...so i have to ask, WAS there a UD definition for married i oughta know about?
You told Will we do that to be POLITE right? You told him we could just talk over him if he wants to feel like a third wheel all the time? TELL HIM THAT. And tell him to get you some less ugly ties for fathers day
[there's a brief pause here while Feelings occur]
the term you want for that is 'ride or die'. which applies here too.
ANYWAY i realized this cuz the bodega's out of that mouthwash you like and I caught myself googling the brand to find local carriers and went four bus stops outta the way. So I'm gonna be late but mission accomplished
Mostly I knew it as a romantic-sexual agreement, so I assumed a slang interpretation must be what you meant. Urban Dictionary suggests "the number one cause of divorce" and "the beginning of the end" as definitions for marriage, although I did find out that two female friends will sometimes refer to each other as 'wife' in a friendly way. But overwhelmingly, the associations with 'married' is negative.
I think he was less complaining and more suddenly venting something that had been on his mind for some time. If I had to hazard a guess, he may be jealous of our relationship? And-- what about Fathers Day? Neither of us have one, Neph. And my ties are not any uglier than your leggings.
Urban Dictionary has finally shown me a positive definition. I agree with that phrase.
[wow hannibal was doing fine with his own emotions but googling and then going 4 extra stops for his mouthwash? the kind that she's teased him about because he's so picky and exacting about what he puts in his mouth in every single regard? she did a nice thing for him? there's a bit of a pause for Feelings in return]
I just ordered you one of those bath bombs you enjoy as repayment. I appreciate the effort.
YIKES i'm suddenly real glad i haven't introduced you to sitcoms or romcoms. they really don't make marriage look good either so welcome to what the kids call the heteronormative hellscape. but 'married' can just mean really committed like 'married to your work'. Wills guess what more what i meant tho
well tell him to stop cuz I got a bag of those seasonal swedish fish he was mainlining too. besides you guys babbled at each other about luminol for TWO HOURS yesterday and I didnt sulk or anything
oh right he's my/our son now this is your official notice. i'm getting a fathers day card apparently
[He gets a line of car emojis here, and although this is a phrase she's absolutely used in conversation before, it's going to be a whole lot more weighted in the future. Honestly she didn't even stop to think until she was getting on bus #3 and the anvil dropped.]
Aww thank you!!!! You didn't have to! I promise I'll run the fan so the smell doesnt get everywhere.
The same heteronormativity (of married life equating a sexless wasteland) existed in France as well, I assure you. It is...disappointing to read as a defined joke, however. [something about that word gives him pause. what is it? huh... it's bound to come to him eventually...]
I can't believe he eats those things, they're colored rubber. And I told you I'd happily explain the reduction-oxidization reaction of Luminol to you if you wanted, Neph, it's hardly difficult chemistry. Then you could join in and 'babble' along, if you wanted to.
I see. He's just texted me a Father's Day card he intends to give you. He's asking me if I would like a Father's Day one as well, or a Mother's Day card. Should I continue the heteronormativity of our 'marriage' and request the latter?
I wanted to. [look, he can be trained! a single emoji, of a flower. it's probably been interpreted as a specific kind and is symbolic. ooooor he's just messing around with the 'married' joke.] And I appreciate THAT quite a lot.
do you think it's true since it's not just here? like I have zero basis for comparison but how depressing would that be it if just HAPPENED TO EVERYONE WHO GOT MARRIED. [look she's been giving it some effort both on purpose and accidentally but she's starting to lose patience with subtlety]
they're not that bad but japan needs to stop inventing terrible new candy flavors and shipping them around the whole freaking world. wasabi is not a candy and neither is bbq sauce i don't care what will's southern taste buds think. and okay I followed up to the stuff about reacting to iron somehow but WHAT ABOUT THINGS THAT DONT HAVE IRON BASED BLOOD HUH?
you pick for urself darling. i wouldn't dream of enforcing gender norms on you
[She's actually been working on her flower language, because that's just silly enough to be genuinely interesting, but she's not totally sure what that one's supposed to be, so she figures door #2. He gets a string of sparkles and hearts in return]
Lee is dying. she's deceased. lee has shuffled off the mortal heteronormative coil
...Neph it's obviously not true. It's not marriage. It's the idea of what marriage is supposed to be, and people that rush into it based on poor relationships.
[wait no here it comes, he's got it now. he's figured out what it was about the word 'heteronormative' that was sticking to his brain.] Neph, speaking of heteronormativity and gender norms. I'd never really used preexisting terms to describe it, but we have discussed our preferences briefly before, and...are neither of us heterosexual? [please imagine him staring off into the middle distance and slowly realizing 'oh my god... i think i might not be straight']
It's possible I've never agreed with you more about junk food. And nothing? What? Everyone has iron in their blood, what else would the oxygen stick to for transport around the body? Is this about that X-Files show again?
I told him to choose. I think that startled him. I'll have to continue being ambiguous and see if I can further unbalance him.
[hannibal doesn't often look through the emojis, but when he does, he ends up finding the flamenco/ballroom dancers. it's possible he adds on one each of the man and the woman ones. it's possible.]
Thank goodness she appreciates fine nonsense. Next step is obviously costume jewelry promise rings.
okay but what if people just aren't meant to stick together uber long term and everybody gets bitter about it eventually? MONOGAMY, that's the word I want. what if monogamy's a terrible idea.
[she's...going to need a few minutes to get her thoughts together here. The elipses bubble flashes and disappears and flashes again on Hannibal's screen about seven times as she types, deletes, starts and stops. She hasn't had a lot of time, never mind the inclination, to examine herself here, and she's pretty sure Hannibal has been operating on default hetero mode out of habit, but now there's Will and...she can't botch this.] i mean if 'heterosexual' here means 'interested in mashing up on somebody of the opposite gender', then I don't think so. For me it's mashing up on ANYBODY though. I think you said you just aren't interested in people you don't know?
[Oh man what if that's too much? What if she pushed that too far? Think, think, give him an out if he needs it...]
...actually its weird because hetero is the default? but wouldn't NOTHING be the default and then all other preferences kind of stack from there? so hetero ought to be a column like all the other preferences instead of the starting point? idk...
Well, there's Vulcans. But also all kinds of other stuff. I'll break out some books when I get home!
it's cute how you say that like you aren't always doing it 24/7 already. good luck becoming peak human enigma.
from lee or from hannibal. i've lost all control of this au WHERE AM I
'People' could be any relationship. 'Monogamy' implies romance. I don't think longterm relationships always need to end in bitterness, although all of them will eventually end. Do you think monogamy is a terrible idea?
[Hannibal isn't even entirely sure what is swimming most in the forefront of his mind - what he'd felt for Murasaki, what he hadn't felt for every other female he's ever interacted with, what he feels about--
about--
luckily, Neph's ellipses become new texts before Hannibal has to finish that sentence with the obvious name.] 'Heterosexual' was simply the default to me for a very long time, even if it didn't affect my feelings or what I thought I ought to be feeling. I suppose that means you're not heterosexual, then, and that any terms for myself might be more ambiguous. Or perhaps I'm too eager to split hairs now that I realize there may be degrees to this. Because yes, you're correct, I'm uninterested in people I don't know. But then, I'm often uninterested in people I DO know, and that's hardly out of the ordinary for heterosexuals. The potential for attraction doesn't ensure it.
[This is...hard. And he feels like his original point is slipping through his fingers.
The other part of that word implies opposite gender, which hadn't been his point initially but now feels significant. He stares out the window for perhaps too long.]
I think something more like watercolors might be appropriate, but that still does make 'nothing' the default. A blank canvas with splotches of appropriate symbolic colors painted on, with a lack of lines and a lot of bleeding-over from different brush strokes. I think the idea of columns or boxes in the first place might be a mistake.
[Not that that matters, though, because his canvas would be a lone angry, confused streak of one color and then nothing more. Wouldn't it? Why does he feel like there's something else that ought to go there?]
Neph. [It takes a long time for his ellipses to finally stop and resolve into an actual new text.] I realize you've just said you're not interested in anyone, so perhaps you can't help me, but how would I know if I was attracted to someone for more than just friendship? The two of us are very close, and I feel for you intensely, but I can tell it isn't romantic. But I'm realizing I might not be certain how to tell if it IS romantic.
from/for hannibal but lee getting in on the joke is ALSO choice
i dunno, the divorce rate kind of makes it look that way. but you're probably right that a lot of it's just people making really bad decisions too fast.
[There's something else there, something in how monogamy might not imply romance so much as physical stuff, in some cases. Neph is aware that relationships can be purely sexual, that's...a lot of what she's been exposed to. But what about ones that are purely romantic? Is that a thing?
Oh there they go.]
no i guess i'm not...which ive never thought to myself before. even 'uninterested' was still 'default guys if anything' from everybody who sort of figured out what i was trying to say. that feels weird.
But okay POTENTIALLY you could be interested in anybody if you spend time with them and they're worth effort, just like its safe to say im not. Is that how it feels like it works?
[This is actually helpful, because there'd been a moment back when she first realized what all the intense heated staring might mean that she'd felt betrayed. He'd said they were alike, in this, but he was wrong, and it burned until she remembered how he'd focused on the strangers aspect of hooking up. That's why she had the observation ready to go - it's occupied rather a lot of her brainspace lately.
But they're getting way off topic with the watercolor analogy. Hannibal, why. Why words.
Hannibal, why impossible questions?]
Oh. Wow, Hanners I'm the WORST person to try and figure that out. We're married as fuck but clearly that's different. I'll try though. i mean just the fact that you KNOW FOR SURE with me should be a sign, right? If there were somebody else and you wanted to be around them all the time like we are but thinking about all that other stuff doesn't flip your NO switch then doesn't that mean that door's open? Think of me/us like the control group?
YOU get a promise ring! and YOU get a cheap promise ring! EVERYONE GETS A CHEAP PROMISE RING
50% of marriages ending in divorce includes people who have continuously made a terrible decision and been remarried multiple times, as well. I don't care to look at statistics from the typical population when assessing my own chances for happiness. ['never tell me the odds']
It's certainly a strange revelation to be having, for myself as well. It sounds like it may never be relevant for you in the sense of including a relationship, but perhaps it's good to know where you stand so that you can stand in that spot more firmly? We've touched briefly on how demanding others can be about this kind of thing.
[He gives her question some thought, but those ellipses turn into text soon enough.] I believe so. I don't know if I want a term for that beyond knowing that I'm not interested in anyone until I am, in fact, interested in someone, but that is how I would describe the sensation. I had never given thought, only an assumption, as to whether or not the sex of the other person might matter to me. I suppose I'm surprised to realize that even as a theoretical exercise, it does not.
[Hannibal feels a little betrayed, himself. He couldn't be with Murasaki - for a multitude of reasons - and while there's still a young kid's stubbornness in him that sometimes wants to get a plane ticket back to France and see her, he also knows that twenty-five years removed that it absolutely cannot happen. But he'd also thought of her as a potential fluke, not his norm expressing itself. Confronting this possibility for future attraction is being presented with new and unwanted data, and Hannibal can't help but handle it with suspicion right now.]
...You have a compelling point.
[please pardon hannibal while his ENTIRE BRAIN reboots]
What if the person I might be interested in romantically IS heterosexual, though? Hypothetically speaking.
...he wouldn't even wear a CHEAP one, though, it'd probably turn his skin green or something
huh i never thought about the serial fuckups. and im gonna remind you you said that the next time you give me shit about keeping food past the expiration date. but maybe theres a better way to be doing relationships or so many people wouldn't be unhappy and maybe its cuz everybodys told there's one default
[Translation: if everyone just backed off and minded their own business things would be a lot nicer for everyone, with an extra dash of bitterness from the girl who can't seem to avoid having expected sexuality foisted off on her despite doing her damndest to remove external markers.]
or maybe i could have a relationship with somebody else like me? idk its not a priority really but i like not being alone [Which is the closest she'll come to touching on that zap of betrayal here. She just...has to keep a tight lid on that right now, has to not think about what it could mean down the line if Will likes Hannibal back and--
--and he theoretically likes boys. THERE.]
that's a pretty big thing to start thinking about, of course you're surprised! but Hannibal i don't think you've ever been any kind of "default" so it doesn't surprise me. it just means you've got more options, which is good because so far you've been pretty picky about finding interesting people! if you took out a whole gender youd be shooting yourself in the foot.
[The fact that he's NOT textwalling at her about her last point means it's really made an impact. Neph hunches over her phone on the bus seat, breathing light and shallow.]
well...you can't do anything about who other people are attracted to. and you can't MAKE someone like you back. but maybe they're not het, maybe they just haven't thought about it yet like you hadn't until now. so talk to them about it?
he just READS the phrase 'nickel-plated' and gets hives
A lack of imagination and ability to think for oneself is the cause of a lot of life's problems. A lack of honesty being encouraged between partners surely is related to marital issues across the globe, as well. And the pressure to choose at all. Not everyone performs well under pressure.
[The next reply gives Hannibal pause. Enough that he wonders if there was an implication he missed in his own texts. He's still marveling too much at the topic, and too aware of how precarious it is, to want to push it far, but he can't help but try to clarify.]
'A relationship'? I thought you were saying you aren't interested in romantic relationships? Intensity and depth are measurements that don't need to be restrained by friendly/romantic/sexual demarcations. WE have a relationship that is non-sexual and non-romantic. Isn't that what a relationship with 'somebody else like you' would be like? Or do you mean you might be romantically interested in others as well?
[It feels nitpicky, even to himself, but it gets Hannibal wondering about the implications behind the word 'relationship', in any and all of his languages. Is him talking about romance making Neph think he wants to have sex with someone, even though he never said that? ...Does he? Does it even matter, if a very deep relationship and friendship is occasionally annotated with sexual contact?
Hannibal thinks he might be happy with or without it. Does that mean his partner will decide whether or not it includes sex? Will Hannibal have more of an opinion himself once the possibility is assured and not just theoretical - once he's actually in a romantic relationship, assuming it ever happens?
There's so much to unpack, here, things Hannibal has never bothered examining. This feels like unthreading something complex and large - carefully pulling back the sewing someone else has done, and realizing your own pattern might be completely different, that it was only ever one person's possible pattern you'd been looking at this whole time.]
I wouldn't have minded never finding anyone at all. A wider net was never my intention, but it appears to be the case.
[Hannibal can't help but pull faces when he's told he can't do things, no matter how reasonable those 'no's are. It's a long-ingrained habit.]
I'll have to speak with him about it. [ding ding ding, gendered pronoun alert] At some point. Far in the future.
Neph? Thank you for speaking with me about this.
god he probably has a full body allergic reaction to Claire's...
are you saying I can avoid the topic like i avoid all my other problems because THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. [and also: accurate! So far peacing out of those conversations has been wildly effective!
Neph gnaws at her lip, head tilting against the window. This is where it gets hard to put the right words down, an easily disturbed breadcrumb trail to the point she's trying to make.]
i don't know. i don't know what 'romance' looks like when it's not connected to the stuff i don't want. i've only ever seen it when somebody's trying to sleep with somebody else. if you take sex out of the picture what's the difference between romance and just being really good friends? no idea.
[Aside from the fact that her feelings for Hannibal are very Not, that is. Will got closest when he called them sibling-ish, although that also doesn't feel quite right.
'Married as fuck' is...the most accurate phrase she's been able to apply.]
I don't know if that's true. the doctor didn't have anybody and i always felt like he wouldve been happier if he werent alone. so i'm happy you're thinking about finding somebody.
[She's surprised to find that that's true, as she types it. If she frames this to herself as avoiding Lecter's empty house, it's suddenly MUCH easier to accept.
THERE. THERE IT IS. IS THIS AS MUCH OF A VICTORY AS IT FEELS LIKE BECAUSE HONESTLY IT'S BEEN AN UPHILL BATTLE JUST SITTING ON THIS SHIT FOR SO LONG.]
you do that! one of these Saturdays maybe, although i have very reasonable wingman rates
[She gives that a solid twenty seconds to settle, imagines his face, and only then addresses the last text:]
youre very welcome. i'm glad you told me. i'm glad you wanted to tell me.
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no subject
You told Will we do that to be POLITE right? You told him we could just talk over him if he wants to feel like a third wheel all the time? TELL HIM THAT. And tell him to get you some less ugly ties for fathers day
[there's a brief pause here while Feelings occur]
the term you want for that is 'ride or die'. which applies here too.
ANYWAY i realized this cuz the bodega's out of that mouthwash you like and I caught myself googling the brand to find local carriers and went four bus stops outta the way. So I'm gonna be late but mission accomplished
no subject
I think he was less complaining and more suddenly venting something that had been on his mind for some time. If I had to hazard a guess, he may be jealous of our relationship? And-- what about Fathers Day? Neither of us have one, Neph. And my ties are not any uglier than your leggings.
Urban Dictionary has finally shown me a positive definition. I agree with that phrase.
[wow hannibal was doing fine with his own emotions but googling and then going 4 extra stops for his mouthwash? the kind that she's teased him about because he's so picky and exacting about what he puts in his mouth in every single regard? she did a nice thing for him? there's a bit of a pause for Feelings in return]
I just ordered you one of those bath bombs you enjoy as repayment. I appreciate the effort.
no subject
well tell him to stop cuz I got a bag of those seasonal swedish fish he was mainlining too. besides you guys babbled at each other about luminol for TWO HOURS yesterday and I didnt sulk or anything
oh right he's my/our son now this is your official notice. i'm getting a fathers day card apparently
[He gets a line of car emojis here, and although this is a phrase she's absolutely used in conversation before, it's going to be a whole lot more weighted in the future. Honestly she didn't even stop to think until she was getting on bus #3 and the anvil dropped.]
Aww thank you!!!! You didn't have to! I promise I'll run the fan so the smell doesnt get everywhere.
no subject
I can't believe he eats those things, they're colored rubber. And I told you I'd happily explain the reduction-oxidization reaction of Luminol to you if you wanted, Neph, it's hardly difficult chemistry. Then you could join in and 'babble' along, if you wanted to.
I see. He's just texted me a Father's Day card he intends to give you. He's asking me if I would like a Father's Day one as well, or a Mother's Day card. Should I continue the heteronormativity of our 'marriage' and request the latter?
I wanted to. [look, he can be trained! a single emoji, of a flower. it's probably been interpreted as a specific kind and is symbolic. ooooor he's just messing around with the 'married' joke.] And I appreciate THAT quite a lot.
she's screencapping this entire convo to Lee
they're not that bad but japan needs to stop inventing terrible new candy flavors and shipping them around the whole freaking world. wasabi is not a candy and neither is bbq sauce i don't care what will's southern taste buds think. and okay I followed up to the stuff about reacting to iron somehow but WHAT ABOUT THINGS THAT DONT HAVE IRON BASED BLOOD HUH?
you pick for urself darling. i wouldn't dream of enforcing gender norms on you
[She's actually been working on her flower language, because that's just silly enough to be genuinely interesting, but she's not totally sure what that one's supposed to be, so she figures door #2. He gets a string of sparkles and hearts in return]
Lee is dying. she's deceased. lee has shuffled off the mortal heteronormative coil
[wait no here it comes, he's got it now. he's figured out what it was about the word 'heteronormative' that was sticking to his brain.] Neph, speaking of heteronormativity and gender norms. I'd never really used preexisting terms to describe it, but we have discussed our preferences briefly before, and...are neither of us heterosexual? [please imagine him staring off into the middle distance and slowly realizing 'oh my god... i think i might not be straight']
It's possible I've never agreed with you more about junk food. And nothing? What? Everyone has iron in their blood, what else would the oxygen stick to for transport around the body? Is this about that X-Files show again?
I told him to choose. I think that startled him. I'll have to continue being ambiguous and see if I can further unbalance him.
[hannibal doesn't often look through the emojis, but when he does, he ends up finding the flamenco/ballroom dancers. it's possible he adds on one each of the man and the woman ones. it's possible.]
Thank goodness she appreciates fine nonsense. Next step is obviously costume jewelry promise rings.
[she's...going to need a few minutes to get her thoughts together here. The elipses bubble flashes and disappears and flashes again on Hannibal's screen about seven times as she types, deletes, starts and stops. She hasn't had a lot of time, never mind the inclination, to examine herself here, and she's pretty sure Hannibal has been operating on default hetero mode out of habit, but now there's Will and...she can't botch this.] i mean if 'heterosexual' here means 'interested in mashing up on somebody of the opposite gender', then I don't think so. For me it's mashing up on ANYBODY though. I think you said you just aren't interested in people you don't know?
[Oh man what if that's too much? What if she pushed that too far? Think, think, give him an out if he needs it...]
...actually its weird because hetero is the default? but wouldn't NOTHING be the default and then all other preferences kind of stack from there? so hetero ought to be a column like all the other preferences instead of the starting point? idk...
Well, there's Vulcans. But also all kinds of other stuff. I'll break out some books when I get home!
it's cute how you say that like you aren't always doing it 24/7 already. good luck becoming peak human enigma.
from lee or from hannibal. i've lost all control of this au WHERE AM I
[Hannibal isn't even entirely sure what is swimming most in the forefront of his mind - what he'd felt for Murasaki, what he hadn't felt for every other female he's ever interacted with, what he feels about--
about--
luckily, Neph's ellipses become new texts before Hannibal has to finish that sentence with the obvious name.] 'Heterosexual' was simply the default to me for a very long time, even if it didn't affect my feelings or what I thought I ought to be feeling. I suppose that means you're not heterosexual, then, and that any terms for myself might be more ambiguous. Or perhaps I'm too eager to split hairs now that I realize there may be degrees to this. Because yes, you're correct, I'm uninterested in people I don't know. But then, I'm often uninterested in people I DO know, and that's hardly out of the ordinary for heterosexuals. The potential for attraction doesn't ensure it.
[This is...hard. And he feels like his original point is slipping through his fingers.
The other part of that word implies opposite gender, which hadn't been his point initially but now feels significant. He stares out the window for perhaps too long.]
I think something more like watercolors might be appropriate, but that still does make 'nothing' the default. A blank canvas with splotches of appropriate symbolic colors painted on, with a lack of lines and a lot of bleeding-over from different brush strokes. I think the idea of columns or boxes in the first place might be a mistake.
[Not that that matters, though, because his canvas would be a lone angry, confused streak of one color and then nothing more. Wouldn't it? Why does he feel like there's something else that ought to go there?]
Neph. [It takes a long time for his ellipses to finally stop and resolve into an actual new text.] I realize you've just said you're not interested in anyone, so perhaps you can't help me, but how would I know if I was attracted to someone for more than just friendship? The two of us are very close, and I feel for you intensely, but I can tell it isn't romantic. But I'm realizing I might not be certain how to tell if it IS romantic.
from/for hannibal but lee getting in on the joke is ALSO choice
[There's something else there, something in how monogamy might not imply romance so much as physical stuff, in some cases. Neph is aware that relationships can be purely sexual, that's...a lot of what she's been exposed to. But what about ones that are purely romantic? Is that a thing?
Oh there they go.]
no i guess i'm not...which ive never thought to myself before. even 'uninterested' was still 'default guys if anything' from everybody who sort of figured out what i was trying to say. that feels weird.
But okay POTENTIALLY you could be interested in anybody if you spend time with them and they're worth effort, just like its safe to say im not. Is that how it feels like it works?
[This is actually helpful, because there'd been a moment back when she first realized what all the intense heated staring might mean that she'd felt betrayed. He'd said they were alike, in this, but he was wrong, and it burned until she remembered how he'd focused on the strangers aspect of hooking up. That's why she had the observation ready to go - it's occupied rather a lot of her brainspace lately.
But they're getting way off topic with the watercolor analogy. Hannibal, why. Why words.
Hannibal, why impossible questions?]
Oh. Wow, Hanners I'm the WORST person to try and figure that out. We're married as fuck but clearly that's different. I'll try though. i mean just the fact that you KNOW FOR SURE with me should be a sign, right? If there were somebody else and you wanted to be around them all the time like we are but thinking about all that other stuff doesn't flip your NO switch then doesn't that mean that door's open? Think of me/us like the control group?
YOU get a promise ring! and YOU get a cheap promise ring! EVERYONE GETS A CHEAP PROMISE RING
It's certainly a strange revelation to be having, for myself as well. It sounds like it may never be relevant for you in the sense of including a relationship, but perhaps it's good to know where you stand so that you can stand in that spot more firmly? We've touched briefly on how demanding others can be about this kind of thing.
[He gives her question some thought, but those ellipses turn into text soon enough.] I believe so. I don't know if I want a term for that beyond knowing that I'm not interested in anyone until I am, in fact, interested in someone, but that is how I would describe the sensation. I had never given thought, only an assumption, as to whether or not the sex of the other person might matter to me. I suppose I'm surprised to realize that even as a theoretical exercise, it does not.
[Hannibal feels a little betrayed, himself. He couldn't be with Murasaki - for a multitude of reasons - and while there's still a young kid's stubbornness in him that sometimes wants to get a plane ticket back to France and see her, he also knows that twenty-five years removed that it absolutely cannot happen. But he'd also thought of her as a potential fluke, not his norm expressing itself. Confronting this possibility for future attraction is being presented with new and unwanted data, and Hannibal can't help but handle it with suspicion right now.]
...You have a compelling point.
[please pardon hannibal while his ENTIRE BRAIN reboots]
What if the person I might be interested in romantically IS heterosexual, though? Hypothetically speaking.
...he wouldn't even wear a CHEAP one, though, it'd probably turn his skin green or something
[Translation: if everyone just backed off and minded their own business things would be a lot nicer for everyone, with an extra dash of bitterness from the girl who can't seem to avoid having expected sexuality foisted off on her despite doing her damndest to remove external markers.]
or maybe i could have a relationship with somebody else like me? idk its not a priority really but i like not being alone [Which is the closest she'll come to touching on that zap of betrayal here. She just...has to keep a tight lid on that right now, has to not think about what it could mean down the line if Will likes Hannibal back and--
--and he theoretically likes boys. THERE.]
that's a pretty big thing to start thinking about, of course you're surprised! but Hannibal i don't think you've ever been any kind of "default" so it doesn't surprise me. it just means you've got more options, which is good because so far you've been pretty picky about finding interesting people! if you took out a whole gender youd be shooting yourself in the foot.
[The fact that he's NOT textwalling at her about her last point means it's really made an impact. Neph hunches over her phone on the bus seat, breathing light and shallow.]
well...you can't do anything about who other people are attracted to. and you can't MAKE someone like you back. but maybe they're not het, maybe they just haven't thought about it yet like you hadn't until now. so talk to them about it?
he just READS the phrase 'nickel-plated' and gets hives
[The next reply gives Hannibal pause. Enough that he wonders if there was an implication he missed in his own texts. He's still marveling too much at the topic, and too aware of how precarious it is, to want to push it far, but he can't help but try to clarify.]
'A relationship'? I thought you were saying you aren't interested in romantic relationships? Intensity and depth are measurements that don't need to be restrained by friendly/romantic/sexual demarcations. WE have a relationship that is non-sexual and non-romantic. Isn't that what a relationship with 'somebody else like you' would be like? Or do you mean you might be romantically interested in others as well?
[It feels nitpicky, even to himself, but it gets Hannibal wondering about the implications behind the word 'relationship', in any and all of his languages. Is him talking about romance making Neph think he wants to have sex with someone, even though he never said that? ...Does he? Does it even matter, if a very deep relationship and friendship is occasionally annotated with sexual contact?
Hannibal thinks he might be happy with or without it. Does that mean his partner will decide whether or not it includes sex? Will Hannibal have more of an opinion himself once the possibility is assured and not just theoretical - once he's actually in a romantic relationship, assuming it ever happens?
There's so much to unpack, here, things Hannibal has never bothered examining. This feels like unthreading something complex and large - carefully pulling back the sewing someone else has done, and realizing your own pattern might be completely different, that it was only ever one person's possible pattern you'd been looking at this whole time.]
I wouldn't have minded never finding anyone at all. A wider net was never my intention, but it appears to be the case.
[Hannibal can't help but pull faces when he's told he can't do things, no matter how reasonable those 'no's are. It's a long-ingrained habit.]
I'll have to speak with him about it. [ding ding ding, gendered pronoun alert] At some point. Far in the future.
Neph? Thank you for speaking with me about this.
god he probably has a full body allergic reaction to Claire's...
Neph gnaws at her lip, head tilting against the window. This is where it gets hard to put the right words down, an easily disturbed breadcrumb trail to the point she's trying to make.]
i don't know. i don't know what 'romance' looks like when it's not connected to the stuff i don't want. i've only ever seen it when somebody's trying to sleep with somebody else. if you take sex out of the picture what's the difference between romance and just being really good friends? no idea.
[Aside from the fact that her feelings for Hannibal are very Not, that is. Will got closest when he called them sibling-ish, although that also doesn't feel quite right.
'Married as fuck' is...the most accurate phrase she's been able to apply.]
I don't know if that's true. the doctor didn't have anybody and i always felt like he wouldve been happier if he werent alone. so i'm happy you're thinking about finding somebody.
[She's surprised to find that that's true, as she types it. If she frames this to herself as avoiding Lecter's empty house, it's suddenly MUCH easier to accept.
THERE. THERE IT IS. IS THIS AS MUCH OF A VICTORY AS IT FEELS LIKE BECAUSE HONESTLY IT'S BEEN AN UPHILL BATTLE JUST SITTING ON THIS SHIT FOR SO LONG.]
you do that! one of these Saturdays maybe, although i have very reasonable wingman rates
[She gives that a solid twenty seconds to settle, imagines his face, and only then addresses the last text:]
youre very welcome. i'm glad you told me. i'm glad you wanted to tell me.