bakerstreet | (no subject)

(no subject)

JEALOUSY

Everyone feels jealous at one point or another, whether it's justified or not. What's important is how we deal with it... do we discuss it, fight about it, or plan epic revenge to carry out?

- Post with your character's name/series in the subject as well as any preferences.

- Others go to RNG and roll from 1-10, then respond!

- Play it out!

1 → wandering eye.

You think your lover has been looking at other's a little too often or flirting too much in your company. You can't keep quiet any longer about it.

2 → simple life

Your friend, family, or lover has always had it so much easier and you can't help but feel a little put off.

3 → don't you forget about me

Your friend or lover has found someone new they want to spend almost all their time with and you can't help but feel a little cheated.

4 → cheated

Forget just a sneaking suspicion. You've caught your lover in the act of cheating and it's driving you nuts. You have to confront them about it.

5 → for the glory

You did all the work, or at least you feel like you did, so why do they always get all the praise?

6 → moved on

You broke up or had a falling out with someone close to you and it's killing you to see how they've seemed to let go and you're stuck standing in place.

7 → because i want you

You're jealous of any attention they get because you're secretly in love with them. Time to make it known!

8 → always the favorite

Everyone always praises them or they were clearly the favorite child or just more popular with friends. You can't help but hate it.

9 → more experience

they're more experienced, either in the bedroom or in the office. Any activity, they outshine you. Who wouldn't feel a little inferior?

10 → your choice!

Didn't see something listed? Use your own idea!

originally posted by

bottecellie

[Unknown site tag]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ If what’s transpired previously this evening is any indication, staying is likely a colossal mistake. It opens the door for Steve to say things he doesn’t want to want to say, things he thinks that he’s got a handle on but knows that in the heat of the moment, he can’t always rely on himself to keep quiet. At this stage, he thinks that it’s better for both of them to have a little space; for him to cool off and get his emotions back in order and for TJ to figure out what the hell he actually wants. Not that he wants to leave—what Steve wants has played very little in tonight’s proceedings—but rather that he believes it the best course of action of the meager options available.

He hears the curse and the sound of his name a moment later, but that isn’t enough to make him stop. Steve’s been playing the selectively deaf and dumb card since waking up in the future; he’s not above resorting to it now. But then he hears footsteps approaching and he feels the catch at his arm, and even though it wouldn’t be difficult to shrug TJ off and keep going, he doesn’t. It’s tempting. The prospect of having to argue with him some more, of being blamed—possibly warranted—for the evening’s failure to be entertaining, of TJ’s largely callous-seeming disregard for how he feels makes Steve’s stomach twist unpleasantly.

But he does love him, so much that he often doesn’t know how to handle the intensity of it, and if he can’t suppress his personal feelings for someone he loves, when he can do it for the countless strangers he meets during the course of a mission, then there are some serious problems that he needs to address with himself. Steve doesn’t turn to look at him, he can’t bring himself to do that just yet, but he does stop. He stops, takes a deep breath to try to center himself, and lets it out.

It takes him a few seconds before he’s confident that he can trust himself to speak, and then he has to run it through his mind a few times, just to make sure that nothing he doesn’t want voiced unexpectedly works its way into it. ]

I don’t want to fight with you. [ He keeps his voice low and quiet, his eyes focused on a spot of nothing some distance away. ] But I’m not sure that I know how not to right now. [ He doesn’t say that he’s angry because he knows that TJ already knows. And he doesn’t say that he’s hurt because he doesn’t think he really cares. ] So you’re going to have to tell me what you need, because I’m not in the right mind to guess.

[ He's grateful that Steve stopped, but now comes the hard part. Cemented into fact further by what Steve says. What is he supposed to do now? How is he supposed to respond in any sort of logical way? He's got no fucking clue. And that is made all the more obvious by the silence that follows. Still, he doesn't let go, he needs to keep hold of Steve. That seems as if it's the most important thing. ]

I don't know.

[ It's blurted out before he can stop himself, but it's the absolute truth. And, after it's said, TJ finds that he's not embarrassed about it as he thought he might be. Only slightly does he feel a little stupid, so... that's progress. Right?

TJ moves closer, sliding both hands around one of Steve's, cradling it between his palms, but he doesn't move to force himself into Steve's line of sight. At least, not yet. ]

I don't... know what to do. I'm used to arguing and yelling when things get all fucked up. Talking... [ A harsh exhale puffs his cheeks. ] about things isn't exactly on the Hammond agenda. But we should. Talk. I guess. [ He winces, squeezing Steve's hand. ] No, I mean, we should.

[ This time, he does lean a little closer, trying to see Steve's face. ]

It's healthy to fight sometimes, you know? So. Will you just come up to the room for now so we can have some privacy?

[ The petty—and Steve can be extraordinarily petty, he doesn’t know why anyone thinks that he’s some perfect paragon of all that’s kind and good and above reproach—part of him wants to snidely ask if going back to the room with TJ is going to get him called a sheep again. It wants to press for more details about where exactly the line is between doing what TJ wants and getting praised for it and doing what he wants only to be ridiculed for it. It is, that pettiness insists, a legitimate question.

But Steve doesn’t ask it or doesn’t comment on it, even though the effort not to do so takes an enormous amount of willpower. Because he’d meant what he said a moment ago. He doesn’t want to fight with him, and as satisfying as it would be on some level to lash out with the fact that TJ can’t have it both ways without being a hypocrite, he knows that it won’t be conducive to getting them beyond the argument and fixing whatever it is that’s gone wrong between them.

And he thinks, though he isn’t in the right frame of mind to tell for certain, that TJ’s being honest with him with what he says. There’s a candidness in the way he explains his history with arguing that lends itself toward believability. Steve can’t repay that with being a spiteful, immature brat. ]

Yeah. [ He nods, a short bob of his head. And briefly, his eyes glance sideways at TJ. He doesn’t hold it for very long, but it is acknowledgement, even if he looks away again shortly afterward. ] I’ll come up to the room.

[ If they are going to talk, he doesn’t want to do it here where anyone could stumble upon them. Turning, he aims for the elevators instead of the door. He doesn’t make a motion to actually hold TJ’s hand, but he doesn’t pull his hand away from TJ’s either. He just starts walking. ]

Come on.

[ Well, that's something. Steve agreed, at least. That's what he wanted. He thinks, anyway. The chill that's in the air between them isn't really something TJ's all that used to. Even with his family it doesn't go this way. They fight like wolves, and then that's that. TJ's usually the one walking away. Having that thrown back in his face—and by the one person he actually trusts and loves... Well, it's not that great of a feeling.

Steve does nothing to actively pull away, but TJ lets his own hold drop as they head toward the elevator. The overwhelming feeling he's getting that it's not welcome leads him to doing so even if it's not what he wants. But, he's not going to push where he's not wanted. So, after pushing the button to call the elevator down, he shoves his hands in his pockets.

While they wait, his own petty thoughts run through his mind, not even realizing it's nothing but self-pity. He wonders if this will lead to Steve finally seeing what kind of person he is and what a terrible mistake he's made in staying with him this long. When they get on and he pushes the button for their floor, he wonders if he's just cursed. Maybe he's just not meant for long-term relationships. He was kind of an idiot to agree, and he told Steve before he wasn't really the type to settle down. The entire ride up to the room, TJ doesn't even look over at Steve or glance at his reflection. He resolutely stares at the numberpad, chewing idly on the inside of his lip.

He's had more fun elevator rides in his life.

By the time they get to the room, he's an anxious wreck, angry because he's being forced to act how he wouldn't normally. Again, it's all out of irrationality, but that's just how things are going to be. TJ's old enough to know better, but he absolutely doesn't give a shit, either. Once they're inside and the door is safely shut behind them, he turns a light on, tosses the key on an end table, shrugs his jacket off and tosses it over the back of the couch before taking a seat.

It's now he looks at Steve, again with carefully schooled features, and makes a gesture with his hand. ]

Okay. Let me have it.

[ Staying was a mistake. He figures that out while they're waiting for the elevator and the ride up—tense and uncomfortable and spent not looking at each other—just confirms it. He should've left. He should've given them space. And maybe... He doesn't know where that thought's going and ends up floundering before it ever reaches a conclusion. There are no quick fixes, no magic words that make everything better, no way to erase what's been said and done. Life has taught him that lesson far too well to pretend otherwise.

The ride up to their floor seems interminable. Steve stands there, back straight, unconsciously falling into parade rest because he doesn't know what else to do with his hands and he doesn't want to stand there and fidget. He watches the numbers tick their way upward, like a backwards countdown that might lead him to answers, but all it does is deposit them, silent and uncomfortable, on their floor. The walk to the room feels like a court martial, and as Steve walks in, he loosens the knot of his tie. That's it, the only concession to comfort he makes. The suit jacket stays on, still buttoned. Now that he's up here, he could change into something more him, and more appropriate to the trip home if he needs to make it after all, but he doesn't move toward the closet where he'd hung his clothes earlier.

He drifts to the edge of the room and leans against the wall, letting his head fall back against it. The temptation's there to close his eyes, like a coward wanting to block out a particularly unpleasant scene he knows he won't want to witness, but he doesn't do it. Can't do it. Not when TJ breaks the silence and draws his attention. Steve's brow is pinched, lips pulled thin in an uncertain frown. ]

What? [ The confusion lasts only for a second. His face clears as understanding dawns and he shakes his head, lifting a hand to rub the heel of his palm over his forehead. ] No, that's not...

[ He doesn't know what to say, knows that it's just going to be rejected and thrown back in his face. But he's here and he's got to say something, otherwise it's likely that they're just going to sit here uncomfortably until TJ gets sick of it and leaves himself. He looks at him though, sitting there on the couch, looking like he just doesn't care, and what he intends to say shrivels up on his tongue. ]

I just—I don't know what to say. There are things I want to say, but I'm obviously not doing so well at communicating tonight, and I really don't want to make this worse than it already is.

[ He's so out of his scope. He's out of his element so far with this that TJ is drawing more than one blank. What he's supposed to do, he has no fucking clue. Everyone he's ever cared about has yelled at him, pointed out his many flaws, thrown everything back in his face. That is what he knows how to handle, that he can work with.

This? This is a whole new world that he doesn't think he's ready to or wants to explore.

The fact that he's doing his level best to not let any emotion be displayed on his face is off-putting and making Steve think that he doesn't care goes unknown. TJ doesn't even think about it. It's just what he does when he doesn't want anyone to know he's hurt. Coupled with the fact he knows he has no real reason to be hurt, well, he definitely wants to keep that off his face.

TJ's brows furrow as he looks at Steve in a moment of silence. A deep breath is taken, drawn in to help keep himself steady. What Steve says indicates the things he wants to say could be considered hurtful. Great. TJ straightens his spine, steeling himself for the brunt of whatever Steve could say. He would wager that anything he says he's either heard before or he's heard worse. ]

No, go on. That's why I wanted to come up here. Say what you want to. Standing around not talking isn't going to solve anything. So, let's go.

[ Talking about his feelings doesn’t come easily to Steve. He prefers to avoid doing so whenever possible, not wanting to be that vulnerable with strangers or too burdensome to those he cares about. It’s usually easier with TJ. He trusts TJ, feels comfortable with him, and usually he doesn’t feel like he’s being judged terribly harshly for the way he feels and the thinks he thinks. Opening up like that now, when TJ’s already dismissed his feelings and they’re angry with each other, is extraordinarily difficult.

But Steve hasn’t let himself back down from a fight since he was old enough to pick them. He isn’t going to start now. It’s hard, but he forces himself to meet what appears to be TJ’s indifferent expression and starts speaking, voice as even and controlled as he can make it. ]

I can tell you no. If you ever suggest doing something that I absolutely don’t want to do, TJ, I’m going to tell you no. I’m an adult. I haven’t let anyone make my decisions for me since I was about five years old. I’m way too old to change that now. [ He can think of half a dozen examples if it becomes necessary to give them. He doesn’t volunteer them, but he’s got them on standby. ]

But sometimes, in relationships, your partner asks you to do something that you’re not wild about or you’re unsure of or whatever, but you decide to try it. Because that’s what it’s about. Compromise. Trying something new. [ For a moment, the hard lines of his face soften. ] I know if you have a choice, you’d rather go dancing at your clubs with your kind of music than to some place that plays my old-fashioned tunes. But I also know that once in a while, if I asked, you’d go with me.

[ He makes a tiny gesture toward the ballroom, many floors beneath them. ] That’s what this was. No, I didn’t want to do this. And you knew that. I told you that. You knew how I felt, that’s why you reassured me about it so many times. But I knew it was something you wanted to do and even though I wasn’t crazy about it, I wanted to try it at least once. For you.

[ Now his voice hardens, a tad defensively. He hasn’t looked away from him. It’s hard to keep looking at him, but he’s gotten this far, he’s not looking away when he’s almost done. ]And I don’t care what you think, that doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me wrong or a jerk or inconsiderate to care enough about you to try to do something to make you happy. So go ahead and mock me for it all you want, it’s not going to change a damn thing.

Edited 2014-11-18 00:06 (UTC)

[ There are many things that leap to the tip of his tongue as Steve is speaking. Many, many things. Most of them paltry arguments and one big (very big) petty thing. TJ entertains the idea of blurting it out, asking Steve what he could possibly know about relationships when this is the first one he's ever been in. But, something, possibly the way he feels about Steve, stays his tongue. Which is probably TJ's one saving grace in that moment.

But, he's not used to this: talking like there's logic in feelings and actions. He's cruel and biting, loud and accusatory. It's incredibly rare that TJ finds his way to accepting blame outright and so soon. Even if he knows the other person is right. He just doesn't like facing his faults directly. And this is a big one.

By the time Steve finishes, confusion has taken over TJ's features. Maybe he should've thought a little more about his own reactions downstairs or even know with the composure he's had over his reactions. But, it doesn't even cross his mind. Most of the time it's simply second nature that has him doing things to protect himself from outside scrutiny.

TJ exhales, running his hand over his mouth while he attempts to figure out something to say that isn't being an asshole or a spoiled brat.

Suffice to say, it's a little difficult. So, he starts with something easy. ]

Why would you think I'd mock you? Or think you're a bad person for doing what I asked you to do?

[ It's not the awful kind of response that Steve's expecting. It's not cutting or cruel or judgmental, and for that, he's thankful. It allows some of the defensiveness to ratchet down a notch. But only a notch. Because while it isn't mean, it still makes him want to roll his eyes in aggravation. He doesn't, he's got more control over himself than that, but Steve's lips do thin a little and he levels a flat stare TJ's way that shows that he's not taken in by that attempt at ignorance. ]

You made it pretty clear downstairs that you mock me for it.

[ He's not going to forget the sheep comment. Even before the serum gave him a memory that refuses to let him forget, Steve's been able to recall with crystalline clarity all of the things people have said to and about him that support the theory that the world at large thinks Steve Rogers is a useless waste of space, when it remembers that he actually exists in the first place. ]

And that's fine, that's your prerogative. [ He waves it all away like it doesn't matter. Or like he's so used to that sort of thing that it hardly phases him anymore. ] My point is that I'm still going to do it. So you're going to have to accept it and trust that I will tell you no when I can't compromise. Because I will.

[ He's still not getting it. Not even a little bit. TJ makes the attempt to recall everything that happened downstairs to cobble something together that makes a lick of sense. It's taking him a little longer than necessary. Mostly because while he is a lot of things and does a lot of stupid things, he can't really fathom that Steve would actually believe he'd mock him seriously. Sure, he pokes fun at him from time to time, but it's done with affection because TJ actually cares about Steve. It kind of bites that he'd believe otherwise.

And the more TJ thinks about that, he does become a little angry.

He looks at Steve, head on now, because he's feeling stubborn enough and a little spiteful—it's clear he doesn't feel much at fault right now, otherwise he wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes. ]

Actually, I made nothing clear downstairs. So whatever this is, [ He makes a gesture in front of himself, indicating all of what Steve's just said. ] is inferring. But just so we are clear, I wouldn't mock you for your feelings. On anything. [ . . . ] Not seriously.

[ God. He needs a drink. A really big, stiff one. He's wishing he had more than champagne downstairs. This is just rapidly turning into a disaster. Even more so than downstairs since now things can get out of control. ]

I do trust you. More than I've trusted anyone.

[ Is he serious? Steve stares at him, assessing, and what he finds in TJ’s eyes, in his expression and his words, leaves him wanting to shake his head in helpless frustration. They’re never going to reach a resolution if they don’t address the problems between them, and they’re not going to be able to do that if TJ can’t even keep his story straight.

It makes Steve want to snap at him. Once again, he has to bite it back and take a breath. His fingers scratch through his hair again; when they leave it, pieces stay sticking up at odd angles, the hair products he’d used to try to coax it into a style mussed by his messing around with it. ]

Then what was it? [ His exasperation is evident in his voice, but he manages to keep most of the sharpness out of it through some miraculous effort of will. ] If calling me a sheep and berating me for trying to do something for you isn’t mocking me, what is it?

[ He really ought to let it go there. He means to. He tells himself he’s not going to keep talking. But the words crowding up in his throat take advantage of his open mouth and make a break for it before he can stop it from happening. ]

What do I need to do? [ Steve can’t stop the words once they’ve started, but he does catch himself starting to move away from the wall and forcibly slumps back against it again. ] If I’m doing something wrong or not doing enough, just tell me what I need to do to make you happy. Because this? Obviously this isn’t it.

Edited 2014-11-18 23:00 (UTC)

[ Okay, yes. A drink would be good right about now. Or... maybe something else. It's a little pathetic how TJ's body seems to react with the need, like he can feel the phantom vibrations in his teeth to have a hit. Which, is pathetic, he knows. Sometimes he wonders if he'll ever be over something like this, if the cravings will ever stop when the need arises to escape. Or if he'll always be saddled with the need.

A noise is made—something caught somewhere between a groan and a sound of exasperation. TJ knows it's not Steve's fault for taking that sort of statement at face value, there's nothing else to really counteract and point to the fact that TJ didn't mean it literally. His hands scrub over his face, the words muffled behind the palms of his hands. ]

Jesus Christ.

[ TJ sighs heavily, like heaving the breath from the pit of his stomach and emptying out his lungs in the process. If he'd have known the end of the night was going to turn out this way, he wouldn't have suggested they do this at all. ]

Steve, I didn't call you that. It was a general statement, meaning that I don't want you to act like that. Or start acting like that. It wasn't literal.

[ He shifts a little uncomfortably on the couch, unsure of how to broach the other part. For a second he pauses, chewing absently on the inside of his cheek. Then, he simply sighs again and looks down at his hands. ]

I can't tell you how to make me happy. I don't even know the answer to a question like that. [ It's been so long since TJ's truly been happy, he doesn't really know what that means anymore. But, he's certain he'd been on the right path since he met Steve. Things have been better, brighter, easier. And now things are getting muddled. ] It's not like you haven't been. This sort of thing just won't be done anymore. Which is why I said let's forget it to begin with.

[ That wasn’t what it had sounded like when he’d said it. There’s a part of Steve that doesn’t want to let it go, that knows that things said in anger are sometimes closer to the truth than what isn’t and he wants to press, dig until he finds out for sure whether that’s what TJ actually thinks of him or not. It’s easier to accept what he’s hearing now, easier and more aligned with what he wants to hear, and he’s never been able to settle for easy. But he doesn’t want to keep harping on it either. He hadn’t been lying downstairs; he doesn’t want to keep fighting with him and he knows that if he keeps on with this, the argument won’t end.

There’s a compromise here that, after he considers it for a moment, he thinks he can live with. Drop it now, take what TJ’s saying and let it go, and keep an eye on his own actions in the future, watch what he says and does with respect to TJ and adjust it accordingly if he strays into territory that might be deemed unacceptable.

And it becomes a little less important when he continues. To Steve’s ears, it sounds a little too bleak, too reminiscent of the way he’d felt after the ice, when he couldn’t even pick one thing that made him happy. Logically, he knows that he can’t take responsibility for TJ’s happiness, that he can’t fix the past and mend the wounds it left. But there’s a thread of hopelessness winding through him when he hears him say it like that anyway, like it’s still so far away that he’s never going to reach it. ]

I’m sorry. [ Faced with even a hint that TJ isn’t happy, beyond the disagreements of tonight, it’s rather easy to shoulder his own feelings aside, anger and hurt both pushed away to focus on someone other than himself. It’s what he does best and it’s simplicity itself when it’s for the sake of someone he loves. ] For everything.

[ He takes a step away from the wall. Then another. He moves slowly toward the couch, one painstakingly slow step at a time, eyes on TJ, trying to gauge whether his proximity is welcome. ]

I wish I wasn’t—I wish I fit in with today’s attitudes about things. I’m sorry that I don’t. That I can’t just… I would if I could. If I knew how to stop feeling the way I do about certain things, I would, but I don’t. [ He stops a few paces away, shrugging awkwardly. ] I’m sorry, TJ. I don’t know what else to say.

[ If TJ had felt guilty before, that's nothing compared to now. Steve is apologizing and TJ's stomach actually flips uncomfortably. It makes him feel bad. It makes him feel bad and he's not used to that at all. In fact, he doesn't really like it much. Right about now, he's seriously wishing they'd just fought hard, parted ways, then just moved on from it tomorrow or the next day. Sitting here listening to Steve apologize feels like punishment.

He'd feel even worse if he knew Steve was making those sorts of internal decisions without voicing them. That's exactly what TJ doesn't want. He doesn't want Steve holding his tongue, he doesn't want Steve making decisions about what's good or best for TJ without discussing it with TJ first. The more he relies on that thread of thinking, the quicker they're going to get into another argument. But, since he doesn't know, he can't voice those opinions. Only time will dredge up this argument again.

And next time, it likely won't be as simply as this one went.

TJ watches Steve move closer in his peripheral vision, not doing anything to discourage the closeness, though not exactly encouraging it, either. But, that's simply because he's too wrapped up in his own head, trying to figure out a way to make Steve take back those apologies. He's got half a mind to do a complete 180 right now and make them have a fight. No one does irrationality better than TJ Hammond. It'd be easy, too, to find something to push this into something intense. But, when he shifts his gaze to Steve, he just can't do it. The fight bleeds out of him, and TJ just deflates.

Eventually, though, he pushes up from where he's sitting and closes the remaining distance between them. Before he even realizes what he's doing, he reaches out with one hand to curl his fingers around Steve's wrist. ]

Don't apologize. [ He looks down for a second, staring at the floor and knowing he should apologize, but he just can't get his mouth to work and form the words. ] I shouldn't have made you feel like you needed to do it for me.

[ That's close enough, right? ]

I like how you are, Steve. If you weren't you, I probably wouldn't be into you as much as I am.

[ It isn't that Steve thinks that TJ's lying to him. He doesn't think that. But the memories of a lifetime of being overlooked and discarded and being found wanting, only to finally be worthy of attention after Erskine's serum, have been brought too close to the forefront of his mind and they're mingling too tightly with the events of the evening. With the image of the young man who'd captured TJ's attention and all of the things he knows of TJ's proclivities. And it's with the hurt he's refusing to deal with that he interprets the meaning of those words.

Oh, he likes how he is, Steve can't doubt that, but he knows what TJ really means. He knows that if he had bumped into him at that party months ago the way he used to be, skinny and short, with the twisted spine and the colorblind eyes and the lungs that never seemed to catch enough air, TJ never would have looked at him twice. Probably wouldn't have even noticed that he was there to look at him once. It's not Steve Rogers, the man who's still stupidly waiting to be looked at like he's the only person in the room, that TJ Hammond, still pursuing the next conquest as well as he's able without overstepping the boundaries of monogamy, wants, but Captain America, with the physique that's impressive enough to compensate for the restriction of only sleeping with one person.

And that's just the way it is. Because as long as TJ keeps finding him to be good enough, whatever the reason, Steve's not going anywhere. This is where he wants to be, and he'll take TJ however he can have him. So he doesn't address it, doesn't comment on it. He focuses on the first part of what TJ's said, replying to that and ignoring the rest. ]

You didn't. [ He lifts his other hand, the one not whose wrist isn't currently captured by TJ's fingers, and touches his arm. A second later, his hand flattens out and he slides his palm upward, over his bicep, until it comes to rest against the edge of his shoulder. ] You didn't make me feel like I had to do anything. Making a suggestion isn't coercion. I'm not blaming you for that. Please don't think that I am.

[ If Steve really took the time to think about things, he'd realize that the guy he was with tonight was a drop in the bucket. He was barely holding TJ's attention at all tonight. Truth of it is, is that even though he was flitting like the social butterfly the country thinks he is, his thoughts were on Steve the entire time. Nothing else mattered to him. Made all the more obvious by the fact he can't remember a single damn thing he talked about this evening. All he wanted was to be back with Steve, to see what results that little game would produce. And he hadn't really gotten what he wanted—this definitely wasn't how he wanted to end the evening—and he's pretty sure Steve hadn't either. But, there's nothing they can do about it except move forward.

The rest of it, however, might be a little harder to dispute. He's seen the pictures of Steve before the serum, knows what he looked like and what ailed him. But, when TJ looks at those pictures, he's looking at them through the eyes of a man in love. So, of course he'd say he'd still notice Steve. But, they have no way of knowing. (Then again, they've spoken of fate before, and maybe that would come into play if Steve wasn't the figure of manliness right in front of him. That something would've brought them together, anyway.) And he's absolutely told Steve before he's not interested in the whole Captain America business. That, at least, he could dispute until he ran out of breath. But, that's another argument for another day.

Instead, he lets the mask go, letting the emotions play over his face as if he's got control over them. It's not that he likes fighting, it's just it seems to happen more often than it doesn't. He and Steve don't even have many disagreements, and they haven't since the explosive fight about Bucky. Back then he'd almost let Steve go, he doesn't want something like this to get in the way. Taking the touch as a sign it's all right, he lets go of Steve's wrist just long enough to unbutton the jacket he's still got on, then TJ's slipping his hands underneath and wrapping around him. ]

No, I didn't think you were. Just... [ He trails off for a moment, trying to cobble together the random strings of thought that are getting tangled inside his mind. ] I don't know. Don't think you have to do something just because you think it'll make me happy. Trust me, I'm used to getting over disappointments. There's a thousand other things we can do that we'll both like. Okay?

[ This isn’t going to be the wedge that drives Steve away from him. There isn’t much that could, truth to tell. Neither his devotion nor his love is fickle; when he gives it, he gives it for life, and time and death and a lifetime of pain and horror isn’t enough to break it, as Bucky Barnes can attest. His feelings are hurt, he feels like he’s standing on unstable ground, but bruises heal and he’s always been tenacious. This too shall pass, and once it does, he’ll have learned from it.

He doesn’t shift away from TJ’s hands when he touches him further, holding still while he unbuttons his jacket and then, carefully, sliding his arms around TJ’s waist once he’s gotten himself settled. He wishes that the night hadn’t gone like this, that it would have been better, more fun, less emotionally upsetting. But at the same time, he knows that could have ended so much worse than this.

Maybe, he thinks, it’s a good thing he came up to the room after all. ]

Some things I won't know if I'll actually dislike or not until I try them. [ He says it quietly, voice far more gentle now than it has been since they left the party. ] I could be surprised. I have been before.

[ Taking a tiny, shuffling step forward, he draws TJ in a little closer and ducks his head, resting his cheek against his hair. ]

And beyond that, I don't want you to be disappointed. You've had enough disappointments in your life, TJ. I'd like it if I wasn't contributing to the number. [ He catches a wrinkle of TJ’s shirt between thumb and forefinger and smooths it out. ] If I hate something after I try it, or I absolutely refuse to do it, I'll tell you. I promise. Otherwise, I do want to try. There's nothing wrong with adding to the number of things we can do together that we enjoy.

[ To TJ, there's likely any number of things that could drive a wedge between them. He still thinks relationships are fragile things and any sudden movement could knock something out of place and break the truce his mind holds with his heart. He's stronger now, TJ knows that, and he knows he could survive if he were to lose Steve. But, he would absolutely hate it. After going so long without having someone to call his own or someone to claim him, it feels nice. As terrifying as this whole process has been, TJ's glad Steve has managed to stick things through.

When Steve closes that last bit of distance, TJ folds himself in flush, resting his cheek against Steve's chest. His fingers spread and he runs his hands up Steve's back and back down slowly. After a moment he lets his eyes fall closed, being selfish and just enjoying the press of their bodies together, letting the scents of Steve's soap and cologne and him meld together and infiltrate his senses. It's his favorite smell in the world, he thinks. ]

There's a difference in the kind of disappointments I've had and the disappointment of not getting something like this. That's small enough to not matter much. Because I'd know you're bothered by whatever it could be.

[ TJ shifts enough so he can look at Steve, pausing his words and lifting one hand up to begin to smooth down some of the stray akimbo hairs. A small smile toys with the corners of his lips because keeping this serious tone isn't exactly something he wants to do. ]

Don't tell anyone I'm making concessions for you; they'll expect the same in return. And I don't want to do that. I like you more than them.

[ He knows that there's a difference in what they're talking about. A large one. TJ being let down by his family and friends when he most needed their support isn't nearly the same as being denied a few hours of casual flirtation with random strangers. But there's something about denying him something harmless that will make him happy that rubs Steve the wrong way. And he knows, deep down, beneath the insecurity and hurt feelings, that what happened tonight was harmless. He knows that he can trust TJ and that he shouldn't feel the way he does.

What he doesn't know is how to stop. Maybe it's a pipe dream, hoping that the day will come when he'll be enough for someone else, but god, he wants it and he hasn't figured out how to deal with the little hints that he isn't. He isn't a flirtatious person by nature. He doesn't really understand how easily it comes to some or why it would be necessary to engage in such behavior if one was happily committed to someone else. He thinks he never will.

But he recognizes what TJ's doing, the shift away from the more serious undertones of the conversation to something lighter. He isn't ready to joke and banter as though nothing happened; even though he's ignoring his own feelings now, he's still too raw to go completely back to normal. Yet he can try, and he can let TJ maneuver them off in a less tumultuous direction. ]

Safeguarding confidential information is one of my specialties. [ The corner of Steve's mouth quirks upward in a tiny half-smile. He can feel TJ trying to corral his hair back into order and though he thinks it's probably a lost cause, he figures if anyone can, it's TJ Hammond. ] I think I can handle it.

[ He could add, jokingly, that he's pretty resistant to torture, but true though it is, that's darker and more morbid than he really wants to go right now. Plus, he's not sure if it will tank the mood that struggling so hard to rise. He's done that once tonight, he doesn't want to do it again. ]

Guess I'll have to work out a few concessions of my own in return. [ For a second, his fingertips trace upward along the curve of TJ's spine before stilling and pressing flat against his back. ] You want to make a few suggestions, I'm currently taking them.

[ While he knows they're not ready to slip back into the ease and comfort they've cultivated for themselves over the last few months, he can't take the heaviness in the air anymore and needs the levity to help him proceed. TJ's never really had much mind to have a healthy relationship, so he isn't sure what to do and what not to do sometimes. Definitely doesn't often realize when he needs to be comforting and reassuring, but that likely stems from his selfishness rather than inexperience in relationships.

Still, he is aware that he needs to do something. And the least he can do is try now that Steve's given him the opportunity.

TJ shifts his hands to bracket Steve's face, his thumbs already gently rubbing over the swell of his cheeks. For a few moments he remains silent, just watching him, searching for something that even he's not sure of just yet. ]

I'm not going to cheat on you.

[ The words are blurted out and not particularly what he wanted to say. But, now that he has, he's got to go with it and relate it to a bigger point. Or maybe that is the bigger point he needs to relate everything else to. What the hell does he know? ]

And I need you to understand that I'm not. Flirting doesn't mean anything, it's part of who I am and half the time I don't even know it's happening. [ He shrugs one shoulder as if that explains it. Sometimes he does it to get something he wants. That part gets left off. TJ's hands shift down to Steve's shoulders, fingers half-splaying down onto his biceps. ] If you see me doing it and it bothers you, tell me. If you see me doing anything that bothers you, tell me. Otherwise I'm not going to know. That's my only suggestion.

[ He’s not sure what’s coming when TJ takes his face between his hands. There’s something about it, the way he’s holding him, maybe, or the quiet with which he’s studying him, that warns against Steve opening his mouth and blurting out a question or a comment or anything else that might ruin the moment. It’s a little heavier, the look in TJ’s eyes, than he’s expecting from the earlier attempts at levity, but he bites his tongue and waits, wanting to hear what he has to say even if his silence prompts a faint thread of anxiety to coil through Steve’s stomach.

The reassurance is unexpected. So much so that it knocks loose a breath, a tiny little huff of an exhale that Steve had been holding without quite consciously realizing that he’d been doing it. He knows that. At least, he knows that TJ would never deliberately, maliciously do something like that to him. There’s a part of him that still doesn’t trust the clubs TJ frequents, the friends that he associates with, the availability of alcohol and drugs that can make a very bad idea seem like such a good one in the moment. But even he knows that that’s borrowing trouble, that that’s trying to control something he has no control over and that he can’t do that.

Just like he can’t ask TJ why, if it doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t stop flirting. Those six words—it's part of who I am—prevent him from going down that road. He wouldn’t ask TJ to change himself for him, wouldn’t want him to. This is just a part of him that he’s going to have to make peace with, and soon, he thinks, before it comes between them. ]

I understand. [ One side of his mouth turns up slightly, an echo of TJ’s shrug, as he flexes his fingers over his back. Just once. Just a brief back and forth motion over his shirt. ] And I will speak up if something starts bothering me.

[ But he hopes that it won’t come to that. That he’ll be able to work on himself, and on mastering the flashes of jealousy that he shoot through him sometimes, enough that it won’t come to that. TJ should be free to be who he is without Steve stifling to spare himself some hurt feelings. ]

I guess I’m just letting the past influence me more than it should. And that’s my fault. Not yours. I’m sorry for that. For putting you through that. It’s not fair and I’m going to work to stop doing it.

[ As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, and TJ Hammond having a stable relationship isn't going to happen in a month, three months, eight months, or maybe even a year. He's still got a lot of growing up to do, a lot of truths to face, and if he doesn't do either, he's going to wind up a very lonely old man. So, maybe it's his subconscious kicking into gear (and kicking his proverbial ass) to give him fleeting—so very fleeting—moments of clarity.

Surprisingly, now seems to be one of those times. ]

Steve. [ He huffs a sigh, hands tightening against Steve's arms. ] Stop.

[ It takes a moment or two for TJ to arrange his thoughts into order and how he wants to get this out without sounding like he's further placing any blame on Steve. Since... apparently, that is a problem right now. ]

Don't apologize. I'm not... [ He trails off for a moment, brows knitting together. ] Look, I'm not blaming you for any of this. Okay? So, there's nothing you need to apologize for. [ Giving a soft tsk, he looks a bit guilty before he just turns his gaze elsewhere. ] I should've thought about how this would affect you.

[ This is TJ's fault and he knows it is, but he doesn't want to actually say the words. ]

I forget, sometimes, that you weren't always... [ Lifting a hand he makes a gesture to encompass all of Steve. ] You know: this.

[ TJ tips his head back to look at the ceiling for a moment. Maybe a couple more. ]

I'm [ ......... ] sorry. [ He looks at Steve again though lowered lashes. ] This whole bad idea was my fault. Not yours.

[ On the contrary. Steve feels as though there’s a lot for which he needs to apologize. Yet because TJ’s asked him to be quiet and listen, he bites his tongue and tamps down on the instinctive urge to open his mouth and debate the finer points of whether he ought to shoulder any more of the blame. He doesn’t like shirking responsibility, shuffling it off onto others, and he doesn’t like making TJ feel guilty or at fault over minor, trivial things.

It hadn’t felt minor or trivial downstairs, but with time and distance, he’s beginning to think that it was. A bit of flirting. Some fairly innocent dancing, considering what passes for the art these days. The dashed hopes of a young man who had only the most fleeting brush with one of the handsome, charming members of the First Family. In the grand scheme of things, he shouldn’t have reacted the way that he did and he knows it.

He has to physically bite the inside of his lip not to respond immediately to TJ’s admission about forgetting that he hasn’t always been built like Captain America. A breath follows. Then another, as he silently counts backward from ten, gathering his thoughts, working through what it is that he wants to say that isn’t simply a kneejerk reaction. ]

I think… [ Gently, Steve touches the tips of his fingers to TJ’s cheek, running the pad of his forefinger over his skin. ] Look, maybe it was just too soon for it. I know you didn’t mean for it to go like this. I think we approach relationships differently and that sometimes, like tonight, it leads to friction. And it’s—I’m not blaming you, okay? I’m not angry anymore.

[ That’s largely true. Raw and unsettled, yes, but not angry. He smiles a little, a small thing that’s sturdier than it’s shaky. ]

Apology accepted. [ For a second, he presses his hand just a smidgen more firmly against TJ’s cheek in reassurance. ] It’s okay.

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