The Advice Column Meme

[redrobbinghood]

The Advice Column Meme



Somehow or another you got roped into handling an advice column, taking on the well known pen name of Auntie Lu. Your responsibility, sh- as you have accepted it, is to respond to heartfelt letters. You are the dispenser of good advice, of good intentions, and there's no way that this will go wrong. No way at all.

• Post.


• ...with a letter. Something like,
  
  

  Auntie Lu,
  
  Cripes. One of my coworkers constantly partners me on assignments with this one woman who I can't stand. She's not bad looking, but she never. Shuts. Up. I tried asking my boss for help but he just laughed.
  
  She's got a number of other, ah, partners. Do you think playing matchmaker would be one way of fixing this problem before I go insane?
  
  Unsupported And Okay With This

  
  
  (Even if you're on an account we'll assume you're anon unless you make it painfully obvious in your letter.)


• Then reply to other people with heartfelt advice.
  
  

  Unsupported,
  
  HAHAHA deal with it.
  
  Laughing,
  Auntie Lu



• And have shenanigans. Your character suspect who the other person is? Is yours disgruntled about the bad advice? Take the prompt and run with it.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I think my cousin wants to take over the world, and I haven't seen him in months. I just want to know why he's doing this for now. How should I approach him?

- Left In The Cold

[anarchical]

Dear Left In The Cold,

Just coming from a guy bent on taking over the world, believe me, he's just doing what he thinks is right. I'm not saying going on a world take over spree is a normal thing, and that's probably a good thing since too much competition would make world take over kind of counter produtive. He's just thinking what ever one of us is thinking, and that would be that we need an overhaul of ths system--taking the unjust douchewads up top and basically putting them back in their place. It's basically what needs to happen.

But, if you really wanna get this cousin of yours to give up his goals (not sure why you'd want to), sure fire way would to be to stick it to him straight: some other evil villain out there is probably going to beat him to it. It's going to be touch to beat a guy like bad horse on the race to world domination.

And of course there's everyone else in the Evil League of Evil, A.K.A. yours truly: Dr Horrible, and the others.

If he's really worth his stuff, you know, like on the evil scale of evil, he'll probably going to keep going at it, so kudos to him. Heck, I'd even suggest you team up with him if he's an alright guy; try your hand at being a henchman--or woman, we're not sexist on this side of the world-ruling spectrum. Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Dr. Horrible

[temptsfate]

Dear Auntie Lu,

Two of my colleagues seem determined to have a touching reunion. The problem is that we're in the midst of an incredibly dangerous situation and me walking away when things grow awkward is, well, dangerous. I could anyway (and likely will) but I'm wondering if there's another way to deal with this problem.

- Not Liking The Odds

[gives_u_wings]

Dear Not Liking the Odds

Show them who's boss! Better yet, use their distraction to your benefit and escape while they buy you some time. Fortune favors the bold!

-King D

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I don't want the burden of saving the world anymore, but everyone would be so disappointed in me if I give that role up. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Tired of Being the Chosen One

[rampsrexpensive]

Dear "Chosen One"

Who chose you? I don't remember voting! What makes you qualified for this world-saving business anyway?

Sounds like to me you'd be better off going back home and making room for the real heroes to do the dirty work. Don't worry, I'm sure the world would be better off too.

C.J.

[itachi_san]

Dear Chosen One,

I would respectfully disagree with the previous responder. Your mission, your duty to protect those around you and save this world from harm, is not something you can simply give up. Even if it should end in your death, you must accept that your sacrifice will be worth it in the end. The good of the many outweighs the needs of you or I.

Let that thought be enough to keep you going.

-Itachi

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

My current crush isn't what I thought he was. He's helped me out a lot with a very important project, and he seemed like a really great guy when he first saved me, but I'm getting the feeling he isn't as great as he acts.

What should I do? Should I stick with him and see where this goes? I feel it would be rude to dump him, given all he's done to help my project (and I would have been crushed under debris if he hadn't been there) so it makes my decision kind of complicated.

Sincerely,
Lost and Lonely

[overmatch]

Dear Lost,

My advice would be communication. Think about what you want to say. Maybe right it down and hand him the letter in person.

If you talk it out, it might give you both a clear view of how you both might want to handle your relationship as it stands now.


S.L.

[(Anonymous)]

Auntie Lu,

My friend doesn't like to listen to me!

I try to tell him useful things, like the weak spot of bosses and what spirits are saying. But unless I shout his name a lot or ask him to listen he just tunes me out!

What should I do?

- Hey Listen

[constableodo]

Dear 'Hey Listen',

Stop trying.

Odo

hi Navi

[picketywitch]

Dear Hey Listen,

Perhaps your friend is being disrespectful towards your eagerness to help. This is troubling, however not your fault. Your friend will come to realize that your suggestions are necessary eventually. It may take some time and patience.

Sincerely,
Auntie Lu

[edgar_roni]

Dearest Auntie Lu,

What are some suggestions you may have for someone looking to curb their desires?

Regards,
Blondie

P.S. It's not for me.

[lockpick]

[Yeah, sure its not for you.]

Blondie,

I've heard of others achieving success by training under a master and living a life of asceticism. Give it a shot.

- Auntie Lu

[ondoreslies]

Auntie Lu,

Why does everyone believe Ondore's lies?

-Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca

[likeabasch]

"Captain,"

The Marquis did what he thought necessary. To end the ruse prematurely would...


Vaan, the time for your charade has passed.

[Stop that. :|]

Totally anonymous. Really.

[ethereal_earth]

Dear Auntie Lu,

How do you know if you're in love with someone? And how do you find that "special someone"?

- Looking For Love

[rampsrexpensive]

Looking for Love,

The better question is: what is love? The nerds back in the lab tell me it's just a bunch of chemicals triggering in the brain that makes your heart race and your palms sweat. You know what else makes you do that? Good ol' fear! Doesn't sound so great when you put it that way does it? I didn't think so.

-Cave

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

My parents keep asking when I'm going to get married. But I'm only in love with science! What can I do?

- Can't marry it

[rampsrexpensive]

Dear Individual of Impeccable Taste,

Next time your folks ask, remind them that the average marriage costs almost thirty grand, a hefty chunk of that supplied by mom and pop. They might take your engagement to science a little more seriously then.

And who could ask for a better son/daughter in law?

-Bachelor of Science

[scarabvoices]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I have a weird artificial intelligence grafted to my spine that tells me to do bad things. Any advice on how to shut it up?

Thanks,
Machines Really Suck

[inmateincharge]

Dear "Machines Really Suck",

Just do what it says - it works wonders on the voices in my head! At least, for a little while.

-Laughing Man

[sweetigami]

Dear Auntie Lu,

The guy I like is just not interested in me, except as a friend. But there's this creepy fellow who's more than interested in me, if you know what I mean. What should I do? I know it's wrong, but I sort of want to go with the creeper, just so I don't feel so unwanted. Help?

--Torn Between One and a Half Lovers

[scarabvoices]

Hey Torn,

I definitely know the feeling, and I get it. It sucks. But do you really wanna settle for someone who you think is creepy, especially when it sounds like you don't even like 'em that much. Trust me, this situation can only get worse if that's the case. Really, you should cool your jets for a little bit. Who knows? Maybe the creeper will stop being creepy, and you could actually see what he's about. Or even better, maybe the guy you like might surprise you.

Honestly, you should maybe make your intentions toward the one you want a little clearer. If he's still not interested, move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea, and you shouldn't waste your time too long on someone that won't give you the time of day. And like I said above, creepers are never the answer unless they stop being creepy. Besides, going out with him is just going to give him ideas that you shouldn't put in his head if you really don't like him. Creepy or not, he has feelings, too.

--Blue

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Aunt Lu,

My parents can be jerk. They think blackmail is a parenting Yes. How do I counter-act them without coming off as a brat?

Signed,

Blackmailed Heir

[want_a_vacation]

Blackmailed,

I know where you're coming from. I was somewhere similar myself once. Unless the blackmail they have is something life-shattering, my advice is to just stand up to them about it. If they're anything like mine, they won't be happy about it, but do you really want to let someone else run your life like that?

--Left The Race

[scalpedsociety]

Dearest Aunt Lu,

After quite a bit of time being less than virtuous, I've decided to change my ways. The problem is, I suffer from many sorts of disturbing addictions that are hard to quit and someone within me that constantly encourages this behavior.

I have friends and family behind me, I want to not disappoint them.

~Crawling Out of a Pit

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Aunt Lu,

They're in the center and we never know if they're watching when we in our cells. There has to be a way but all the cracks are smoothed over.

Michel Foucault, Discipline and Punish

My nails are split from digging at the . Cannon shakes my bones. I'm climbing up a tower and the bells are ringing. streaming down the mountainside out of the fog, there's so many. I know how to find the sǝɔɐds between the ribs. We were created

-Aliquot Sum One Less Than Itself

[pierrotdemonique]

My, but aren't we eloquent? However, I'm afraid this has nothing to do with seeking advice. Rather I'd find this a cry for help? Do you need help, Aliquot Sum One Less Than Itself? Perhaps you do. I would strongly suggest that you stay in whichever cell you've managed to lock yourself in. Much good may it do you. Certainly more than asking your dear sweet Aunt Lu for a hand out.
But let me leave you with a good word or two:

Madness is something rare in individuals -- but in groups, parties, peoples, ages it is the rule.

-Friedrich Nieztche

Wishing you continue to keep things interesting,
Johann Faust V

[profiteering]

Dear Generic Advice Column,

Say I have a girlfriend. I won't name names so we'll call her Pepper. In my dream she turns into a praying mantis and eats the genitals off of every other man in the city. And say I have this dream once...maybe four times a week.

Is this just some subconscious, admittedly disturbing kink, or should I be watching out?

Concerned in New York

[overmatch]

Dear Concerned,

I'd put some more thought into that dream. Think of it more as worrying retroactively, if you're having that dream that often. Dreams that stressful, and disturbing, don't always mean you need to "watch out".

Reflect on it for a while. Consider recent events in your life that could possibly be putting stress on your relationship with Pepper.

If you can't pin point it, I'd talk with your girlfriend about it. Might clear the air and put your mind at ease.


S.L.

[edducated]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I'm surrounded by idiots! Any advice on how to upgrade my co-worker's brains? How about my enemy's brains? Wreaking havoc is getting to be way too easy!

- E. Nigma

[thesametrick]

Dear Mr. Nigma,

Creating chaos is never difficult. Try fixing it.


-三奇

actually anon but shhhh

[brazenly]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I should probably stop grabbing souvenirs when I'm on a job, huh?

- Ms. Greedy

we're all secretly anon it's ok

[wallets]

Dear Ms. Greedy,

I think that really depends on the souvenir. Some of them are worth it.

- Not Auntie Lu, but close enough

[picketywitch]

Dear Auntie Lu,

My husband's profession constantly brings corpses into our home, thus, as well as their blood. They stain my clean linens and while in small sizes, they may be removed, I have trouble cleaning the larger marks. I require a strong chemical to keep our home stainless.

Sincerely,
Detests Stains

[mostirregular]

Detests Stains,

Cold water and salt. Soak your linens in these for nearly half past an hour then continue washing as normal. The blood stains will come right out.

Sincerely,
Scientific Thinking