tfln

[drunktexting]

the drill, you know it

Comments

[crownless_king]

...Uh...yeah? How else am I gonna find a Han?

...or a Luke. I'm not gonna kink shame.

[samantha_grey]

And which did you find? I'm almost scared enough to guess you ended up doing daddy kink with a vader, or some weird Moff Tarkin interrogation scene.

[crownless_king]

All I'm gonna say is...the head of HR has some sick Darth Jar-Jar fantasies.

[samantha_grey]

Ok, now I have to know. Please tell me you took pictures. Just show them on your phone next time I see you. I'd spread those.

[crownless_king]

Yeah, I'M not the one that took pictures. ...I need to get a Slave Leia costume by Friday or else...

[samantha_grey]

Trust me. Nobody's fighting to get one of those right now. You should have your pick at the costume shop.

Wait, don't tell me. You're asking me to brave the death glare I'll get buying this right now, aren't you? You're going to fucking owe me.

[crownless_king]

I am a white, mostly heterosexual male! Who wears leather jackets and jeans with holes in the knees! I'll get torn apart by a tumblr death squad if I'm even seen next to one of those! So, uh...yeah.

I'm totally fucking asking!

[samantha_grey]

I was at New Years. You're not fooling anyone with that "Mostly Heterosexual" line. You were humping the ficus.

Yeah, you definitely owe me. Anal, and you're dressing as the twilek for it.

[crownless_king]

It's not gay if you're not sober!

And why is it always butt stuff!?

[samantha_grey]

Keep telling yourself that. The ficus will never be the same.

And that's because you're really good at cleaning duty. Call me your sarlack pit like a good twilek dancer, or I'll feed you to the Rancor.

[crownless_king]

Also when it's a plant, its only gay if you identify as a Douglas Fir-kin.

...

Great! Now I got a boner that just fucking confuses me. The fuck does that mean?! Do your holes have teeth!? Do you have a dog that looks like a cancerous shaven testicle on steroids!?

[samantha_grey]

So you're saying your inner plant soul is a cactus?

And I'm a succubus. What do you think? Of course they have teeth! You're still licking them.

[crownless_king]

No, it's a mushroom. The psychedelic kind.

WOW, okay, I'm never masturbating to you again. Jesus Christ, that sounds like fucking a cheese grater/blender combo!

[samantha_grey]

Hey, I have multiple settings! I'm not some cut-rate one setting blender for your cock, dumbass! I'll only chew you up if you piss me off down there.

[crownless_king]

...Wait really?

Okay, go on.

[samantha_grey]

[Dude, she's fucked trolls, and you're officially one of the most sexually screwed up people she knows, but she's laughing.]

You make sure I get off and no teeth at all. Think of it like a carrot on a stick. So long as you don't bring an actual carrot for my hoo hah. We'll have words if you do that.

[crownless_king]

Wait, aren't you the one sticking something down my exhaust port until I give up the rebel homeworld? I'm confused now.

Also, does that mean you've got like...a massage chair setting for your fun holes?

[samantha_grey]

Good thing we cleared this up. No, you're sticking your tongue up my ass, not the other way around. I'm not hungry, so this is all about my pleasure, not lunch.

And yes, I've got a massage chair setting. It's on my tail. Do a good job and I'll show you.

[crownless_king]

So you want the Gungan Tongue treatment while I dress up like a Twilek? Wait, so what was the fucking Rancor then!? And do I need to bring my Death Star anal beads?

Okay, fine. But I swear, warm freshly dead tauntaun, not sandy, toothy sarlacc.