bakerstreet | The "SHIT, SON, YOU'RE IN STARFLEET NOW" meme

The "SHIT, SON, YOU'RE IN STARFLEET NOW" meme

Just like the title says, YOU'RE IN GODDAMN STARFLEET NOW. How'd you get here? Jesus, I don't know. What rank are you? Whatever goddamn rank you want to be. What year is this? WHATEVER YEAR YOU WANT IT TO BE. Kick it old school, TNG, DS9, in another goddamn galaxy, or even an alternate universe. What are you doing there? EXPLORING SPACE LIKE A GQ MOTHERFUCKER.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? You have places to be! Jobs to do! Stupid-ass badly-manufactured consoles to dramatically blow up! GO GO GO GO!

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[and then there's this asshole. probably managed to charm his way in: science officer, weapons expert and very studied in xenobiology ifyouknowwhatimean.]

Edited 2013-05-19 21:04 (UTC)

[The nearest wall-mounted communicator panel whistles with the familiar someone's-being-hailed tones.]

Spock to Harkness. Lieutenant Commander, I am currently en route to Engineering. Please meet with me there.

On my way, Commander.

[As he's cutting off the communicator, it's still audible:]

Sorry, folks, guess it'll have to be anoth -

[And five minutes later, he's showing up to Engineering, spotting Spock and nodding to him.]

How can I help, Commander Spock?

Mr. Harkness.

[Spock pulls up sensor and ship logs on a wall display without preamble.]

Approximately two hours and thirty-seven minutes ago sensors picked up a device floating in space. Our initial scans indicated it was an interstellar probe, of very old design.

We beamed it aboard for further analysis.

[The video of it materializing in the transporter room shows a cylindrical device about half the size of a standard photon torpedo, with a spherical sensor array atop it--the effect is vaguely suggestive of a head and body, very vaguely.]

At that time we discovered the device possesses some measure of advanced programming, at the very least--and possibly some degree of sentience. The device calls itself Nomad.

[And if it were possible for a Vulcan to look grumpy, he'd be doing that right now.]

It has taken to following Captain Kirk about the ship and will not leave his side. I think it wise to explore options for restraining or disabling Nomad, should it become necessary.

Restraining it?

[...Jack.]</small. Any idea why it's following the captain around on the ship? Just a natural affinity for authority figures or does it like him? Has it shown any aggressive or violent tendencies?

[Spock is well aware that Harkness shares a certain enjoyment of innuendo, similar to the Captain's; that's likely why the two men get along so well. He lets this one slide without so much as a raised eyebrow.]

It has stunned three crew members so far. One for attempting to touch it; two more for trying to keep it from continuing its travels with the Captain.

More like a jealous lover than anything else. How did Nomad stun the crew? And any ideas how these people approached it? Were they aggressive or gentle or what?

[Spock's head inclines slightly.]

The observation has merit.

The first crewmember it stunned merely touched its outer casing. But the stun was a purposeful action, not a mere side effect of contact with the device.

The second stepped between Nomad and the captain; the third pointed a phaser at it. Since then Captain Kirk has ordered all crew members to stand down.

And you called for me because you think I can either get Nomad to stop stalking the captain, or because you want me to power it down, right?

Correct. You are the ship's foremost weapons expert besides Dr. Marcus.

...She is currently recuperating in Medical. She was the crew member who stepped between the captain and Nomad.

You also share a certain... talent for getting along with other beings, the same talent the captain himself has. If you cannot disable or restrain Nomad, perhaps you can communicate with it better than others.

Mr. Spock, if I didn't know any better, I'd think that was a compliment.

[He smirks, then nods, all business - for the moment, anyway.]

Do you need me to go by myself or will you be accompanying me?

[One eyebrow goes up.]

It is an objective appraisal of your skills.

I will accompany you; it seems prudent for you to have backup.

All right. Computer, locate the Captain.

[Beep. Captain Kirk is in the ready room.]

To the ready room, Commander?

[THERE'S THAT MATINEE IDOL GRIN, and his arm extended to Spock. Come onnnnn, let him walk you there.]

[... (unsure)]

Thank you, Mr. Harkness, but I am capable of walking without assistance.

If you're certain, Mr. Spock.

[He's still gonna leave it there for another second or two. No? No? Aw. Putting his hands behind his back, he follows Spock to the lift, then out to the ready room. The door whooshes open before them, and Jack gallantly allows Spock to enter first.]

[Spock nods slightly, acknowledging the gesture, and he steps in. When Jack follows he will see one slightly exasperated Captain at his desk, with the device Jack has already been shown hovering just behind him and to one side. It's almost as if it's looking over his shoulder.]

Captain. Mr. Harkness and I are here for our departmental report. Weapons systems are fully operational.

[That's not a report. It's a ruse to get Jack in the same room as the device.]

Captain. And -

[With a smile of what appears to be genuine surprise, Jack 'notices' the device at the captain's shoulder.]

- you've made a friend, sir. Hi there.

[The captain regards them both with raised eyebrows, clearly catching on, also clearly concerned. "Mr. Harkness, meet my new friend. He calls himself NOMAD."

The device is silent, slowly bobbing up and down as it hovers behind the captain, but the display of lights in its "face" changes sequence. It may be scanning them.]

Hi, NOMAD. My name is Jack. You like the captain, huh? Me too. He's a good guy.

[He's smiling, casual, relaxed, but his brain is whirring, taking in the construction, possible weapons, ways he might be able to disarm it.]

[Spock's eyebrow goes up at Jack's greeting, but the second one joins it when NOMAD replies. A grating metallic voice announces:

HARKNESS, JACK. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER. SCIENCE DIVISION. SPECIALIZATION IN WEAPONRY.

IS THIS AN ATTEMPT AT OFFENSIVE ACTION?]

I wished the Lieutenant Commander a moment to become acquainted with you, NOMAD. While it is true he is a weapons expert, that also makes him one of the most qualified people to understand technology not our own.

[Vulcans never lie, certainly. But they can make the truth less obvious.]

[Jack manages not to look worried, but there's definitely a brief crinkle to his eyebrows for a moment before his face smooths out and the smile returns. Gosh, he's so at his ease, nothing suspicious going on here.]

Don't worry, nothing offensive going on here.

[He holds out his hand, still smiling.]

So, do you shake hands, or ... ?

[Jim tenses visibly. Spock takes half a step forward, watching NOMAD as Jack extends his hand.]

NOMAD, Mr. Harkness is making an overture of friendship and respect. He is not attempting to attack you.

[Granted, the last officer to approach it had more than making friends in mind, but it was still an approach and an attempt at contact that had apparently triggered the attack. Spock doesn't want a repeat.]

It's okay. I just want to shake hands.

[He reaches out and takes one of NOMAD's 'hands.' Though his shoulders and neck tense in expectation of the stunning blow, his smile and hands stay relaxed.]

It's good to meet you properly, NOMAD.

[Meanwhile, his brain is whirring. Ligosian origin, but it's old as hell. Ligosian designs are way beyond this now, but depending on how old it is, it will still have a degree of sentience - but the defensive capabilities make no sense. Their offensive robots had a completely different design, and the other robots were research and ... security.

Security.

Still smiling, he steps back, looks at the Captain.]

Captain, if I may ask - how has your day been?

[Jim's been watching them closely; the relief when Jack is not stunned across the room is clear from the look on his face.

I'm doing all right, Mr. Harkness, thank you. It's been an experience, having company for such a sustained period of time.

Oh, the diplomacy. If only his Academy instructors could see him now.

And you?]

Just fine, thanks. Had a nice time with some friends earlier.

Besides your company, though, was there anything of note? Anything particularly exciting - say, an hour or so before our friend joined us?

[Sex, a fight, even a vigorous workout ... anything that would get the body's chemicals going.]

capt. jack harkness | doctor who

forgive me i just find this combination potentially hilarious

omg ded

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