ʙᴏᴛʜ ɪɴ ʜᴇʟʟ

[sockdere]

ʙᴏᴛʜ ɪɴ ʜᴇʟʟ Of all the places in this world, there's nowhere worse you could be than where you are now. You're in hell - metaphorically or literally - and laying down and just dying seems more and more like the valid action to take. But you can't go any lower and death could be a no escape. There's only one thing keeping you from being a jaded, broken husk: you've fallen in love with someone who shares this fate. It's a love so different than the norm, that only those who've known this desolation can fathom. Perhaps they give you hope, they're an innocent worth keeping safe, they showed you unexpected kindness, or they're simply something to cling to. No matter what, you'll protect them and you wouldn't dream of leaving this place without them. They will leave, though... ...even if you don't. ☣ ＣＯＭＭＥＮＴ． ＩＮＦＯ． ＰＲＥＦＥＲＥＮＣＥＳ． ☣ ＲＥＰＬＹ ＴＯ ＯＴＨＥＲＳ． ☣ ＴＨＲＥＡＤ. ＣＡＰＴＵＲＥＤ → For a crime you committed or not, you're in a prison. ＶＡＬＵＥ → Something about you is worth quite a deal to the wrong person. ＳＣＩＥＮＴＩＦＩＣ → You're nothing but an experiment, a lab rat. ＰＥＲＳＥＣＵＴＥＤ → Your mistreatment is not because of what you've done. It's for who you are. ＦＲＥＡＫＳＨＯＷ → All of your oddities are on display for the amusement of others. ＦＯＲＣＥ → You have to do horrible things, though not of your own will or design. ＲＡＣＫ → There's not just isolation or imprisonment on your plate - there's physical torture as well. ＢＲＩＭＳＴＯＮＥ → "Hell" is no hyperbole; you're in the fiery pit itself. ＷＩＬＤＣＡＲＤ

Comments

[tryingitall]

Stay...where? You mean in Heaven? [He's...not so sure about that. It would be different with Castiel in charge, no doubt. Better, he thinks.

But as much as Balthazar trusts Cas, he's reluctant to put trust in the rest of his siblings. They're broken. All of them, him and Castiel included.

He wants to believe Cas can make the fighting stop--and part of him does think if it can be done, it can only be done by an angel like sweet, valiant, well-meaning Castiel--but he's still afraid. And that won't change easily.]

[beees]

Of course. Why not? [He understands why Balthazar left, of course. Too much loss, too much infighting, all things Castiel is hoping they'll be able to change once Raphael is defeated.]

Everything is going to be much different once Raphael is gone. I know some of our siblings don't understand the concept of free will particularly well. But you do. You could be very helpful. [Indirect though it may be, it's Castiel's way of admitting he doesn't want Balthazar to go and also will likely need his help.]

[tryingitall]

Cas. [It's a small protest, almost a sigh, and slowly he turns his head to rest his forehead on his brother's shoulder.]

I want to help you. You know I do. [He wouldn't be here if that weren't the case, after all. There are a number of times he could have run from Castiel's side since this particular war began, and he hasn't yet, though he's considered it and hated himself for it.]

I don't know if I can go back to Heaven. Even thinking about it...I'm afraid.

[beees]

[Castiel's arm leaves Balthazar's waist, and settles around his shoulders instead, so he can gently stroke his hair.]

I know you want to help, and you certainly have done that. We never would have gotten this far without you. [There's a very faint smile as he tilts his head to lean it against Balthazar's.] Who else would I have been able to trust to unsink the Titanic?

[He nestles the bottle of apple brandy into the sand beside him and wraps his other arm around Balthazar as well.] What scares you about returning to Heaven once we've defeated Raphael?

[tryingitall]

[Oh. Well, that's an unexpected treat! Balthazar has a fleeting thought that he should feel his dignity wounded at being petted like a golden retriever. He abandons it quickly, though. That feels good.

He nudges his forehead against Castiel's, smiling a little and hugging back. There's a hint of wistfulness in his face and his voice, but the contact is grounding, particularly after where they've been.]

Other angels. Cassi...I told you the fighting will never stop, and I still believe that. Our Father made us to be warriors first and foremost; that we're brothers and sisters also was an afterthought. If we're not fighting demons, we'll just tear one another apart. And I can't bear it. I know I can't.

[beees]

[Castiel's fingers curl, running through Balthazar's hair and massaging his scalp. He shifts slightly, adjusting his wings around them, careful not to knock over the bottle beside him.

He lets his forehead rest against Balthazar's, returning the small smile. The topic might not be the most pleasant, but curled up on the beach, cuddling with the brother he doesn't admit is his favourite, there's nowhere he'd rather be.]

Then those that want to fight can fight demons. They're certainly not in short supply. As long as there's something to be united against, the other angels won't fight each other.

[tryingitall]

Oh, Castiel. [That touch feels good, decadent, better than liquor. Balthazar still has his doubts, of course, but with wings around him and Castiel's smile warming his skin like a sunbeam, it's not hard to dismiss them.]

I don't know that it's that simple, but if you want me to, I'll try. I've been following you of late, anyway, I might as well just keep tagging along for the rest of eternity, hm? [It's more meant to be a tease than a romantic declaration, but...well. There it is.]

[beees]

[Castiel continues the massage, fingers moving in small circles against Balthazar's scalp.]

I'd like you to try, yes. At least for a little while. Once we're no longer needed, we can go find your art gallery, or vineyard, or whatever else you would prefer. [He pauses briefly, considering his words.] In light of what we've both experienced, I'd rather we not be separated.

[tryingitall]

[Balthazar's eyes drift closed slowly in contentment at the attention. Not just his vessel's eyes, in fact--the myriad eyes of his trueform fall half-shut in contentment, Grace thrumming with it.]

Mmm. 'In light of what we've experienced'...you're still trying to protect me, aren't you?

If all of Heaven were like you, the fighting really would stop. We'd all be looking out for one another.

[beees]

[Castiel's fingers make their way to the back of Balthazar's neck.]

We should all be looking out for one another. We need to be able to rely on each other, not just because we're siblings, but also because it is very difficult to work together against a common enemy when we're also fighting each other.

[tryingitall]

Just because we're siblings should be enough. [Balthazar grumbles a little, but it's hard to be upset with Castiel doing that to the back of his neck. His feathers rustle, wings shivering.]

I suppose it bothers me that it isn't. Not sure that will change. I don't understand why what seems so obvious and vital to me isn't obvious to everyone else. [He sighs and shifts gingerly, head resting on Castiel's shoulder now.] It's been very frustrating.

[But Cas is still a bright spot, somehow. Prone to emotional restraint, but also prone to high ideals, sibling bonds among them. Balthazar places one of his hands between his brother's shoulderblades, bracing and rubbing lethargically.]

[beees]

Of course it should be enough, but there are more reasons for those who don't agree. [He thinks that over, fingers still rubbing at the back of Balthazar's neck.] Although I suppose human siblings fight quite a bit as well.

[He tilts his head to lean against Balthazar's and lets his eyes drift partially shut.] It could change. It should change. There's plenty of sensible arguments as to why we shouldn't be fighting each other. We can set a good example for the others.

[tryingitall]

They do. [He smiles a little. The Winchesters are his most concrete model of human brotherhood, and while he doesn't hate them the way he pretends to, he's not exactly inclined to view them as a shining example. Still, they're devoted to one another, in their broken, co-dependent way. Perhaps angels aren't as far off from that as he fears?

He dares to nuzzle against Cas' shoulder, sighing.] I don't do sensible, Castiel. You'll have to be sensible. I'll be...whatever I am. Annoying and sentimental. Perhaps we balance each other out.

[beees]

It wasn't that long ago that we weren't fighting each other like this. It wasn't always this bad. The others will remember, as long as we give them reason to.

[He wraps his arm back around Balthazar's shoulders and plants a light kiss on the top of his head.] You're not annoying. Sentimental, perhaps, yes; and we do compliment each other well.

[tryingitall]

[If angels could purr, he'd purr at that kiss.] That's why you're my favorite, you know. You keep me steady. You have for thousands of years. I couldn't love you more if our Father popped in to order me, specifically, to do just that.

[Talk about sentimental. And he isn't even drunk yet!] But are you sure I'm not even a little bit annoying? I try so hard.

[beees]

[Castiel rests his head back against Balthazar's, letting his eyes drift partially closed in contentment.]

You know I feel the same way about you, don't you? Even though I don't say it. That's why I don't find you annoying, even though you clearly do try.

[tryingitall]

I thought you might, but I wasn't sure. I like fooling other people, but I'd prefer not to fool myself. [He chuckles softly, feeling nothing but bliss and the mild buzz of brandy.]

But since you've just confirmed it, I know now. [He reaches for the bottle, trying not to dislodge them from this very comfortable cuddle pile. He does feel he needs to be a little drunker for this level of emotion, though. Possibly Cas does, too.]

[beees]

[Castiel grabs his bottle and takes a long drink. That sort of confession definitely requires a follow up with a lot more alcohol.]

I would have said something sooner, but the time was never right, and we've always been otherwise occupied.

[tryingitall]

Mm. We're celestial warriors who aren't even technically designed for free will. Of course we were otherwise occupied. [He takes a swig from his bottle and grins, giddy from the exchange.

Hell, maybe they'll continue to be otherwise occupied, but at least he knows what he feels goes two ways. That's a fair sight better than he'd hoped.]

Let me preen your wings for you, Cas? Before I get too drunk to enjoy it.

[beees]

Maybe God intended for us to discover free will on our own all along. The times he intervened, after all, were while we were trying to stop the Apocalypse.

[It helps encourage him, this belief that God has helped them because they're on the right path, and doing what He had always intended them to do. Castiel prefers that explanation for why God left in the first place too - Maybe leaving Heaven was a way to force the angels to figure out how to stand on their own.

The offer drags his attention back to Balthazar. It's been a long time since anyone's preened his wings for him, and there's no denying that, especially after their ordeal, his feathers are in pretty sorry shape.]

All right. Thank you. I'll look after yours after.

[He's comfortable enough, curled up together, that it takes him a few moments to unwrap his wings from around them and stretch them out with a good shake, before shifting so his back is facing Balthazar.]

[tryingitall]

[Where, he wants to know, does Castiel get this boundless well of philosophical optimism? Balthazar still can't help but think He gave up on the lot of them. Whether that was deserved on their part or not, he can't be sure, but to a certain extent he feels deceived, betrayed by...he's not even sure what. The archangels, or the Host itself, maybe.

But Cas he can trust. He ruffles the other angel's hair gently, but says nothing for the moment. He'll try to look at it his brother's way, at least for now. It's a kinder outlook.

The flash of wings makes him feel better altogether. He's missed wing preening, and the dark iridescence of Cas' feathers is one of the prettiest sights he knows of.]

Mmm. I'll take you up on that if you're not careful. You're all rumpled, but still glossy...let's see... [He starts with the primaries, relaxing into the task at once. It's strangely meditative.]

[beees]

[Castiel runs a hand through his hair to push it somewhat back into place, but otherwise lets the ruffling slide. He's feeling a minor, but pleasant buzz from the alcohol, it's warm, beautiful, and they're free. There's not much that's going to faze him.]

I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. You need it just as much as I do, I imagine.

[He relaxes as Balthazar goes to work on his wings, and takes another drink from his bottle. His eyes close and he sighs contentedly.]

[tryingitall]

[Since when is Castiel's hair ever in place? Not that Balthazar's is either, but he likes his ruffled like he's just rolled out of bed. The I-have-a-mild-hangover look should not be attractive, but somehow it gets him a lot of mileage.]

I definitely need it. I need your hands all over my wings. [He teases gently, deliberately making an innuendo of it.

His own hands are gentle, though, and precise in the attentions they administer. He smooths one feather at a time, then strokes them flat with his palms, working from the far end of the wing in closer to Castiel's back. Partway through he starts to lean against him lazily, though.]

[beees]

[There's ruffled, then there's totally disheveled. Or at least, this is the argument he would make, when truthfully, it's more just about undoing Balthazar's mess.]

Unless you've been looking after them yourself when I haven't been paying attention.[That might be an innocent comment, or maybe not.

Castiel rests one hand in the sand as Balthazar leans against him.] Hmm. That already feels better. Thank you.

[tryingitall]

No, it's no fun just doing them myself. [He's not sure whether Cas is being playful or not, but he'll run with it, either way.]

And it feels better because I have magic fingers. [He almost purrs the words, but he's more being silly than being sultry just now, and he's aware of it. He does pause to nuzzle the nape of Castiel's neck, though, just because it's there, then works his way out along the other wing, in no hurry.

In between preening, though, he's drinking, possibly at a higher rate than his brother. Apple brandy is a little sweeter than what he's used to consuming; it goes down very easily, indeed. It'll take another couple bottles to make him tipsy, but he's starting to feel a very welcome buzz.]

Your wings are smoother than most, you know. Silky. Has anyone ever told you that?