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bakerstreet2014-09-11 12:29 pm
(no subject)
JEALOUSY
Everyone feels jealous at one point or another, whether it's justified or not. What's important is how we deal with it... do we discuss it, fight about it, or plan epic revenge to carry out?
- Post with your character's name/series in the subject as well as any preferences.
- Others go to RNG and roll from 1-10, then respond!
- Play it out!
1 → wandering eye.
You think your lover has been looking at other's a little too often or flirting too much in your company. You can't keep quiet any longer about it.
2 → simple life
Your friend, family, or lover has always had it so much easier and you can't help but feel a little put off.
3 → don't you forget about me
Your friend or lover has found someone new they want to spend almost all their time with and you can't help but feel a little cheated.
4 → cheated
Forget just a sneaking suspicion. You've caught your lover in the act of cheating and it's driving you nuts. You have to confront them about it.
5 → for the glory
You did all the work, or at least you feel like you did, so why do they always get all the praise?
6 → moved on
You broke up or had a falling out with someone close to you and it's killing you to see how they've seemed to let go and you're stuck standing in place.
7 → because i want you
You're jealous of any attention they get because you're secretly in love with them. Time to make it known!
8 → always the favorite
Everyone always praises them or they were clearly the favorite child or just more popular with friends. You can't help but hate it.
9 → more experience
they're more experienced, either in the bedroom or in the office. Any activity, they outshine you. Who wouldn't feel a little inferior?
10 → your choice!
Didn't see something listed? Use your own idea!
bottecellie
no subject
It makes Steve want to snap at him. Once again, he has to bite it back and take a breath. His fingers scratch through his hair again; when they leave it, pieces stay sticking up at odd angles, the hair products he’d used to try to coax it into a style mussed by his messing around with it. ]
Then what was it? [ His exasperation is evident in his voice, but he manages to keep most of the sharpness out of it through some miraculous effort of will. ] If calling me a sheep and berating me for trying to do something for you isn’t mocking me, what is it?
[ He really ought to let it go there. He means to. He tells himself he’s not going to keep talking. But the words crowding up in his throat take advantage of his open mouth and make a break for it before he can stop it from happening. ]
What do I need to do? [ Steve can’t stop the words once they’ve started, but he does catch himself starting to move away from the wall and forcibly slumps back against it again. ] If I’m doing something wrong or not doing enough, just tell me what I need to do to make you happy. Because this? Obviously this isn’t it.
no subject
A noise is made—something caught somewhere between a groan and a sound of exasperation. TJ knows it's not Steve's fault for taking that sort of statement at face value, there's nothing else to really counteract and point to the fact that TJ didn't mean it literally. His hands scrub over his face, the words muffled behind the palms of his hands. ]
Jesus Christ.
[ TJ sighs heavily, like heaving the breath from the pit of his stomach and emptying out his lungs in the process. If he'd have known the end of the night was going to turn out this way, he wouldn't have suggested they do this at all. ]
Steve, I didn't call you that. It was a general statement, meaning that I don't want you to act like that. Or start acting like that. It wasn't literal.
[ He shifts a little uncomfortably on the couch, unsure of how to broach the other part. For a second he pauses, chewing absently on the inside of his cheek. Then, he simply sighs again and looks down at his hands. ]
I can't tell you how to make me happy. I don't even know the answer to a question like that. [ It's been so long since TJ's truly been happy, he doesn't really know what that means anymore. But, he's certain he'd been on the right path since he met Steve. Things have been better, brighter, easier. And now things are getting muddled. ] It's not like you haven't been. This sort of thing just won't be done anymore. Which is why I said let's forget it to begin with.
no subject
There’s a compromise here that, after he considers it for a moment, he thinks he can live with. Drop it now, take what TJ’s saying and let it go, and keep an eye on his own actions in the future, watch what he says and does with respect to TJ and adjust it accordingly if he strays into territory that might be deemed unacceptable.
And it becomes a little less important when he continues. To Steve’s ears, it sounds a little too bleak, too reminiscent of the way he’d felt after the ice, when he couldn’t even pick one thing that made him happy. Logically, he knows that he can’t take responsibility for TJ’s happiness, that he can’t fix the past and mend the wounds it left. But there’s a thread of hopelessness winding through him when he hears him say it like that anyway, like it’s still so far away that he’s never going to reach it. ]
I’m sorry. [ Faced with even a hint that TJ isn’t happy, beyond the disagreements of tonight, it’s rather easy to shoulder his own feelings aside, anger and hurt both pushed away to focus on someone other than himself. It’s what he does best and it’s simplicity itself when it’s for the sake of someone he loves. ] For everything.
[ He takes a step away from the wall. Then another. He moves slowly toward the couch, one painstakingly slow step at a time, eyes on TJ, trying to gauge whether his proximity is welcome. ]
I wish I wasn’t—I wish I fit in with today’s attitudes about things. I’m sorry that I don’t. That I can’t just… I would if I could. If I knew how to stop feeling the way I do about certain things, I would, but I don’t. [ He stops a few paces away, shrugging awkwardly. ] I’m sorry, TJ. I don’t know what else to say.
no subject
He'd feel even worse if he knew Steve was making those sorts of internal decisions without voicing them. That's exactly what TJ doesn't want. He doesn't want Steve holding his tongue, he doesn't want Steve making decisions about what's good or best for TJ without discussing it with TJ first. The more he relies on that thread of thinking, the quicker they're going to get into another argument. But, since he doesn't know, he can't voice those opinions. Only time will dredge up this argument again.
And next time, it likely won't be as simply as this one went.
TJ watches Steve move closer in his peripheral vision, not doing anything to discourage the closeness, though not exactly encouraging it, either. But, that's simply because he's too wrapped up in his own head, trying to figure out a way to make Steve take back those apologies. He's got half a mind to do a complete 180 right now and make them have a fight. No one does irrationality better than TJ Hammond. It'd be easy, too, to find something to push this into something intense. But, when he shifts his gaze to Steve, he just can't do it. The fight bleeds out of him, and TJ just deflates.
Eventually, though, he pushes up from where he's sitting and closes the remaining distance between them. Before he even realizes what he's doing, he reaches out with one hand to curl his fingers around Steve's wrist. ]
Don't apologize. [ He looks down for a second, staring at the floor and knowing he should apologize, but he just can't get his mouth to work and form the words. ] I shouldn't have made you feel like you needed to do it for me.
[ That's close enough, right? ]
I like how you are, Steve. If you weren't you, I probably wouldn't be into you as much as I am.
no subject
Oh, he likes how he is, Steve can't doubt that, but he knows what TJ really means. He knows that if he had bumped into him at that party months ago the way he used to be, skinny and short, with the twisted spine and the colorblind eyes and the lungs that never seemed to catch enough air, TJ never would have looked at him twice. Probably wouldn't have even noticed that he was there to look at him once. It's not Steve Rogers, the man who's still stupidly waiting to be looked at like he's the only person in the room, that TJ Hammond, still pursuing the next conquest as well as he's able without overstepping the boundaries of monogamy, wants, but Captain America, with the physique that's impressive enough to compensate for the restriction of only sleeping with one person.
And that's just the way it is. Because as long as TJ keeps finding him to be good enough, whatever the reason, Steve's not going anywhere. This is where he wants to be, and he'll take TJ however he can have him. So he doesn't address it, doesn't comment on it. He focuses on the first part of what TJ's said, replying to that and ignoring the rest. ]
You didn't. [ He lifts his other hand, the one not whose wrist isn't currently captured by TJ's fingers, and touches his arm. A second later, his hand flattens out and he slides his palm upward, over his bicep, until it comes to rest against the edge of his shoulder. ] You didn't make me feel like I had to do anything. Making a suggestion isn't coercion. I'm not blaming you for that. Please don't think that I am.
no subject
The rest of it, however, might be a little harder to dispute. He's seen the pictures of Steve before the serum, knows what he looked like and what ailed him. But, when TJ looks at those pictures, he's looking at them through the eyes of a man in love. So, of course he'd say he'd still notice Steve. But, they have no way of knowing. (Then again, they've spoken of fate before, and maybe that would come into play if Steve wasn't the figure of manliness right in front of him. That something would've brought them together, anyway.) And he's absolutely told Steve before he's not interested in the whole Captain America business. That, at least, he could dispute until he ran out of breath. But, that's another argument for another day.
Instead, he lets the mask go, letting the emotions play over his face as if he's got control over them. It's not that he likes fighting, it's just it seems to happen more often than it doesn't. He and Steve don't even have many disagreements, and they haven't since the explosive fight about Bucky. Back then he'd almost let Steve go, he doesn't want something like this to get in the way. Taking the touch as a sign it's all right, he lets go of Steve's wrist just long enough to unbutton the jacket he's still got on, then TJ's slipping his hands underneath and wrapping around him. ]
No, I didn't think you were. Just... [ He trails off for a moment, trying to cobble together the random strings of thought that are getting tangled inside his mind. ] I don't know. Don't think you have to do something just because you think it'll make me happy. Trust me, I'm used to getting over disappointments. There's a thousand other things we can do that we'll both like. Okay?
no subject
He doesn’t shift away from TJ’s hands when he touches him further, holding still while he unbuttons his jacket and then, carefully, sliding his arms around TJ’s waist once he’s gotten himself settled. He wishes that the night hadn’t gone like this, that it would have been better, more fun, less emotionally upsetting. But at the same time, he knows that could have ended so much worse than this.
Maybe, he thinks, it’s a good thing he came up to the room after all. ]
Some things I won't know if I'll actually dislike or not until I try them. [ He says it quietly, voice far more gentle now than it has been since they left the party. ] I could be surprised. I have been before.
[ Taking a tiny, shuffling step forward, he draws TJ in a little closer and ducks his head, resting his cheek against his hair. ]
And beyond that, I don't want you to be disappointed. You've had enough disappointments in your life, TJ. I'd like it if I wasn't contributing to the number. [ He catches a wrinkle of TJ’s shirt between thumb and forefinger and smooths it out. ] If I hate something after I try it, or I absolutely refuse to do it, I'll tell you. I promise. Otherwise, I do want to try. There's nothing wrong with adding to the number of things we can do together that we enjoy.
no subject
When Steve closes that last bit of distance, TJ folds himself in flush, resting his cheek against Steve's chest. His fingers spread and he runs his hands up Steve's back and back down slowly. After a moment he lets his eyes fall closed, being selfish and just enjoying the press of their bodies together, letting the scents of Steve's soap and cologne and him meld together and infiltrate his senses. It's his favorite smell in the world, he thinks. ]
There's a difference in the kind of disappointments I've had and the disappointment of not getting something like this. That's small enough to not matter much. Because I'd know you're bothered by whatever it could be.
[ TJ shifts enough so he can look at Steve, pausing his words and lifting one hand up to begin to smooth down some of the stray akimbo hairs. A small smile toys with the corners of his lips because keeping this serious tone isn't exactly something he wants to do. ]
Don't tell anyone I'm making concessions for you; they'll expect the same in return. And I don't want to do that. I like you more than them.
no subject
What he doesn't know is how to stop. Maybe it's a pipe dream, hoping that the day will come when he'll be enough for someone else, but god, he wants it and he hasn't figured out how to deal with the little hints that he isn't. He isn't a flirtatious person by nature. He doesn't really understand how easily it comes to some or why it would be necessary to engage in such behavior if one was happily committed to someone else. He thinks he never will.
But he recognizes what TJ's doing, the shift away from the more serious undertones of the conversation to something lighter. He isn't ready to joke and banter as though nothing happened; even though he's ignoring his own feelings now, he's still too raw to go completely back to normal. Yet he can try, and he can let TJ maneuver them off in a less tumultuous direction. ]
Safeguarding confidential information is one of my specialties. [ The corner of Steve's mouth quirks upward in a tiny half-smile. He can feel TJ trying to corral his hair back into order and though he thinks it's probably a lost cause, he figures if anyone can, it's TJ Hammond. ] I think I can handle it.
[ He could add, jokingly, that he's pretty resistant to torture, but true though it is, that's darker and more morbid than he really wants to go right now. Plus, he's not sure if it will tank the mood that struggling so hard to rise. He's done that once tonight, he doesn't want to do it again. ]
Guess I'll have to work out a few concessions of my own in return. [ For a second, his fingertips trace upward along the curve of TJ's spine before stilling and pressing flat against his back. ] You want to make a few suggestions, I'm currently taking them.
no subject
Still, he is aware that he needs to do something. And the least he can do is try now that Steve's given him the opportunity.
TJ shifts his hands to bracket Steve's face, his thumbs already gently rubbing over the swell of his cheeks. For a few moments he remains silent, just watching him, searching for something that even he's not sure of just yet. ]
I'm not going to cheat on you.
[ The words are blurted out and not particularly what he wanted to say. But, now that he has, he's got to go with it and relate it to a bigger point. Or maybe that is the bigger point he needs to relate everything else to. What the hell does he know? ]
And I need you to understand that I'm not. Flirting doesn't mean anything, it's part of who I am and half the time I don't even know it's happening. [ He shrugs one shoulder as if that explains it. Sometimes he does it to get something he wants. That part gets left off. TJ's hands shift down to Steve's shoulders, fingers half-splaying down onto his biceps. ] If you see me doing it and it bothers you, tell me. If you see me doing anything that bothers you, tell me. Otherwise I'm not going to know. That's my only suggestion.
no subject
The reassurance is unexpected. So much so that it knocks loose a breath, a tiny little huff of an exhale that Steve had been holding without quite consciously realizing that he’d been doing it. He knows that. At least, he knows that TJ would never deliberately, maliciously do something like that to him. There’s a part of him that still doesn’t trust the clubs TJ frequents, the friends that he associates with, the availability of alcohol and drugs that can make a very bad idea seem like such a good one in the moment. But even he knows that that’s borrowing trouble, that that’s trying to control something he has no control over and that he can’t do that.
Just like he can’t ask TJ why, if it doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t stop flirting. Those six words—it's part of who I am—prevent him from going down that road. He wouldn’t ask TJ to change himself for him, wouldn’t want him to. This is just a part of him that he’s going to have to make peace with, and soon, he thinks, before it comes between them. ]
I understand. [ One side of his mouth turns up slightly, an echo of TJ’s shrug, as he flexes his fingers over his back. Just once. Just a brief back and forth motion over his shirt. ] And I will speak up if something starts bothering me.
[ But he hopes that it won’t come to that. That he’ll be able to work on himself, and on mastering the flashes of jealousy that he shoot through him sometimes, enough that it won’t come to that. TJ should be free to be who he is without Steve stifling to spare himself some hurt feelings. ]
I guess I’m just letting the past influence me more than it should. And that’s my fault. Not yours. I’m sorry for that. For putting you through that. It’s not fair and I’m going to work to stop doing it.
no subject
Surprisingly, now seems to be one of those times. ]
Steve. [ He huffs a sigh, hands tightening against Steve's arms. ] Stop.
[ It takes a moment or two for TJ to arrange his thoughts into order and how he wants to get this out without sounding like he's further placing any blame on Steve. Since... apparently, that is a problem right now. ]
Don't apologize. I'm not... [ He trails off for a moment, brows knitting together. ] Look, I'm not blaming you for any of this. Okay? So, there's nothing you need to apologize for. [ Giving a soft tsk, he looks a bit guilty before he just turns his gaze elsewhere. ] I should've thought about how this would affect you.
[ This is TJ's fault and he knows it is, but he doesn't want to actually say the words. ]
I forget, sometimes, that you weren't always... [ Lifting a hand he makes a gesture to encompass all of Steve. ] You know: this.
[ TJ tips his head back to look at the ceiling for a moment. Maybe a couple more. ]
I'm [ ......... ] sorry. [ He looks at Steve again though lowered lashes. ] This whole bad idea was my fault. Not yours.
no subject
It hadn’t felt minor or trivial downstairs, but with time and distance, he’s beginning to think that it was. A bit of flirting. Some fairly innocent dancing, considering what passes for the art these days. The dashed hopes of a young man who had only the most fleeting brush with one of the handsome, charming members of the First Family. In the grand scheme of things, he shouldn’t have reacted the way that he did and he knows it.
He has to physically bite the inside of his lip not to respond immediately to TJ’s admission about forgetting that he hasn’t always been built like Captain America. A breath follows. Then another, as he silently counts backward from ten, gathering his thoughts, working through what it is that he wants to say that isn’t simply a kneejerk reaction. ]
I think… [ Gently, Steve touches the tips of his fingers to TJ’s cheek, running the pad of his forefinger over his skin. ] Look, maybe it was just too soon for it. I know you didn’t mean for it to go like this. I think we approach relationships differently and that sometimes, like tonight, it leads to friction. And it’s—I’m not blaming you, okay? I’m not angry anymore.
[ That’s largely true. Raw and unsettled, yes, but not angry. He smiles a little, a small thing that’s sturdier than it’s shaky. ]
Apology accepted. [ For a second, he presses his hand just a smidgen more firmly against TJ’s cheek in reassurance. ] It’s okay.