hot sauce on your partner's genitals is a sure way to spice things up!

[primrosepath]

COSMO SEX TIPS MEME



Let's face it, sometimes bedroom shenanigans can get stagnant and boring. One can only do it against the wall with one partner upside-down covered in glitter so many times before it just doesn't do it for you anymore.

That's where COSMO TIPS comes in!

Just flip open a magazine and pick the sauciest tip you can find and try it out on your partner!

Rules
1. Put your character's name and series in the subject line.
2. Either make up your own sex tip or pick from here or here and put it in your comment with preferences on whether you'd prefer them to try it out or have it tried on them.
3. Keep in mind this meme is meant to be as ridiculous as possible. Cosmo tips are pretty ridiculous and it is not recommended you try these at home.
4. Profit!

Comments

Conrad Achenleck || Hanna is Not a Boy's Name

[worstvampireever]

"Make the water exactly 99 degrees — you can check it with a thermometer. Doctors say that's the perfect temperature to get you totally relaxed."

[Conrad peers at the thermometer for a moment before cursing under his breath and moving to crouch by the tub and turn the hot tap back on, seemingly absorbed in his task and oblivious to anything or anyone else in the room.]

[screaminginthedark]

[Conrad what are you doing. Seriously. You drag Veser into the bathroom and now you're obsessively checking the temperature of the shower.]

Is there really a point to this?

[HUFFSIGH.]

Loki | mcu |

[performance_issues]

Do not shape shift into a mare to distract a stallion.

[fistshaped]

Well, that would have been good to know a couple of years ago.

The Signless | Homestuck

[nosigntospeakof]

"Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple, and ask your man to lick it off."

Wait, what's a nipple?

[myblimpisbigger]

[This is not happening]

You don't ... know...?

Tenjōin Fubuki | YuGiOh GX | OTA

[invisblewins]

["Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples." ...he's pretty sure that sounds more like a way to train a pet, but... if it works, right?]

Henry Townshend | Silent Hill: The Room | M/F and M/M

[my_private_life]

["As he's getting close, lightly tug his balls down — it delays his orgasm. If you want to speed him up, cup his boys and push them up toward his penis... Repeatedly press his perineum (the spot between his balls and butt)... It's like a start/stop button for his climax — touch him there to speed him up, then release to slow back down."

Henry's pretty sure he doesn't have an on and off switch anywhere near his boys, but they research these things, don't they?]

Franken Stein | Soul Eater | M/F for smut, OTA for anything else.

[screw_loose]

"Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie."

Or think you are killing someone.

[That's not a misplaced concern when it comes to Stein.]

Roxy Lalonde ◌ Homestuck

[oceanbreasts]

[ "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'" you say?

WELL THEN.

The recording part is out of the way (heh that was fun), now just to attach it to an email... ]

heeeeey
do u wanna hear me do this tongiht
*tonithg
*tonight

[ PERFECT aaaaaaaand SEND. ]

[so_adorkabull]

[Roxy, you really need to check who you're sending the email to before sending. Hopefully it's not another 'Send To All' fiasco all over again.]

uHH, nOT REALLY,
yOU SOUND LIKE YOURE DYING, oR REALLY SICK,
aRE YOU OKAY, dO YOU NEED ME TO, cHECK UP ON YOU,,
dO YOU NEED ANY HUMAN MEDICINE, oR SOMETHING,
uM,
lIKE THAT,,,

jennifer check / jennifer's body

[killingboys]

[the best worst thing about having biology homework open next to lady mags:]

That's about a shotglass worth of blood in the male penis. Hmm.

Tavros Nitram ♉ Homestuck ♉ Aged up, OTA for castmates, M/M otherwise

[so_adorkabull]

"Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him."

[...It sounds like they're going to eat the bulge as well. Also, troll teeth. Troll teeth are sharp and something you do not want down there.]

Emily A. Jones| Axis Powers Nyotalia| F/M for smut OTA snarking

[changedbywar]

[Sits there reading when she comes across this gem.]

Men like to see the moment of penetration?

[Most obviously faked look of horror ever.]

I've been lied to about the money shot my whole life!

Mrs. Hatch | Hanna is Not a Boy's Name

[selkiesong]

For an dangerous thrill take a bubble bath with him and have him go down on you under water.

[Now she's wondering how long it would take for the bubbles to stop if she held her husband's down there.]

Orihime Inoue | Bleach | Het

[leekspins]

[Orihime shouldn't be reading this magazine. It's a little trashy! But she has to admit, she is a little curious. Who wouldn't be?]

"You know a glimpse of his glistening post-workout bod turns you on, but it can boost your mood too. Research shows that the scent of male perspiration reduces tension in women... so give your guy a big post-gym hug or stand extra close to the dude celebrating a softball victory at happy hour... and remember to breath deep."

...Pffffffffffthahahahaha!

[She's going to do this. Not for relaxation, but just to see their reaction when she shows them the article. ...This portion of it anyway.]

April Sinclair | OC | OTA

[technologic]

"Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."

[Then she immediately bursts into laughter.] Ehe, I-I'm pretty sure they can't work like that.

Re: April Sinclair | OC | OTA

[standsentinel]

Kaidan isn't usually one to eavesdrop, or at least not to interject a comment to a stranger if he does, but some things just beg for some snarking and Cosmo sex tips are one of them.

He huffs a laugh, and suggests that "Maybe you're supposed to use a pair of novelty sponges instead."

Tenou Haruka/Sailor Uranus | Sailor Moon

[beatmeinstead]

[Where's the ladies on ladies at?

Useless.]

crying

[elegy]

[ And Michiru seems a little.. unsure as she balances the magazine in one hand, squinting dubiously at the print. ]

I'm making fried dumplings tonight. I'm not sure going topless is the best idea..

Koharu Izaki | Shitsurakuen | OTA

[willbeurprincess]

"Feed each other ice cream (in the dark). Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess."

[...headtilt] ...It sounds like the mess would be distracting.

Shadow (Mero Jenner) | Half Blood Chronicles

[valyns_shadow]

Use your teeth to remove his boxers.

For an 'explosive' good time, giggle his balls back and forth like dice in a cup. That will really set his motor running.

Sprinkle a little bit of pepper beneath his nose before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and will amplify the good feelings.

[In a desire to discover more there is to know about sex, Shadow stumbles across a strange little manuscript that gives advice to the new slaves in the Harem. Curious and more than a little determined to show Val that he knows exactly what he is doing, Shadow decides to take a few of these suggestions and run with them.]

[the_young_lord]

[Being intimate with the halfblood under his protection is still a rather new set of circumstances to Valyn, and the whole thing has been getting off to a rather awkward start as it is. Between the differences in status, species, age and the lack of difference in gender...

Valyn's limited experience leaves him as perplexed about the finer details of bedsports as Shadow. When the halfblood mentions a few tricks up his sleeve, the elven lord is intrigued and a bit nervous. But he allows Shadow to take the lead, lying back and wondering what is in store for him....]

Sleipnir O'Hara | Girl Genius

[sparkfetish]

Give him a beer facial - the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.

I like a drink as much as anyone but that's just ridiculous.

Murphy Pendleton | Silent Hill: Downpour

[stop_the_rain]

“Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it around the base of his penis so it’s snug but still has some give. The compression makes him even more sensitive.”

[Murphy's been out of the sexually active pool for a while, but he's still pretty sure this is something he probably ought to have feared in prison rather than a fun sex tip.]

[ex_evildoer734]

Maleficent wasn't one to kneel before a mere mortal man, but this was a curious little thing. She crouched, her knee peeking through the split in her dress, thigh following as the material inched high and higher up.

"Well now," she hummed, amused as she tugged the stocking and watched.

Kaidan Alenko | Mass Effect | OTA

[standsentinel]

Become a pure adept in the bedroom! Mix in a little biotic barrier with some anal play, and the mash-up of electro-stim and your fingers pushing on his prostate will drive his orgasms out of this world!

'Ten Steamy Steps To Becoming A Biotic (Sex) God' was a cover blurb to catch anyone's attention. Thus, Kaidan sits at his cafe table, leafs through the abandoned magazine, and winces a little as he comes across that gem.

sob I couldn't resist the amusement

[partnerinheels]

New to the what she would consider a futuristic world, Sheva stuck to the haunts that the crew had recommended. So it was no surprise to see Kaidan at that cafe. The reading material he had chosen however...

"Research?" She asks with a quirked eyebrow, sitting down in the empty chair across from him with her cup of tea. Biotics and sex? That sounded both intriguing and dangerous.

Alys Brangwin | Phantasy Star 4

[8stroke_warrior]

"34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

... With this guys I know, jumping them when they're walking in through a door is likely to get you stabbed.

Scar | Fullmetal Alchemist (2003 anime)

[envy_the_sinners]

(OOC: Scar's quite the prude. Don't expect to get any actual smut out of him. Very very few could.)

[The famed State Alchemist Killer crouches down in one of the many dingy allies of Central, hiding from both the summer sun and the watchful eyes of patrolling soldiers. He had been told of an Ishbalan encampment hidden beneath the streets, but he does not dare go looking for it in broad daylight. By now, he is certain to have a "shoot on sight" warrant on his head.

So Scar sits on the cool cobblestone and waited, glancing over at an upturned trash bin, which has spilled spoiled food and other scraps across the ground. Bored, he picks up an old, slightly crumpled magazine from the mess. The cover features an impossibly thin Amestrian woman and brags of various beauty products and weight loss programs. With a cynical eyebrow cocked, he thumbs through the foolish drivel that Amestrians clearly think is entertaining. One particularly ghastly article actually features a numbered list of various bits of sexual advice. Are the heathen inhabitants of this country so pathetically bored with their lives that they need to resort to reading such trash?

Of course, Scar has to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind that reminds him that he was no better: Pathetically bored, reading a periodical that had literally come out of the trash.]

She's supposed to slap my what?!

[Scar actually speaks out loud, astonished at what these heathens do to one another while copulating. It certainly does not sound pleasant. Though, Scar does lack the experience necessary to make a first-hand call on such matters.]

Michiko Baki / Original Character

[curvy_swordswoman]

[Even Michiko can't help but crack jokes at some of these.]

"Use "your electric toothbrush" or "your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries].""

My toothbrush? That... doesn't sound very hygienic. And what if I accidentally call someone on my phone? [She holds her hand with the thumb and pinkie extended on her lap.] "Oh, hey Natsuki-san, I just figured you might want to listen to me masturbating!"

Asano Keigo | Bleach | OTA and it doesn't have to be sexful if you just want some flailing

[asano_san]

Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

[Does that...does that really work? Right now, he's cringing in imagined pain instead of thinking it sounds hot.]

[dawning]

[ yeah doesn't sound too sexy to Dawn either ]

...Do you like this sort of thing, Keigo?

Nariko Lunae | OC | OTA

[gunslingerqueen]

"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."

[Laura had sworn by this magazine somehow, so Nariko figured she could give it a shot if only for new ideas. You can never brainstorm enough when it comes to the bedroom! But this ... This is just horrifying and it shows on her face.]

I - No!

[Just sfjsaldkfasdf]

[eighthlibrarian]

"As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

[Nanao is normally inclined to trust the written word, but something about this seems . . . well, a little stupid.]

What, even the chewing bits?