FAIL SEX MEME: THE FUCKING OLYMPICS EDITION

[zymemegy]

While it would be fantastic if it was, not all sex is magical. Sometimes, sex is awkward and funny or just really, really bad. Sometimes people just fail at it and don't know what they're doing! Or something goes wrong and ruins it all.

It's all about how you handle it...

- Post your character's name | series | preferences.
- Not anything you might not be interested in playing out.
- Others go to random.org and roll 1-3 for a type of fail, then 1-10 for specifics or make up your own.
- Respect others.
- Have fun!
- FUCKING OLYMPICS: Fail sex fails even more when you're trying out a new position! See if you can get into these. Alternatively, you and your partner literally are taking part in the Fucking Olympics and failing.

bodily functions →

1 ♦ happens to everyone...
You can't get it up or you're just not getting wet enough for this to be comfortable. Don't worry, this happens to everyone at some point.
2 ♦ cramps/injury!
Ouch, your leg is cramping or your back is protesting the position. Maybe you fell off the bed and hit your head. Ouch.
3 ♦ Can't get there.
Is it the position? Your partner? Whatever, you just can't get off tonight.
4 ♦ Broken!
Oh, oops, the condom broke. Or maybe you forgot to pull out fast enough, take your pill or some other contraceptive fail.
5 ♦ Embarrassing noises...
You just got caught passing gas or something equally embarrassing.
6 ♦ minute man
You just came way too fast.
7 ♦ blame it on the alcohol.
That last drink sounded great, but now you're literally too drunk to do anything.
8 ♦ I'm fine...
You can't do it because you're actually injured and your lover would definitely see if you took off your clothes. Maybe you can be clever about it...
9 ♦ love bites
Those aren't from your current partner... well, maybe there's a good explanation as to why they're there!
10 ♦ sick
You're down with a cold or flu and you just don't feel very sexy at all.


mental blocks →

1 ♦ guilty
You might want to, but you did something wrong and you don't feel like you should have the right.
2 ♦ distraction
You just have way too much on your mind to focus today...laundry, bills, work, school. Maybe you're just trying to figure out the plot to that movie you just saw!
3 ♦ not in the mood
You're tired or just not in the mood, no matter how hard you try.
4 ♦ wrong name
You just called out the wrong name... sorry, honey.
5 ♦ jealous
You think you saw your lover with someone else and you're too mad to care about sex right now.
6 ♦ it's not you- okay, so it is...
You're just so totally turned off by your lover right now...
7 ♦ over the line
Dirty talk is great, but not that name!
8 ♦ laughter is not always the best medicine
Your lover is trying so hard to be sexy for you, but you just can't stop laughing...
9 ♦ nervous
It's your first time and nerves are making it so hard to do. You just don't even know what you're doing...maybe you should wait!
10 ♦ trauma
Trauma is keeping you from enjoying this moment to the best of your ability.


outside influences →

1 ♦ caught in the act
You were caught in the middle of the act and the reaction wasn't great.
2 ♦ where did i put that...
You can't find the lube or the condoms or that nifty new sex toy...
3 ♦ phone
The phone just won't quit ringing!
4 ♦ another person's clothes...
You were getting hot and heavy until you find a suspicious item of clothing shoved under the pillow or cushion, maybe under the seat of the car! Hey, maybe there's an innocent explanation!
5 ♦ stop cockblocking me, bro!
That friend of yours is making sure you're not going to get any tonight... maybe on purpose.
6 ♦ threatened
You were threatened to not be with your lover anymore, so you better try to explain yourself.
7 ♦ Weather
Outside sex sounded great! Until the weather picked up... Snow or a lightning storm just aren't very sexy.
8 ♦ wrong person!
You just sent a sexy message or photo to more than just your lover!
9 ♦ I want to suck your duck
Auto-correct just wants to spice up your sexting, that's all.
10 ♦ not working...
That toy or being tied down is just not going to work for you...

Comments

Texas/Allison || Rvb ||

[hatesgoodbyes]

2-2

[originalcopy]

Leonard had been working for... well, he'd lost track of how long it was. He'd finally been granted a matrix onto which to program an AI. It wasn't particularly sophisticated, but it his and whatever he learned from this one he'd be able to put toward a better one later. It would be his first real independent programming project.

He sat hunched at his computer station, surrounded by coffee cups and piles of data pads and print outs. Just a few more things and he could start compiling the code and test it.

GDI Church...

[hatesgoodbyes]

"Well I guess if you're not coming to bed, I'll just have to come to you." Allison leaned against the doorway to the glorified closet that had become his office, she wasn't naked, no. She was draped in one of his button down shirts except that there was just one button fastened and it was in the region of her navel.

She sauntered toward him, bare legs long and lean and smooth in motion. She perched on the edge of his desk, wriggling a bit to get comfortable and slipped off his glasses.

[originalcopy]

"Hmm? I'll be there in a minute." He barely notices she's there, it's not until she sits that he even looks her direction. She's beautiful. Wait is that the shirt he was going to wear to his lab meeting tomorrow morning?

"Hey, come on Allison." he reaches out to grab his glasses. "I can't see what I'm doing."

[hatesgoodbyes]

"You've been saying that for the last two hours." It had started with 'just a few minutes to wrap something up' and kept on from there. She loved his mind and that he was devoted to everything he did, but she didn't always love when the devotion to his work took priority over her.

He took back his glasses, he frowned. "Not sure the glasses are working Leo." She sighed and popped that single button. Allison rolled her shoulders to let the shirt part and slip off to the desk top. He couldn't ignore that, could he?

[originalcopy]

He put his glasses back on and looked at her. Watched as the shirt slid to the desktop. His eyes roved over her appreciatively.

"I just have a couple last commands to enter and I swear, I'm done." He was so close to finishing and she was distracting him from his work... or was work distracting him from her.

[hatesgoodbyes]

"Fine, you just go on and work, I'll entertain myself." With a wicked grin and a move entirely too smooth to be called anything but a slither, she eased off his desk and down to the floor. On her knees.

Her hands ran up along his inner thighs, no longer trying to get his attention just enjoying herself. Ok maybe she was trying to get his attention too, after all her hands did unfasten his belt, and his pants and slip in to slide along his skin.

[originalcopy]

"Ok, good... Cause I have to get this done tonight so it'll be, ready... for...." His voice trailed off as her hands trailed up the inside of his legs.

He closed his eyes for a moment, she was not making this easy for him. Gathering his willpower he took a deep breath and started entering code again. Maybe if he ignores her she'll let him finish.

It wasn't that he wanted to ignore her, but if he could finish this quickly he could go for something other than "lab monkey" in the department. That meant better pay and a chance to get out of this shitty apartment and into something nicer.

[hatesgoodbyes]

Oh, she'll let him finish, maybe not his work... but he'll finish. And it wasn't that she was supportive of his work but she had needs too. He was one of those needs, and this was their place, maybe they'd have a house someday but right now this was theirs and they had each other. It made her happy.

She was also pretty happy with his obvious reaction to her, she smirked and continued. Her hands slid his pants down somewhat dragging his boxers with them. Allison took her time running her cheek along his thigh practically purring as she reached forward to kiss up to the juncture of his thighs and suckle on the skin at his hip. With the same painstaking slowness she moved her way across to let her lips work over his length before taking him into her mouth.

[originalcopy]

He sucked in a breath and practically jumped at the feel of that kiss. "God, Allison..."

He forced himself to keep typing, slowly, one word at a time. Then erased everything he'd just typed because damn it, it was full of typos. As her mouth closed around him he held his breath and screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to give in and moan obviously. When he opened his eyes again he found he'd typed a long string of gibberish "jksnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn/ (it went on for several lines) /nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn". He erased again.

He started over, one letter at a time.

[hatesgoodbyes]

Dammit, he was being stubborn. Fine, she could enjoy this then, whatever he wanted to do was fine. Not like he could honestly continue to ignore her was it?

No way. Not when she started a rhythm of moving her head like that. Or when she used her tongue to just glide up and hit that sensitive spot. The was no way he could hold out on it.

She let her body press against his leg, soft and warm weight against him, given just a bit of a jiggle with the motion of her head.

[originalcopy]

One letter at a time.

Try as he might, eventually she gets her way, he can't keep ignoring her. She knows him and his body too well and he's never really been able to resist her. He reaches down and laces his fingers in her long soft hair.

He looks down at her, eyes full of desire and no small amount of frustration at his conflicting needs. Why did she have to do this now? Was this project really so urgent he couldn't take some time for her?

"You are remarkably distracting... you know that?"

[hatesgoodbyes]

She looked up when she felt fingers in her hair, what a sight that must have presented to him. Blue eyes burning for him, lips curled at the edges in a smile while never ceasing their loving work.But his question deserved an answer, so she withdrew with a lick and soft kiss.

"I'm you're wife, I damn well better be able to distract you. Now kindly shut the hell up and let me get back to what I was doing."

That grin, the one that had captured his attention when they first met, flashed up at him. But now it was more of a show. her attentions were aimed at letting him watch as she pleased him; her sounds freer and louder, her movements more sensual.

2-4

[agent_washington]

Their relationship was ... weird, if you could even call it a relationship. It was more like a friends with benefits arrangement with some occasional sharing of advice, and a complete denial of any sort of emotional connection. Still, every once in a while, after a mission they got together to work off all the stress, frustration, or just have a little fun.

It'd been a while though, because of the ... incident, with Epsilon, but he was alright. As much as anyone could be anyway. Besides, now, his mind was as far away from all that as it possibly could be. At least until she calls out a name, and it hits him like a punch in the gut.

...ouch, ok bring on the pain and utter confusion

[hatesgoodbyes]

After missions there had been the occasional visit to one quarters or another to wind down with some no strings attached sex. It had been a perfect arrangement for Tex, she needed to feel something and Wash was a good enough guy to get the job done. She liked the simplicity of it and that they didn't have to worry about emotions entangling things and making them all complex.

He was attentive and willing to please, she was enthusiastic and loved the thrill of power over a lover when she had them in the throes of passion, it was a mutually beneficial situation.

Except for this time, things were going well, hell they were going fantastic with her legs wrapped around his lower back and she was speeding toward her orgasm. She rocked up hard against him, her nails digging into his shoulders in pleasure. Her head threw back and a hoarse cry escaped her lips, a name...but probably not the one he wanted to hear. "CHURCH!"

[agent_washington]

No, no it wasn't.

She wasn't the only one who wants things to stay uncomplicated. Wash has been burned more than enough times that he'd rather keep things the way they are, for more than just his views about relationships in the workplace. But ever since the incident with Epsilon he hasn't had much of a choice. All these new memories in his head, being unable to parse what from what had broken him. He lost who he was entirely, and it had been a process to crawl back. He knew what didn't belong to him now but ... that didn't make them any less real. They were still there, in his head, every bit as vivid as if he had lived through them himself.

And that's why, as he pulls back, and sits down a little more roughly than intended on the bed that he looks ... hurt? Confused? He's trying to reign it in as much as he can, but there's clearly a lot going on in there as he tries to untangle himself from her legs.

"I need some air."

[hatesgoodbyes]

Apparently things were more complicated than either of them had thought. She had no way of knowing what was going on inside his head, or the extent of the influence and damage was left in the wake of Epsilon, so she had no idea of just how deeply that misspoken word had cut. All she knew was that he stopped and she hadn't cum.

"Hey! What the fuck?" She moved and reached for him, trying to draw him back into bed, not having realized what she'd sid or jsut what it had done.

[agent_washington]

When he felt her touch him, he stops, shoulders sinking a little, and letting out a sigh. He turns back to face her, suddenly looking a lot more exhausted than she's probably ever seen him. He doesn't look like the young, warm guy that he was anymore.

"Look, it's ... it's complicated, but I just need a minute, alright?"

[hatesgoodbyes]

"A minute? What... did you... Christ. Fine whatever, how long till you can get it up again."Figures he'd cum early, just when things were getting good too. She'd been thinking maybe they should do this more, like a regular thing. Well not if he was going to turn Captain Misfire.

She snorted and scooted to the side of the bed to sit up, might as well do something until he was ready again. "Gonna get a beer, you want one?"

[agent_washington]

See that on his face, Tex? That look of pure exasperation, and more than a little surprise at how goddamn thick you're being? You couldn't be more off the mark.

He just looks at her for a minute, in disbelief at her reaction. Of course. He almost forgot who he was dealing with.

"No."

He turns away again, walking for the door and picking up his boxers off the floor.

[hatesgoodbyes]

"Hey!! Wash...goddammit! Wait!" She launched after him, not bothering to grab clothes clearly this was more important, and she was just now getting an inkling of that.

She caught up to him and snagged his wrist, twisting it to turn him to face her. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Everything was going fine and then you just ...flip out? What happened?"

[agent_washington]

He lets himself get turned to face her, and ... he wants to shout. He really does. But no. He's not going to. She doesn't know all of this, and he's not sure he wants her, or anyone else to.

"You're really asking this?" Because honestly, this should be damn obvious.

[hatesgoodbyes]

"Yeah, do I need to ask it again? There we were, and I was so fucking close... just about to-"

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Right.

She started laughing, it was a bizarre reversal of simmering anger to hilarity in a matter of seconds. "Oh god, I said... yeah ok. I get it. I can see where that would throw a speed bump in the bump and grind, but did we have to stop completely? I mean obviously I know who I am with and it was just a stupid fucking mistake."

[agent_washington]

And then she just starts laughing, and that look of exasperation comes right back. He pulls his wrist out of her hand, and just looks at her hard for a minute.

[hatesgoodbyes]

"What? Come one you're not seriously pissed at me are you? I fucked up, I called a name and it wasn't yours and I'm sorry. Can we go back to bed now?"

But he pulled away from her and she frowned, holy shit he was taking this seriously. Tex sobered and looked at him, her arms falling to her sides. "Ok, talk to me."