bakerstreet | Secrets I have held in my heart

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[meme] shipping

Secrets I have held in my heart

SECRET ADMIRER meme

You're in love with them, but they don't know it and you have no real intention of changing this. Whether it's because you don't want to admit anything to yourself, can't handle rejection, don't think you're good enough, or have no real experience with this kind of thing, your lips are sealed...for now. And maybe forever, if you're contented to love them from afar.

That is, if the object of your affection doesn't figure you out first.

HOW TO PLAY

Comment with your character, preferences, and whether they'd be the admirer or the admired.
Reply to others.
RNG it or not.

PROMPTS

Meeting: How do you meet? Is it love at first sight?
Falling: You learn to love them, even if you never have before.
From Afar: You're not too close to them - they may not know you at all - but you still admire them. Whether "afar" means something like a different school, a different team, or a different world or walk of life is up to you.
Notice Me: You actually do want to be noticed. Please, senpai!~
Right in Front of You: The two of you are friends or allies, yet you're hiding your emotions in plain sight.
Denial: You? Love? No! Especially not with them...no, you weren't looking at them!
Jealousy: They don't know you're attracted to them, so you shouldn't feel mad when they're getting attention from others.
Too Shy Shy: The words just won't come out. Besides, you're too flustered by their presence in general.
Don't Deserve Them: You wouldn't want to subject them to you, anyway. They're too good.
Favors: Your love may not be known; still, you can do things for them or get them gifts, and they'll wonder who's doing all this. Their happiness is all you want, not their recognition.
Bad at This: So, about all those gifts or favors? You're not the sort to know about kindness and because of this, your shows of affection tend to be you offing their rivals or giving them stolen items.
Adorkable: You're awkward but it's endearing!
Never Expect the Quiet Ones: You barely speak, much less show how you feel. How could they know what you really think?
Lash Out: It's frustrating to have a crush you can't act on, so you've decided to act out...towards the one you love, perhaps to push them away.
Admission: Finally, you've decided to admit what you've felt all along.
Outed: Someone else has told your secret.
Caught: Maybe you were caught looking at them too much, speaking about your love out loud, or leaving them a gift. No matter what, the jig is up.
Content with Secrecy: You can admire them without saying a word. You're not conflicted in the least with living this life!
Requited: No more harboring secrets, as your feelings are returned.
Unrequited: ....ouch. Just ouch.
WILD CARD

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[There's a weird tug of something in his chest when Hizashi looks at the letter like that. Like, you idiot. If it makes you that happy, you should have tracked him down. Maybe that was too selfish of him, though, expecting Hizashi to do the legwork himself just like in their friendship. And why would he be jealous of his own past self?]

So you'd like someone just because they liked you first? Not knowing anything about them? [This is probably the most Shouta's spoke about romance in years. The topic's usually dismissed within a couple of minutes. It was a nice cover for him, at least. The idea that he just didn't care about it was much easier to manage than decade of pining.]

You're so soft. [He shifts a bit, letting his hair fall in a mess to conveniently hide a bit of his expression.]

Hey! I didn't say that, now did I? Do you really think I'm that easy??

[ He was keeping the sassy little grin, lips quirked. Looking casual as could be. A little bit of Present Mic instead of Hizashi shining through. It was getting more difficult to keep things hidden. ]

My heart was taken back then anyway.

[ He tries for a casual shrug. Not entirely sure how successful he's being. His heart is still taken. It always has been. Even with a handful of boyfriends and girlfriends here and there... It was never anyone else's. At least the hurting has subsided. It was more empty now.

He flips the paper over once or twice before leaning in to put it in the yearbook. ]

Guess I'll never know!

[It was already a bit off to see Hizashi putting on a face. It was just the two of them, so he knows he hit something with his comment. Then he mentions his heart being taken and, for just a moment, Shouta actually looks surprised. From his perspective, there was no one back in high school that got the kind of preferential treatment he would expect. It hadn't been on his radar. So he'd liked someone then and still spent so much time around him?]

Huh. [And he'd thought there was no way he was going to sleep worse tonight. There it was, though. It didn't matter if his embarrassing, adolescent love note inspired feelings if Hizashi was looking somewhere else.]

I recognize it. [Most of what Shouta said was carefully planned, like a well-laid trap, but this ends up sort of blurted out.] ... that handwriting.

Not like it matters to you now, right? [That same underlying irritation, that something was really getting to him, and he wouldn't be able to settle down without somehow addressing it. If they stopped here, he'd probably end up making coffee and staying up the whole night to just collapse into a frustrated ball of sleep deprivation later.]

[ A dozen thoughts happened at once and his brain didn't quite no how to react. It had to work through this. He recognized it?! The handwriting?
After all these fucking years he'd know--

Of course, what would it matter if it wasn't his. And while it would be incredibly like Shouta to fuck with him like this, he was in no mood for it.

And THEN all of that was pushed out of the way so he could look at him confused. What the fuck was his problem? ]

What is your problem tonight, huh? Why are you getting w--

[ No.

No he couldn't be serious.

Although if this is something else and he's wrong he's going to literally cry himself to sleep tonight. ]

[He'd been given an opportunity, when Hizashi said he didn't recognize it, to push the whole thing away. It could just as easily be locked up in that yearbook again to be nostalgically looked back at in another five, ten, twenty years. The thought of sitting on this knowledge for another ten years wasn't logical at all.]

Don't think about the why for a second.

[His heart is beating as if he were chasing down a criminal. Still, he tries to keep his face impassive, the only sign of that inner turmoil being a quick tap tap tap of his foot against the floor. He turns to look at Hizashi. Everything about him was expressive and that made it even more difficult.]

Just tell me if you want to know or not.

[On one side, it was forcing Hizashi to make the decision. It wasn't out of meanness. It wasn't to free himself from the responsibility. A part of Shouta was just scared. It's not like he could play it off as just being a thing from high school. If he admitted the letter then, he was admitting it now.]

Is it yours?

[ Why else? Why else would he be acting like this? And why would he be holding back if it was just some passing letter from high school?

He wasn't sure whether to be angry or cry. Did they seriously spend all these years feeling this way and do fucking nothing about it?! He was having to bite the inside of his lip from letting it betray him too much. ]

[He was expecting a yes or no answer, not to be called out like this.]

Is it- [he echoes, dumbly, the rare moment of an entirely stunned Aizawa Shouta. That didn't give him any clues, either, if this was a good thing, a bad thing. It was clearly a thing, the idea was having an effect, he was just left unprepared to deal with that reply.]

Honestly, [he can't keep his voice unaffected, it's a little shakier than usual] I'd lend you notes so often and you couldn't even recognize my handwriting? [He'd gotten this far by just assuming he'd never saw it. Instead, he'd seen it and just never realized. What he'd expected to be an interrogation about why Hizashi never said anything turned into- what, a confession? Was he confessing just now?]

Yes, I wrote it. And I should have wrote what an idiot you were in there, too. [Right next to how being near him made him felt like he mattered, or maybe after the part about how his smile felt like sunshine.]

[ He felt himself getting emotional. This was a lot to take in at once. It was everything he could to keep his eyes from watering. ]

I was the idiot?! [ He asked while gesturing to himself. ] I practically latched myself onto you and you never said a thing! You were always so frank! It only made sense that if you felt the same you'd have said something! And what about all these years after flirting with you?!

[ Actually that was a good point. He was more calm, but no less serious. ]

Why are you bringing it up now? Nostalgia?

[Shouta's brain rushes, trying to take this in step by step. Practically latched onto him? Well, yes, they'd gotten close. To a recluse it seems about as much as anyone else, though. And of course he was frank because what would Hizashi want to do with him? As far as he was concerned, his feelings were more like a lonely stalker than something to be reciprocated. It'd be disgusting. So, of course he didn't say anything. And-]

Flirting? [If his flirting radar wasn't broken as a teenager, it was sure broken by the time he ended up in a hero office with an infamous joker who kept suggesting they get married. Each of those statements pulled together to the logical conclusion of-]

[He was an idiot.]

I didn't realize you'd found that thing. When I saw it, [something had sunk inside him like a rock, because in all his "logical" trains of thought, Hizashi had to have known it was him, and keeping it despite that must have been because he found it funny or something] I just needed to talk to you. [That was the simple version of the intensifying swirl of emotions inside him.]

[ He didn't really know what to do with that. He knew the mask was long gone, he was just Hizashi now. And he-- he still didn't know what to do with it all. So he smiles anyway. Because what else can you do? It's a soft and sad smile, though. ]

I'd always hoped it was you anyway. For a very long time.

[ He relaxed against the couch, not really looking at Shouta. In a way, it showed their closeness. He kind of wish he could fall against him right now for support like he'd more than once in time's past. ]

[That line gets Shouta to look over, to stare, take in that expression and add it to the growing pile of evidence that he was a huge idiot.]

... I shouldn't have brought this up right when you got back from the show. [Because once the emotional damage was done, then it hits on him how he sprung this on Hizashi just due to his own insecurities about it. It's an apology, without the words to actually make it one.]

Just- one more question. [The question that everything sort of hinged on. It was maybe obvious enough but he couldn't relax until any doubt of the situation was cleared.] You said- your heart was taken back then. And you were hoping for a long time. [Phrases that rung to him like someone who had long given-up, yet here the two of them were.]

... Did I miss my opportunity to say it properly? [He must have and yet here he is saying it.] Because it's a stupid old letter and I didn't know what I was doing... but it's not like my feelings have changed. [Even with insults, even with the way their lives had melded together over the years, it still seemed like a miracle that Hizashi would be around him.]

[ Here it is, Shouta. Your once in a lifetime opportunity to have Yamada Hizashi, Present Mic himself!, stunned into absolute silence. He turns to him with wide eyes as he tells him all this and... Part of him wonders if this is a quirk. An incredibly shitty April Fool's joke at the wrong time of year.

Shouta would never be that cruel. He was too soft for it. So this was legitimate or it was a quirk. ]

If your feelings haven't changed, why didn't you say something before?

[ Please don't be some villainous plot to ruin him. Please be genuine. Please. As empty as he was feeling right now trying to process this wealth of I can't believe we've wasted all this time and Shouta actually loves me, he hoped. Oh how much he hoped. ]

Because I've been asking you out for years. Years, Shouta. I never wanted to give it up, despite Dad telling me otherwise...

[Shouta wouldn't even be surprised to know Hizashi was considering it some sort of cruel villain manipulation. He knows what he's like. He knows the appearance he gives and how unsuited he was to anything remotely romantic. Now he's on the defensive of trying to explain what, to him, had felt obvious.]

I thought you were joking around. Since there was no way- [And it's not like they hadn't gone out places for food, or spending time together, just never approving of the "going out" because he'd assumed-] -Wait, your father knew? [Not only was he that much of a idiot, he was the kind of idiot parents tried to pry their kids away from. His hand slips up to his mess of hair, gripping at it to a point to cause a dull ache.]

That's why I didn't say anything. Anyone can tell I'm not suitable for you. [Which wasn't that he didn't care, just the idea that he must be happier with someone else. He was allowed to take in the smiles, the attention, the affection, but he damn well shouldn't expect more.]

I'd rather have this than risk having nothing. [Even if it ached, it was safer than saying it.] I can imagine my life without you. [He wasn't that sappy and even if everything were ruined, he would survive. But,] It'd be miserable. Joyless. [As opposed to the big ball of cheer he is normally.]

What? Of course they knew, both of them! I can't keep a secret from them, neither of them...

[ Fucking parents! Then again that's what they got for being so close. And that also wasn't the point of what the hell they were talking about.

He was very nearly about to sputter a protest and then he was shot straight in the heart. Misty eyes couldn't be held back anymore. Shit. He wasn't doing much to hide it because he was too focused on the conversation. ]

Dummy, you'd never lose me over a confession, even if I didn't feel the same! [ he said while giving his shin a gentle kick. ] And what do you mean you aren't suited for me?! Haven't you been my best friend for years?

[Shouta occasionally told his parents he wasn't dead. There was a highly different degree of familiarity there. It's sort of embarrassing to think of Hizashi's parents talking about this, trying to give him advice about this.]

[The kick pulls his attention back and he's suddenly transfixed on the other's face again. ... Shit, was he going to cry? While he is listening, he shifts a bit, leaning over and taking the other's face in his hand. A thumb gently brushes against his cheek, like looking carefully to see if those misty eyes might swell over. There were so many ways to say he wasn't suitable, the fact they were here in the first place was part of why he wasn't suitable.]

Aren't I hard enough to deal with as a friend? [They're closer to each other than he planned at the start of this conversation. Again, his heart is racing even though the effects don't quite make it to his face. There's a faint flush of color underneath his usual sunken, tired expression.]

I can't say I'd be better at anything else. [Especially since, unlike Hizashi, he never even attempted to date something else.]

[ Hizashi was such a sucker and he knew it. Just a touch and he was more quickly finding a balance to his emotions. Then again, he was always quite the tactile person, wasn't he? It helped it was Shouta. God damn it, he was still so smitten. Always had been. And now, to find out that--

But they can't worry about that now. Not when he knows now. He knows Shouta has feelings for him back. After all this time. He lets out a breath, his look more flat now. But he doesn't move away. In fact, he moves in closer. ]

Do you care about me? About my needs and feelings?

[ Both of which were rhetorical. Of fucking course he did. It was Shouta. He'd know that without any romantic feelings as part of any equation. ]

Are you willing to actually listen and tell me things from now on?

[ He'd have to be more open, more communicative. He'd have to. No relationship survives if it doesn't. ]

[They were tired, they were emotional, it wasn't a time to make decisions, but his nerves were wired. They're closer together and he'll let that touch continue. He listens, even though at this distance he finds himself just staring.]

... work always comes first. [Whether it was his duties to U.A. or his duties as a hero. He was too much of a workaholic, too dedicated, but,] You come second, third, fourth... [Above his own well-being, probably. Although, that still wasn't a pointed answer to the most important part. He'd have to communicate. It would take adjusting. Still, given the option of working a bit harder at something to try and get what he'd never thought would be possible.]

... I love you, Hizashi. [No addition, no conditions attached to it, just something honest.] I'll try not to hide it anymore.

[ It hurt a little to hear. But he also knew to expect that. This was Shouta. Everything came after being a hero, even his own health. Really, he was a lot more like All Might than he ever wanted to admit. And hearing that he took up so many slots after work did put a little grin on his face. ]

Would you stop acting like I don't know you already? Eraserhead - best pro hero.

[ Shit.

Those words, those three small words. He was finally going to let himself feel happy about all this. He moved in to wrap arms around his middle, again not something too strange... Well. Sometimes Hizashi had been forcing him into it. But still. ]

I love you too, Shouta. And good luck keeping me off of you now.

[ Little sassy grin, just for good measure. ]

Maybe not best. [But he tries.] It's not like I'd be Eraserhead without you. [Mainly literally, but a bit figurative there, too. He'd have gotten here no matter what, but Hizashi's presence in school, getting food after internships, ending up as U.A. together...]

[So, of course, Hizashi knows him, knows every little detail about him, and that should have encouraged him to do something like this a long time ago. He knows about his penchant for expulsions, the irritated faces he makes when grading, the way he dives into his work and barely comes up for air, and the fact he's got a frequent customer card for the cat cafe down the road.]

[He may tense up at the initial squeeze, a conditioned habit, before slowly and purposefully unwinding. He returns the gesture loosely, resting his chin on the other's shoulder.]

I'll get used to it. [He sounds more relaxed, like all the tension from earlier in the evening was slowly sinking out of his body and being replaced with a sort fo content tiredness.]

Trying to butter me up with flattery now?

[ Even with the sass, there was a smile on his face. It would take a day or two to really process all this. To settle in with the idea that they were so stupid to have kept missing each other. He'd remain it was Shouta's fault until the very end but... Well, he could have been more frank, couldn't he?

Shouta's social intelligence wasn't always the best (people weren't logical, right?) and he knew that. But. Didn't really matter. He had him in his arms right now and an 'I told you so' to text his dad about later.

Hizashi shifted closer so holding wouldn't be an awkward stretch. He wasn't keen to let go of him just yet. In fact, he placed a nice little kiss on his cheek. Something to keep in mind for later, maybe. ]

[There might be a moment or two over the next couple of days where Shouta stops and wonders if it wasn't just something he dreamed. Then again, his dreams were never about it working out properly. Eventually, he'd arrive at the conclusion this was how things had to end up eventually, somewhere in-between the third and tenth pointed hug of the day.]

[He was going to have to undo ages of pointedly distancing himself physically, wasn't he. Slowly condition his body to realize this was fine, this was what he wanted, and it wasn't some suffocating hold he didn't deserve. It made Hizashi happy, though. That would help.]

You know I'm no good at flattery. [He means what he says to the point of bluntness. That means everything in the letter, as corny as it was, was entirely true to how he saw it.] Maybe I just wanted to tell you.

[ He would like to pretend it's going to take a long time to warm up to the idea of being affectionate with Shouta but. It wouldn't. It really wouldn't. Two, three meetings. Maximum. He was already settling against him so perfectly. ]

Oh well please, feel free to stroke my ego.

[ It wasn't everyday you got to hear sweet talk from Aizawa. ]

Can I kiss you?

[ The question is more casual than he thought. Not gentle so much as cautious. And he didn't want to surprise him, to scare him away. ]

[Shouta's relaxing into the hug and, now that the tiredness is setting back in, sort of feels like he could just fall asleep there. That's not a good idea, not what he should do, but the idea lingers there anyways. At least there's a question to pull his mind away from it. A question that surprises him a bit, even if it shouldn't.]

Yes. [He appreciates the caution.]

You'll probably be better at it than me, though. [There's a half-smile to his eyes, a bit of wry humor about his own inexperience.] So don't complain.

[ It was only because of how they were sitting. Otherwise he would have started with his cheek and hoped for the best.

Mic pulled away to give him a knowing look. ]

I would have been better even if you had the same exp level.

[ But that was all teasing. He didn't care. Practice makes perfect right? He leaned in carefully. Not gently or hesitantly, carefully. Nose resting against the tip of his as he tilted his head. He mumbled against his lips, barely brushing them. ]

All you have to do is kiss me like you mean it.

[Well, now that teasing was almost a challenge. He doesn't need to be better than Hizashi, though, that was just childish. It did make it clear that it was pointless to worry about doing it perfectly. He just needed to do it, as punctuated by their current closeness, just a step away from the actual act, and mean it.]

[Which, of course, he did.]

[So he closes the gap between their lips, a little less carefully than Hizashi began. He doesn't press too far forward scouting out the sensation, getting a feel for how their lips felt pressed together. It was probably average, his mind says, statistically like any kiss out there. Still, it made his heart race in a way that was absolutely, disgusting sentimental.]

Secrets I have held in my heart

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italics = english

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great timing! i just sat down at my computer for the morning

my timing for the rest of the day was not so great tho..............

workdays suck dude

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