The Cockblock Meme

[thememesock]

Ain't no one gettin' laid tonight!



Taken from here!

Since certain people have been complaining about how everything's always about the smut... have a meme where no fucking will occur! This is so not about sex! Except it totally still is.


How it works:

• Reply with character name, fandom, preferences, etc.
• The person replying to you will set the scene. Things are hot and heavy, clothes are being removed, etc., etc.
• The next reply is when you roll for a reason why things go south. Like... south south. Not below the belt. There will be no happy funtimes below the belt!
  Alternatively, come up with your own reason why things go all to hell. There's plenty of options left unmentioned. But if you're pinning it on the other person, make sure the mun is OK with what you're saying about their character. This also goes if you roll the number II category. Crack =/= disrespect.

I. External reasons.

1. The phone rings. Could be important! Better pick it up. Sadly, your bed partner does not appreciate the urgency. Or maybe they're the ones insisting on picking it up, and you get ticked off.
2. The fire alarm goes off. It's probably a drill or something, right? Right? So what's that smoke suddenly appearing in your room for?
3. Blackout. Complete fricking blackout. Romantic? Well, at least one of you is worried enough to want to find out the reason.

II. You what now?!

1. What is that smell? Was the other person rude enough to stuff their face with garlic before meeting up with you? Did they cut the cheese?!
2. Something physical. The other person has an ugly scar, a beer belly... maybe a third nipple? Whatever it is, it's completely putting you off.
3. Similar to the previous one, but this is everything not natural - more along the lines of personal adornment. Horrible underwear, a weird tattoo... Or it could be their roots are really obvious this close up.

III. It's not you, it's me.

1. You need to go to the bathroom. No, seriously, you really, really need to go. Right now. Way to ruin the mood.
2. You say the wrong name. Of course your partner's not happy about that!
3. Personal Issues. If you're a man, maybe you can't get it up for some reason. Maybe you've drunk too much, and you're passing out. Maybe you're suddenly thinking about your favorite pet goldfish that died that very morning. (GOLDIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!)

Comments

[king]

[ Arthur's going to argue, but then he just bites his tongue in the hope of getting them back on schedule. Not that he has a schedule. Or at least, it's a flexible one, and he's learned not to tell Merlin the amount of time he's spent on any one body part because it's, quote unquote, not romantic. ]

[ So instead he encroaches forward and takes Merlin back into his arms, kissing his mouth first, but giving a wicked smile as he traces his hand down to rub soothingly at the bump with gentle fingertips. ]

I just may have to.

[ He likes to manhandle Merlin, and Merlin quite likes being manhandled, so he doesn't think much of dragging Merlin over to the bed and tossing him down onto it, following with intent to lick and suck every inch of skin between his throat and his balls. ]

[ Except he misjudges his weight and lands atop Merlin with an elbow to somewhere soft. ]

[servant]

[Merlin laughs as he bounces on the mattress, something that he secretly does by himself when he's changing the linens and Arthur's not around. The smile that he gives the other man right before he pounces quickly turns to one of alarm though. Because he can tell that Arthur's landing is going to be off.]

[Merlin curls up, his mouth opened wide with pain. And no, he's not a great big girl, but maybe a few tears do come to his eyes. Because it hurts.]

Brute!

[He smack's Arthur's arm, but that just leaves him with a stinging palm on top of everything else.]

Be a little gentler, would you? Exactly how much wine did you have? Maybe I should have Gaius waiting outside the door.

[Listening. Merlin blinks before a full-body shudder goes through him. And he goes that much softer.]

[king]

Sorry, sorry.

[ Arthur doesn't apologize often, but he really does mean it, hating that he made Merlin look so pained, even if his eyes are still ridiculously gorgeous limned in tears. It makes him feel terrible, since he shouldn't find Merlin crying attractive, but then, Merlin does a whole lot of things that he probably shouldn't find attractive. ]

[ He rolls off Merlin at that smack, which hurt not that he's going to admit it, and snuggles carefully up against his side, instead, wrapping an arm around his waist and kissing his shoulder. ]

Can we not talk about Gaius? Come on, let's ... get on with it.

[ But the mood has shifted a little; they've both had this side of too much wine, and he's back from desperate rutting urgency and wondering what noises he can pull out of Merlin, to wanting to hold him close and flutter affectionate kisses over him. But he does slide his hand down and cup Merlin's softening cock in his hand, giving it a rough squeeze. ]

[servant]

[It's hard for Merlin to hold a grudge against Arthur. Even harder when he's murmuring apologies and pressing adoring kisses against his skin.]

Mmm.

[Merlin lifts his hips, the flush of color on his cheekbones going as dark as the wine that started it.]

Yeah, that sounds really good.

[Merlin turns his head and finds Arthur's mouth, letting him work him back to hardness. Maybe they've been going about this all wrong tonight. This time Merlin rolls on top of Arthur, frotting gently as the kisses deepen. Finally. Finally-]

"Sire?"

[Merlin breaks the kiss abruptly and looks down at Arthur, confusion written all over his face.]

Did I just say that?

[But then there's a knock on the heavy wooden door, and another's voice saying "Sire" a second time.]

Ignore it.

[Because Merlin's finally hard again, and even he can only take so much foreplay.]

[king]

[ Arthur blinks dazedly up at him until the second knock, and then he seems to realize what's happening. ]

I can't just ignore it, Merlin. I'm the king.

[ He hisses, waspish, though his annoyance is mostly for the men at the door. ]

Get off.

[ He manouvers out from under Merlin and tries to find his breeches, shouting when the knocking persists: ]

Just a minute!

[ He would really prefer people didn't know he enjoyed buggering his manservant senseless, and a glance over at Merlin as he hopped into his trousers makes him realize just how obvious what they're doing probably is. Low, urgent, and a little wild around the eyes trying to get his laces done up, he jerks his chin at Merlin. ]

Hide.

[servant]

I'm one of your subjects and you ignore me all the time.

[Arthur starts pulling away, and Merlin legit tries to cling to him, wrapping pale arms and legs around Arthur until he's pushed away. Merlin sighs heavily, frustrated as he sprawls on the bed. Yes, very obvious.]

Hide? Where do you want me to hide?

[Merlin lifts his head from the pillow, but moves before Arthur kicks him and gives him a matching bruise on his backside. Well, at least it's not the first time he's hidden under Arthur's bed...]

[king]

[ As soon as Merlin's hit the slate, Arthur's striding to the door, throwing it open, knowing he looks rumpled and kiss-bitten but hoping in the flickering torchlight it won't be too obvious. ]

What is it?

[ There's Agrivaine — I'm sure it's nothing, nephew, hardly work waking you up for— and Sir Leon — the guards have been reporting oddities all night, sire, and we had that message from the village to the west, I thought it best to ask your permission to— and worst of all, Gaius — you haven't seen Merlin anywhere, have you, sire? Only he doesn't appear to be in his chambers, and I'd hate to think he'd gotten caught up in all of this— ]

Leon, do as you think is best with regards to the guard. I last saw Merlin with one of the serving maids at the feast, so I'm hardly surprised he's not in his bed. Uncle, you're not to let them wake me again. I shall deal with it in the morning.

[ Mouth tight, with annoyance and, all right, a little guilt, he dismisses them and shuts the door, leaning back against it and trying to remember the message Leon had mentioned, the message from this afternoon. ]

[servant]

[One of the serving-]

[Merlin lifts his head a bit too quickly at that, nearly knocking himself unconscious on the bed frame. How dare Arthur lead them to believe he was despoiling some innocent girl!]

[He's despoiling the king. Or being despoiled by him, Merlin's never entirely certain.]

[Merlin hears the door close and counts to ten, and with the silence unbroken, slides back out again. He continues to lay there though, the evening's shenanigans taking their toll.]

Can't we just. Do it on the floor. I have to clean it in the morning anyway.

[king]

[ Well he had spoken to serving maids at the feast, and that had directly correlated to Arthur dragging him off to be jealously kissed, and Arthur definitely wasn't surprised he wasn't in bed, so it wasn't really a lie at all. ]

[ He leans against one of the bedposts and looks down at Merlin, unimpressed. ]

I thought you were going to clean it today? Just because we're tupping, doesn't mean I can afford to let you neglect your chores.

[ Because now is clearly the time to have this discussion. But then, he's not doing anything to Merlin on a dirty floor. ]

[servant]

There wasn't any time, I had to get you ready for the feast!

[Which included holding up every article of clothing that Arthur owns for inspection. Seriously, three shirts and one pair of breeches is all anyone needs.]

[Merlin takes a deep breath and slides across the floor like some sort of inchworm, pulling himself up with the help of Arthur's leg.]

What if I made you forget all about the floors.

[Merlin kneels in front of him and kisses Arthur's stomach while his deft fingers pluck at Arthur's laces.]

[Did I say 'pluck'? I meant, 'struggle with'.]

What- did you tie these into knots?

[king]

[ Inchworms aren't really sexy, but when Merlin's mouth comes within a certain proximity of Arthur's cock, his brain starts to do funny things, so he doesn't comment, just hums and strokes a hand through Merlin's mop of hair. ]

Yeah, I could stand to be distracted from— what?

[ His voice goes from hoarse and low to abruptly more normal. ]

I was in something of a hurry, if you'll remember!

[ He tries to help, but just gets in the way, until he comes up with the bright idea of snapping them. But the leather cord only stretches at his insistent tugs. ]

Oh, for... use your teeth? Or a knife, my hunting knife should be around here somewhere.

[ He looks around for it. ]

[servant]

I am not using a knife. What if I slipped? Or something startled me?

[Or he was just his normal clumsy self. Merlin leans in, and it certainly looks like he could be 'distracting' Arthur, but he's really just working one of the knots between his teeth.]

If you'll just have a little patience...

[Clearly he's forgotten who he's dealing with. And after a few seconds even Merlin gives up in favor of just trying to tug them down over Arthur's hips.]

These seem tighter than before. Have you gained weight?

[Because nothing guarantees passion like asking that question.]

[king]

[ Arthur's stomach is sensitive where Merlin's hair is tickling it... but so are his feelings, on some occasions, particularly when it comes to Merlin mocking his weight, and he scowls ferociously. ]

Of course I haven't! Not another word, Merlin. Not. Another. Word.

[ He steps back from Merlin, leaving him on his knees, but it's only to go to where his belt lies abandoned, taking his hunting knife from its sheath and slicing through the ties and a good deal of the material to boot. ]

I am done with patience.

[ He may have had a lot of wine, but he's still got a steady hand with a blade. He leaves the knife on the table and almost trips over his breeches trying to take them off as he stalks over to Merlin, taking the uninterested swell of his prick in one hand and Merlin's hair in the other. ]

Suck.

[servant]

[Merlin wonders if Arthur even realizes that telling him things like 'not another word' only makes him want to talk more. But he presses his lips into a tight line to avoid temptation. He can be extra insolent tomorrow to make up for it.]

[He does squawk when Arthur cuts the laces, because he just ruined a perfectly good pair of pants, and even if he has plenty, Merlin has a low tolerance for waste. Arthur's strut back in his direction is certainly appealing, and Merlin's not averse to some hair-pulling, but the commanding tone of voice makes him feel like he's back on the clock instead of something that rhymes with it.]

Hang on! You don't have to tug!

[Merlin entertains the idea of just going back to his room for a wank. But it's almost personal now, how the night and events have conspired against them. So Merlin licks his lips, determined to swallow him down until Arthur's toes curl against the floor and he has to help hold him up.]

[And if the smell of smoke curls through the window, it's only because they're just that hot]

my <em> got away with me :(

[king]

Yeah, just like that.

[ Arthur's cock throbs when Merlin's mouth touches it, and his sharp hair-pulling becomes simply a place to rest his hands, his head falling back. Some of the tension seeps out of him. Enough, in fact, that he wonders if he's had perhaps a touch too much wine, because while he's slowly coming to life under Merlin's clever mouth, he could all too happily go to sleep right now, awash with easy pleasure. ]

[ His throat bobs, and he wonders if they should risk the interruption of getting on the bed so he can touch Merlin, too, when there's another knock at the door: Sire! ]

[ Arthur holds Merlin in place. He is going to ignore it, finish in Merlin's mouth, fetch his sword and go to make it very clear that he's not to be summoned unless it's very urgent indeed. Although at least this time the knocking seems appropriately frantic. ]

[ There's another shout, and Arthur realizes that word wasn't sire, it was... ]

[ From somewhere outside the castle a loud clanging starts up and Arthur pulls out of Merlin's mouth with a curse. ]

/lassos it

[servant]

[Merlin grips Arthur's hips because he's finally hot and heavy against his tongue, and he has a dozen or more advisers and what good are they if they can't manage one night without him.]

[But Arthur holding him steady tells Merlin that he's thinking the same thing, so he hums and lets his eyes flutter closed. No, no one could possibly need him more than Merlin right now.]

[...Did someone just shout 'fire'?]

[Arthur's cock is suddenly gone, and Merlin wipes his chin and mouth as he staggers to his feet and hurries over to the window.]

It's the stables! I know where there's some extra buckets.

[Merlin rushes for the door, turning back again right before he reaches it.]

Might need some trousers.

[king]

[ Arthur's already struggling to tuck his erection into his breeches, which is a difficult feat even when they've not been sliced open at the crotch. The court seamstresses may occasionally make unfortunate jokes about his dressing to the left, but this is ridiculous. ]

[ He makes do with a belt, a long tunic, and emphatically thinking about his father and Lady Catrina, which is a bit disrespectful these days but it was his go-to bucket of cold water for a couple of years and he's a little too flustered to really think about it. ]

[ Merlin, of course, is somehow still naked, and Arthur smacks him on one bare cheek as he heads for the door. ]

If you die in a fire before I can properly have it off with you, Merlin, I really won't forgive you.

[ Dire proclamation done with, he flings open the door (completely without thought for Merlin's modesty) and joins a couple of frantic knights in the corridor, already issuing instructions. ]