YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

[dousing]

HAUNTED SHIT MEME All right, dumbass. Didn't your momma ever teach you not to mess with ghosts? Either yes and you didn't listen, or no and you never learned on your own. You messed with some shit you shouldn't have messed with. You hecked up. Time to deal with the consequences.

LOCATIONS 1. HOUSE Your home, someone else's home, a haunted house up on the hill, whatever. 2. WOODS Why are you out in the woods? Why are you courting ghosts? Stop that and go home before slenderman gets you. 3. CHURCH This is a place of safety, right? Nothing can get you here, right? 4. MISC For anywhere that's not above. Haunted hospitals, prisons, "asylums," and so on. Just do what you will. WHO ARE YOU? 1. STUPID KID From the dumbass teenager to the stupid kid sitting on the internet reading creepypasta, you're young and dumb and probably gonna get murdered by a ghost. 2. SOME ASSHOLE You're basically the dumbass dad that moves his family into some haunted-ass place. You don't listen because the house is PERFECT and nothing could possibly be wrong. Walls are dripping blood? Nah, it's just water damage. 3. HISTORIAN/ETC You're smart. You just have to deal with dumbasses coming into your research library every week and asking you about some stupid shit they want to do, badgering you until you tell them. Seeing their obituaries is getting kind of tiring. 4. OLD PRIEST/YOUNG PRIEST Some dumbass got possessed and you gotta fix it. Or you're cleansing a haunted house. Does it work or does shit go wrong? We're rooting for you, Father. 5. POOR DISTURBED SPIRIT You were just resting, minding your own business, when some dumbass called you out of the grave, or hell, or the abyss, or whatever. So now you're pissed off. Maybe they did the ritual right and you're bound to protocol, or they fucked up and you get to have fun. Careful though, don't get exorcised. 6. INNOCENT BYSTANDER You're not stupid, everyone around you is just a dumbass. Your family moved into a scary house and you want out, your roommate did some dipshit ritual and pissed off a demon and now you're stuck, whatever. Survive first, unfriend them on facebook later. SCENARIOS 1. GHOST HUNTING Okay, you're pretty much a dumbass. Maybe you're legit or maybe you're just some amped up dude-bro, you're going to explore the far corners of the world in search of cool shit! Don't get murdered by a pissed off ghost, maybe. They're gonna scratch your nipples. 2. SCARY STORIES You're not actually as much of a dumbass as some of the other options! You're just sitting around telling scary stories. That's not too bad, right? Except you forgot that words have power and you can still call up some shit. 3. TIME TO PLAY You read about some cool scary game on the internet and you want to go through with it. You know, just to see. Here are some suggestions, dumbass. 4. SUMMONING ALL HAIL THE KING OF THE DUMBASSES. You wanted to summon a demon either to control it or ask it something or just to see if you could. Get ready to get messed up, because honestly? You shouldn't have messed with this shit. Better hope your circle of salt works, or you're screwed. 5. POSSESSION Y'all, this is some shit. Don't be a dumbass, call up some priests. Don't try to take care of this yourself. You know better. Don't listen to the demons. 6. HAPPENSTANCE Okay, maybe you weren't acting the dumbass. Maybe you just stumbled onto something on accident. Still, you disturbed someone's slumber and now you gotta get out. As always, these are just suggestions. Make up anything you want, as long as you're having fun! Remember, you never know what things you do can conjure. Maybe something scary will happen to you. Here's some creepypasta if you want it, but you can also make up whatever. We're not the actual cops, just the ghost-hunting dumbass police.

Comments

[poleaxed]

[Joan doesn't catch it, but she hears real fear in Jun's voice, not just the normal nervousness she can disregard. The knife is out and in hand, quick and easy with the fluid motions of a fighter.]

Where? I didn't see shit.

[Her voice is hushed low in a careful whisper.]

[dogwood]

[ Stopped in his tracks, Jun strains his eyes and leans forward, trying to see through the shadows. ]

Over there. [ He points between the trunks of two old-wood oaks. The dead leaves and acorns on the forest floor should make any movement loud, but he hadn't heard any footsteps, or even the rustling of an animal. ] I thought I saw...

[ No, he doesn't want to be paranoid. Jun shakes his head after a moment and starts to walk down the left fork again. ]

I'll keep an eye out.

[poleaxed]

[Joan's shoulders slowly unhunch. She keeps her knife out, though, and hefts her pack onto one shoulder, so she can loose it quickly if it comes to a knife fight. They're not her favorite kind of fight-- all about speed over strength.]

Well, keep your eye out. You- can you fight?

[dogwood]

[ Jun doesn't answer for a few seconds, which is probably answer enough. ]

...I've punched a couple of people.

[poleaxed]

[She sighs.] Okay, get behind me. [But that might not be enough, so-] When you punch, do it like this, with your thumb tucked forward and under. Any other way'll break your thumb. Punch from the shoulder, now with your wrist, and keep your fucking feet squared so you're harder to knock over. You got that?

[dogwood]

[ Jun hesitates, but he does shuffle behind her, because he might be an asshole but he's also not cocky or stupid enough to put himself in physical harm's way for pride's sake. ]

Yeah. Got it.

[ He experimentally curls his fingers into a fist the way she'd explained it, then nods before they keep walking. ]

I can kind of hear how you do it when you think about it.

[poleaxed]

What, you want me to think louder? [She doesn't get it. But she does think about fighting. First moves. Who they could be up against. Her stance slowly shifts low, legs sure, elbows out, ready for a lunge or a dodge. She maneuvers them to a clearing, so they can see from all angles. It's just tactical.] Should'a brought my bat. Or my guns. Next time, I'm bringing my guns.

[dogwood]

No, I'll... [ Jun quiets for a moment; it's still hard for him to verbalize exactly how it feels to know someone else's thoughts. Instead he glosses it over. ]

I have an eye out. And I don't even know if I saw something real. Let's keep walking.

[poleaxed]

[She sighs.] Okay, fine. Nobody mugs people in the middle of forests, anyway.

[dogwood]

No muggers, only serial killers.

[ On the other side of the clearing is the rest of the path, which should theoretically be the last stretch of the walk to the cabin. While they continue, Jun lets his awareness expand a little, like focusing on one sense over the others; his steps slow as he does.

God, he's sure he hears something. Like a voice barely audible among the rustling leaves. But they're almost to the cabin, so he just shakes his head. Time to walk faster. ]

[poleaxed]

[She rolls her eyes.] Serial killers have plans and shit. We're kind of unique to fit a profile. Haven't you ever watched Criminal Minds? [God dammit, Jun.]

[She keeps walking, knife still out.]

[dogwood]

Maybe you fit the profile and I'm in the way. [ With the sun setting and darkness settling around them, Jun moves his feet a little faster, crunching on dead leaves.] Or I fit the victim profile and you're in the way.

[ The last part is delivered in a dark mutter as he barely sees a branch in time to duck under it. ]

[poleaxed]

Either way, I'll give the fucker a helluva time, don't worry.

[They might lose, but she'll make any attacker feel it.]

And watch out in fucking front of you!

[dogwood]

I'm watching, it's just dark, okay—

[ And as he's turning to protest, yeah, Jun walks into another smaller branch that pokes him in the side of the head. Immediately he reels and brings a hand to touch the tender spot. ]

—ow.

[ It wasn't much of a knock. Certainly not enough of an impact for him to hallucinate the whispering that so rapidly intensifies in his ears. ]

Do you hear those voices?

[poleaxed]

[She groans and holds her arm out, his hand on his shoulder.] Fucking chill. What do you hear? I can't hear shit with you walking into fucking trees.

[dogwood]

Sorry I walked into a branch. Twig. Not the tree.

[ That said, he waves her off slightly, making a face as he strains to try and listen more closely. ]

I hear someone whispering. It's creepy. But I don't hear anything other than that.

[ No thoughts, no whisper of intention. But when Jun looks through the trees again, he does see something. A lumbering, large, dark shape, starkly silhouetted behind a paper birch. ]

—if that's an actual serial killer—

[poleaxed]

[She looks, and-- well, it's something.] Fuck. [The knife goes out, and she squares her stance once again, preparing. Her voice is pitched to carry, echoing into the woods around them.] You wanna go, let's fucking go, asshole!

[dogwood]

Oh, yeah, scream at the possible serial killer.

[ But Jun doesn't back down either, instead squaring his shoulders to look out at the shape. It's walking slowly towards them, unbothered by the shouting. ]

I can't hear them thinking. Just the whispering. [ He should've brought a knife too. ] I don't like it.

[poleaxed]

[She groans, mostly in disappointment, mostly at Jun.] Can you do some other voodoo crap or is it just me versus bigfoot?

[dogwood]

Bigfoot isn't real, and I can't do any voodoo crap. I'm only sort of psychic, not a, [ SHRUGS ] magician.

[ But he is good at being an asshole, so he raises his voice as well. ]

If you're not named Alan Reading you can fuck off!

[poleaxed]

What the fuck is Alan-

[The creature emerges, a strange almost translucent beast. It walks on its hands, hulking like an ape, but it seems to be rotting. An apish corpse, a ghost, some kind of... creature.

[The woods are dead silent.]

[Joan steps forward, knife in one hand, and the other has gone to the medal on her neck. She holds it out, pulling the chain so it hangs before her shirt, and begins... to pray.]

I offer up to You my petition in union with the bitter passion, of all the Saints, particularly with those of the Holy Helper, St. Margaret, in whose honor I make this plea. Let me and overcome the temptations of the world, the devil...

[The monster begins to groan.]

[dogwood]

The guy we're supposed to be meeting, who is—not that, I hope to God.

[ He's pretty sure that something of this form can't write checks. ]

Are you praying? [ But, ] Is it working?

[ He probably shouldn't interrupt, but the sound of that thing's mind feels like a cheese grater on his brain. Jun presses the heel of his palm to his forehead and tries again to listen through the grinding pain that's starting to vibrate down the base of his skull. ]

It's getting more pissed off. You're pissing it off more, I don't think you should keep going.