bakerstreet | the death meme

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the death meme

the death meme

(CONTENT WARNING. This is a meme about death and may deal with suicide, depression, extreme violence, illnesses, etc.)

This is it. The final curtain. You're at the end of your life, and there's someone here you really, really need to say something to before you die.

CAUSE OF DEATH

1 - Accidental. Nobody meant for this to happen, but it doesn't matter now. Due to negligence, arrogance or just plain bad luck, you've become gravely ill or injured and are now in your last moments. This covers all kinds of accidental deaths--strangulation, drowning, car accidents, unintentional beheadings, whatever you can think of.

2 - Murder. Somebody really didn't like you. Enough to kill you, it seems. You're now dead by someone else's hand. (Maybe even the person replying to you?) As with accidental death, this covers all types of intentional, malicious murder, regardless of method--so poisoning, stabbing, shooting, etc., all work here. Same with all the below options: any possible variation you can think of on it will work!

3 - Suicide. There is no hope for you, and no way out. You've reached the absolute bottom pits of despair, and the only recourse you have is to take your own life. Someone shows up to stop you... but they're too late to help you now.

4 - Terminal illness. You have cancer, or tuberculosis, or cholera back when people got cholera. The doctors have done everything they could and it wasn't enough. The only thing to do now is give your loved ones the bad news.

5 - Starvation. So thirsty. So hungry. Maybe you've been traveling in the desert for hours, or maybe you're just really poor. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, because you're slowly wasting away until you're nothing but skin and bones.

6 - Death in battle. You've died a hero's death, and gone out in a blaze of glory. Or maybe you were a coward who got shot for deserting? Either way, you're now a casualty of war. Will you be honored with a parade or scorned as a traitor to your country?

7 - Natural causes. You've lived a long, happy life, and now your story is at an end. In a warm bed, surrounded by your family and friends, you peacefully drift off. Just make sure that you've made a will somewhere, or at least use your deathbed to set the record straight. Otherwise, who knows what kind of squabbles might errupt after you leave this world?

TIME LEFT

1 - A few minutes. You're fading fast and you don't have much, well, any time left. Better tell the person with you that you love -- or despise -- them with your last breath, because you'll never have the chance otherwise.

2 - A few hours. You haven't got much time left. Is there someone you still need to kill? To kiss? Better do it quick. (Note: last kisses not recommended for people dying of highly contagious illnesses.)

3 - A few days. The doctors have given you the news, and it's not very good. You've only got a couple days left to live. You should start trying to make peace with people and saying your final goodbyes with the days you have left.

4 - A few weeks. Take that vacation you've always wanted to go on but never had the chance to. Go do that thing you've never thought you'd be any good at. You've got only weeks left to live. Don't waste them.

5 - A few months. While you aren't quite on death's doorstep yet, your lifespan has still dwindled considerably from what you probably thought it would be. How are you going to spend your last few months on Earth? Making the world a better place and telling your family you love them? Or raising as much hell as possible?

RELATIONSHIP

1 - Lovers. This is your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress, whatever you call them they were the person you wanted to spend your life with. Too bad you don't have much of a life to spend with them anymore.

2 - Siblings. Your beloved little or older sibling is just standing there, watching you slowly waste away before their eyes. Can you say anything to comfort them? Note that it doesn't necessarily have to be interpreted literally; adopted siblings and friends so close they might as well be siblings work too.

3 - Parent and child. Nothing is worse than a parent having to bury their child... except, maybe, a young child now alone in the world after losing their parent. As with the sibling prompt, this can be expanded to include parental figures and people who are LIKE a father/mother to you as well as actual biological parents.

4 - Co-workers, teammates or classmates. You were fighting for the same side. Or you worked together in the same office for years. Or they sat behind you in biology all semester. However you met, how do your react when you find out someone who used to be a fixture in your life is going to die?

5 - Friends. You're the best of friends! You go everywhere together, know all each other's secrets, and are never seen apart. At least, you didn't use to be. Now one of you is dying and the other one is left alone in the world. Or maybe you're dying together. Wait, is that better or worse?

6 - Bitter enemies. You hate, hate, HATE this person. In fact, maybe you killed them. Or they killed you. Or maybe nobody killed anybody and they're just bitter that Mother Nature got to you before they did. Regardless, they want to confront you one last time before you bite it, if only to rub your nose in your imminent demise and their ability to outlive you.

HOW IT WORKS:
1. Post your character and preference
2. Respond to others.
3. Tell the person what you need to tell them before you bite it.
4. Have fun!

old af credit here

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All of the possibilities whirled around in his head. Everything from possibly finally running the man off to maybe space finally cracked him. His 'genius' brain worked through every line of thought thinking of anything and everything he can to keep the doctor from abandoning the Enterprise... and though he refused to think it, abandoning him as well.

Selfish. He felt utterly and completely selfish in the very damning sense of the word as Leonard said he was sick. Widened blue eyes turned to look at the elder utterly shocked and perplexed by what the other man was saying. Sick? It felt like a punch to the gut to hear it was bad, but he jerked with the impact of that one word. Three syllables. And the PADD hit the floor with a sharp clatter.

It felt like forgetting how to breathe. Staring down Leonard's arm and into his face, he hated himself for not seeing things sooner. For playing off the dark circles for lack of sleep or working too hard... or thinking he was simply stressed with the high impact life of living the life of Starfleet. And for all his observations, it never crossed his mind it could possibly be something... like this.

"Terminal?" He felt dumb stumbling over that word. He felt sick as the couple of weeks hit him. "There's..." He wanted to ask about a cure, but this was McCoy. The best doctor in Starfleet. Looking down to the sofa between them, it felt like the floor might open up under him at any moment. Swallow him up and throw him into the black like he should have been countless times in the past where this man helped him survive the impossible. Now... what?

What could he do?

Reaching up, he slowly curled shaking fingers around the elder's wrist and turned to face him. Curling one leg under him, Jim gently squeezed his wrist. "I'm going with you." It was impulsive. Sharp and ridiculous. But Starfleet owed him. It owed Bones for all they both gave and bled for them. If Bones wanted to go back to earth, he sure as hell wasn't going to go alone. Cause he knew Leonard would do the same for him.

"No cure. Coupla treatment options to keep me comfortable, but..." Medically speaking? Fuck and all that can be done. It ain't even the same thing that laid his father low, something else, something genetic and for a visceral moment he thinks Oh god, Joanna before he lets it curl in tight. Everything he'd ever been afraid of- radiation, the vacuum of space, the transporter, aliens- and it's his own body that's killing him. What kinda cosmic joke is that?

He tries to keep a strong front up. Tries to hold it for Jim when the legs get cut from under him and he knows this ain't easy. Leonard knows loss is written into Jim's bones as much as medicine's written into his blood. But that don't make something like this easier.

A sudden shock, a clean cut? That's easier to mend. Something like this that hooks in deep and drags the whole process out... he's not gonna be so much of an idiot to say he'd rather have it over. This is how he'd wanna go, honestly. With time to get his affairs in order. Time to see his family. Time to rest in Georgia like he thought he would as an old man. Sure, he's older now but...he thought he'd have more time. "Jim..."

It's easy to tug him in, butt their shoulders together. The casual half embrace of those that spent far too much time in each other's back pockets. That knew each other's secrets. "Jim you can't just resign cuz I'm dy'n. You got your ship. You got your crew. You got the mission- it's everything you worked for. You're not throw'n that away just cuz my clock's wind'n down a little early."

A lot early. It isn't fair.

It isn't fair.

But one of them has to be responsible. One of them has to be the grown up and that's always fallen to him. It's no trouble to do it now.

No cure. Closing his eyes a moment, he felt like something was playing with his insides and leaving him to bleed out. Where he had friends now. Ones he relied on... this was Bones. His first friend. The one that mattered the most in a lot of ways. More ways than he cared to talk about. It was just easier to always think his best friend, the one who mattered the most would just.. be there.

The thought that he would soon not be there at all... it felt like every other time he lost people he loved. His dad, his mom when she kept leaving, his brother when he ran away... and then even his cousins and family on Tarsus IV. And he suddenly felt... angry that he was always the one that lived through it.

Not now. He couldn't feel sorry for himself, not right now.

With the tug, he moved, pulling the elder to him and wrapping him up in his arms. Why not? Why did Bones always have to be the adult between them when he had all the reasons in the universe to be upset with the hand he'd been dealt. One hand moved to brace the back of the doctor's head and just... hang on to him.

He tried to make his voice work. Sound like he can be the strong one even though he knows he'll be one of the ones left behind. "Never said I was resigning, Bones. But I can take an extended leave. You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you go off alone like this." Starfleet would let him go. They'd tried many times to get him to take leave before. He tried to smile, but it hurt.

He wanted to ask him if Bones didn't want him there... that he wanted Jim to stay away. But that deeper fear he had ingrained in him that the elder might confirm that kept him from asking. "If they agree... let me go with you?" Pulling back, he let his forehead rest against the other man's, hope nearly palpable in his eyes. "Please?"

Extended leave- God knows Jim's got the time saved up, that they've worked at a breakneck pace to make up for every ship they'd lost to Nero. To restore all the faith they lost on account of Marcus. It's exhausting in so many ways to look back at all their peers that never made it this far.

Best and the brightest winked out too soon.

Maybe that shoulda been some kinda omen. He's tried to keep 'em going. Tried to invent, to innovate, to build up as much as possible because he'd had to. Thrown to the deep end faster than anyone expected. The whole damn crew was. And they'd pulled together cuz of Jim. Could they spare him for that long, though?

It wouldn't be too long. A month. Maybe two. He could call in if they needed him.

Somewhere amid his mind running along options he realities his eyes are damp and he hasn't even given an answer. "Sure, Jim. You know you're always welcome in Georgia."

Say goodbye to Joyce, to Jo. To his mother. Settle in at the old homestead and try to think of it as a vacation. "Just- pick a damn good CMO to keep up with you, alright? You gotta promise me that."

If Starfleet told him no, he would resign. But the chances were slim after all they had done. And somethings in life were more important than a love of stars. Sometimes those dreams felt... too empty if the people you needed with you weren't there. Besides, sitting in the Captain's chair and thinking about Leonard dying back home with only his mom there was too much. How would she feel? Because god knew if his ex-wife would let Jo be there for that.

Letting out a long breath when the elder gave in, he nudged him softly. "Turn around. Lean back. You look tired and I can still do paperwork." He said it with such certainty it may have passed as a command. But in reality, he was just trying to be the one to take care of the brunette instead of always being taken care of... "And stop talking about finding your replacement." Huffing a little, he snatched up his PADD before moving so they both could recline on the sofa easily.

"We both know the only reason I asked you to be CMO was for your good looks. It certainly wasn't your bedside manner. I think I have scars from your insane love of jabbing me with a hypospray." He tried to tease him, make this moment a little less painful for the both of them... not that he could ever truly succeed in that. But going back to earth got him thinking... thinking that maybe there were chances that they could do the impossible just like Bones did for him. But he'd worry about that later. Not when he was here and Leonard looked like all of his hope was being emptied out of him.

"Bossy." It's strained, an attempt at humor. Jim's trying, he can do his damndest to keep up. All the things he needs to do, tell the crew, tell Christine, get them ready for a neat transfer, deal with the Brass-

If they wanna stick him in a lab and have him work for he last few weeks of his life they got another think coming. There's no miracle he can pull out of his ass for this. No serum, no superblood. Just his own plain damn human red cells choking him out. Strangling him with a steady hand. It's easier to not think about it- to turn as he's told and lean back against Jim. Let him carry the weight like back in the Academy when one or the other would drink and study, rattle off the names of stars or aliens they might meet. Go on wild tangents of shit they'd do, places they'd see.

Him grumbling the whole damn time that his feet belonged on the ground.

"M'Benga can handle it." If New Vulcan can spare him. "He's the only one that'll be able to keep you from do'n something stupid. I also told him how to get you to come in for your physicals."

Namely hunt his fool ass down and make him do them. Between M'Benga and Christine? Jim'll be taken care of. They'll keep him safe.

Spock, too, but that's for tomorrow. The whole crew and them- he'll talk to them tomorrow. Tonight is for curling here on this sofa and pretending it doesn't ache to his very bones, knowing he'll never see Jim go grey. Knowing he won't get to walk his little girl down the aisle or terrorize her boyfriends. "...You gotta look out for Jo, alright?"

"You love it." He chimed back easily, but his voice was a little rough. He shifted to set his PADD on Bones' chest for a moment and curled one leg up to bracket the other man leaning against him and keep him seated safely. Maybe he was being overprotective, but he didn't care.

A line formed in his brow at that line of talk that Bones was on, but he said nothing. Instead, the hand not loosely holding the PADD shifted up to lightly play with the dark hair and smooth it out of the doctor's face. "If you think he's best, then that's who I'll pick." He could at least humor him. And he did trust him, but it didn't make his eyes stop burning or halt the thankfulness that Bones couldn't see the watery haze that misted over blue irises.

Lightly trailing his nails over Leonard's scalp he tried not to tense at the request about his daughter. Closing his eyes, he knew that feeling running down his cheek was not his imagination. Still he tried to put his best foot forward as he answered. "I can't say I won't drop your ex off into deep space when she annoys me, but I swear I will be an annoying uncle that chases off the unworthy and tells her she shouldn't ever look twice at guys like me." Still, the attempts at humor were flatter than normal, but he still tried. Anything not to let Bones sink too deep just yet.

The PADD slipped from his fingers and slipped down to the elder's stomach as he curled his arm about his chest and hugged him. Where it wasn't with the strength that he wanted to, he also refused to treat the elder like he would break. He had a feeling Bones would hate that right now. "Hey Bones... this wasn't... because of all the hell I've put you through, is it? Some side effect of space?" Near death experiences... So many things he'd put the other man through and now he felt awful for forcing anyone through what they'd been through.

"Sometimes." He admits. Cuz what the hell is the point of keep'n quiet over that shit now? Everything they've been through, everything they do and don't say, their own little language of significant looks, light touches, and pregnant pauses. Too much left unsaid. If Jim comes with him-

Everything that needs saying, he'll say. He owes Jim that much. This brilliant, beautiful asshole that dragged him out to the worst horizons of space with a gleeful smile. Kinda like hook'n himself to a comet. He always figured it'd be Jim that burnt out (and he'd been right, and he'd fought it, and look where they are now?). Always figured he'd be the one sitt'n on the porch alone, pouring a finger of whiskey for himself and pouring one out for James Tiberius 'Fuck no win scenarios' Kirk. Can't say this is how he thought things would go. Can't say he isn't glad Jim's coming along.

"Good. She'll need-" A positive role model, but he can't get that out with a straight face. The low crackling laughter that's often so slow to come shatters through this stiff, semi-formal bullshit of denial he's got shored up around him. His hands come up to curl around Jim's arm and squeeze. He'd brought him back. He'd brought him back and this must be the price. A life for a life. It's all superstitious hoodoo but the thought lingers as he twists enough to muffle his laughter in Jim's shoulder before it becomes something like a sob. "She'll need you. Good or ill."

Cuz he won't be there.

The question makes him blink past the damp, makes him twist and lean till he can look Jim in the eye- all that guilt. All that weight he carries around and- "No, Jim. It's genetic. Ain't your fault."

Every stone the kid carries around his throat while walking tall- he sure as shit won't be one of them. "This was baked in before I ever set a foot off planet."

He huffed a laugh at that, caught utterly by surprise. Smiling a little more, he turned his head and brushed his lips into his hair. "I knew it." He didn't, but he liked to sound as cocky as possible. If only because he felt like he had no control over anything in this moment. And Bones admitting even that?

It brought up the different parts of him he kept stamped down. The thoughts, the looks and the decisions that keeping your best friend was paramount to any other feelings. He just never thought it would happen. But then, he never thought he'd be told he had only a few weeks left with the most important part of his life. How the fuck was he going to pull through this one?

For a moment he wanted to laugh and cry and admit that Leonard Horatio McCoy was his no-win scenario.

His hold on the elder tightened just a little when he felt that hand on his arm and the stressed laughter mixed in with what he knew was a sob. It stabbed him straight through the chest, but he waited. Held his breath so he wouldn't sniff or let on that he'd already long started crying. Breathing in deeply, he rolled his eyes to catch some of that strained humor back. "Well, I would have been a good role model, but the only one that could have made me honest wasn't interested. Guess that means I will forever be the poor role model."

And maybe he finally did give up and sniff. Maybe his eyes were a little too blue from the layer of tears he was trying not to let fall. And when Bones turned to look at him he wanted desperately to turn his head away and deny that he might come undone over this. That in the end, he finally found something he couldn't beat.

No matter the reassurance, a few more tears betrayed him. The traitors fell from unblinking eyes as he moved his hand to softly sweep his thumb over the elder's cheek and remove any hint of tears having stained them as well. And for the first time since Khan... he wished to god, Bones' never brought him back. "You know... I always worked damn hard to stay in one piece so you wouldn't look so upset when I came back from the worst. Cause god... I have disappointed a universe worth of people, but I hated seeing you look disappointed in me."

"What kinda fool looked at you and had the good sense to not get tangled up? I oughta shake their hand. Then shake 'em till the common sense falls out and they make an honest man of you." Send him to his grave with some peace of mind, knowing that Jim would be taken care of. That he'd be loved in a way that he craves but never really talks about. Leonard carves out so much of himself to hand over but there's only so much he can give without losing his objectivity.

Of course he says that, he thinks that, the wall a comfortable one that got shattered when Jim crawled into the damn warp core. Just friends.

Just best, beloved friends that can't rightly think of what they'd do without each other. There's no reaching past this and pulling him out. No glaring down death to demand that the greedy got that claimed him give him back. There are no miracles for Leonard McCoy. But knowing that someone out there might be able to take Jim's fragile heart in hand and care for it like it needs? It'd make his passing a little easier. Make going to the end of his days more bearable. Jojo will have Joyce and his mother and Jim, the Crew will have each other. Jim'll have the Crew but- he needs someone to have him just as himself.

To love him selfishly. To put him first since God knows he doesn't always do that on his own.

If he were less a coward- Leonard might've. If it weren't for this goddamn thickness in his veins, this clock winding down- he'd say it. But that'd be cruel. He's already leaving. He can't lay that at Jim's feet. Won't. "I wasn't disappointed, Jim. I was angry, and not always at you. At Starfleet for throw'n us into the deep end after Nero. At the universe for getting it's kicks putting you in danger. At myself for not always be'n quick enough to make sure you didn't bleed. At you for be'n a dumbass."

The last comes with a twist of a hand, one that lines up his fingers with Jim's. "But I can't think of a single time you've ever disappointed me."

Jim had to laugh. For a moment, he unwrapped his arm from around the elder to wipe off his face and rub at his eyes. Just... pull together some sense of order so he didn't sit there and wibble at the man all night. That wasn't fair to Bones. "I almost... almost want to see you do that to him." He let the pronoun slide out, fully aware that he never really looked at men before. None really caught his attention and to be honest, there was a sort of urgency in his life to always have some sort of sense of control.

Men were a red zone for that. A prickling fear and caution... one he never felt even when Leonard threatened to throw up on him the moment he sat down next to him all those years ago. Not enough years now that he thought about it. He weighed his options, looked to the side and bit into his lower lip. Jim wanted to tell him. The fear of alienating his best friend seemed so small right now. Now that he knew Bones wouldn't...

"Fuck.." He let the word come out on a whisper and the tears he'd forcefully wiped away were coming back.

Especially after a damned heart felt speech like that. Jim Kirk hated crying. And more than anything else, he hated that he was crying right now. Turning his hand over on impulse, he threaded his fingers through Bones' and squeezed it softly. When he finally let the breath out he'd been holding, it came out with a shudder of pain and a soft hiccup he would forever refuse to acknowledge left his body.

Looking away for a moment, he closed his eyes and focused on breathing. When he felt like maybe he could talk again, he drew his eyes to the elder and tried to keep his words light. "Well... remind me later to go grab a mirror. I don't know how you'll shake hands... but I'd love to see you shake the mirror. It might give me a good laugh." And something about saying that made a small hint of a smile pull at the corner of his lips.

"It's nice... you know... to know you never disappointed the one that mattered." Somehow, beyond all reason, those words came out even and strong. Because he meant them utterly.

"Not now, kid, I got a headache." An old pointless joke that belongs in the whiskey hours between a bar's closing and when they actually finished drunking. Stumbling and half awake and too damn tangled up in one another to actually do anything. The bone deep comfort of another warm body slotted alongside, hands in hair, noses mashed against throats and shoulders. The strained puppy snores of a kid too damn young to know as much grief as he does and the droning buzz of whatever the hell he sounded like when he was out cold. Jim often said bear.

It doesn't fit here, that slice of their shared youth. Not that long ago. Too soon, it's all too soon and he wants to hang on to every manic moment he's got left, even if he can't take another round of adventure. He wants something easy and lazy. Wants Jim in the sunshine taking his time to actually rest. To soak it in. To enjoy the planet he's saved twice, shit, three times now. God knows he's earned it.

Both of them crying and trying not to own up to it when they both know better. He hears that little hiccup and, christ, he's gotta try to sit up to pull the kid in. Try to make this better, make it easier when he goes and says.

That.

"...What?" Has he been that kind of a blind fool for this goddamn long? Could he have been so wrapped up in keeping Jim safe, in trying to find someone else for Jim that he actually approved of that he never thought to fork over that last shred of his raggedy heart? He's stunned for a moment, swallowing around air before he pulls away entirely. Shoves himself to his feet and wanders to the sideboard where he knows there's some Surian brandy leftover. Mechanical and habitual, how he pours them both out a finger. Carries them back and offers Jim his before flopping back down on the sofa. "We."

He starts quietly, toasting the universe. "Are a coupla fucking morons."

Something inside felt like it was sinking the moment Bones said that one word... then proceeded to get up. Jim's eyes widened a little as he nearly recanted his decision to be honest. Maybe there was a lot to lose and he should have just let it burn inside until it was too late.

Lips parted to say something, but nothing came out. Soon his mouth closed and he moved like a lost child to pick up the PADD that had long fell to the floor to turn it off. Just something to do with his hands while he felt like a complete moron. Tossing it onto the side table, he suddenly felt the other move closer again and looked up with likely the best puppy eyes he's ever managed for the elder.

Taking the cup carefully, his eyes went a bit wider at that last add on. Furrowing his brow finally, he tipped his head to look at Bones in slight confusion. Confusion that melted into resignation and soon he was curling his knees to his chest and drinking it all in one go. "I'm sorry for dumping that on you. Kind of shitty of me."

He turned and tilted the glass in front of his eyes, angling them in just a way that it would be harder for any more tears to form, or rather, fall. He's not going to cry over this. He knew not to expect anything in return anyway. He just didn't think it would upset Bones enough to completely pull away. "You know I won't do anything. Right? Just... didn't want to leave it forever unsaid." God, he just hoped Leonard didn't shove him away entirely and refuse his coming along to Georgia.

"See here, I wasn't gonna say anything. Cuz I'm dy'n." The more he says it the less real it feels. Hello, how are you, oh I'm dying, that's nice, how's the weather? It's tripped from a great yawning inevitability into something surreal in less than an hour and honestly? He will take surreal. It's less depressing. "And cuz I never saw you get all knotted up over a guy. Figured you were straight as straight got."

Leonard himself always has been and ever shall be to the end of his days, which he can see from where he's sitting, a contented bisexual. Or. Pan if you count those Andorians in medschool. Didn't come up cuz of Joyce curb stomp'n his heart in a bad way, wrecking what little confidence he'd had in himself there. As a doctor? He's the best, he knows it. Surgeon? Shit yea. Boxer? He can handle himself. Equestrian? Shit, son, he grew up riding. Lover?

...he'll take a raincheck.

Not that there hasn't been the odd lovely lady to catch his eye, the odd backseat fumble on Risa when Jim fucked off with whoever he'd caught for the moment or was busy with work. It wasn't much, it wasn't love but- it was enough. Here he is, shoulder to shoulder with who might be the love of his goddamn life, a deadline on said life, hearing it may just have been reciprocated. "So yeah, Jimmy. The feeling's mutual. And I'm an idiot."

Wasted years. So many goddamn wasted years. He's more careful in the sipping, cradling his glass with one hand, the other arm looping casually around Jim's shoulders to tug him back in.

He winced just a little at that declaration. At least Bones seemed a little less upset saying it, so he didn't tell him to stop with making it sound so conversational. At least the elder drew his mind away from the 'dying' thing with that last comment. Jim had to snort a soft self-deprecating laugh. "I'm not blind, I know when I guy is hot. Just... had enough people dominate over me."

It felt uncomfortable admitting that. If anyone got it, Bones would. The only person he did share the darker parts of his life with. "Kinda knew you were it for me when even that never occurred to me in the beginning." The sheer amount of trust tipped him off first. Then the transition into being in the man's personal space and letting and wanting him to touch him. Everything made in blindingly obvious in the first years of their friendship that he was completely gone for the man.

And utterly screwed in his mind. His track record with women and hate of commitment won him no medals of honor as a prospect in romance. But by the time he got the Enterprise, his liaisons became less and less. He'd found just having Bones follow him into goddamn space made him happier than any casual night with a hot girl ever could.

A small smile pulled at his lips. "After all, you're the only doctor, man or woman, I let manhandle me." He tipped the glass at the brunette as he leaned into his side with that pull. "You're not an idiot. I kinda messed all that up in the beginning." Because it would be hard for anyone to think a... well.. someone like him could be serious about anything.

Tipping his head up, his nose brushed the underside of Leonard's jaw softly. His eyes closed slowly, just taking his time to breathe the other in, his proximity and the feel of his body heat. Things he didn't want to forget... Even when he'd thought about staying in Yorktown, he'd meant to ask Bones to stay with him. But this... he couldn't ask that now. "I know it's asking a lot... But, would you do me the honor of giving me the rest of your life..?" He ducked his head with a hoarse low chuckled as his forehead came to rest against Bones' jaw. "And mine." Because he knew damn well, whether the elder was there or not, he wasn't going to get over this.

"It ain't about dominating, kid. It's a partnership." As much give and take as they could swing and as much as he'd carved out every sacred piece of himself to hand over- so too has Jim hit him with driveby revelations. Bombs dropped between classes, in moments between awareness and drunken unconsciousness, moments when there wasn't time to sit and damn well talk it out. It worked, more or less. They've grown past it, past Leonard's surly walls and fighting to relinquish even a single detail, past Jim's flighty uncertainty. The whole goddamn universe is strange and wild and uncertain.

They are for each other a lifeline. A fixed point in the middle of the chaos. Why else would he have been unable to let the kid go?

"If you weren't so damn squirmy and such an infant no doctor would have to manhandle you." Sit still do as he's told- it ain't Jim's way. Leonard's learned to work around it. "Noth'n to mess up. You had your goals, I had mine. We fell in while fall'n. Who the fuck knew?"

Nyota, probably, with her significant glances. With her liquid eyes when he'd first thrown himself into saving Kirk. All that pity. He'd never wanted it, never needed it. Now? Now he couldn't bear it. Better to have this, the warmest, most vibrant, alive thing in his world curled close and asking so sweetly in a voice that breaks what's left of his heart. He can't manage the words for a response. Can't force them past the knot in his throat. Just tugs Jim that much closer, twists his father's ring off his pinky and tugs Jim's hand to his chest. Slips it on his ringfinger (it would fit there, wouldn't it?). It ain't a ceremony.

It ain't a promise.

But it'll have to be enough.

"I figured that out... just... not soon enough." Or he did in a way. Because with Leonard, he always felt equal. Like they would always catch each other... always be there to break the fall and pick each other up. He would give himself to the doctor without a second thought. Hell, he would have back at the Academy if Bones ever asked.

Little late now.

"I am not... squirmy... I just like my space. And less... restraining. Seen enough of medical." From his later childhood to his teenage years. Enough disapproving looks from his mother and lack of concern to make the trips not worth the effort. On the other hand, he may have been impossible for Leonard at times, but in the end he let him patch him up where he evaded all other doctors. "Admit it.. I was getting nicer and less stubborn."

Smiling to himself at the colorful way the other described how they came to this point, he huffed a soft sound. Yeah. Even if he couldn't follow it completely, that fit really well in their strange twisted lives.

What he hadn't expected, what he never dreamed of, was having his hand captured and suddenly a ring being pushed on. His eyes opened up to look down at his hand on the elder's chest and he had to blink at the image owlishly. At first, the dumbfounded side of his brain wondered at how it fit... even went so far as to note that, sure, his fingers were a bit long and thinner than Bones'... but then those inane thoughts bled out to focus on the main point.

It was like being married.

Shifting his fingers, his thumb ran over the ring slowly, his eyes locked on the sight for a few more heartbeats before he moved. An impulsive move that could only be a Jim Kirk action. His hand lifted, cupping the side of Leonard's face and tilted his head just enough that he could press a soft kiss to the corner of the doctor's lips.

Where Jim never would have turned down a physical relationship with Bones... that wasn't what he necessarily needed or wanted from him. No matter the attraction, what he always needed most was the closeness. The emotional dependency and utter adoration he couldn't quite explain always overwhelmed him. And even an indirect kiss felt a lot like finding his way home... and it nearly broke his heart.

How the hell... was he going to live without him?

"I think it's safe to say we both took hav'n more time for granted." Jim maybe less so after Khan. After the heartache and research and the long hours where Leonard damn near killed himself to try and get him back. Sure he stood tall against all threats that came at him but- he was never so careless. Never so arrogant. Never too luck as a given. Maybe took hav'n his Crew to back him up as a given but-

M'Benga can keep up. He'll do right by Jim. Keep him alive, keep him flying. It's all that he can focus on right now, that and the odd lightness around his hand. Long as he's known Jim he's worn that ring. His father's ring,and TJ's before it was David's before it was Leonard's. Now? It's Jim's. He can't think of a man better suited to it. "I'd say you deserve a proper ceremony if I'm gonna make an honest man outta ya-"

is as far as he gets before there's lips and even though they've never, even though there's been nothing but the odd daydream and tamped down thought he tilts his face to close the distance as though they've been doing this for years. Changes the angle enough for chapped lips to meet plush, for stubble to rub up against stubble and the sweetness of the brandy to linger along with the burn. He don't need much. He don't need anything but this. Knowing Jim'll be here for him, that Jim'll help walk him out the door. He can't ask more of him.

Wouldn't mind it, but-

Threading his fingers through his hair is enough. Tugging him as close as he can manage, pressing a chaste, close lipped kiss to his cheek, his temple, the top of his head and pulling him in tight like he can crawl into his skin and never leave- that's enough. There could be more, he's still capable, it doesn't hurt but-knowing he's got this comet leashed even for a moment. It's enough. And he won't be so much a coward as to not put it to words. Jim deserves better than that and they've wasted so much time already. "Love you, Darl'n."

"You know." After the kiss, he had to grin. Had to drive in that remarkably resilient humor that came with the idea of Bones actually considering marrying him. "Spock could totally officiate it." If only because Spock might break something thinking about it and the fact that hyphenating his name even on paper might feel like he's keeping some sacred part of Leonard with him.

Then there is more... more kisses and the undeniable gravity like pull that Bones has on him. Each kiss burns so pleasantly against his skin he knew it would be a struggle just to breathe in that moment. It felt dizzying and amazing all at once.

Only to be topped off with that one phrase he honest to god never thought he'd hear from anyone much less the person he actually felt the same way about. Breathing in shakily, he suddenly moved, taking the glasses and putting them on the end table, his whole body shifted so one knee could press into the sofa of either side of Bones' hips. He didn't let himself think about it, he just moved.

Both his hands cupped the elder's face and tipped it up to look at him and hold his gaze as he leaned in closer. "Love you, too, Bones." It sounded broken, soft and almost more a breath than actual words, but he'd be damned if he didn't say it to him after all of this... when he knew the reality that one day he wouldn't be able to say it to him.

And like a promise, he sealed it with a kiss. Not rushed or rough like he was used to... but slower, passionate and loaded with all the emotions he just didn't know how to put into words and likely never would. All he knew was he wanted to kiss him. And he didn't want it to end too soon, but he didn't want to push too hard. Jim savored the taste of the other man mixed with the alcohol and hoped against hope the other liked this feeling as much as he did. Because he wanted to steal as many kisses as he could manage before he had to let the man go.

"The look on his face-" It might make up for the glowering, the pity, the absolute clusterfuck of emotion he'll have to deal with when it comes to the second bomb he needs to drop. Much as he don't sow it, Spock doesn't take loss all that well either. His grief is quieter, calmer- but the Vulcan's become a friend. He can't imagine him taking it well, all joking aside. The idea of explaining seems so goddamn exhausting and he feels too heavy to move in that moment.

Then Jim does what he always does. Moves on intuition and instinct, shifts in accordance with the unspoken moods of Leonard to pull him out of the funk not yet settled. Swings his way into his lap like he belongs there (he does) and kisses him like he's saying goodbye (he is). Easy as anything to settle a hand on Jim's hip, to let the other slide up to cradle his jaw. Breathe him in and blink in the minuscule distance between them. Weeks.

He's got weeks left. It ain't fair to Jim.

Should've said something sooner. He'll be kicking himself till his last goddamn hour that he never spoke up- but for now? There are those three words and that name that gave him a new identity, a new life. A new place in a world he didn't rightly understand having run so far from Georgia and grief and loss, right into the arms of chaos and academic challenge. Seeing as he tripped head over ass right into Jim Kirk? He can't say he minds. Even if it's ending soon.

Leonard leans into the kiss, slow and burning and vulnerable, every missed moment, every hour when he'd thought 'maybe', every second of grief when Jim had been in the tube cut loose and poured into it. This is him. This is them. This is their fragile, fucked up existence and it figures they only get their shit together now. Forehead to forehead when he pulls back, he murmurs. "We can do it tomorrow if you really want. First thing. Quick and quiet, just the command crew. God knows it'll make leav'n you shit in my will easier."

Grinning all the more, he liked that Bones actually gave way to the idea. It meant that just maybe he could convince the elder into this. He didn't really quite understand why he wanted it so much, but he did. He wanted that connection. He wanted to show Leonard just how serious he was about him. It wasn't a passing feeling or a random attraction. It was everything to him.

Which made it easier for him to move forward and to invade the last shreds of personal space and kiss him like that. And also why when it finally had to end, he couldn't help but smile in spite of himself. The feeling of the elder's hand on his face and hip made him utterly aware of just how close they were... how right it felt to be this close. Smoothing his thumbs over the other man's cheeks, he gave him a true and beautiful smile before he kissed him again quick and soft.

"Why yes, Doctor McCoy, I will marry you." He teased softly, but meant every word. But then, he had to tease at the utterly unconventional way that the other man 'proposed'. And where that last tag on hurt, his eyes softened and the wattage dimmed only a little, His fingers rose to softly trace the line of the elder's lips as he hummed a soft sound. "You realize... the only things I want from you are intangible." Not that he would not take whatever the other left him... but still.. "Kinda like the idea of your name the most."

Shifting his hands, he ran one set of finger slowly through the dark hair and let his thumb slip over the shell of his ear. "And the fact you'll just have to move in with me afterward." He nodded sagely, as though it made all the sense in the world... then gave him the less sure smile and puppy eyes of pleading. "You will won't you?" Because he wanted more than anything to be with him every moment he can. "Or is that too much togetherness for you? I know I make you a little crazy sometimes..." A point that used to amuse him.. now he was worried.

So. Today's not entirely terrible. There's still the inevitable looming, still that countdown clicking in the back of his mind. But if he gets to spend the last few weeks of his life with someone that loves him, if he gets to show Jim all of what he adores in Georgia, gets to live like he'd wanted and might've tried for were he less jaded and bitter when they'd met? It can't be all terrible. One thing he knows for certain-

He'll live through till he can't anymore. No way in hell he's putt'n his blood on Jim's hands the way his father did to him. It'll hurt, he knows that. It'll drag on and he'll be less and less himself but-

He can't do that to Jim. Not when so many other people put that kinda choice in his hands daily and expect him to walk away shining just as bright as he went in. It weighs on a soul, ending a life for whatever reason. Leonard won't put that on him. "I know. But I'm leav'n you the house anyway. And my jacket. And my liquor collection, the whole damn thing. Might as well go to someone that'll appreciate it."

A little of everything they've run into available in varying degrees of legality- his booze stash is something of a myth in the halls of the Enterprise. Only a handful know how extensive it is. Jim? Is one of the lucky few. "James Tiberius Kirk-McCoy. S'gotta nice ring to it. Real classy. And sure, Darl'n, that ain't even a question."

Some might call it moving quick but Leonard? Would gesture back to the years of living out of each other's back pockets, the closeness forged through trials and tribulations- then gesture forward to how precious little time they've got left. Spending all of it with Jim is an exciting prospect. Waking up with him, falling asleep with him- 'course the idea of him having to deal with the side effects of this particular disease do make him grimace a bit. "I sleep pretty deep, now. It'll take a bit of shak'n to wake me up. Also don't panic if I get a nosebleed, that's normal. Just- Trust me when I say I'm do'n alright and don't wind yourself up too much, awright? It's-"

It isn't gonna be okay. He can't say that, that'd be ly'n. "It's to be expected. I'm actually do'n better than most at this point in the disease's progression."

Both brows rose slightly at the idea of getting the house. A slight furrow marred the smooth skin of his brow as he contemplated the weight of that. He had no hope really of inheriting from his own family, but Jim never cared about that. In fact, Iowa stayed so far back in the rear view that it likely would never be seen again.

Idly shifting, he curled his fingers in the soft brown hair as he moved it softly into it's place only to mess it up again and brush it back into place. Jim liked the feel of it sliding through his fingers and it kept him from thinking too sharply on the reality he needed to face far too soon. Maybe he just needed something to keep him from paying too much attention to Bones talking about things he'd get after death. Closing his eyes, he leaned in to that press of forehead. "Okay." If Leonard wanted those things, he'd make it happen.

A huff escaped him along with the return of his smile at the sound of his name with the addition. Lifting his head, he tipped his head and kissed Bones' forehead sweetly. "Does sound classy, doesn't it." Even if the universe still called him Kirk... "Not too ostentatious right? I mean, can't be worse than throwing Tiberius around, right?" Slipping his hands down the back of Leonard's neck, he felt some of the knots of worry ease with that quick answer that didn't seem to need a moment of thought. "Good. You can grouse and grumble at me as I move your stuff."

Winking at the other, he caught one of his hands and slipped his fingers over his palm before pulling it closer to drop a kiss there in the wake of the touch. Bones went out of his way all of these years to take care of him, it was his turn. And he would do anything and everything needed. Even deal with those symptoms that Leonard started to outline for him.

Dark lashes lowered, his gaze lingering on the lines and angles of the doctor's hand in his own. He tried not too look as scared as he felt. Tried to hide the reactions he could feel tearing at his insides and just listen to the words and commit them to memory. He would look at the medical report and learn everything he could. He'd apply his 'genius' brain to learning everything he could to make this better for Leonard. Even if he knew damn well that the one thing he never excelled in was medical training. He would make it work. He would learn.

His lips brushed over Leonard's knuckles is a whispering touch as he finally closed his eyes. "I'm going to admit right now that I will be a complete mess regardless... but I'll do my damnedest to make sure I don't look it." The faintest quirk of a smile pulled at the edge of his lips as he opened his eyes to look over Bones' hand, blue eyes bright. "I'm with you till the end. Thick and thin." Sickness and health, right? Definitely.

"Christine can get you the details when I tell her. She'll know what to do." He could explain it on his own but the idea of educating Jim on the care and feeding of his dying to be spouse is...wearying. He knows he's running out of time. He can't not. Ignoring that won't help anyone but this space he has with Jim- he wants to pretend that he'll have more time than he's got. That things are gonna be okay. Later, maybe, when he's come 'round the stages of denial and grief and wound into acceptance he'll look back at this moment differently. But all he wants is to tuck Jim close and kiss his cheek, his eyelids, his hands.

Let him know he's cherished. Let him know he's loved. Try and make an impression that'll last long after he's gone.

"We'll make it work." That's the one promise he can make. The one he can keep. Not enough time to give Jim everything he deserves. Not enough time to leave anything behind except this crew that'll know him and the research he's done for the Federation. Maybe it'll be enough. It'll have to be enough. "I'll be a mess in the morn'n, I'm sure. It all seems kinda...I'm not in shock. I haven't reationalized it yet. I'm just...ignor'n it for a little while. Tomorrow I'll get my affairs in order."

"Fair enough." He honestly preferred it. The idea of letting Bones do it seemed wrong. No one should have to talk clinically about what was killing them and he really didn't want that at all. Jim simply needed to figure when he could do those things. He couldn't skip his shifts, so he could spend time reading the files then use less time to ask for any clarifications or things she knew he would need to know.

Nodding at that statement, he made sure to give Bones the most resolute agreement he could muster. They would make it work. No maybe. Releasing the hand in his, he softly cuffed his fingers under Leonard's chin. "Then it's a good thing that I'll be there in the morning."

The phrase 'getting my affairs in order' hurt. It hurt like a bitch and he hated that. So he didn't comment on it. Jim simply slipped off of the sofa and held his hands out to Bones with a sweet smile pulling at his lips and lighting his eyes. "I think it would be more comfortable in a bed though." Come what may, he wanted the one person that meant everything to him to be comfortable... and feel loved. "I'll even let you pick your side of the bed." The statement came with a playful wink, hoping to get the other to be a little more lively or at least get even the faintest of smiles. He'd take either.

You broke him. You broke Jim. He's done for.

oh noooooo

XD You won't win when he's being stubborn, Bones

good thing he doesn't want to win >_>;

Jim is a little like a leech when it comes to Bones, sorry (not sorry)

never be sorry, they're codependent as balls

I know.. I love them (and their matching outfits at the end of Beyond XD)

leather boyfriend jackets ftw

Hell yes. XD You know it's love when they wardrobe coordinate ;)

it warms my McKirk shipping heart to see, you don't even know

Mine too.. and you don't even want to know the scenario I came up with seeing Bones in a necklace

KU's throwback to Bones in the first movie, I loved it. ALSO: Do tell!

Yes! And you know... tracking necklaces, Jim would get him one for the snickers (and peace of mind).

Oh my god, Jim no, Jim plz, (Jim yes)

Isn't he awful? (Oh, he will. Don't worry.)

He's the worst. The best worst.

He keeps Bones young XD It's adorable.

and Bones keeps him grounded. It's so sweet.

It really is. Ridiculously so with how well balanced they are.

I'm just so happy they got more time together in Beyond t-t

God.. me too.. I was so upset at the sheer lack in ID..

Don't get me started, I have *opinions* about ID.

Completely understand x_X

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Don't get me started, I have opinions about ID.