bakerstreet | angst .

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[meme] angst

angst .

ANGST MEME

Sometimes we all want to play some angst and see just how far our characters can and will fall.

- Post your characters, name and series in the subject along with any preferences.
- Go to random.org and roll.
- Play!

1. just depressed.
Things are tough, you're feeling worn out, or whatever the case, you're depressed. You need help or someone else thinks you do anyway.

2. abandoned.
You were left behind by everyone you hold dear and now you're forced to see how well they've adjusted, how happy they all are while you're screaming inside.

3. sick.
Cold, flu, or something even worse, all you can do is lay back and let someone take care of you.

4. fight.
You've been fighting nonstop with the other person and it just keep escalating.

5. break up.
You're being broken up with and they won't reconsider... Damn.

6. separated.
For some reason, you've been separated from the other person for a long time.

7. kidnapped.
You've been held captive for how long now? Maybe they've been torturing you even, using your blood to write ransom notes, threatening to cut off fingers to send next, etc. Rescue is on the way though, right?

8. beaten up.
Just because someone didn't like you or maybe they wanted something you had, whatever the case is, you're coming home sporting some nasty wounds and bruises.

9. jealousy.
You just have this undeniable jealousy suddenly and you need to let it out.

10. cheated on.
This goes beyond just suspicion and you have full on proof of what your lover has done. How do you handle it?

11. apathetic.
You're not sad, you're not happy, you just... don't feel much anymore. The sparkle of life has gone right out of you and you're just going through the motions now.

12. addicted.
Drugs, alcohol, whatever your drug of choice is, you can't fight the draw and you can't draw yourself out of the hole, but the other person is going to try.

13. bad romance.
You know this isn't good for either of you, but you can't stop now.

14. fear.
Nightmares, the feeling someone is following you, etc. You can't shake the feeling.

15. insanity.
You're seeing things and hearing them, waking up only to realize you've done things you don't remember or you're in a place you weren't before. You're losing it and you don't know what to do.

16. guilt.
It's eating you up inside and you have to tell someone about it now. You want to be punished and you won't take no for an answer.

17. loss
You've lost something dear to you.

18. wild card.
Combine some options or make your own!

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Bucky's heart melts as he hears those words. He waits until Steve is fully asleep to look up at his friend, love pouring out of every piece of his body. He strokes his hand against his friend's waist, thinking over what he'd said. How there was no one else out there that Steve wanted to be with more. How he was a real pal. But one that liked it when Bucky called him 'sweetheart'.

"You're a confusing guy, know that, Rogers?"

But he's smiling. His head turns, kissing along his chest just because he's asleep and Bucky can. But then his own exhaustion catches up to him and it's all he can do to reestablish his grip before he falls into a deep slumber, Steve's heart giving it all a steady soundtrack. The reliable thud of the most important person in Bucky's life.

He sleeps calmly for hours. It's no surprise to him that, when he wakes up, it's late in the afternoon and he's still very, very tired. He blinks a moment, aware enough that he didn't wake up himself but not quite sure yet what had caused it. That doesn't last long, though. He can feel Steve's unease before he sees or hears it. When he turns, he can recognize a nightmare written all over Steve's face. And it breaks his heart a little, knowing that he is so close and not able to do anything.

Bucky shifts up, reaches out and cradles Steve's head in his hands. "Steve," he tries, keeping his voice calm and low. "Stevie, sweetheart. Wake up, alright? I'm right here. C'mon punk. I'm right here. I promised I wasn't goin' anywhere and I haven't. So open those eyes, soldier... That's an order..."

Those words fall on deaf, sleeping ears. Steve's out like a light, finally relaxing in sleep. The mask he wears during his waking hours has all but slipped away, taking with it the worry lines, the frown lines, and the stern expression he adopts as Captain America. He seems almost peaceful, knowing that even while he's asleep, his best friend in all the world is right there next to him.

But then the hours pass, and peace turns into dread and fear as Steve's dreams shift into nightmares. He tenses unconsciously, one hand gripping the sheets so tightly that his knuckles turn white. An involuntary gasp bursts from his mouth, and he jerks wildly in his sleep, but he doesn't wake up. The nightmare has him firmly in its grasp, and he doesn't even register the feel of Bucky's hands on his face, nor the words that he's saying to him.

"No! No, you can't..." Steve's voice sounds anguished, as if he's begging whoever it is he's dreaming about not to do something. "Don't go. You said you wouldn't." There's a pause in which Steve goes quiet, and for the next few seconds, the only sound is the sound of his troubled breathing.

Christ alive. The nightmare is about him.

Bucky can't be upset. He can't waste the time. He moves in and pulls Steve closer to him, wrapping him up in his arms. He presses his mouth against his ear and whispers into it, hoping they'll reach his brain. "Steve. Steve, I'm here. I am here and I'm not leaving you again. You hear me? I'm right here and I'm holding you. I'm not going to let you outta my sights, punk. Never again."

He kisses his cheek. His forehead. Anything that he can reach. Except perhaps the most obvious place, that is. Bucky hesitates, not wanting to step over any lines. But Steve is clearly in a hell of his own making. So Bucky leans in and kisses him firmly on the lips, just once, pulling away to rest their foreheads together.

"C'mon man. I'm right here. Come back to me and I'll show you that I'm still here for you, sweetheart. I'm back. C'mon Stevie. Come back to me."

It's not the first time, but it is the first time he's had a nightmare about Bucky while lying next to Bucky. His eyebrows furrow and his face twists with despair as the nightmare drags along, taking him with it. When Bucky pulls him in, he tries to thrash against his strong arms, but he fails.

It seems like it takes an eternity, but the calming words eventually penetrate Steve's stressed brain, and with a long sigh, he falls limply into the other man's arms. A few more seconds pass, and as his breathing regulates, his eyes slowly open.

Disoriented at first, Steve sounds confused. "Buck?" Then the recollection of the nightmare he just had returns to him. "Sorry you had to see that."

"Don't you dare apologize. Don't you dare."

He releases his hold, giving Steve room to breathe. Bucky sits up and reaches out to press his hand against Steve's neck, both for comfort and to monitor his pulse. "It's okay. It's okay, Stevie. I'm right here. I've seen you worse off. This is nothing, sweetheart. A little bad dream? Don't you remember the night you got that stomach flu? Way worse than this..."

Bucky wants to get Steve water but he knows leaving now might put him into a spiral. SO instead he just keeps his hand where it is, looking all over his face in order to get some sort of read on how Steve is doing. Christ, it hurts that the dream was about him. But it makes sense. Someone can only take so much before they start breaking at the seams.

"Breathe for me, pal. Slow. Just like you used to with the asthma. Nice and slow..."

Steve just looks up at Bucky, not sure how to respond to that. He has so much to apologize for, including disrupting his sleep again because of a dumb nightmare. His pulse is rabbiting at a pace that's much too fast, but he's trying to relax, trying to calm his rapid breathing. Instinctively, he leans into Bucky's touch, even as he considers pulling away.

He's a mess and he knows it, but he doesn't need to drag Bucky down with him too. "Honestly, Bucky, why do you put up with me? You've said you don't get tired of looking after me, but you've looked out for me my whole life." Something akin to guilt pricks his conscience; he's not the only one in this room who's made sacrifices. "I just mean- Thanks. Thanks for everything. I haven't told you that enough."

And then having said that, he lets out a sigh, his shoulders slump forward, and his gaze drops to just stare down at the tangled sheets. It looks and feels pathetic, but his nerves are rattled, despite his attempts to settle back down. "Do you ever wish things were the way they used to be?"

That's a complicated question and Bucky has no idea what to do with it at first. He considers it. Considers what Steve probably expects to hear. Then, because he's not having this conversation like his, he shifts in the bed to crouch in front of Steve on his knees. He reaches out and grabs his hands in his, holding onto them tight.

"Yeah. I wish things were easier, again. I wish all we had to worry about was money and your meds instead of saving the entire universe. But...I don't want you going back to how sick you were. You have no idea how bad that was for me. Each flu was like watching you go to death's door. I still hate the winter because of it. Which...I guess is pretty funny, considering." It's not actually funny, but Bucky has a warped sense of humor.

"But...we can't go back. And even if we could...there's a lot about this time that is amazing. You have friends who care about you. A nation who adores you. You're...the guy I always knew you would be if people looked at you right. And me? I get to stand beside you every step of the way. It's...perfect for me. Because no, I don't get tired of looking after you. Steve..."

He's died twice now. Nearly died once more on top of that and went back into an indefinite freeze on top of that. How many times is he going to miss this shot? How many until the clock truly runs out?

Bucky inhales and moves closer, grabbing Steve's head between his hands instead, now.

"You don't 'put up' with people you love, punk. Understand? I don't put up with you. You mean everything to me, Steve.

"You are everything to me."

"I knew you'd say that," Steve replies, looking down at their hands that are intertwined together. "Things were a lot simpler back then. Kind of happier too, huh?" He chuckles, but it's half-hearted. "I wouldn't take being sick all the time, but you know, at least I knew you'd-"

He stops himself there, because what he was about to say isn't fair to Bucky. It's not his fault they keep getting dealt bad hands. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm good with how things are." Mostly. "And, yeah, there's some stuff I could do without, but I've got you back, and that's good enough for me." He squeezes Bucky's hands in his, hoping he conveys just how much he means that in that simple gesture.

"I meant it when I said there's no one else I'd rather be with." Steve knows he might have to be reminded once in awhile that Bucky's with him because he wants to be, not just because he's putting up with him. But what he knows without question is that he wants Bucky with him till the end of the line.

Bucky swallows hard because this is the worst time to do this, but he feels like he has to. His thumbs brush over Steve's cheekbones as he looks at him with tenderness. He leans in and presses their foreheads together, closing his eyes and just feeling his best friend so close to him. It's Heaven. It's the only Heaven he will ever need. His hands slide to the back of Steve's neck and rest there. Cradling it, feeling the long hair tickle his fingers.

"There's no one else I would ever be with, ever." The truth has been boiling inside of him for so long. Unspoken words all battling for their way out. He died with them twice. He refuses to risk a third time. "Stevie....Steve. You...You gotta know that you're it for me, right? The end of the line is you, pal. Everything...everything comes down to you."

He pulls back enough to look him in the eyes. Steve deserves that amount of courage from him.

"Steve. Pal. I've...since we were brat kids, Steve. You've been it. And shit's happened to both of us. But that hasn't changed. Never will. Understand? I don't...need anything from you. I just need you to know. Because it's killing me that I didn't ever tell you and nearly lost my chance. So... I just need you to know, Steve. Okay?"

As always, Bucky's fingertips leave little fireworks in their wake. Something about the other man's touch just thrills Steve in ways he can't quite put words to. If this is heaven, then Steve's on cloud nine.

He thinks back to how girls fawned over him after he took the serum. Those girls were nice enough, but they weren't the ones for him. Then there was Peggy Carter, who really was something special. But time got in the way, and they missed their chance with each other. That just leaves Bucky, although there's nothing "just" about the man who's with him right now. "Yeah. You're it for me too. You're- You're really all I have." Oh, he has friends who would die for him, and who he would do the same for in a heartbeat. But there's no one like Bucky.

And then he just leans into him like he never wants to be separated from him again. Time probably will try and screw them over, because it's a fickle mistress, but now it doesn't really matter. The cards are on the table, they know how the other feels, and that's what counts. He'd like to spend the rest of his life with Bucky, but just in case that doesn't happen, at least it's all been laid out on the table.

"I need you to know too. Just in case something happens, I want you to know that you're the most important person in the world to me. And, you're probably going to laugh, but you know what I want?" He smiles and reaches for Bucky's hand so he can brush his lips against it. "I want to grow old with you." Well, older, since both of them aren't exactly spring chickens here. The thought makes him chuckle just a little.

Bucky does laugh, but it's warm, bubbling out of him with disbelief and joy. He tilts his head and kisses Steve's cheek before leaving his face pressed close, right there. Breathing him in and nuzzling in closer, like he can't stand the separation between their bodies. Part of him really can't.

"Hundred ain't old enough for you?" He's teasing and he laughs even as he says it. This is the lightest he's felt in a lifetime. The truth is out there. It's bared between them, honest and open and nothing was ruined. Nothing broke. If anything, it all just got better.

Bucky tucks his free hand under Steve's chin and grabs a pinch of beard to lead his face back around. He's waited so long to do this that he's almost nervous. But there's no reason to be. This is his Stevie. And the two of them were made for each other. So he smiles as palm flattens against Steve's cheek and he finally leans in.

When their lips touch, he can see every firework from every one of Steve's birthdays explode right behind his closed eyes.

He leans in closer, keeping this as soft and gentle as he suspects they both need, right now. It's only a short peck, but as soon as he pulls away, Bucky is already leaning in for another one. If left to it, he could do this for the rest of the day, happily.

"I love you, punk," he breathes between the kisses, smile coming back onto his face. "Bring on two-hundred if I have you..."

Once their faces are close enough together, Steve just goes in, all thoughts of dignity and looking good forgotten. He mashes his lips against Bucky's, making the kiss as deep as he can, pouring all his love and longing into it. But there's something else he's getting rid of with this one kiss: the fear, the guilt, the sadness, all the negative emotions that have been burying him since the day he lost Bucky. Bucky's here, he's alive, and Steve knows he's going to hold onto this chance with all the strength he has.

"No, it's not. Ten lifetimes wouldn't be enough for me." Everyone dies, and some people die more than once. But Steve just wants whatever time they have left, and he wants to make the most of it. And then he pulls back, but then there's Bucky grabbing at his beard and reeling him right back on in. He's not complaining; kissing Bucky is a euphoric experience all in one, and it's one he'll never get tired of.

"I want you, Bucky. I'm gonna sound like the clingiest man in existence, but I need you more than I've ever needed anyone." Might as well bare it all right now, leaving all the regrets and fears on the floor. "Bring it on. I'm ready."

"You're not clingy. You at eight. That was clingy." Bucky doesn't even mean that because he'd been just as clingy right back. Their parents had tried nearly everything to get them apart for the night. In the end they'd had to handle sleepovers until, finally, that phase ended. Here it was coming around again.

Bucky is smiling as he leads Steve back down to the bed and wraps him up completely. As much as he might want to do more, this isn't the time. They had the morning and the next day and the next for learning each other's bodies. Right now he just wanted to have Steve relaxed and back to sleep. Lord knew he needed it.

"Put your head here," he instructs, leaving Steve's ear pressed against his heart. The thudding of his heart is steady, if a little fast. Proof positive that Bucky was still here and still alive. His metal arm pushes away a bit to not interfere with the settling process while the other one strokes through Steve's blonde hair.

"I'm gonna cling right back. I hope you know that, sweetheart. Now that I got you, I'm not letting you out of my sight. Can't take the risk of someone else sweeping my best fella up."

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