bakerstreet | Dear fangirls;

Dear Fangirls,

While I adore your continued support and love I would like to point out that many of you have made a grievous mistake in some of your theories. You see, I have not ever been romantically involved with anyone- this includes and is by no means limited to;

Hakuba Saguru
Kudo Shinichi
Hattori Heiji
Edogawa Conan

The fact that I even have to mention that last one is quite... worrying.

Thank you all for your time and I look forward to seeing you all at my next Heist.

♥

Edited 2012-03-17 21:43 (UTC)

Isn't he like still in diapers or something? Man, I feel you. Rad monocle by the way.

At seven years old I can only hope not.

Ah, yes. Thank you.

He's seven? Man, I thought he was younger. He's kind of small for seven.

The newspapers don't exactly do him justice. Rather heart breaking when you think of everything he's done.

I know your frustration all to well, my friend.

Dear Fanboys (and girls AND Winchesters),

I am not gay.

I was not having great lesbian sex with Lilith while conspiring against the world.

In fact, working for that bitch was horrible.

Glad we could clear this up, if I hear it again I'm going to start cutting throats, one fan at a time.

Sincerely,
Ruby

im suuuuuure you can find it in yourself to luuuurve if you just try though!

u to could have so much fun slittng throats together!

Why the hell not? Having gay sex and conspiring against the world sounds like a good time to me.

~~Dear Fangirls / fanboys (?),~~

To whom it may concern,

- It is not silky as kitten fur. It's excessively oily, and I insist all attempts to make me more presentable cease and desist immediately.

- I do not simply need the tenderness and care of a good woman (or man) to turn me into an acceptable romantic, doting life partner. My mundane has made the attempt. It turned me into a paternalistic, paranoid, obsessed git in a dissonant and controlling relationship.

As one might imagine it would.

I am not a Lothario.

- I am not married to anyone on the astral plane. I have never been to the astral plane, and if I were there, I would not marry a harem of women I have never met.

- My nickname is not now, nor has it ever been 'the Slytherin sex god'.

- I am not interested in my students. Full stop.

- I am not Harry Potter's lover. I would hang myself first. Neither am I his father.

- I am not engaging in sexual conduct with Lucius Malfoy. Lucius is relatively happily married to an attractive witch of the finest calibre. If he tried anything of questionable propriety with that cane of his, I would hex him on sight.

I find these assumptions about my character and activities insulting. Allow me to assure you: insulting the sensibilities of an ex-Death Eater is in no way a mean feat.

- S. Snape.

You probably should have added 'not a closet crossdresser'. Then again, the person thinking it over here is not quite a fangirl, just... A very strange girl.

Nor do I wear leather trousers.

That... illicited a giggle. Oh dear.

The only problem I see with that is the closet part.

Thank you, Severus.

Now if they would only listen.

/licks ur hair until its super shiny and soft

:p

:333

[damn you, Lupin, we talked about this.]

DEAYUH FANBOYS AND FANGIRLS

THERE HAVE BEEN MANY ASSUMPTIONS REGARDING THE INTEGRITY OF MY COMRADE PHILLIP AND I AND IT IS ABOOT TIME WE CLEAR THIS UP ONCE AND FOR ALL!

THE ONLY OPENING WHICH I HAVE EVER PRESENTED TO MY PARTNER IN A SEXUAL MANNER WAS WHEN I FARTED THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IN HIS MOUTH ONE FRUITFUL EVENING.

THIS FART WAS PROMPTLY FOLLOWED BY A POO WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A MUCH GRANDER FART WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A MUCH GRANDER POO. I BELIEVE IN THAT EVENING, I ACHIEVED THE WORLD RECORD OF POOING AND FARTING IN ANOTHER MAN'S MOUTH.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY AND UNDERSTANDING

YOURS TRULY

TERRANCE

TRUE STORY

Dear Terrance,

I just want you to know that your legacy lives on. Even in the twenty-third century, you and Philip are heroes to many.

&etc,
Captain James T. Kirk

Dear Fangirls/Fanboys,

He's my brother, that's sick.

Get the hell out of here with this,
Dean Winchester

Yeah, see, fangirls and fanboys? We both agree. Stop that.

Oh maaaaan. People are shipping you with your brother? That is gross.

Totally gross.

At least I didn't write it?

Thank God for small favors, I guess.

Seconding the sentiment.

Seriously, is it an epidemic or something? What's wrong with people?

No bloody idea, but they need to find something else to focus their attentions on.

Yeah, seriously. There's so much else we could be doing besides... family members.

What the hell is wrong with these people?

Hell if I know, Dad. I kinda get the feeling we don't want to know, either, right? Just kinda... back away slowly.

;A; Nuuuuu ur in kawaii yaoiz with him don't even try to deny it

you two are too smexy to NOT be getting down and dirty.

:3

...Are you even speaking English right now.

heheheheheheheeee only kinda!

;P

Yeeeah, I kinda noticed.

I don't have a whole lot of fangirls, but a lot of the ones I do have think I ought to be rutting with my brother too.

Gross, dude.

What the hell is it with fangirls?

Maybe they need someone to rut with them.

Yeah, maybe.

Really, Dean? Really?

Dear fangirls (and fanboys),

No. Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're thinking about thinking, whatever ideas might be a gleam in your eye.

No.

Stop that.

- Dr. L.H. McCoy

No more fanfiction, then, huh?

[/trollface.jpg]

I knew you were ~JiMnBoNeS4eVeR121~! I fucking knew it!

Damn, my clever disguise failed.

If you hadn't spent so much damn time talking about how big 'Jim's cock was, I might not have picked up on it.

No, everybody does that. There are entire blogs dedicated to the size of my endowment.

And you have them all bookmarked, don't you?

no i subscribed. Read them all on one page, it's awesome

How do you even fit through doors?

i keep it in my pants until i have entered the room

i meant

ugh fuck it never mind

look, ask a silly question, get a silly answer

ask a *silly person* a question get a silly answer you mean

okay but i don't have a question for you right now

wow you know what else you are *hilarious*

i'm glad we can agree on this :D

hey, did you hear that? that was the sound of extra hyposprays lining up to go into your neck.

r u d e :(

t r u e

you just like sticking things in me and making me yell

wtf jim, are you getting off on that now

no but if you keep at it i might guy's gotta cope somehow

just promise me you won't have any embarrassing reactions in sickbay

oh me oh my is my eye gleaming

maybe you should ~examine~ it more closely doctor

Maybe you should go to a goddamned optometrist.

[>|]

Dear Fangirls and Fanboys,

The only place I put socks is on my feet.

Just pointing that out.

&etc,
Captain James T. Kirk

And here I thought I'd go all day without throwing up.

No, there's no socks or anything down there, nothing to be grossed out about, Bones.

Yeah. I was grossed out because of the socks.

So it's a good thing there aren't any.

Yeah. It's fan-freaking-tastic. I'm thrilled and relieved.

anything to make you happy, bones

You're sweet.

yeah i get that a lot

protip: telling yourself that in funny voices doesn't count

ha ha ha funny i actually get told by other people you know

name three of them

my mom

nurse chapel said it once

and you said it a minute ago

that's like using a word when you're defining that word, jim. don't count.

no fair you didn't say that before i started

thought it'd be obvious

no

work on that

no

[/trollface.jpg]

don't make me make you

you'd like that

maybe

Fangirls:

You repel me.

But the fanboys are fine?

I've only had to deal with one very serious fanboy in my time and he sorted himself out.

[Dryly:]

Yes, and you got off totally unscathed.

Anyway, I'm sure girls sending you love letters isn't quite the same as criminal masterminds strapping bombs to your- whatever John is. I mean, thematically, yes, alright, he was positively head over heels, but practically speaking...

[She raises her eyebrows.]

There are two different sort of "fans", I've discovered. One is the love letter, button-wearing, your-arse-looks-great-with-those-trousers. The others are the sort like him. The 'stop me before I kill again' sort.

Both disgust me.

But your arse does look great in those trousers.

And darling, you like it, just a bit, don't you? Being the clever detective in the funny hat. Admit it. You'd hate to be another face in the crowd.

I think it's impossible for me to just be one in a crowd.

I'm certain you understand the feeling.

They can't be all bad.

They are.

I rather enjoy mine--from a distance, of course.

You do realize that just makes you more unattainable?

I suppose that makes me more desirable, then?

I'd have done far less well if I'd given them everything they wanted.

I'm pretty sure you meant "repulse", but that's cool. Fangirls are nuts.

Edited 2012-03-19 03:53 (UTC)

No, believe me. I meant repel.

Though I appreciate your attempt at reading my thoughts.

;n;

but i luuuuv u so much why would u say thaaaat

8CCC

Leave them alone, Sherlock, they're just having a bit of fun.

Dear fangirls,

My, you are a creative bunch, aren't you? Keep up the ~~yaoi featuring members of a certain team~~ good work!

Love,
Botan

Edited 2012-03-17 22:37 (UTC)

finally someone who appreciates meeeee ;u; ur my favorite 5ever!!!!

(｡≧◡≦｡)

Dear fan people,

I'm very flattered, but I think you're expecting too much from me socially. I've barely even learned how to have friends yet. I certainly can't initiate a romance.

Yours,
N Harmonia.

PS: The exception to my being flattered is "Harmoniashipping". Stop doing that IMMEDIATELY.

it's okay u can skip all the boring romancing stuff if you want

just jump black's bones already. u know u want to ;)

Then don't do the romance part and skip to the fun stuff. Problem solved!

I don't know that part either! Why does everyone assume I know about that kind of thing?

Announcement: Fangirls:

I think I have spotted one of you.

Request: Please move one point three meters east. It will place you directly in front of the window. I have a surprise for you.

Taking 'em out just means more of you for Lockdown.

eeeeeeeee GASP A PRESENT????

/stands in just the right spot!

=DDD

Hey fangirls,

Keep setting me up with Prowl, that's some fun slag right there.

To those who think I need to "mend my ways" or keep insisting I ain't such a bad mech after all, c'mere and meet my flamethrower. Also, if I had myself a protoform, I'd just as sooner sell it for fuel credits.

u have goodness inside ;u;

its okay u dont have to be afraid to admit it we luv youuuuuu~

Dear, um, "fangirls",

I question your mental well being, good sense, and basic decency to ever believe that I would pursue a romantic relationship with any of my friends. Most particularly Buffy and Dawn. Might I remind you that I have needed to be physically held back from anyone with the audacity to suggest otherwise?

To those of how holding less fond opinions of me, I have met a great many Romanians more capable of writing in a British style. At least our languages are on the same spectrum. It's embarrassing when I find myself sounding like the adolescent girls who attempt to write me.

Edited 2012-03-18 00:05 (UTC)

Sounds like you've got a real stick up your ass, old man. Live a little.

[...yeah, he's heard worse from Spike. Daily. No big. In fact, Giles just gives a long suffering sigh.]

I'd actually prefer not to live so much, thanks.

Just out of curiosity, actually, which bit in particular were you objecting to?

Dear fangirls and fanboys,

I've noticed there's a lot of.. fiction out there of me doing... well, sexual things with my friends. Ginny, Hermione and Harry - in particular.

While I'm all for creativity, and it's very flattering to know I'm liked - I'd like to remind you all that they are all my friends. I only feel that way for them and only ever will.

The amount of writing and the sort of well, detail, you do with me and them is starting to get a little worrying and I'd appreciate it very much so if you would stop.

Love,

Luna Lovegood.

[Oh dear. He didn't see Luna or wouldn't have mentioned her.]

That is most unfortunate, Miss Lovegood.

[Oops. Luna sees your letter there, Remus. The mundane is amused.]

Yes, yes it is.

I see you're having similar problems with the fangirls too, Professor.

Do you think they'll stop if we ask nicely?

[It was entirely unintentional!]

I don't really believe so, no, Miss Lovegood. It's a shame you have to deal with it as well, you don't deserve it.

[He's not saying he's surprised she's "popular," just that she's too good a person to be tossed into...well, he'll not think about that, thank you.]

Oh! I know how that is. They like sticking me with my best friends.

It's terrible, isn't it? I wish they'd understand that we love our friends only as friends and nothing more.

Dear Fangirlies,

Thanks a bunch, but your sugary type snacks make my teeth hurt and give me a headache. Not like I need 'em anyway. I'm just always like this. You really think I'd munch on weird human snacks to give me a pick me up when a bit of flyin' would do just as well?

Also, I'm just as likely to knock yer block off as give anyone a hug. I like me mates just as much as anyone, but there's no call to be goin' soft around 'em. They knew that when they met me - a slap on the back means just the same, right?

Oh, and Touya's great an' all, but I like 'em a bit taller than that. And a bit less icey, o' course.

Dear Fan-people,

I wouldn't like to point some things out to you.

First, I wasn't simply made recently. Not to mention I clearly was onlined with every concept of how to 'interface' with others.

Next, I simply adore my fellow clones, really I love them all. Especially Sunstorm, I enjoy every moment of his simpering complements that obviously aren't over exaggerated in the least.

As for that mech who clearly isn't my creator, Starscream, I have always wanted to touch him so intimately, really.

I have no thanks for you reading this,
Not Ramjet

So you robots are touching each other intimately? To each their own, I guess.

Oh yes, we are doing so all the time.

[Le sigh.]

Dear... ladies. [Yes, because he knows there are more girls than boys who think so.]

My comrades.
My Goddess.
My brother. [Emphasis on the last one.]

I hope it is clear enough.

Gemini Saga.

My sympathies.

Ignorant humans,

Angels do not have sex.

Wanna bet?

[... Just this face at ... whatever you are.]

I was led to believe we couldn't.

[He's just going to ignore the "we" part.]

Correct.

It's not as though angels could create more of themselves through procreation. [she's the angel of death. Still an angel]

Correct. [He is a man of few words.]

That really depends on what universe you're talking about I'm afraid...

[just going to ignore the ignorance.]

[Just going to smile knowingly]

You may pretend my words are faulty, but there are quite true. I know a few angels in another universe who quite enjoy sex.

another being the key word.

And yet you act as if it stands true for all angels.

[and Cas just left.]

...You've never met Raphie-kun have you?

Raphie-kun?

Raphael?

[SO SERIOUS NOW] I do know him.

You do?

Then how can you say angels don't have sex?

He does not have sex. Non of us can or do.

[Raphael has been watching this for a while. He's uncertain which of these two is being an idiot.]

Oh? I think what you want to say is that he doesn't have sex with men.

(So much WTF here at seeing him.) You are not Raphael.

[Not impressed.]

I don't believe we've met. You are?

Castiel.

Ah...a familiar name but not a familiar face.

That might explain why you don't believe that I'm the Chief of Virtues.

[That title is probably ironic considering his tendencies.]

[Castiel Does. NOT. Like. that. LOOK.]

Yes.

[Stop giving him that look Castiel.]

Would my wings be any proof?

That is not necessary.

Is there a reason why you're so interested in such details?

[smiles]

I'll be glad to personally answer your questions or show you if necessary.

I was just pointing out that he's mistaken.

I see but even so shouldn't good girls refrain from talking about such things?

...I'm not sure that applies to me.

Feeling guilty about something?

Not guilty, no.

Always so honest.

It's peculiar for your type.

Uh- yeah. They do. [The most nauseated look.] Trust me on that one, dude.

No. (Who are you again?)

nuuuuuuuuuuuu your much to smexy to be like that

8C

Go away.

If they didn't, I would have been able to live an ordinary mortal lifespan.

Not my concern.

I only thought I should correct you. I've been through far too much for it to be untrue.

Your ignorance isn't my concern.

...Ignorance.

*Wow. Enoch, actually angry at an angel. That hasn't happened in a good three centuries.*

Yes, clearly nothing happened. I have not spent centuries I was never meant to live searching for angels who betrayed Heaven for that exact end. Clearly, I am the ignorant one.

[clearly He's just ignoring you now.]

*Fine. Yes, pretend all the pain of an immortal life among mortals, under pursuit no less, for three hundred years was for nothing just to avoid being proven wrong.

Yes, Enoch has no problems just walking away, himself, clenched fists only the most visible point of tension in his body.*

It occurs more often than one would expect.

[Just ask Balthazar, other him.]

[he is just going to rub his head here, other him.]

It is an expression of love that some of us had to sacrifice much to be able to enjoy.

*....he's a Grigori, Cas.*

[He's just not touching that and walk away.]

Of course not. It's one of the perks of falling.

Anna. [he just nods at her.]

Castiel. [One of the perks of a safe forum such as these? She doesn't really have a reason to be afraid of his betrayal. Sure, she's still mad at him, but if anyone can look past that, it's Anna. So, she smiles warmly at him and takes his hands in hers.] It's really not bad, you know. Not at all.

(Castiel has no idea what to do about hand holding. He tenses and steps back.) What isn't all that bad?

[Losing his hands like that? It hurts a bit, but it's not exactly surprising.] Sex. It's actually pretty amazing.

I wouldn't know. [uh, DUR Cas.]

I know that you wouldn't know, so trust me.

[Castiel lowers his head.] I always trusted you, and then you fell.

One doesn't negate the other, Castiel. I didn't fall by accident.

You broke that trust.

You say I did, but you mistake not putting your wishes first for dishonesty.

[Seriously, Anna? He has no wishes.]

[Of course he does. But she just sighs, shaking her head.] I'm not trying to fight with you, Castiel. Just know that I never wanted to break your trust. That wasn't the point.

What do you want from me, Anna?

Sounds boring. Thanks for clearing up that I never want to go to heaven.

Humans do not become angels when they are brought to heaven.

Dear Fangirls/fanboys,

Leave my brother ALONE!

~Mary Weather Hargreaves

Post-script:

Also please leave Riff alone. We are appalled by the amount of penny-dreadful murder-of-prose written about us.

Thank you, dear Mary Weather.

BROTHER!! [she's going to fling herself at you.] I've missed you so much!

[He smiles.] A good deal has happened since I last saw you. Well, last saw you not in torpor, at least. I am glad to see that this you is well.

(No, those are not grammatical mistakes on the mun's part. This is the effect of having been exposed to the sort of reality-breaking crap that gets presented to one while on that blasted space slumstation. You were there once, but you became ill. He wonders when this version of you is from.)

(Mary smiles back.) I'm in a dream world call Somarium.

This makes sense, because in the place where you were before, you are in a deep sleep from which, I am sadly told, you are as likely to awaken today as in a thousand years. I pray that your dreams are sweet, dear Mary Weather.

Cain?

What is it, Mary Weather?

I-what sort of horrible place is that?

I am told that being pulled from one's own world into space is severely taxing on one's body, and doing it without proper timing and recovery can kill a person. The doctors said that the strain was too much on you, and they put you in a glass bed. They said that if you recover, you will wake up.
[His eyes are soft. This is evidently not a nice subject for him.]

[Mary just holds close to her brother.] I'm right here now.

Dear fangirls/boys,

I died as a happily married man. I married her because I loved her, not because she was related to Sirius and he was dead so she was "the next best thing." If you would like to know much more than that about what sort of "love" I had for Sirius Black, I would like to point that Dora and I had a child and it makes two to do so. I did not die while overwrought with emotion from schoolboy experimentation that I never grew out of, crying in the corner.

Nor did I assault my wife, nor did she trap with me a love potion, nor was I under the Imperius Curse during the wedding. Yes, Teddy is my child. No, she did not cheat, nor did I refuse her. These things happen.

The students you refer to as "The Golden Trio" are all children I am proud to have watched grow and hope to have imparted something of worth and merit along the way. The pictures and the "fics" are really quite nauseating in most regards. The rest of the students are the same way, though not as fiercely as Hermione, Ron, and Harry. I am as unlikely to leave Dora and run off with Luna Lovegood as Hermione is to become Severus' housewife.

I would mention something about Severus and I, but you can refer to how I loved Sirius and muck up the words to make the point a bit clearer. The same goes for Lucius Malfoy and the other "named" Death Eaters. "Hate sex" is not something I would ever entertain, thank you.

Chocolate is excellent for changing one's mood, I do not have some sort of obsession past that.

I don't think I missed any other big things, so

Sincerely,
Remus J. Lupin

It saddens me that they clearly do not know the love between human beings as it is expressed between a husband and his wife.

In that, at least, you and I have something in common.

Dear...fangirls? And fanboys, I guess. [He's new to this whole "fandom" thing.]

It's great that you're drawing us, but...do you really have to draw things that make Tygra and I look like a couple? I mean, yeah, we aren't related by blood, but we still call the same cat "father". We pretty much grew up together as brothers. So, to be honest, it's...really weird.

And when he said he was going to "ring my bell" I'm pretty sure he didn't mean anything...you know. Like that.

Sincerely,
Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats

Like what, Lion-O?

[I AM 8 AND WHAT IS THIS???]

[WILYKAT NO THE INTERNET IS NO PLACE FOR YOU]

Well, it's...

Uh.

I don't know if you're old enough to really get it...

[what is this "fanfic" and "4chan" you speak of, can he eat them]

'Course I am! Tell me, tell me!

[No but can you please just go to Neopets or something and stay there forever

Well, okay, when two cats...love each other a lot...ugh, I can't believe I'm even saying that...they do things.

Things? [Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaause.

His bitty nose wrinkles; he's thinking of kissing, and that's gross!] Like stuff that gives ya cooties?

...yeah. Yeah, stuff like that. [Please don't ask anything else please please please...]

Oh. [and then the heavens opened up, and a voice from above replied....

"nope!"] What kind of things, Lion-O? I thought there was only one.

[

~~shit~~ i mean, whiskers]

W-well, there's kissing, I guess...and holding hands...couples like to do things like that.

Huh, I already knew about that stuff. [Cheeky grin.] Do couples also like gettin' their pockets picked? 'Cause that's what happened if me an' Sis found 'em, and they were always too busy to notice us.

It was pretty funny, how easy it was.....is slobbering all over another cat's face really that fun?

[Lion-O can't help but grin a little at that.] Probably not, if they ever managed to catch you at it.

I don't know about fun, but...it does feel nice, apparently. I used to think it was gross, too, when I was younger.

[Spoilers: he's never actually kissed anyone ever.]

DEAR FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS OF THE CHARMING AND SEXY SHIGUMA RIKA:

Rika know the series Rika is in has a lot of delicious doujinshi full of x-rated material involving fellow club members and sometimes questionable, scary men, but Rika has a request! So listen up here, fans of Shiguma Rika! Rika wants to set a quota of doujinshi and eroge games centered around her! Let your imagination run wild! Have Rika be the heroine in a mecha franchise and her true love Kodaka-sempai battle against earth and aliens in order for them to finally meet in person after years of being trained and told to kill each other! Make the love scene they have have mechas, missiles, and explosions go off as they both climax together and erupt in showing all their pleasure and-

UNIVERSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Thinking about such things makes Rika so excited and wet down there! Rika can barely contain herself thinking about such erotic adventures that could happen, and that's why Rika's fans need to get to work and draw, write, create, and share all things erotic about Shiguma Rika!

You're worse than any of them, you know.

Worse? Rika thinks the ability to write and draw good porn is a rare skill to have!

Rather than being rare, isn't it normal to want to keep that stuff hidden?

But Rika isn't normal, and so she shows her erotic side to make sure she stands out of the normal! Kodaka-sempai remembers Rika because of her dirty escapades, right?

I definitely have no recollection of any "escapades".

Is that Kodaka-sempai giving permission to Rika to involve him in a erotic, sexual adventure he will never forget?

It's not.

Kodaka-sempai is breaking Rika's heart by giving her hope and smashing it back down again.

You know, fans have made doujinshi of us, I think it could help you realize your true potential.

Aren't you just building it up yourself?

Hey! Wait a minute! Of me!?

Yes, does Kodaka-sempai want to see? [so much for that option as she pulls out a doujinshi, flashing its contents in front of him.] this one is a threesome of sena-sempai, you, and Rika!

[NO HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE, but wow it's really— NO, COVERING THESE PAGES WITH HIS HANDS, without actually touching of course]

Why do you have something like this!?

Rika treasures all forms of erotic artwork of her! Especially if it has a pairing Rika ships. [she turns the doujinshi back to her, staring at it, soon hugging it...]

But... I've been thinking. If this really exists, does that mean...

I have fans, too?

Maybe. Even the most dislikable and boring characters can have fans. [sob rika no don't be so mean.]

It's hard to be excited about it when you put it that way.

Don't worry, sempai, Rika can be your number one fan if you let her be!

That's all right. At any rate, I was just thinking it'd be weird if I had fans before I had friends, anyway.

Not exactly! Rika once read a manga where this movie star had a bunch of fans but no friends, but one day he meets another guy and they fall deeply in love! The first time they kiss and have sex sent a shiver down RIka's spine while she was reading it!

Dear fan fleshlings,

While yes I'm well aware what happens during my confidential doctor-to-patient sessions, I would appreciate it if it was kept confidential.

...unless you preferred I made a house call. And trust me, there are no benefits.

[Enter a naive gunner who has no idea what Knockout's really talking about.]

Wow, your fans actually spread that kinda stuff around? That's...I don't really know what to say about that. I mean, isn't that sort of violating doctor-patient confidentiality?

[Oh Primus, Blue. Pleas just stop right now. You're making it worse.]

...Why would anyone even be interested in that stuff anyway? I mean, I've helped Ratchet file medical reports before, and it gets really boring after the first few kliks, let me tell you.

[BLUE, BABY NO! You're giving the ~~entire internet~~ Knockout the wrong impression!]

[Too late you done dug your own grave.]

Oh did you? Didn't think Ratchet was so...spry for his age~

[Confused gunner is confused.]

...Spry? Why would he need to be spry? You don't need to have a lot of energy to do that---I mean, really, all you have to do is move your hands.

[Blue, sweetie, no. You don't know what you're saying.]

Dear fangirls, fanboys, and fans in general:

Kindly don't put me on a pedestal. I know I encouraged that sort of behavior with Miki-san and Kaname-san - but as the audience, you should know better. "If only Mami were here"....isn't really something one should spend time wondering about.

Unlike my mun, I'll never find "head jokes" funny. Considering the circumstances, that should come as no surprise. Please stop making light of what happened to me.

[...clears throat.] The problems with involving me romantically with any of my fellow magical girls (or Witches, or Kyuubey) should be self-evident enough to not need elaboration.

Sincerely,
Mami Tomoe.

Yes, I agree, shipping you with your fellow magical girls would be rather heedless of them.

[LMAO GET OUT]

Yes, yes it would be.

[OK HEADING OFF!]

Not to mention that those other four were busy with each other, when I saw them last time. It was rather easy to get the black haired one to battle, all you had to do was to throw rocks at the pink haired one.

[is that a twitch

maybe just a little one...

oh wait no there are more important things to focus on rn than the reminder of her being FOEVER ALONE]

....don't tell me you actually threw rocks at Madoka-san.

Of course I did. Pretty big ones, in fact. Does that make you angry? Too bad, I would say. It's not as if an earth-crawling human could do anything about it. So don't lose your head over it.

[Yes, it was technically true that Tenshi had thrown rocks at a Madoka. To be fair, she had aimed to miss. She just had wanted Homura to get angry, after all. Madoka had never registered as particularly powerful and thus hadn't seemed interesting in herself.]

[A muscle in her face twitches again, for.....oh, a hundred reasons, all of them tightly wrapped up in Tenshi's rude and provocative words.]

I suppose it's good to know, all the same, that even nonhumans can be as deeply unpleasant as regular humans.

[She doesn't answer the question. Why give Tenshi the satisfaction of knowing that she's gotten under Mami's skin? It's for that same reason that Mami won't do what she longs to do now and lash out with her magic.]

Um... fans?

My uncle's not abusive. We don't always get along, yeah, and I guess that gets worse when I get older, but he does love me and he wants to look out for me. And I love him. I don't like doing the chores or whatever that much, but I do them.

They're just boring.

Dear fangirls;

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