bakerstreet | What is it like?

[He does have something to lose; his friends' happiness, the chance for them to smile, laugh, and drink together again - even if he can't be there with them. Aubrey as much as states the contradiction. His friends aren't happy about what he's doing; his friends will be unhappy without him. But fuck. At least they'll be alive. If they could just fucking sit still, then at least they'd be alive.

[He could have stopped the Rumbling before it happened. He could have taken the risk; scared the world off for fifty years, let his friends live out the remainder of their lives that way.

[And then, fifty years after that, long after Eren's gone, Paradis is crushed by weapons that can out perform any titan.

[How could Aubrey possibly understand? He has a responsibility to act now. Sure. She can call it a "blaze of glory". He gets where she's coming from. But there's nothing glorious about any of it. It's all hell and rot and pain.

[He shakes his head again. His voice is as cold and eerily calm as ever.]

That isn't what I mean.

I'm dead - three years left at the most.

Rumbling or no rumbling, my friends will have to learn to live their lives without me. I'm just making sure they have lives to live.

No one will be able to stop our enemies once I'm gone.

And?

[Sympathy for the terminal? Aubrey’s coming up short, somehow. This is objectively new information, Eren’s apparent time limit—but god, it sounds like more of the same. Doom and hell and no chance of respite, and it blurs together in this revolting murk wrapped with Eren’s trademark chill.

[She’s sick of this wall. Doesn’t the ouroboros ever gag?]

You’re gone. You’re guaranteeing your friends jack shit. If they don’t kill themselves trying to stop you [ouch] who said they’ll be guaranteed life by the world you leave behind?

[It makes her cringe to say, actually. But it’s not for Eren’s sake. The attempted leverage backfires as she remembers Armin’s grip on his cup, the tapping on the table; his hands aren’t clean, either. (Why does Aubrey keep thinking about Armin now, anyway…?)]

[She’s almost tempted to tack on something else, because really, has this ever actually been about Eren’s friends? It’s harder to doubt that now, knowing what he’s capable of… but, if only out of stubbornness, Aubrey doesn’t want to buy it. So she’ll leave the statement, and try again to look dispassionate.]

[Eren stares at her. It takes a few seconds, but eventually, something in his brow pinches just slightly - the first small flicker of emotion he's shown in the past fifteen minutes.]

It doesn't matter how many times I explain it to you, does it?

We could both repeat ourselves all day long, and it wouldn't matter.

[Aaand now she doesn’t have to pretend.]

No. You win. I hate this stupid zombie horse; you hurt everyone who cares about you; you’ll die in three years. Whatever. I don’t care.
[Mhm. Real dispassionate.]

Happy?

[There's a long moment of silence. Nothing she's said is untrue. "Happy?" Not by a long shot, but that would be of no surprise to her either.

[Eren catches something, though. He was wrong. There was one lie from Aubrey's mouth. He's certain of it.]

You do care.

You're hurt.

Why?

[There’s a faint temptation to laugh. She doesn’t. It’d be a dead sound anyway.

[Eren does, at least, get an eyebrow raise of faint, dry amusement.]

Gee, I don’t know. Guess stupid, naive me was hoping you might be a little different? [Not really a question. They both know, far as Aubrey can tell, the idea’s just as bullshit as all the rest of this.]

My life’s greatest trial now is that Eren Jaeger stopped being nice to me. Big deal. [Annoyingly, phrasing it like that makes it feel worse somehow. But like, what; is she gonna beg and plead for him to not be like this? Come on.]

[He went too far in that barracks. She saw him. But, what was he supposed to do? Let her bleed to death? Let her freeze to death?

[Yes.

[That's exactly what he should have done; be rid of this detriment once and for all, assuming the universe would allow her to die without incident. Eren's wondered about that, but seeing as she's still shifting around as though she's in pain, he assumes the wound is still healing.

["I'm not going to let you die."

[He still means it. Why? As desperate and human as ever; even he needs something to cling to? And for all that effort he's put into being alone. If he scared Aubrey away for good, it would be what's best for both of them. But Eren's never been any good at scaring his friends away.

[..."Friends"? That isn't the right word, surely.]

I don't know what difference you're searching for. I never became anyone else.

[Does that make it better or worse? The kindness she saw was as much a part of him as the cruelty; even he won't acknowledge that, of course.]

Jesus fucking christ, that’s not what I meant—

[It actually was, when she said it, but. After an eyeroll,] That’s been in you all along. You care about your friends; you’ve been telling me that from day one. [Not that Aubrey would consider them friends, either, by any stretch of the word.]

You still have the potential to not be a hopeless sack of shit. [Hm, is this why Eren keeps himself hollow? Because Aubrey’s surprised her voice hasn’t started shaking yet. She can certainly feel the tunnel vision setting in, more of this stupid goddamn emotion that she’ll apparently never get to be done with. It’s just coming out in scathing words, this time.] But you’re hellbent, right? Such a compliment.

["That’s been in you all along."]

I was different once? Is that what you’re trying to say?

[As cold as ever:]

Of course I was.

[Of course some of that would still flicker through, try as he might to control it. Try as he might…]

I was there in the barracks too, Aubrey. I’m not stupid. I’m not trying to convince you that what happened wasn’t real.

[He might have been trying to convince her of that - until he saw it wasn’t working.]

That conflicts you. I can understand that.

But you’re right. It doesn’t change anything - not in a way that matters.

All of this? [He makes just a small gesture to the space surrounding them.]

It’s temporary.

[They are temporary.

[Makes this all the more dangerous, honestly. Eren’s heart beats just a little faster at some realization he hasn’t fully processed yet.]

[“I was different once?” Actually, no. Or, yes? As long as Aubrey has known him, Eren has been like this—cold and blunt and full of everything she hates to hear. She already knows, or at least has an idea, that he wasn’t always so detached.

[But what’s she got to show for it, mutual vulnerability in a desperate situation? He probably just took pity on her. It’s stupid. It’s so, so stupid. It doesn’t change shit. Or maybe that’s what she’s telling herself now, because acting like it did matter didn’t work—god, god, fuck, ‘work,’ what is she even trying to accomplish here?]

[Aubrey is tense. Eren might see it as pain, and he wouldn’t be wrong; the wound is background static, at this point. Mostly, Aubrey feels like she’s going to explode, and she wants to go home.]

“Temporary”?! [It’s a hoarse bark of a word.] Fuck off, Jaeger. We are here until whatever sick gods put us here change th— [Hah, what, ~change their minds~? What a rich thought.]

—No. You think I’m stupid? You should have let me die when you had the chance. [Without a trace of self-pity. They both know it, don’t they?]

[Fists gripping tight around nothing, she turns to leave.]
There’s no coming back from this.

[”There’s no coming back for me.”

[Eren’s not sure why he says what he says next.]

If you walk away now, this world will only pull us back together.

You can’t run from me.

[Yeah. Of course he wouldn’t acknowledge anything else.]

[Fuck him, though; it gives her pause. She tries to glare back with something disinterested, but she’s too heated. That hasn’t changed, either, overall.]

Oh, I know I can’t.

Worry about yourself.

[Said like a threat.]

I can't run from you either.

We're in the same boat. I realize that.

It doesn't scare me the way you think it does.

[It scares him worse. Much worse.

[He isn't ready to ache over anyone else; he promised himself he would never let that happen again, that he's at his fucking limit - and it burns, burns, burns like a brand on his heart.

[Goddamn this stupid brat!]

[Hm.
Fine.
She’ll entertain him this:]

Then just how does it scare you.

[And if he tries to turn the question around so help her she is leaving.]

[Everything in Eren screams "that's not what I meant" and "it doesn't scare me at all" - but he can sense she's about to run, and he doesn't want that. Why doesn't he want that?

[He stares at her for a long time. He lets irritation - hell, anger - seep into his expression. He concedes and shows his temper, lets her have that satisfaction if that's what she wants (he's sure it is...).

[Then, finally, stiffly, every consonant chewed up and spat back out, he says:]

You're my detriment.

[Aubrey does indeed watch the storm churn on Eren’s face, while her own falls… somewhere near blank, in idle and ever-morbid curiosity. This is what she’s been waiting for, isn’t it? She’s gotten under his skin before, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But whatever he’s about to say, he very clearly does not want to. And…]

[“You’re my detriment.”]

[That’s it?]

Hah.

[Get your own words, buddy.]

I knew that.

[And with that, she’s off—but not before flashing him a downright wicked grin. There’s no joy in her eyes, still—but it’s probably the closest to non-melancholy happiness Eren has seen her yet.]

[Just this once, she’ll quit while she’s ahead.]

What is it like?

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