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a. Dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car.
b. Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
c. I just won $200 from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
or text her.
b. Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
c. I just won $200 from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
or text her.
1. The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
2. He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
3. It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
4. Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
5. [ text him ]
2. He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
3. It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
4. Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
5. [ text him ]
a. It's all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
b. Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
c. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
or text him.
b. Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
c. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
or text him.
a. Well the candle wax might have been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire.
b. I woke up with no pants, someone else's shirt, but my crown still on. That is dedication.
c. It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
b. I woke up with no pants, someone else's shirt, but my crown still on. That is dedication.
c. It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
1. My mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. I really don't know what else to say.
2. Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use?
3. You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
4. He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
5. [ or you send the text. ]
When have I ever had a bad one?
You know what, don't answer that. I'll be there in three minutes. If you're not at the bottom of the stairs, I'll just have to find someone else who's interested.
You know what, don't answer that. I'll be there in three minutes. If you're not at the bottom of the stairs, I'll just have to find someone else who's interested.
a. That guy I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
b. I just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line?
c. I know they say sex burns calories but I think I actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes.
d. text her!
Edited (dw html is the devil) 2016-07-23 13:04 (UTC)
1. I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
2. You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
3. I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
4. I murdered the dance floor call the cops
2. You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
3. I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
4. I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A. I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style.
B. C'mon, you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober.
C. I'm like, not good at living.
D. Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
B. C'mon, you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober.
C. I'm like, not good at living.
D. Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
2. Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
3. I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
4. The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
2. Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
3. I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
4. The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
1. Blame the bisexuality and move on?
2. I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
3. Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
4. Text him!
a. Our relationship is perfect. 90% threatening to punch him in the dick, 10% actual dickpunching.
b. On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like.
c. It's amazing how hard it is while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb things.
d. WILDCARD, y'all
Edited 2016-07-23 13:12 (UTC)
LANA! Jesus Christ. Maybe don't punch me in the dick if you intend on getting laid any time soon.
1. You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
2. I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
3. I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE.
4. I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
5. text her!
2. I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
3. I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE.
4. I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
5. text her!
Ehh? But I thought this was important to talk about...not that it's wrong to sleep naked, but while using stolen pillows...?
1. If you made an omnic out of pillows would he be kind? It's hard to imagine a cruel pillow omnic. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
2. I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month drought is over. That's justice.
3. why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
4. As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my mommy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
2. I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month drought is over. That's justice.
3. why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
4. As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my mommy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Don't sound so jaded. Humanity can be pleasantly surprising under the right circumstances.
1. blame the bisexuality and move on?
2. please don't try to fingerbang me like a jackhammer. i'm a superhero not a construction site.
3. do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
4. I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone.
2. please don't try to fingerbang me like a jackhammer. i'm a superhero not a construction site.
3. do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
4. I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone.
1. .... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
2. I seriously had all four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
3. it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
4. Text him
[previous threaders know who they are come at me bro]
2. I seriously had all four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
3. it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
4. Text him
[previous threaders know who they are come at me bro]
Edited 2016-07-23 13:24 (UTC)
1. There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
2. Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
3. Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
4. [text her]
2. Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
3. Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
4. [text her]
Please hurry. I think it sees me.
1. They passed out again after sex. I've hidden all their clothes. There's no way they are sneaking out in the morning this time.
2. Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3. I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
4. If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
2. Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3. I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
4. If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
1 | I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes.
2 | Just because I stayed up all night betting on zabathu races doesn't mean I have a gambling problem.
3 | What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9PM when I clearly need attention?
Did you and Spock fight again? Or was it Leonard this time?
let's pretend my account didn't expire and I still have access to my Takei icons.
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maneuvers
- 2016-07-29 00:34 (UTC) - Expand1. There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
2. Better not shit yourself at the gym.
3. I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
4. I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
5. well, you know. whores of a feather.01. Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits.
02. Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
03. Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
04. There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys.
05. [ text her instead! i'm easy. ]
1. Apparently this establishment will not let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning.
2. Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
3. How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
4. [ text her ]
2. Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
3. How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
4. [ text her ]
1. Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
2. You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
3. Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
4. cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
5. Text Him
2. You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
3. Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
4. cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
5. Text Him
(continued)
It gets worse. His last name is FIGGIS. What the fuck is a FIGGIS?
Uh. The Army. Weakest branch by far.
It gets worse. His last name is FIGGIS. What the fuck is a FIGGIS?
Uh. The Army. Weakest branch by far.
Edited 2016-07-23 14:21 (UTC)
1. And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the SCARLET DEVIL, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.
2. I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks.
3. I just did the classiest thing ever.
4. [text her]
2. I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks.
3. I just did the classiest thing ever.
4. [text her]
1. Blame the bisexuality and move on?
2. I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
3. I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
4. Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
5. Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
6. Text him!
2. I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
3. I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
4. Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
5. Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
6. Text him!
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