bakerstreet | the death meme

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the death meme

the death meme

(CONTENT WARNING. This is a meme about death and may deal with suicide, depression, extreme violence, illnesses, etc.)

This is it. The final curtain. You're at the end of your life, and there's someone here you really, really need to say something to before you die.

CAUSE OF DEATH

1 - Accidental. Nobody meant for this to happen, but it doesn't matter now. Due to negligence, arrogance or just plain bad luck, you've become gravely ill or injured and are now in your last moments. This covers all kinds of accidental deaths--strangulation, drowning, car accidents, unintentional beheadings, whatever you can think of.

2 - Murder. Somebody really didn't like you. Enough to kill you, it seems. You're now dead by someone else's hand. (Maybe even the person replying to you?) As with accidental death, this covers all types of intentional, malicious murder, regardless of method--so poisoning, stabbing, shooting, etc., all work here. Same with all the below options: any possible variation you can think of on it will work!

3 - Suicide. There is no hope for you, and no way out. You've reached the absolute bottom pits of despair, and the only recourse you have is to take your own life. Someone shows up to stop you... but they're too late to help you now.

4 - Terminal illness. You have cancer, or tuberculosis, or cholera back when people got cholera. The doctors have done everything they could and it wasn't enough. The only thing to do now is give your loved ones the bad news.

5 - Starvation. So thirsty. So hungry. Maybe you've been traveling in the desert for hours, or maybe you're just really poor. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, because you're slowly wasting away until you're nothing but skin and bones.

6 - Death in battle. You've died a hero's death, and gone out in a blaze of glory. Or maybe you were a coward who got shot for deserting? Either way, you're now a casualty of war. Will you be honored with a parade or scorned as a traitor to your country?

7 - Natural causes. You've lived a long, happy life, and now your story is at an end. In a warm bed, surrounded by your family and friends, you peacefully drift off. Just make sure that you've made a will somewhere, or at least use your deathbed to set the record straight. Otherwise, who knows what kind of squabbles might errupt after you leave this world?

TIME LEFT

1 - A few minutes. You're fading fast and you don't have much, well, any time left. Better tell the person with you that you love -- or despise -- them with your last breath, because you'll never have the chance otherwise.

2 - A few hours. You haven't got much time left. Is there someone you still need to kill? To kiss? Better do it quick. (Note: last kisses not recommended for people dying of highly contagious illnesses.)

3 - A few days. The doctors have given you the news, and it's not very good. You've only got a couple days left to live. You should start trying to make peace with people and saying your final goodbyes with the days you have left.

4 - A few weeks. Take that vacation you've always wanted to go on but never had the chance to. Go do that thing you've never thought you'd be any good at. You've got only weeks left to live. Don't waste them.

5 - A few months. While you aren't quite on death's doorstep yet, your lifespan has still dwindled considerably from what you probably thought it would be. How are you going to spend your last few months on Earth? Making the world a better place and telling your family you love them? Or raising as much hell as possible?

RELATIONSHIP

1 - Lovers. This is your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress, whatever you call them they were the person you wanted to spend your life with. Too bad you don't have much of a life to spend with them anymore.

2 - Siblings. Your beloved little or older sibling is just standing there, watching you slowly waste away before their eyes. Can you say anything to comfort them? Note that it doesn't necessarily have to be interpreted literally; adopted siblings and friends so close they might as well be siblings work too.

3 - Parent and child. Nothing is worse than a parent having to bury their child... except, maybe, a young child now alone in the world after losing their parent. As with the sibling prompt, this can be expanded to include parental figures and people who are LIKE a father/mother to you as well as actual biological parents.

4 - Co-workers, teammates or classmates. You were fighting for the same side. Or you worked together in the same office for years. Or they sat behind you in biology all semester. However you met, how do your react when you find out someone who used to be a fixture in your life is going to die?

5 - Friends. You're the best of friends! You go everywhere together, know all each other's secrets, and are never seen apart. At least, you didn't use to be. Now one of you is dying and the other one is left alone in the world. Or maybe you're dying together. Wait, is that better or worse?

6 - Bitter enemies. You hate, hate, HATE this person. In fact, maybe you killed them. Or they killed you. Or maybe nobody killed anybody and they're just bitter that Mother Nature got to you before they did. Regardless, they want to confront you one last time before you bite it, if only to rub your nose in your imminent demise and their ability to outlive you.

HOW IT WORKS:
1. Post your character and preference
2. Respond to others.
3. Tell the person what you need to tell them before you bite it.
4. Have fun!

old af credit here

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"I'm gonna haveta put myself on light duty." He'd work harder but- it may or may not shave days off the tail end, there. And if he's got a choice between work'n himself into an even earlier grave and hav'n a few extra days laid up in Georgia, curling around Jim? He'll take the extra time. Better to be on desk duty, update his staff, delegate like he shoulda been for the past coupla years. He'll want to work but-

He can research. Read till he goes blind from it- or from clots in his eyes. That'll be the hardest part, in the final days.

"So I can layabout with you for a little while, I suppose." Close to teasing with a wry smile that hurts more than a little. So many wasted years. He coulda had this god knows how long ago. He's not gonna waste the time he's got now. Leonard takes Jim's hands and pulls himself up with a grunt, swaying through the now usual wave of dizziness that comes along with it. Takes a moment to steady himself, to breathe before stepping that much closer and looping his arms around Jim. Slotting right in like he's always belonged against him. "I'm somth'n of a sprawler. I go wherever it's warm. So, Darl'n- wherever you are? There I'll be."

"I considered making that an order, but it seems your going to actually make that easier on me." He appreciated that. He may not know anything about this disease just yet, but he knew that working himself to death would do more harm than good. He also knew that Spock and the bridge crew would help him make more time without letting things be undone. Like the endless things he had to read that Rand shoved into his hands. He could do all that hear or even sitting in Bones' office if the other wanted him around.

The blonde had every intention of being where he was needed without putting all the weight on his crew. He also knew that if he needed to step off the bridge, Sulu or Spock would take over without hesitation. That gave him a sense of peace he couldn't begin to explain.

"Oh? Do we get to be farm cats and lay around in the sun all day? I always wondered what it was like to live a life like that." He had a feeling learning to be still would be trying at first... but if it meant more time with Bones? So be it.

Curling his arms about the other man's waist, he splayed one hand at the small of Bones' back and just held him closer. Turning his head to press a light kiss to his cheek, he smiled against the warm skin. "That... is ridiculously adorable. I never would have pinned you for a snuggler. Not that I'm against it..." He added the last line with a grin. "Sprawl all you like. I have a feeling I'll be just as bad.. you know... cause it's you."

"Best thing for me now? Is rest." He might even perk up when he's not taking fourteen hour days and wearing himself down to a nub. God only knows. He sure as shit can't get worse by taking it easy. Might give him a little more time and that's more than worth letting things get handed off to Christine and Geoffrey.

Little by little he nudges Jim back to the bed- well. Dances would be a better word, one hand on his hip, the other near his shoulders, swaying to something neither of them can rightly hear. Te thurm and song of the Enterprise herself. This crazy tin can that's been his home for years. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad-

No, it would.

He wants these people to remember him as cranky, capable, and alive. He'll put himself out to pasture in Georgia. They don't need him gett'n sick all over the place when they're try'n to work. "All those times we passed out drunk in a pile, never occurred to you?"

That maybe they ended up in a pile cuz he tugged Jim in to feel warm? "You're a regular octopus when you wanna be, Jimmy."

"Agreed." Wholeheartedly with not a single lick of hesitation. In a few days, Leonard may even regret letting Jim play caretaker because he planned to make Leonard exactly what he was to him. The center of his universe. And maybe if he got past the shyness, he'd tell him that. Give it a day or two... or maybe when Bones realizes that Jim is dead serious about this.

A small little chuckle escaped him at that way they moved. Slow but so ease... it felt too surreal. Had it not been for the looming shadow ahead, he might of thought he'd already broken into the liquor cabinet and drank all its contents to ever believe this was happening. And yet, that undeniable heart beat and the scent of Leonard McCoy surrounding him was enough to remind him this was real.

"Well, given we were.. you know... drunk." And they called it lowered inhibitions for a reason, but he didn't say that out loud. Obviously both of them ignored that fact for years. "I mean... it will be the first time I can say I got you to hold me for reasons other than booze or injury." Okay, maybe they might have hugged at other points, but usually for special occasions or when some near death shit managed to happen.

Not just because he loved him.

Snorting at that, both brows lifted. "What? Are you complaining, Bones? Keep it up and I'll do something embarrassing... like carrying you to the bed." His eyes danced with the threat as his hands moved to slid along his sides and rest against his hips with that same steadying grip. Angling his head, he held McCoy's eyes and offered quietly. "The only bad part now is I can't blame wandering hands on intoxication. Do I need to apologize up front?" So maybe he shouldn't be flirting right now. For all he knew Bones didn't want that kind of attention or banter for that matter. But then... to not flirt at all seemed completely against his own grain and he'd been biting it back for years every time he spoke to Bones. It might very well burn a hole in his brain if he didn't just give in now that he had a right to.

"Or adrenaline, or relief, or frustration-" The list is pretty well endless- trying to pin Jim down (literally on occasion) for a vaccine against this, that, or the other has been a trying and exhausting constant in Leonard's life. And he still wouldn't trade a single moment of it for anything in the galaxy. This singularly frustrating man has given him so much and helped him through damn near everything. And here he stands, ready to help him wind down the last weeks of his life.

Doesn't seem fair to scoff like he usually would at the flirting. It's just Jim being Jim, he'd always thought. Just how he is. But now he actually lets it sink in. Soaks it up like a flower does sunlight and feels a slow, familiar smirk settle on his lips as he leans back enough to get a good look at Jim. "Dunno if you could carry me, kid."

There's a drawl to it, now. A warmth under even the usual affection- and a distinct lack of the usual exasperation. "Wander away- just don't be surprised if you find bruises. I bruise easy, now. Don't mean a damn thing. It might get better when we're back on earth for a li'l while."

Rolling his eyes, he shook his head in mock exasperation. "So dramatic, Bones. You make life with me sound like such a chore." Not that he ever actually felt like one. Not after their first year together. Once Jim realized Bones cared genuinely, he slowly let go of the fear until he always found the grousing as more affectionate than actually seeing him as a burden. He simply rolled with it and poked at the man till he continued to grouse further.

A look of surprise flits through his eyes, however, at that come back. "Hey, hey... I go to the gym. And I don't just go for an excuse to say I look pretty, I'll have you know." More like he did it to be tough enough to get out of bad spots with the least amount of injuries. But now Bones just had to hurt his ego and look so damn adorable while doing it. And if there is one thing Jim can't stand, it's failing to meet a challenge. "I bet you I can. I'll sweep you right off your feet bridal style and carry you to bed. If you promise not to shove me off the bed when we get there in retribution, I will prove it to you right now."

Huffing in dramatic disappointment in Bones' assessment of his body, he sent him the most flirtatious smile he could pull up without laughing. "Well, not to sound cheesy and I know this sounds cheesy... but I don't mind trying that old technique of kissing each one to make them better? Don't laugh." One hand lifted to press against his own chest in mock indignation. "I am being utterly serious here. Okay... mostly serious. It's more an excuse, but don't let that distract you from the truly romantic notion I am proposing at the moment." He tried to look serious. He really did. But he ended up ducking his head and laughing before sneaking a look up through dark lashes at the doctor.

"Nah. Not a chore. Not bor'n either, though." And he's glad for it. A dull life woulda driven him outside his mind. Sure he coulda stayed in the Academy teaching, gotten a posting on any number of colonies or bases- but this has been the most exciting. The most challenging. Of course it's where Jim's been dragg'n him about. "Jim, I'm your primary physician. I know how much you can safely lift."

And it's something of an odd reminder that he ain't rightly himself anymore and probably wouldn't ever be again that sure, at his full weight? Broad like a boxer and bulked up? Jim probably couldn't carry him easy. But he hasn't been eat'n, hasn't been well- and some of that meat has dropped away. Too many hours at the desk, not enough at the gym. "But if you've got your heart set on it darl'n- go right ahead. I'll take that bet."

Reasonably certain Jim can swing it despite be'n a few inches shorter, Leonard loops his arms around his shoulders and dutifully waits. And- damn this disease that even blushing is more intense, his whole face going red at the rather sincere and touching offer of kissing his bruises. "That's mighty sweet of you. If you wanna? I won't mind."

"You know me, never a dull moment." He smiled at him fondly. A warm feeling wrapped around that knot in his chest as he tried to drown out the truth of the matter. He didn't have nearly enough time to do better for Leonard. But he didn't want to think about it. He wanted to give Bones one night as close to normal as they will ever have. "Yeah, yeah... And I'm sure you would look far more debonair carrying me around, but that's not the point and you are totally ignoring my sheer tenacity to accomplish the impossible."

So maybe he'd pull a muscle... possibly hurt his back. But damn it if he wasn't going to prove the man wrong. In fact, he was ready to dig his heels in and make his case until Bones just... gave in. Blinking a few times at the man he easily identified as the love of his life, he must look a bit like a deer in the head lights. "That... was too easy. I feel like there are strings attached." But the attempt at teasing had his voice cracking from the sudden rush of his pulse at just how much trust Bones just gave him.

However, hell would freeze over before he backed down now. Looking around the other man to gauge the distance to the bed, he wagered he could do it. Maybe not 'easily' but with little difficulty. But god he might just melt as those arms wound about his neck and Leonard blushed like that. "I swear I'm going to take care of you." It came out in a rush, like the words were just there and needed to get out the moment Bones said he wouldn't mind the show of affection.

And Jim Kirk would never back down from a challenge. So he set his jaw with determination and did exactly what he said he would. He swept the elder up into his arms and carefully pressed him to his chest. Where the weight should show him that maybe more gym time was necessary, it felt more... like a relief. Where Leonard lost weight, he was still not terribly underweight. Yet.

Taking a deep breath, he moved forward taking careful steps and turning with equal care to make sure that he didn't bump any part of the doctor against anything in his quarters. Maybe his arms wouldn't have trembled if he'd moved faster... Maybe his muscles wouldn't have protested if he'd not taken such slow careful steps. But none of that was a priority... setting the brunette down on the mattress with every ounce of care he had in him came first. Even if when he knew Bones was safely in place, his knees gave and he quite honestly slid to his knees next to the bed laughing softly at himself. Resting his arms and on the bed, he placed his chin on them and smiled triumphantly. "See! I told you I could do it."

Which quickly transitioned to a soft echo of worry as he asked, "You're okay, right? I didn't jostle you too much, did I?" Bones did say he bruised easily...

"No strings." So little time. The chase could be fun, the arguing, the bickering- and they can have that tomorrow. In the next week. Tonight? Tonight he's feel'n warm and indulgent and lazy- though languor is a symptom as much as the bruising and nosebleeds. He just wants tonight to be close to normal. To be a good memory for Jim as impossible as that is with the news hanging over both their heads. But the little things. Humoring Jim. Playing along. Flirting back. Hiking up his legs to help with the carry and trying to hold still like that'll make him lighter.

Considering the strain in Jim's arms? Probably hasn't lost as much as it feels like he has. Which is good. That'll come later.

So many awful thins to come later.

Right now there's just the care in Jim's eyes, the gentleness in his hands like Leonard's something made outta spun glass. Like a wrong look or touch would break him and he ain't all that fragile yet- but he can't grumble about it. Not when he's trying so goddamn hard. It's a short walk honestly and Jim lays him out like he's something precious.

How the fuck did he not realize what the kid felt? How'd he miss all this time-

Leonard shakes those thoughts off, tugging Jim up with a soft smile, hands stroking his arms from wrist to shoulder and back again. "Damn right you did- and I'm fine, Darl'n. Cross my heart."

The second part goes without saying for obvious reasons. "Now come up here so I can enjoy this bed fully."

From his spot on the floor, he didn't need that much time to recover. In fact, the moment Leonard pulled at him he started to move. First one knee was on the bed then the other so he could lean over the elder and let his gaze trace every feature of Bones' face. Jim had a great memory. He could remember the most inane and unneeded things... he could remember in details the most horrifying events of his life. And right now he knew this would be one of the most bittersweet moments of his life.

How could you be so happy and so devastated at the same time?

Shifting to cup Bones' face in one hand, he leaned in and stole a soft kiss that lingered but didn't press for more. Sitting back, he arched a brow and smiled through the sting in his chest. "I will... but first things first."

He hopped up and moved to get a hold of the elder's boots to pull them off one by one. "Now I know you can do it yourself, but I'm in the mood to do all the work, so best just sit there and let me, right?" Sending the brunette a wink, he set the boots to the side and crawled back onto the bed. "Sadly, I don't think I have any clothes that would fit comfortably, so you're going to have to tell me what you want to do about that" Rolling onto his side next to the other man, he scooted closer and dared to slide one arm under him.

If Bones had to lie around in his uniform, he would to. It felt a little childish to think that, but he did and he refused to be more comfortable if Bones couldn't be.

Same face he's had since he quit grow'n- well. That ain't entirely right. There's the scrape of stubble he always gets this late in the day, the pale cast to his skin time in the Georgia sun will fix, the bruises under his eyes. But when he smiles? Those same crinkles go from tired to warm, dimples deep and present when he leans into that kiss. Such a soft, sweet thing that he never thought he'd get for himself.

All it took was dy'n.

Later he'll rave and write and rant. Later he'll be angry. Right now he's got a hand in Jim's hair and a bed at his back. It's just like any other day they passed out together in the Academy except for the sentiment. "Jim, what're you-"

A far too optimistic and somewhat possessive curl lights up in his stomach at something so goddamn simple. No way he could dig into any of that in his condition. No way he'd have enough time to talk Jim through it, explain things and see where he fell on that line. It's that dumb quasi grief for what they can't have right now that has his words drawl'n out whiskey rough. "Well if noth'n will fit, I suppose I better be naked."

Smooth when he wants to be, is McCoy. Especially when he thinks he can surprise Jim. It's a quiet pleasure, startling a laugh or a blush outta him.

His brows rose as he waited for an answer, the smile bordering on 'adorable' more than anything else as he waited. And when Bones' said that the first thing that happened was the marginal widening of blue eyes and a flush of red that went straight to the tip of his ears. Exhaling suddenly, he laughed, ducking his head as the corners of his eyes crinkled with the laughter.

Shaking his head, he sat up and leaned over the elder still grinning at him. "You know, I don't know if that is a blessing or torture that you want to be naked in bed with me. Where I know you've seen me in nothing, I can't say I've seen all of you." Sweeping a kiss to Bones' cheek, he ran his lips over the stubble before nipping his ear lobe. In the same moment, he let his hands wander down to the hem of his shirt. Curling under the uniform as well as the under shirt, he smoothed his hands up Leonard's sides slowly. "Sit up for me?"

His own body moved to straddle the elder's thighs as his fingers gently rubbed over the skin of his abdomen. Angling his head, Jim's eyes drifted down to his abdomen that peeked out from under his shirt. "Question... am I allowed to leave kisses anywhere I want if I promise to stop if you say stop?"

He didn't want to push for too much. Jim didn't want to ask for anything Bones wasn't willing to give him or couldn't give him. "Just tell me what I can and can't do?"

"Ain't noth'n to write home about, Jim." Sure he's built broad and solid like most decent working southern boys- he's not where he should be. Probably won't ever be again but bringing that up right now would just be putting a damper on Jim's upswing in mood. Better to keep shit light for the moment and drown his bitter frustrations later. It ain't all that often he gets to be playful.

He might as well embrace it.

Leonard props himself up on his elbows, moving enough to help Jim settle in close and comfy. The tunics are comfortable and relatively painless- which is more than he can say for some of the field uniforms they've had to wear. Or the formal Greys. Stuff itched like the dickens. Hard to think about, though, when he's got Jim's hips under his hands and that smile angled down at him, those fair fingers trailing under the hem.

"...Turnabout's gonna be fair play, Darl'n. I'm gonna wanna do the same if that's alright by you? I'm sick, sure- and I bruise easy right now so no serious biting- but other than that? I'm just fine." For now. For a few weeks, maybe.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Bones? Don't be such a cynic." He snorted playfully as he splayed his hands over the doctor's stomach and felt the heat through his palms and fingers. "And I gotta say, you've kept me interested for years, so I think it's safe to say I think you're pretty gorgeous." And something inside of him stated that he'd never stop feeling that way... even when it got worse.

Dipping down, he pressed a soft kiss against his stomach just above his navel. Using the leverage of Leonard's body, his hands smoothed upward and pushed the uniform away to reveal more of his skin. He took a moment to flick his tongue against his belly button before leaving soft kisses in the wake of the rising piece of clothing. Smiling against the skin that just covered his ribs, he fought that urge to suck on the skin. As much as he would like that possessive action, he didn't want to leave more marks than necessary.

"Like I would stop you." His bright eyes peered through his lashes as he flicked his tongue over the line of Leonard's sternum slowly. "Much as I'd love to bite you, I think I'll have to skip that and settle for nibbling. As for you, I do hope you plan to bite." Winking at him, he used both hands to support the other man as well as pull his shirts off at the same time. Dropping it off the side of the bed, he leaned in to shower the line of the collar with kisses and gentle nips before he laved his tone up the hollow of his neck.

"Did you want to pull my shirt off or shall I give you a show? I'm good with either." He sat up just enough to smirk at him before stealing a kiss from his lips. "Anything you want."

"Realist." He prides himself on the same- keeping his feet well planted on the ground and his head clear of the clouds. Looking forward at what is- even if that particular road gets rocky and he takes a few scuffs. More bruises than scrapes lately- at least the edema's not gotten so bad that his skin's gone delicate enough to tear easy. Just the odd bruise, from leaning on his desk, knocking into a shelf, a dark one along one shoulder where he'd slammed into the wall when the inertial dampeners hiccuped earlier in the day.

Try as he might to tell himself Jim won't be bothered- he's tense. Whether it's self consciousness cuz of the bruises or that usual bone deep anxious clench that comes with a new person seeing him naked he can't tell. But it's there, that little knot in his stomach that he can't shake as Jim's hands slide over his skin and he thinks- 'oh christ where do I put my hands' before he remembers it's Jim and not to be so wound up. It's Jim and he can always reach out, always lay a hand on him. Comb his fingers through that sunkissed hair and let the low warmth settle into something whiskey sweet.

"Not gonna lie-" He moves enough to help tug his tunic and undershirt off, tossing them somewhere off to the side before settling back. It feels strange- usually it's the other way 'round for him. He's touching, exploring, learning- but he can't begrudge Jim his chance to map him out. Learn the little scars, the burns and flecks that came from a lifetime on Earth and some terrifying years in the stars. Worth it, though, even if he'd never get this. All this attention, all this warmth, all this affection. Every little kiss and nip and drag dragging out a full body blush, his hands combing from scalp to nape to the cap of Jim's shoulders, tugging him up for a slow, proper kiss. "I've thought about this a coupla times. And you were always just as naked as me- consider that a suggestion."

"Ah, right. Fancy word for a pessimist." Teasing lightly, he kissed just under his ear. He noted those bruises, making sure to consider the shape and location and what might have caused it. A passing thought of bubble wrap occurs to him and he huffs a small laugh to himself. He didn't need to torment Bones with the idea of putting him in padding to keep him safer.

His touch becomes light, trailing and tracing patterns on the skin. He leans back enough to look at the other man, his head pressing into those hands in his hair and sighing softly. For the moment, he was glad he let it grow out. A thought that flitted away when he moved into that slow kiss. He savored the taste and feeling with every fiber of his being. When it broke for those words, he had to huff another laugh. "Well then, I guess I'd better fix that."

Slipping his hands up the length of Leonard's arms, he caught them tenderly and shifted them down to his hips as he straddle him careful not to put much weight on him. Crossing his arms over his abdomen to catch the hem of his own shirts, he pulled them off in a slow but smooth fashion before tossing them off the bed as well. "So you imagined this before?" Another light smile and lowering his head, "I thought about it a lot more than I want to admit."

Jim never felt any sort of shame or embarrassment over his body, but he felt oddly nervous now. Angling his head, he leaned closer and pressed a loving kiss to the center of Bones' chest. Breathing in, he lightly rolled off of the doctor and slid to his feet so his hands could undo his pants before skimming them off his hips to fall and pool on the floor. It's an almost shy slide of his eyes to Bones as he asks softer still, "Do you want everything off?"

"It ain't glass half empty or half full. It's a glass, it's got water." Seeing things as they were without trying to explain them away as better or worse. A clinical view of the word, he knew, but one that kept him sane. Kept him solid and squared and from becoming a screaming wreck in this moment like he pretty much has every right to do. But for just a little while longer he wanted to ignore the cards in his hand and focus on something other than the game. Something sweet and warm and soothing against the neigh constant ache that settled in his bones.

"Li'l bit." When he was drunk, when he was exhausted beyond all reason. Moments when the light would catch Jim just so and the world seemed to slow down and he'd wonder if maybe...and then the light would change and the world would spin on and Leonard settled in his place at Kirk's side. Trusted friend, adviser, confidant. He had that. Why would he need more?

Didn't keep him from wanting.

Leonard's seen Jim every which way from skin to dress greys and every shade in between but something about this moment, reaching up not as a doctor of a friend but something more? Made his palms tingle as he slid them up the length of his back. Smoothed down his shoulders to pause here and there over a remembered scar or freckle or mole. Things he'd patched up- things that happened long before he'd ever met the kid. "And what'd you think of, mostly?"

Easy to lie back with a hand in Jim's hair and just... breathe for a little while. Consider the implications of slipping down to nothing and wondering if he's up to that. "...Yeah, Jim. I do."

Huffing a soft sound, he paused to reach out and softly smooth Leonard's hair back. He wanted to ask how he would ever manage without Bones there to ground him, to keep his feet on the ground. What will he do? What could he 'realistically' do?

But now wasn't the time. "Only a little? I'm hurt, Bones. Genuinely." He laughed, teasing him. Truth be told, he was still a little awed that the other felt that way at all. Not that he was necessarily 'surprised', not after all the cuddling in the past. But it felt too surreal, too amazing, and all too short.

A shiver raced down his spine when Bones touched him like that. It felt so much like Bones and yet so different at the same time. The intent rolled over his skin in a whole new way that awakened his senses and twisted something in his stomach with a raw need and a deep agony all at once. Bright blue eyes lifted to Bones as he considered that question.

For years he kept his heart carefully guarded against more hurt... chances to be abandoned... chances to lose things. But Bones wormed so securely into his heart that right now he knew his eyes were open doors for a moment before he ducked his head with a laugh. His fingers hooked into the waistband of his boxers and tugged them slowly down his hips and over the curve of his ass to let them finally fall to the floor. "I thought of everything from the hot and dirty I know too well... to the things I wanted to learn about with you." Finally looking up gain, he crawled onto the bed to lean down over Leonard.

"Things I never wanted to do because..." They got you too close to people. And over time, he thought about those things more and more when he looked at his best friend. And now he felt like he just created a self-fulfilling prophesy. He couldn't finish his words because it was going exactly like he'd feared. Even if Bones didn't mean to leave him, but his whole world still planned to cave in on him. Not that it stopped him from softly tracing his fingers along the doctor's stomach. Shaking his head, he changed the subject. "Want me to get you out of those pants?"

"You know damn near everything about me, Jim. I can't rightly think of anything you haven't asked or been witness to just yet." Every hurt, every black, bitter thought- every revelation. Every quiet fear that he avoided by giving voice to others, every bright moment of affection he'd shared with someone else. Every chance taken with his battered heart that never really went anywhere on account of most of it being held by the bold and brilliant man he fought to keep alive on a daily basis. Some days were easier than others. Some things simpler to share. You don't love someone and know the whole of them so he'd thought it was safe to let Jim see.

They cared about each other, had their own kinda love but- it was platonic. Or so he'd thought. One needed to leave the mystery alive but that mattered so much less when they wouldn't have near as much time as they might have wanted. They had this. Hands on skin, dreams shared and forgotten, the long press of freckles against tan. "Yeah, Jim. Don't know if I'll be up for anything too involved but-"

He wanted to have this. Just a moment, a memory of all that skin he'd healed and grafted and agonized over pressed close, whole and well. He'd never thought he'd be the first to go. Now? All he can do is try to bury himself into Jim's bones so deep he'd never be at a loss even when he was gone.

"I do." He spoke the words softly. Jim knew Bones like he knew no one else and it only hit harder that his waiting this long... How could he be so foolish and wait so long? Closing his eyes a moment, he gently undid the pants and slid his hands tenderly down his sides and into Bones' pants. For as sensual as he touched the other man, there was a certain level of sweetness too that overshadowed the desirous emotions in his actions. "You know me better than anyone else... enough to know I don't do attachment. Or... I didn't. I would have..."

He struggled with the right way to put it as he helped the brunette lift his hips off the bed so he could drag pants and underwear down his legs. Jim's lips brushed against his stomach as he nuzzled at his navel. "You've had me for a long time, Bones." His brow furrowed a little as his hands splayed out and smoothed down muscled thighs that he knew had been slightly more toned before. "You're gonna have me a helluva lot longer than will likely be seen as healthy." He leaned his head against the inside of the doctor's knees as he slid and curled them so he could pull the clothing down his calves and off him completely.

Dropping the clothing aside he pressed a kiss to the softer skin at the inner thigh. Breathing in slowly, he finally turned his head to look up at Bones seriously with every ounce of his being, heart in his throat and eyes bluer from moisture he preferred to believe wasn't still lingering in his eyes. Jim Kirk never backed down from anything, especially not the people he cared about most. Never from Bones. "You've turned me inside out, you know that? From that first ridiculous thing you said to me on that shuttle in Iowa... People always leave, Bones. And I always figured... if I never got close enough it wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't have to acknowledge why my mother was..."

He didn't finish it. He didn't know how to describe Winona Kirk and he really didn't want to anyway. Not right now. "But you need to know..." He slipped forward, one hand on either side of his head as he leaned down over the other man. "I'm gonna love you even after your gone... and I'm..." He bit into his cheek to fight the ache in his eyes and maybe spare himself some of the agony of admitting this. Admitting that Bones was taking all the best of him with him and he didn't regret it. Just that he didn't get to tell him sooner. "I'll never be sorry for it."

"Married to the job." He offered, moving as needed to help Jim undress him. He could be self conscious- probably should be but this was Jim. He'd seen Leonard at his highest and lowest points in his life, good, bad, ridiculous, that one time in drag- naked was just one more step in what was probably some manner of inevitable shenaniganary coming down the road. He'd never thought it'd be like this. Quiet and calm, sweet and with desire in those hands and affection in those eyes.

He didn't deserve it. The warmth. The sorrow that would follow. Steady as he could manage he slid his hands into Jim's hair just to hold him. To feel that feather soft prickling against his palms, frame the face he'd seen in every shade of life and death. "I could, I suppose, insist you move on after me. Find yourself someone to start a family when you're done throw'n yourself into the stars- but..."

But. His heart wouldn't be in it. He couldn't see Jim with a wife, with a son. Not happily, not easily. Sure, it could probably work and for a little while? They might think they had things figured out. But Jim belonged to the job, to the stars. He couldn't imagine any woman that wasn't already in the fleet wanting to do that- and he couldn't imagine Jim wanting to put any woman through what his mother lived. What he had to live with over his head every goddamn hour of every goddamn day. "But I'm selfish."

Quietly, privately. It wasn't something that often came up- but he was when he could allow it. And in this? he could allow it. "I won't be able to give you everything you deserve, everything I'd want- and while I want you happy more than anything I know that won't be all that easy after."

Impossible, even. He tugged him up, curled his arms tight around Jim's waist to bring him close. To tangle their legs like they were lifetime lovers rather than two tragic fools twisting in the wind of the universe. "Find happiness however you can, after. With someone or with my memory, I don't care. Just don't...let yourself burn out. That's all I ask."

"If it makes you feel better, you're more attractive than the job." He added that statement without missing a beat. Flashing him a quick smile, he kissed softly at the skin of Bones' stomach once more as he leaned over him. But the smile faded as the rigid tensity ran up his spine at that comment. Move on. Find someone else. Stars or no stars... the idea felt like an irritating grind against his spine attacking the nerve endings.

He let out a bitter laugh he didn't mean to. Even if Bones wasn't actually asking him to do that. Leonard should know him better than that and Jim believed that he did. Finally looking up at him, he gave Bones a wry smile. "Be selfish. You've given me more than you could ever possibly imagine already. I should've known when I finally did meet my match, nothing about it would be conventional." Like being born under a cursed star. Except his was more like a lightning storm in space.

Moving with the pull, he slid easily into Bones' arms and closed his eyes as he pressed his face into the curve of his neck. He worked unconsciously to settle his weight more on the bed or his own elbows and knees so as not to hurt Leonard... but his mind was more caught up in the winding of their bodies. "Mom tried that. I fucking hated my step dads. There's a reason why she never changed her name again." He grumbled the words softly, not wanting to think about any of that.

"I won't... Gotta at least see a certain young lady's wedding first. I made a promise." He'd see Joanna through as many of those important events in her life as he could. He may not be Bones and he never would be, but he would be there. Leonard McCoy was his center of gravity... leave it to him to find a way to get a promise out of him that would keep him from drifting away and apart after he died.

Carefully rolling them onto their sides, he made sure to get the weight off of the brunette before shifting to touch their foreheads. Smoothing his fingers along the side of Bones' face, he offered him a small smile. "How the hell am I going to live without you?" He knew asking that was selfish. He didn't want to make this worse, but he just couldn't not ask. Because looking at him like this, he felt the strangest contrast of need, love and despair he'd ever felt. And it was suffocating him.

"And be there for her kids. And their weddings." It was a low fucking blow to use the entirety of the McCoy bloodline to keep Jim grounded. To keep him going, to keep him loved. His family would recover. Jojo- she'd manage. Girl was resilient. Jim held the bulk of his fear for as brave and bold and brilliant as his golden captain was-

In certain ways he remained fragile. Needing people to course correct him, needing to be needed back. It was something Leonard knew well enough having his own bones soaked in that particular need. As a doctor it worked well for him, as a CMO? Even better. As a father, as a husband? Not quite so much as such deep codependency wasn't entirely healthy. But they were both worn at slightly wrong angles, he and Jim. They needed. They fit. And it would be the deepest regret of his life that he wouldn't spend as much of it with Jim as he'd want. His daughter and family would have to make up the difference.

Steady hands slid up to cradle the back of Jim's skull, the fine, round shape of it, the prickling of hair on his palms. The painful blue of his eyes so damn close and that question cut him deeper than anything he'd ever known. "One day at a time. Knowing that if I see you soon on the other side I'm gonna be so goddamn angry. There are people out there that need you, Jim. People you haven't met. Worlds you haven't saved, stars you haven't seen."

"Don't do that..." The 'to me' hung in the air before he closed his eyes. He fought that searing feeling in his chest and eyes that threatened to over throw him. Bones was being a real bastard about this. He knew. He knew that Jim couldn't tell him no.

Pulling his hand away from the brunette, he rubbed at his eyes and ducked his head between them till the top of his head brushed Leonard's chin. Damn him. Damn the feeling of knowing he'll agree to this. All he could do was focus on breathing. Calm himself down and don't break apart. Running his hand through his hair after one more swipe at his eyes, he bit into his cheek as he let his hands fall to rest against his chest and Bones' hip.

Of everything he lived through, everything he survived... this wasn't something he thought he could bounce back from. Jim clenched his jaw, a mental line of berating himself chanted like a mantra of 'this isn't about you, Jim'. Get it together. His shoulders shook a little as he took a slow breath and let it out with only the slightest of sound. "Yeah... sure... if that's what you want, Bones."

He would. Without regret or a goddamn smidgeon of shame, he would- because he needed Jim to keep on living the way he needed to. To keep fighting, to keep exploring. To be Jim Kirk.

It was possible without him, he knew that much. It had to be- thinking anything else was more than he could manage. Right now all he did, all he focused on was holding Jim tight to his chest and breathing through the tremors that rocked them both. This greedy, angry thing coiled in his veins would be the end of him. But not before he made certain Jim would truly live. Survive? Get by? Those were unacceptable. A star this bright needed to burn.

Jim needed to be a beacon. "You won't be alone. There's our family, the Crew- they'll be there for you. Every step of the way."

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the death meme

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-dying of giggles- You have NO idea how much Jim wants to prove him wrong.

Oh, I think I do!

XD Bones agreeing is really flooring him, but it's an adorable shock

Suddenly agreeable McCoy. All it took was a terminal disease- who knew?

I think Jim would prefer a stubborn Bones to a sick one.. but he'll take both. T-T

Sorry, yesterday was kind of a wash x-x not a lot of time for tags

No problem! I was a mess with first day of school jitters. XD So it worked out.

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