introduce doughnuts into your lovemaking!

[catinasock]

COSMO SEX TIPS MEME



Let's face it, sometimes bedroom shenanigans can get stagnant and boring. One can only do it against the wall with one partner upside-down covered in glitter so many times before it just doesn't do it for you anymore.

That's where ✨COSMO TIPS✨ come in!

Just flip open a magazine and pick the sauciest tip you can find and try it out on your partner!

Rules
1. Put your character's name and series in the subject line.
2. Pick a terrible sex tip (here's a couple lists and a subreddit) or make your own. Put it in your top-level, along with your character's reaction. Are they trying it out, or just flipping through a magazine in horrified fascination?
3. Keep in mind this meme is meant to be as ridiculous as possible. Cosmo tips are pretty out there and it is not recommended you try these at home.
4. ... Profit?

here's the original meme if you need more ideas

Comments

Shigure | Fire Emblem: Fates

[shigure]

Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.

Goodness, that sounds dangerous. Someone could choke.

[Not that he'd care to consider himself as that potential 'someone'...

He flips over to the next page. These so-called tips are awful.]

Dyluck | Secret of Mana | OTA

[pandorasfinest]

30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."

[Dyluck squints at the magazine in his hands, and tilts the whole thing to the side as if that will make the words seem better than they are. It doesn't work.]

It's not just me when I say that I do want someone to ask me if I'm okay after an awful day, right? Some tip like this suuuure won't make me feel like a toy to be used. Noooope.

Goddess, this list is awful.

jake muller / resident evil (ota).

[bloodmobile]

Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

Oh, yeah, I can tell you what really gets my motor running: slapping and pinching my dick. Jesus Christ. Who writes this shit?

[ And, more importantly, why is he reading it? He eyes something about mixing lubrication and saliva, and slaps the magazine against his forehead in frustration. ]

Nero | DMC | OTA

[cabanero]

As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'

Because that's not terrifying at all.

[bloodmobile]

Especially in our line of work? Yeah, I'll pass.

[cabanero]

What, you mean you aren't turned on by the demon from The Exorcist saying it wants to bite down on your dick?

[bloodmobile]

Definitely not my type. 'Sides, isn't she, like, twelve?

Now, someone like Elvira, on the other hand... [ Technically not a horror movie monster, but who cares. ]

You though? You look more like a Carrie type.

[cabanero]

Pazuzu is thousands of years old -- just looks twelve. Kind of like in anime. You should go for it.

[He snorts at the counter and folds his arms.]

My type? And why's that?

Ignis Scientia | Final Fantasy XV | M/M

[fairygodspecs]

Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body.

[Ignis raises an eyebrow.] These are not the kind of new recipehs I had in mind.

And what a waste of perfectly good ingredients.

Noctis l FFXV l ota

[lightofthelucii]

"Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess."

W-what the hell why would you waste perfectly good ice cream like that???

Plus ice cream gets the sheets all sticky. Who’d think that was sexy?

[fairygodspecs]

Couldn't say it better myself.

Vincent Valentine - Final Fantasy 7 Compilation - M/F

[never_tried]

[Looks at his quote.]

I refuse to read this aloud.

Crow Armbrust | Trails of Cold Steel | ota

[crow_armbrust]

Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body).

[...]

Yeah. Don't do that. Just, don't.

[Usually he found these magazines amusing, but this was just downright scary. For all of dick-kind.]

The Scientist () OC Group () OTA

[funwithscience]

81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.

[The Scientist feels Very Concerned about this supposed statistic. What is this Cosmo publication's research methodology? Did it pass an ethics board? Where are these 19% of women and why has no one had a firm talk about informed consent with them?]

[icyflames]

Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.

[Dual colored eyes dubiously read over the article, as well as all the other suggestions for spicing up the bedroom. Sadly... this seemed liked one of the more tame and less ridiculous ones.]

I think I'll stick with my Quirk in this case.

That also sounds like a lot of unnecessary work, for both sides.

[Why anyone would leave this on the coffee table of the main room in the dorms was a mystery to him.]

[superchill]

[Why did he have to walk in on this? Why is that magazine even here?]

AUGH!!! WHAT ARE YOU READING?

[icyflames]

[Sufferage is better in pairs than alone.]

Bakugou. I take it you didn't leave this behind as reading material.

[superchill]

[ Not as far as he's concerned! Never, as far as he's concerned. ]

Why would I leave that TRASH laying around?? I caught you red handed!

Ambrose Sinclair (a vampire oc who showed up in modern day like 5 mins ago ✨ ota

[immortalized]

"34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

...I realize they must mean couples, but if anyone stopped me walking into a room to fellate me, I'm rather sure I would never try reentering that room again.

{ Ambrose, quizzical and concerned, glances up from the hotly-colored magazine. } Are even half of these things I'm reading...true? I didn't realize sex has become so complicated in two-hundred years...

Reno | Final Fantasy VII | OTA

[reno4prez]

If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it.

Works every time!

[backwatertrooper]

... What.

[He didn't intend to say that out loud, but now that he's done so, Cloud's just... going to look up and levy a flat glare at the redhead at the nearest other table in the break room. He's suffered through several of these ridiculous things since the guy (he's pretty sure he's a Turk) sat down and picked up the magazine the women who sat there earlier left behind.

At some point, enough it enough, you know? Or should be, at least.]

The Dragonborn | Skyrim | OTA

[drehnifusbahi]

"Lick his eyelids, then blow on your saliva."

[Raised as he was by Dibellan priestesses, and being acquainted with Haelga, he knows full well that some people enjoy kinks others would consider unusual at best - he has plenty of his own, even. But still, all he can think in response to that is]

Why?

[dragongod]

[Though he's seated one or two tables away from the man currently reading-- well, Martin isn't entirely certain what he's reading, though from the content he can wager a guess,-- he can't quite keep the mutter to himself upon hearing that.]

Seems rather counter-intuitive.

[Try as he might to atone for it, Martin remembers his time spent worshiping Sanguine well. He's seen his fair share of... odd practices, true, but if a partner were to lick his eyelids he's fairly certain he would walk out immediately, and somehow he still imagines most others would do the same. Not a very useful tip, in that case.]

[drehnifusbahi]

[He didn't intend to be loud enough to draw attention, but rolls with it as though that was the plan all along.]

Doesn't it just? I'm not sure I'd trust any of the advice this thing has to offer, after reading that...

[He sets the pamphlet down and slides it away - and somehow manages to do this without touching it more than he absolutely has to. It's not quite as malevolent as one of Mora's black books, but he doesn't trust the thing further than he could throw it, now.]

[dragongod]

[He watches out of the corner of his eye as it's pushed away, smiling slightly in amusement.]

A wise decision. Unfortunately, I'm sure many others have already fallen for such, ah, advice, no matter how foolish it may seem.

[He really wouldn't put it past some trickster to present this as entirely serious guidance. Then again, perhaps the author is just a complete fool and this was an earnest attempt at an honest, if misguided, publication. He does feel slightly bad mocking it if that is the case, so--]

At least it... looks very flammable. Good kindling.

[--he's sure that somehow that must count as a complement towards the author.]