bakerstreet | sept wa

[ It is difficult to keep a straight face, that's what it is. ]

Truth.

Questionable.

[ Half-truths and evasions. Those are Kaeya’s specialty, aren’t they? ]

[ It's his shield and armour all at the same time. ]

Choice.

[ He’s annoyed now. Mostly because he doesn’t really have any right to be annoyed and he knows it. He’s always known it. What was Kaeya, an abandoned child back then, supposed to choose? He never had a choice. Diluc knew that and yet, this fact could not quell the raging inferno in his heart that he felt when Kaeya told him the truth of his origins. Nor can he do it now when he thinks of Kaeya confessing this so shortly after Diluc had euthanized their father by his own hand.

Maybe he’s just mad Kaeya burdened him with the secret too. ]

Inevitable.

[ Just what did Diluc mean by that? It’s getting more and more cryptic. He sometimes wished he never said anything, but the guilt would have eaten him alive. The timing was atrocious, but he wanted to believe if anyone would accept him, Diluc would. He put his trust in Diluc only to be slapped in the face and utterly thrown out. But he can’t really blame Diluc, at the end of the day, these are choices that he made and none of it is Diluc’s fault. ]

Guilt.

[ Diluc’s lips tighten as he presses them together, breathing deep through his nose. They’re barely saying anything at all and still, he doesn’t want to do this anymore. He doesn’t want to talk about the worst night of his life. He doesn’t want to talk about how alone and anguished Kaeya’s confession made him feel on that night. It’s not that he doesn’t care; it’s that he cares too much. ]

…I’ve had enough of this childish game. We’re done here.

[ He’s only ever wanted to apologize so many times in the past, he doesn’t know, three years. Every time he approaches Diluc, it’s a reminder of the burning sensation and the scar —and it throbs every time he remotely thinks about him. He doesn’t want to give this up, but he has to admit that maybe, this has gone on for far too long. If Diluc wants to walk away from this, he might as well tell him what he really feels, maybe then he won’t have to feel like shit every single day. ]

Diluc, please.

[ Is this going to lead to more regrets? ]

Just wait, I- I need to apologize to you.

[ If Diluc walks away even after his pleading, then he knows it’s a lost cause. ]

[ Walk away.

He knows he ought to.

Just walk away.

He should. Once he turns around, there will be no going back, no ending this quick. And yet, Diluc finds his boots suddenly weigh impossibly heavy. He can’t take another step, but nor can he look back. The desperation in Kaeya’s voice is not something Diluc has heard in a long time and the sound of it still makes him hesitate. ]

Apologize… What could you possibly tell me now…

[ He didn't even realize he was holding his breath until now.

But it seems like there is some saving grace after all. He looks down, unsure of his next words. He's started this, now he has to finish it, and whether or not he will receive the answer he wants is anyone's guess—but he knows the response he deserves, but that'd just break his heart. Honestly, he'd be willing to let Diluc trample his heart to pieces if it came to that, but right now, his priority is making sure he's actually voicing out the thoughts he wants Diluc to hear. ]

I don't think I've ever apologized for what happened that night. I didn't know how to.

[ It's a bitter laugh that escapes him. He wishes his heart would stop thundering in his chest like this. ]

After you left, I spent months trying to pick myself back up, trying to convince myself that I was okay without you. I've lost count of how many times I wanted to drop everything to find you, but you needed your space, and I respected that. And when you came back and pretended that I didn't exist, it shattered me, although I doubt it's anything close to how you felt that night.

[ He can't walk away now. ]

The bottom line is, I missed how we were before. There's part of me that wished I didn't tell you, but I couldn't live with myself. I know I screwed up the timing, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Master Crepus died.

If I had any way to give you back your life, I would. Believe me, I've tried.

[ He feels so empty. ]

[ Diluc remains motionless and listens. He listens to what Kaeya has to say, not uttering a word, not so much as batting an eyelash. It is only when the other young man mentions Crepus that Diluc gives any indication that he was, in fact, hearing everything that was said. A quiet, sharp intake of breath and Diluc grits his teeth, hand at his side balling into a tight fist. He didn’t expect Kaeya to apologize for that and the shock of hearing him say his father’s name aloud is like being plunged into ice-cold waters. His voice dies in his throat before the words ever leave his tongue and his heart stutters painfully in his chest, all of him in the agonizing throes of wanting to comfort Kaeya and wanting to keep himself safe from being subjected to more hurt.

Diluc swallows thickly, closes his eyes for a moment and bows his head. He can feel his nails biting into his palm even through his glove from how tight his fist is. It takes him longer than he would like for him to find his voice again. ]

I don’t blame you for not being there. But we can’t go back. What’s done is done.

[ He takes a deep breath and raises his head. He finally unclenches his fist, flexing his sore fingers, and adjusts his glove. He still doesn’t look back at Kaeya. A part of him does not want to see his face and be reminded of their battle, of what he’d done to him. He knows he owes Kaeya a score of apologies too, but he doesn’t have the nerve to so much as offer them. It wouldn’t change the fact that he still turned his back on Kaeya when the younger man trusted him and dared to be the most vulnerable with him that he’d ever been before in his life. It won’t change that he turned his blade on Kaeya and nearly took his sight. It won’t change that he couldn’t — and still can’t to a degree — see past his own hurt to realize that Kaeya had always been there for him, had always been loyal to the people who took him in. It won’t change the fact that he couldn’t save their father. It won’t change how alone his actions rendered both of them after Crepus’s death.

No number of apologies would heal the injuries they’ve inflicted on each other and Diluc knows he doesn’t have any right to ask for Kaeya’s forgiveness. Unable to fully forgive and unable to be forgiven. He doomed them both to this hell, didn’t he? It’s his own fault they are this broken now, not Kaeya’s. ]

You did what you had to and I did what I had to. Apologies won’t change the past. I can’t give you back your life either.

Edited (addendum + typos) 2023-09-15 06:20 (UTC)

[ Ah, it’s the response he deserves. He feels like this is what he needs to really break out of the shell of delusion that he trapped himself in. But maybe it’s a good thing that he’s both confessed and gotten the answer that he desperately wanted to hear—despite not being the one he hoped for. All those years spent in front of the mirror looking past himself and to Diluc’s retreating figure have led him here. And all those quiet rehearsals in his mind before entering Angel’s Share every single time have inevitably pointed to this moment in time where he stands, looking at Diluc’s back once more. It’s like a repeat of the past—a bitter reminder of what he wanted to convey, but couldn’t. It’s a cold and painful reminder of the consequences of his actions and his lies.

Ultimately, there is no space for excuses. He understands that the reason is that he had hurt Diluc to this extent, and he must lie on the bed that he made, to take responsibility for the mistakes he committed. And more than that—he’s made countless mistakes over and over again, trying to protect himself after Diluc’s return, and refusing to be sincere. He had been the one to push Diluc past his breaking point, trying to push for something that perhaps Diluc is not ready for, and probably never will be ready for, so yes, the answers are deserved. And perhaps it will be for the rest of his life.

He figures that this is ultimately how things are going to end. The attempt to give Diluc his poorly bandaged heart is once again shattered by the reality he failed to see—or rather, he didn’t want to see. The stark contrast between the Diluc of the past and the Diluc of the present is divided by one singular factor, and that’s his lies. He should leave—he should have let it die off years ago, this stupid attempt to reconcile. Even after years of trying to develop himself as a person beyond Diluc’s shadow, he can’t bear to step beyond the cage that he’s willfully locked himself in. It’s unfortunate that he’s so willing to believe that Diluc would allow him to be the person he once was that he had forgotten he had a choice at all in the matter. At the end of the day, he’s never really had a choice—not in his past, and certainly not in the present. He’s backed himself into a corner with nowhere to go, and he can’t even bear to push past the looming back that is Diluc to reach for something else.

After all, it’s his sin to bear.

And Diluc is right—what is done is done. For Kaeya, Diluc has become a different person than before. Maybe it was never meant for the two of them to be close again, because life has a way to beat him down even when he believed he’s hit rock bottom. Diluc’s words were proof that he had not reached the bottom, and perhaps he was just meant to fall until he could not anymore. What would it feel like to fall, to descend into this abyss without so much as a bottom?

It is time to make a choice, despite knowing that it will all inevitably lead to ruin. Diluc had made his choice, and so has he. He’s done all that he can, after all. One cannot force someone to forgive, and neither can he. Diluc will always walk away, like he’s always done, leaving Kaeya to pick up the pieces, because that’s how things have been. He has long since stopped fighting it, because when push comes to shove, Kaeya will never, ever leave the shade that is Diluc’s shadow. And that’s his own choice.

Because he loved—and will continue to love—the person who had brought the sun into his life, and even when the sun sets at night, when the stars come out, he will never stop loving the relationship they once had.

Even if it’s gone. ]

I don't need you to give me back my life—I never needed it. All I ever wanted was to give you yours. If I could achieve that, even if it's just for a moment, then it's enough. But I know you'll probably never let me in, so I suppose this is how it will always be.

[ Diluc will always move forward while facing the past, and Kaeya will always stand in the past while looking on to the future. They are, after all, walking different paths now. ]

I suppose you'd want to forget this ever happened.

[ Diluc feels like an idiot. He can’t just walk away, expect to have the final word, because Kaeya just never gives up. Nearly killing him didn’t make him give up. Three years of physical separation didn’t make him give up. Derision and little more than annoyed grunts on a daily basis didn’t make him give up. Why would this?

The words pierce his heart, shot straight like merciless arrows through his body. It hurts and Diluc’s hand comes up immediately to clap over his eyes as they sting, Kaeya’s assault to his emotions ever relentless.

“I don’t need you to give me back my life— All I ever wanted was to give you yours.”

Diluc’s shoulders slump and he feels his breath catch again in his throat.

“ I suppose you'd want to forget this ever happened." As if the gods would allow him such a mercy. ]

…There is so much I wish I could forget, Kaeya. So much I wish we both could. But I remember everything. I remember it all. Every day. Every single day, I remember.

[ If Diluc knew that Kaeya thinks he’s moving forward without him, he might actually laugh for once. It is fundamentally flawed thinking to believe Diluc does not live in the past too. He lives with ghosts. It’s all he thinks about. Every day, he is reminded of it. When he passes the vase Kaeya gave him that once contained his Vision gem that he couldn’t get rid of even after he’d emptied it; when he walks the grounds of the vineyard alone at night, with just the orange lamps scattered around and the gentle glow of anemo crystalflies to light his path; everything reminds him of what he’s lost. And he can’t just accept it and let go of the past. ]

All the time. Every day, I remember Father is not here. Every day, I remember the boy I used to know is gone too. If I could forget anything, I could be happy.

[ If there's one thing that Kaeya realizes about their interaction, it's that Diluc, too, is haunted by the events all those years ago. The same event that haunts Kaeya's every waking moment as well as his dreams. It would be more accurate to call them nightmares that haunt him, and he's sure after this that Diluc probably sees them too. If Kaeya had to witness the killing of his own father by his own hand every night, no doubt he'd have already gone crazy. It's amazing how Diluc manages to hold on, even manage to speak to Kaeya like this. Maybe it was wrong of him to push Diluc like this, to push him to this extent.

He never felt so selfish. If he had not opened his mouth to say anything before, would they be different? He doesn't know. But the problem also lies in this notion of keeping the trauma. He knows firsthand what kind of damage that can bring. In fact, he's witnessing it right now, in both of them. Kaeya's own nightmares consist of the fight between the two, and it either ends with one of them dying so bloodily that he wishes he could actually blind himself in order to never see the colour red again.

The pain makes them who they are, ultimately, and to forget is to deny themselves of their existence. How easy it would be to just forget the most painful moment of their lives. He, too, wishes for that kind of easy escape, but life has a way of reminding him of all the harm he's caused. Maybe Diluc is better off without him, no—Diluc is better off without him. He's not sure where he will go at this point, maybe stop showing up at the tavern, never cross paths with Diluc ever again, or maybe leave entirely. But Mondstadt is the city that raised and loved him, and he has a duty to protect it.

Whether it was intentional or not, Diluc left the city to Kaeya—it was the only way he could cope with the pain. He trusted Kaeya to take care of his home. If that thought was a delusion of some kind, it didn't matter, he'd surrender himself to believing that was the truth. ]

Diluc, you can't keep on wasting away like this, even if you can't forgive me, at least forgive yourself. I can live with you hating me, but I can't stand watching you destroy yourself.

[ He would happily be Diluc's punching bag or pincushion if it meant that Diluc would stop tormenting himself. ]

If you want me to leave, I will. If you want me to disappear, I will. If you want me to give you my life, I will. Please, Diluc, I'll give you anything. Anything to stop you from tormenting yourself.

sept wa

was gonna write "undeserved" there initially but thought that was too depressing

that might have caused a liiittle argument 🥺

whoops ;;

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pls feel free to have kaeya stop him

Oh he will >:)

oh no… ;;

these twooooo ;; always bring a tear to my eye ;;

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aww not me weeping at this;; I love your writing so much