ʙᴏᴛʜ ɪɴ ʜᴇʟʟ

[sockdere]

ʙᴏᴛʜ ɪɴ ʜᴇʟʟ Of all the places in this world, there's nowhere worse you could be than where you are now. You're in hell - metaphorically or literally - and laying down and just dying seems more and more like the valid action to take. But you can't go any lower and death could be a no escape. There's only one thing keeping you from being a jaded, broken husk: you've fallen in love with someone who shares this fate. It's a love so different than the norm, that only those who've known this desolation can fathom. Perhaps they give you hope, they're an innocent worth keeping safe, they showed you unexpected kindness, or they're simply something to cling to. No matter what, you'll protect them and you wouldn't dream of leaving this place without them. They will leave, though... ...even if you don't. ☣ ＣＯＭＭＥＮＴ． ＩＮＦＯ． ＰＲＥＦＥＲＥＮＣＥＳ． ☣ ＲＥＰＬＹ ＴＯ ＯＴＨＥＲＳ． ☣ ＴＨＲＥＡＤ. ＣＡＰＴＵＲＥＤ → For a crime you committed or not, you're in a prison. ＶＡＬＵＥ → Something about you is worth quite a deal to the wrong person. ＳＣＩＥＮＴＩＦＩＣ → You're nothing but an experiment, a lab rat. ＰＥＲＳＥＣＵＴＥＤ → Your mistreatment is not because of what you've done. It's for who you are. ＦＲＥＡＫＳＨＯＷ → All of your oddities are on display for the amusement of others. ＦＯＲＣＥ → You have to do horrible things, though not of your own will or design. ＲＡＣＫ → There's not just isolation or imprisonment on your plate - there's physical torture as well. ＢＲＩＭＳＴＯＮＥ → "Hell" is no hyperbole; you're in the fiery pit itself. ＷＩＬＤＣＡＲＤ

Comments

[tryingitall]

The rest of your followers will be jealous if you keep taking vacations with me. [Balthazar is tired, and that's making his inhibitions and coordination drop even without any alcohol as an excuse. He looks happy, though, relieved to be free and basking in Castiel's company. Possibly just a little smug.]

Not that I have a problem with that.

[beees]

That doesn't seem likely. [Castiel can always find reasonable grounds to spend time away with Balthazar, and he's enjoying himself enough that he doesn't think it's out of the question to make it more of a habit when there's not more important tasks at hand, when they're not at war.

He takes another drink from the bottle and offers it back to Balthazar again.]

[tryingitall]

You don't think so? You have no idea how much you're looked up to, do you?

[Balthazar clasps his hand around the neck of the bottle, and around Castiel's hand at the same time, holding both together.] It's almost embarrassing talking to the rest of your followers. Some of them seem just shy of swooning at times. At least I'm capable of adoring you with dignity and restraint.

[He drinks from the bottle, licks his lips, and gives Castiel a light kiss on the inner wrist before relinquishing his grip.

Dignity and restraint. Sure.]

[beees]

Of course, I know they respect me. They wouldn't follow me if they didn't. But nobody swoons. Or almost does.

[Balthazar kisses Castiel's wrist and he feels a pleasant shiver go down his spine. He takes another drink and wraps an arm around Balthazar's waist.]

[tryingitall]

Maybe not in front of you... [Okay, he may be exaggerating a little bit. As far as he can tell there are few angels who feel for Castiel quite the way he does. But there are plenty who think he's their Father's new chosen representative and hang desperately on his words.

Whereas Balthazar himself is capable of calling Cas out if he thinks he's full of it, even needling and teasing him. But for all that, he'd lay down his life without a second thought.]

Mmm. Would you like me to swoon? I could. [He grins at the arm around his waist, cuddling up.]

[beees]

Well, I am grateful for their loyalty regardless. [And Balthazar's too, of course. Truthfully, Castiel needs someone who can be honest with him when he crosses the line, and he appreciates his brother all the more for it.]

Hmm. I don't think swooning will be necessary. [He takes another drink and sets the bottle down, leaning into Balthazar's shoulder.]

[tryingitall]

[On some level, Balthazar also just enjoys being a jackass, which says a lot about him. On the other hand, it also says a great deal about Castiel that he not only puts up with it but accepts it as an aspect of his brother's personality. One which, however annoying, is worth putting up with for the rest of him.

That's a huge thing to Balthazar, and he'll probably never be able to say it in words.

When Cas leans against him, he turns and curls into it for a moment, actually daring to nuzzle his hair.]

Thank you for this. [The best possible gift between them is time.

But the drinks are icing on the cake.] You should try the apple brandy!

[beees]

[His propensity for tormenting and being a jackass is another one of those things that in Balthazar's case, Castiel is willing to make an exception for, where he wouldn't for others.

He sighs contentedly as Balthazar nuzzles his hair.]

You don't need to thank me. This is exactly what both of us needed.

[He straightens up a little when Balthazar mentions the brandy.] All right, pass the apple brandy, then.

[tryingitall]

[Balthazar grins and sorts through their various ill-gotten bottles until he finds what he's looking for. Yes, this sort is very sweet but with a hell of a kick. He thinks Cas will enjoy it.

It's a smaller bottle, but there are two of them, so he opens them both and lets Castiel have one all to himself.] Cassi...do you think when all this is over there might be a chance for, I don't know, something that's not fighting? I'd thought about a vineyard once, or an art gallery...

Something lovely and harmless.

[beees]

[Castiel accepts the bottle and takes a drink from it. It's sweet, but strong, and it doesn't take him long to decide he likes it enough to take a second drink as he mulls over Balthazar's question. He doubts there's any chance that he will be spending any significant amount of time away from Heaven after they defeat Raphael, but the whole point of allowing the angels free will means his brothers and sisters will be able to decide what they want to do. If some of them want to find a quiet space to settle down and do something a little more peaceful, then they will be free do so.]

Once Raphael is defeated, you will be able to do whatever you like.

[tryingitall]

Not just for me, though. [He insists softly, drinking his brandy.]

I mean, not that I expect you to run away with me. I know you'll have things you want to do. [Things he'll feel obligated to do.]

But you could visit. I know you. You like parks and quiet outdoors. You'd love a little orchard.

[beees]

You're right, I would enjoy an orchard; and I would visit, as often as I could, of course.

[He had been hoping that with Raphael defeated, there would be - mostly - an end to the fighting. Or the fighting between siblings, at least. He never really thought Balthazar would look for something else to do.] You could stay, you know.

[tryingitall]

Stay...where? You mean in Heaven? [He's...not so sure about that. It would be different with Castiel in charge, no doubt. Better, he thinks.

But as much as Balthazar trusts Cas, he's reluctant to put trust in the rest of his siblings. They're broken. All of them, him and Castiel included.

He wants to believe Cas can make the fighting stop--and part of him does think if it can be done, it can only be done by an angel like sweet, valiant, well-meaning Castiel--but he's still afraid. And that won't change easily.]

[beees]

Of course. Why not? [He understands why Balthazar left, of course. Too much loss, too much infighting, all things Castiel is hoping they'll be able to change once Raphael is defeated.]

Everything is going to be much different once Raphael is gone. I know some of our siblings don't understand the concept of free will particularly well. But you do. You could be very helpful. [Indirect though it may be, it's Castiel's way of admitting he doesn't want Balthazar to go and also will likely need his help.]

[tryingitall]

Cas. [It's a small protest, almost a sigh, and slowly he turns his head to rest his forehead on his brother's shoulder.]

I want to help you. You know I do. [He wouldn't be here if that weren't the case, after all. There are a number of times he could have run from Castiel's side since this particular war began, and he hasn't yet, though he's considered it and hated himself for it.]

I don't know if I can go back to Heaven. Even thinking about it...I'm afraid.

[beees]

[Castiel's arm leaves Balthazar's waist, and settles around his shoulders instead, so he can gently stroke his hair.]

I know you want to help, and you certainly have done that. We never would have gotten this far without you. [There's a very faint smile as he tilts his head to lean it against Balthazar's.] Who else would I have been able to trust to unsink the Titanic?

[He nestles the bottle of apple brandy into the sand beside him and wraps his other arm around Balthazar as well.] What scares you about returning to Heaven once we've defeated Raphael?

[tryingitall]

[Oh. Well, that's an unexpected treat! Balthazar has a fleeting thought that he should feel his dignity wounded at being petted like a golden retriever. He abandons it quickly, though. That feels good.

He nudges his forehead against Castiel's, smiling a little and hugging back. There's a hint of wistfulness in his face and his voice, but the contact is grounding, particularly after where they've been.]

Other angels. Cassi...I told you the fighting will never stop, and I still believe that. Our Father made us to be warriors first and foremost; that we're brothers and sisters also was an afterthought. If we're not fighting demons, we'll just tear one another apart. And I can't bear it. I know I can't.

[beees]

[Castiel's fingers curl, running through Balthazar's hair and massaging his scalp. He shifts slightly, adjusting his wings around them, careful not to knock over the bottle beside him.

He lets his forehead rest against Balthazar's, returning the small smile. The topic might not be the most pleasant, but curled up on the beach, cuddling with the brother he doesn't admit is his favourite, there's nowhere he'd rather be.]

Then those that want to fight can fight demons. They're certainly not in short supply. As long as there's something to be united against, the other angels won't fight each other.

[tryingitall]

Oh, Castiel. [That touch feels good, decadent, better than liquor. Balthazar still has his doubts, of course, but with wings around him and Castiel's smile warming his skin like a sunbeam, it's not hard to dismiss them.]

I don't know that it's that simple, but if you want me to, I'll try. I've been following you of late, anyway, I might as well just keep tagging along for the rest of eternity, hm? [It's more meant to be a tease than a romantic declaration, but...well. There it is.]

[beees]

[Castiel continues the massage, fingers moving in small circles against Balthazar's scalp.]

I'd like you to try, yes. At least for a little while. Once we're no longer needed, we can go find your art gallery, or vineyard, or whatever else you would prefer. [He pauses briefly, considering his words.] In light of what we've both experienced, I'd rather we not be separated.

[tryingitall]

[Balthazar's eyes drift closed slowly in contentment at the attention. Not just his vessel's eyes, in fact--the myriad eyes of his trueform fall half-shut in contentment, Grace thrumming with it.]

Mmm. 'In light of what we've experienced'...you're still trying to protect me, aren't you?

If all of Heaven were like you, the fighting really would stop. We'd all be looking out for one another.

[beees]

[Castiel's fingers make their way to the back of Balthazar's neck.]

We should all be looking out for one another. We need to be able to rely on each other, not just because we're siblings, but also because it is very difficult to work together against a common enemy when we're also fighting each other.

[tryingitall]

Just because we're siblings should be enough. [Balthazar grumbles a little, but it's hard to be upset with Castiel doing that to the back of his neck. His feathers rustle, wings shivering.]

I suppose it bothers me that it isn't. Not sure that will change. I don't understand why what seems so obvious and vital to me isn't obvious to everyone else. [He sighs and shifts gingerly, head resting on Castiel's shoulder now.] It's been very frustrating.

[But Cas is still a bright spot, somehow. Prone to emotional restraint, but also prone to high ideals, sibling bonds among them. Balthazar places one of his hands between his brother's shoulderblades, bracing and rubbing lethargically.]

[beees]

Of course it should be enough, but there are more reasons for those who don't agree. [He thinks that over, fingers still rubbing at the back of Balthazar's neck.] Although I suppose human siblings fight quite a bit as well.

[He tilts his head to lean against Balthazar's and lets his eyes drift partially shut.] It could change. It should change. There's plenty of sensible arguments as to why we shouldn't be fighting each other. We can set a good example for the others.

[tryingitall]

They do. [He smiles a little. The Winchesters are his most concrete model of human brotherhood, and while he doesn't hate them the way he pretends to, he's not exactly inclined to view them as a shining example. Still, they're devoted to one another, in their broken, co-dependent way. Perhaps angels aren't as far off from that as he fears?

He dares to nuzzle against Cas' shoulder, sighing.] I don't do sensible, Castiel. You'll have to be sensible. I'll be...whatever I am. Annoying and sentimental. Perhaps we balance each other out.