FAIL SEX MEME: THE FUCKING OLYMPICS EDITION

[zymemegy]

While it would be fantastic if it was, not all sex is magical. Sometimes, sex is awkward and funny or just really, really bad. Sometimes people just fail at it and don't know what they're doing! Or something goes wrong and ruins it all.

It's all about how you handle it...

- Post your character's name | series | preferences.
- Not anything you might not be interested in playing out.
- Others go to random.org and roll 1-3 for a type of fail, then 1-10 for specifics or make up your own.
- Respect others.
- Have fun!
- FUCKING OLYMPICS: Fail sex fails even more when you're trying out a new position! See if you can get into these. Alternatively, you and your partner literally are taking part in the Fucking Olympics and failing.

bodily functions →

1 ♦ happens to everyone...
You can't get it up or you're just not getting wet enough for this to be comfortable. Don't worry, this happens to everyone at some point.
2 ♦ cramps/injury!
Ouch, your leg is cramping or your back is protesting the position. Maybe you fell off the bed and hit your head. Ouch.
3 ♦ Can't get there.
Is it the position? Your partner? Whatever, you just can't get off tonight.
4 ♦ Broken!
Oh, oops, the condom broke. Or maybe you forgot to pull out fast enough, take your pill or some other contraceptive fail.
5 ♦ Embarrassing noises...
You just got caught passing gas or something equally embarrassing.
6 ♦ minute man
You just came way too fast.
7 ♦ blame it on the alcohol.
That last drink sounded great, but now you're literally too drunk to do anything.
8 ♦ I'm fine...
You can't do it because you're actually injured and your lover would definitely see if you took off your clothes. Maybe you can be clever about it...
9 ♦ love bites
Those aren't from your current partner... well, maybe there's a good explanation as to why they're there!
10 ♦ sick
You're down with a cold or flu and you just don't feel very sexy at all.


mental blocks →

1 ♦ guilty
You might want to, but you did something wrong and you don't feel like you should have the right.
2 ♦ distraction
You just have way too much on your mind to focus today...laundry, bills, work, school. Maybe you're just trying to figure out the plot to that movie you just saw!
3 ♦ not in the mood
You're tired or just not in the mood, no matter how hard you try.
4 ♦ wrong name
You just called out the wrong name... sorry, honey.
5 ♦ jealous
You think you saw your lover with someone else and you're too mad to care about sex right now.
6 ♦ it's not you- okay, so it is...
You're just so totally turned off by your lover right now...
7 ♦ over the line
Dirty talk is great, but not that name!
8 ♦ laughter is not always the best medicine
Your lover is trying so hard to be sexy for you, but you just can't stop laughing...
9 ♦ nervous
It's your first time and nerves are making it so hard to do. You just don't even know what you're doing...maybe you should wait!
10 ♦ trauma
Trauma is keeping you from enjoying this moment to the best of your ability.


outside influences →

1 ♦ caught in the act
You were caught in the middle of the act and the reaction wasn't great.
2 ♦ where did i put that...
You can't find the lube or the condoms or that nifty new sex toy...
3 ♦ phone
The phone just won't quit ringing!
4 ♦ another person's clothes...
You were getting hot and heavy until you find a suspicious item of clothing shoved under the pillow or cushion, maybe under the seat of the car! Hey, maybe there's an innocent explanation!
5 ♦ stop cockblocking me, bro!
That friend of yours is making sure you're not going to get any tonight... maybe on purpose.
6 ♦ threatened
You were threatened to not be with your lover anymore, so you better try to explain yourself.
7 ♦ Weather
Outside sex sounded great! Until the weather picked up... Snow or a lightning storm just aren't very sexy.
8 ♦ wrong person!
You just sent a sexy message or photo to more than just your lover!
9 ♦ I want to suck your duck
Auto-correct just wants to spice up your sexting, that's all.
10 ♦ not working...
That toy or being tied down is just not going to work for you...

Comments

Uzumaki Naruto :: OTA

[kuramaless]

oh my god what are we doing

[bladeisme]

[Things were going great! Better than great. Really awesome, actually. He didn't actually think something like this would happen, but he's not complaining. Nnnnope.

So here they are, right in the middle of the act. Moans, heat, really good feelings-it's all there.

...Riiiight up until Naruto gets his name wrong. Yep. That pretty much stops him in his tracks, staring in confusion and disbelief because

And he hopes he heard this wrong

but did Naruto just call him the name of the fucking Ramen shop?!]

What did you just call me?

Regulus Black | Harry Potter

[snakesroarquietly]

as discussed.

[ambiguosity]

Okay so maybe she'd kind of gotten used to this and they were normally really careful.

Really, really careful, but this time...

Andromeda was sitting on the side of the bed, her back to him, eyes closed as she kept her temper in check.

North Italy/Feliciano Vargas | Hetalia

[morethanpasta]

Saw this and said...yes. 6+4 from bodily functions?

[63usofa]

[At the moment America was happily bouncing up and down against the Italian. Everything was going extremely well to start off with, the foreplay was awesome and he felt really good inside of her. Same with that condom that he was using. Granted that if she had bothered to check, then the America. Probably would have noticed the rubbers being way beyond their date of expiration.]

Mm, Feliciano....

Tsukimi Kurashita | Princess Jellyfish | OTA

[jellyfishdreams]

Mai | Avatar: the Last Airbender | OTA

[maipokerface]

Steve Rogers | MCU | OTA

[puncheshitlerforjustice]

[Does anybody want an awkward 94 year old virgin? Preferably m/m but this is too hilarious not to OTA]

clint barton | mcu

[antes]

Merlyn (63!Merlin) ★ BBC's Merlin

[maidservant]

[ Modern au available! ]

Merlin ★ BBC's Merlin

[serving]

[ Modern au available! ]

3?

[propriety]

[ things started out well enough. as well enough as two drunk people fumbling around at a party can. and when she drags him towards one of the lesser occupied rooms, he seems completely into it. they fall onto the couch, limbs tangling, mouths pressing eagerly to one another. her hands slide down his chest as she moves to sit astride his lap, a playful (and oh-so-tipsy) smile parting her lips, hips rocking into his.]

Emma Swan • Once Upon A Time

[sheriffing]

felicity smoak • arrow

[prattled]

[ this girl is prime for awkward fail sex.]

Loki Laufeyson / MCU / open

[tradire]

The Riddler | Batman '66

[braintease]

[1-2 is especially in character...sex may also be broken up by authorities and/or Batman. These things happen.]

ginny weasley | hp

[hexuality]

Malcolm Meryln l Arrow l OTA

[welldressedevil]

Sansa Stark | ASOIAF/Game of Thrones | OTA

[isherarmor]

armin arlert | attack on titan

[unburdens]

( w e l p )

himeko oshiro || original || f/m

[rescar]

Makoto Tachibana | Free! | OTA

[sixfeet]

9 ♦ Nervous

[hydrophilics]

[ A lazy weekend finds itself filled with quality fighting games and terrible B-movies. Makoto's carpeted floor is littered with suggestions of both, along with an assortment of salty snacks, Haruka's minuscule 'sleepover' kit and an extra futon. It's all clear evidence that they'd tackled everything but required homework and early bedtimes Makoto's family had suggested they adhere to. Little surprise. It's almost an encouragement to disobey orders when said authority figures take a trip out of town.

As much as both know it'll be sorely regretted, come Monday morning, it seems like an impossible effort to even move an inch. The mere notion of untangling limbs and prying themselves off Haruka's often-borrowed futon in order to settle into their separate beds? An impossibility.

Something eventually sets Makoto off into a fit of laughter, be it the film's bad acting, crass humor or ridiculous slapstick, and it sort of echos backwards into the adjoining form. The low rolling sound settles in Haruka's own chest, where Makoto remains propped against, and somehow that's all it takes to kick-start a second, stronger thrum inside his ribcage. He can't say if it's due to a selfish sense of guilt at the immediacy of wanting them to just settle here, together, or if it's because his motives harbor a yet unnamed slant that's a far cry from anything platonic.

They're comfortable enough with each other that when exhaustion had lent them both to eventually collapse, Makoto's earlier lean into his shoulder (during the scenes meant to shock or startle) had turned into an accidental sort of spooning. A situation realized only after he catches himself watching more of Makoto's profile than the nonsense on-screen.

Mishmashed little jigsaw pieces of comprehension eventually coalesce, but the vague image of feelings they begin to paint of the situation hardly brings Haruka any comfort. Not when it gives the perception of him suddenly behaving so transparently. When every point of contact feels like a declaration and the proximity is no longer merely comfortable but suddenly something sought and wanted. ]

Ellen (fem!Eren) Jaeger | Attack on Titan AU | F/F

[dickless]

wildcard because i say so

[keepdusting]

[Lilith is all about consistency. She hates when things aren't tidy, and she abhors laziness. Ellen, of course, was both of these things. It was disgusting, really, an she had no idea why she was so interested in the cadet. A woman her age shouldn't have thought about those possibilities but she had and now they wouldn't stop. They'd had sex once before, when Lilith had discovered Ellen's virginity still intact (a quick fingering had done away with that,) behind one of the drill buildings when the lance corporal had cornered the taller girl. Then she hadn't talked to her young ward in days. She knew it was a bad move, what with having taken her... flower. It's actually the commander who makes her seek her out again. The blond woman was right, she shouldn't be so finicky.]

[So when she finds Ellen again, it's in the showers. The other girls have already left and she turns Ellen around against the wall.]

Oi, brat.

Säde Pekkanen-Winston | OC | OTA

[ishineon]

Body 8/Mental 9/Outside 7 why not let's do this.

[diemwnt]

It's happening. It's happening and that's a good thing.

Except that apparently God or Satan or whoever-the-fuck really, really doesn't want this to happen.

Which is mostly painful because when else were the stars otherwise going to line up? When else were they going to be alone at the Outposts? When else was he going to have taken a knife to the side defending her? When else was he going to stand up for his actions when she called him an idiot and bite back like a man with a spine because he had nothing else to lose? When else was she going to throw him against a tree for This Is Clearly Finally Happening?

Never. He was fairly certain never. Which meant now was the time to just. Grit through the pain spiking in his side and ignore the fact that his usually precise hands were fumbling like he'd never done this before and just.

Do it.

Could be worse, after all. Could be rain--

--yes. Yes, that seems about right.

Annie Riordan | OC | OTA

[oneirophiliac]

Apparently 1. :|a

[piqued]

They're usually Good, really. They usually limit themselves to just Brief Little Moments during the day--stolen little kisses, a lingering with their hands twined together, a few extra seconds to whisper 'I love you.'

It's just... they've both been busy. They've both been collapsing in bed at night. And they've got one of those rare moments of meeting in a hall with a tiny bit of time to spare before they've got to Be Somewhere and their room's too far but there's a closet big enough for two people and all the linen and it's just been So Long since they've Really Kissed which leads very much to remembering that it's been Even Longer since his hands were under her shirt and she'd fumbled open his belt and they'd--

--got absolutely stopped by a pounding on the door.

Fuck.

Or, you know. Not.

Iggy Xiu | OC | OTA

[sirforawhile]

Outside 8 for back in the daaaay when they were munchkins

[bluntforces]

Guess what! Back! I need like 30 of face time with the parents but I have a MIGHTY need for you and your mouth after that.

[Wait for it. Wait for it at least a full minute.]

HEY SORRY THAT WASN'T FOR YOU

[...but wait another minute.]

Unless you'd be into it I guess?

[Nailed it. Iggy aren't you glad Evan has your number.]

Portugal | Axis Powers Nyotalia | OTA

[sheshipsit]

[gezellig]

[Belgium was visiting. He always enjoyed his sister's company, but there were some things that you just didn't do when your little sister was in your house.

But apparently Portugal's house and her internet connection were fine. She'll probably hear some suspicious sounds as she walks into the house. He's not really doing anything, just watching a video on the internet.

Oh, and smoking inside her house. She wouldn't mind, right?]

Sakata Gintoki | Gintama | OTA

[pachintoki]

I am so sorry for this

[bladeisme]

[You know what's awkward during sex? falling off the bed. Especially when you're in a strange new position that neither of you have ever tried before. Why did they think that 'let's try all of these positions until we get tired' was a valid option?

So yep, that sure is Ichigo in a heap on the floor, rubbing his head from where he just banged it, glaring up at his partner.]

I thought you said you were hanging onto me!

[HIS TRUST, GINTOKI. YOU JUST BROKE IT. But instead of falling back and getting caught, it was supporting him through a very, um...acrobatic position.]