bakerstreet | $$$$$$

One handful of peanuts: at-home ghost hunting, all tools of trade included, you provide the creepy noises, shaking walls and exaggerated anecdotes of what was likely your cat tipping over a vase at night.

Two handfuls of peanuts, extra crispy: joyful exorcism of ghostly or demonic presences. Discretion over your immodest state during the possession mostly guaranteed. Biting fees apply.

An entire generous bag of peanuts, no shells: weaponising the ghosts of your enemies against them for a custom revenge experience. Due to popular demand, there is now a discounted mother and daughter-in-law package for a limited period.

+ extra chilli powder: A donkey brays beautifully in the background throughout your service.

Company pledge: no spirits will be harmed in the making of your revenge.

Service not performed at households with dogs.

Edited 2021-12-04 21:11 (UTC)

[ The mysterious hooded figure sits in a shady corner, an aura of general darkness surrounding him as he shuffles a deck of cards with clawed hands.

The sign above him reads Your Fortune Told in flickering neon, but below it messy, splattered paint THE CARDS NEVER LIE. ]

Yo, fate-peddler. I'm feeling saucy, so why don'tcha give me a little reading?

[He hates fate, really, but there's also curiosity. Why not, right? He's here, he has all the money anyone could ask for, and this mysterious dude looks fun as fuck.]

Name your price. Whatever your little heart could desire. There's a 50/50 that I could create it, no monthly repayments or anything!

[ Deadlock's voice is exactly what you would imagine from a hooded, sinister magical guy found in a dark corner. Harsh, ghostly, echoing... well-deserving of black speech bubbles that look like smoke. ]

An interesting proposition... And one that you would not make lightly if you knew what my heart desires...

[ The cards spiral and twist in talons that shouldn't be able to perform such delicate moves. Some proper magic users look down on card tricks as the work of mere stage magicians, but Deadlock believes that cards, be they tarot or common, are powerful tools. Being able to play tricks with them is proof you get it. ]

Instead, let my reward be decided once your telling is complete. Let your satisfaction decide what to offer this humble seer. My suspicion is that your imagination will be sufficient.

[ Deadlock flicks six cards from the top of the deck into a cross configuration, four to the sides, two in the middle, all face down. ]

Let us begin! Each card's location is as important as its contents. We will begin with the card representing your present challenge.

[ That would be the top card in the middle, which he flips over. Three Of Wands. Deadlock's card depicts a withered man, leaning heavily against three stakes in the ground, broken shackles on his feet and gazing out the ocean from a cliff edge. ]

Ah... this card is one indicating travel and freedom, expansion of self. Change and adventure. However, it requires foresight! If you proceed without planning ahead, you will plummet from the cliff, not reach the opposite shore. This may mean that there is some small detail you have missed that will keep you from reaching your goals.

That's why I said 50/50, pal. I either can, or I can't! But I'm not gonna make you take my payment when you're the merchant, am I? [If the man wants to play ball like that, then who's Chaos to deny him? He reaches out with one leg, using his nasty bare toes to latch onto a nearby seat and pull it over. Gotta be comfy while he listens, after all.

...The card show's almost worth dedicating his attention span for alone, gets a little golf clap in response so as to not disturb the pure vibes.

And then he listens, rapt. It helps that Deadlock would appear to be, at the very least, the sort of showman you could buy into completely (and that's without the whole 'massive magical dick energy' he's putting out there). Fate-reader or no, Chaos can't help but admire the art put into all of this. He's not going to admit that, however. That'd be boring as hell! Instead, once the Three of Wands is revealed and defined, he groans petulantly and rocks back in his illicitly-gained seating.]

Aw hell. You can't just tell me that, I'm all about improvisation! You're killing me here, boss. Guess I'll just have to set up a little itinerary and suck it up, if that's what the cards say. You're promising absolute truth on that, after all; I'll trust the process, even if it blows big chunks.

Hey...'fore we hit the next card. You ever do readings for yourself? Or is that like...Bad juju?

[ It probably says a lot about how goddamn weird Deadlock's life is that the disco oni (disconi) is just another Tuesday for him so far. ]

I am always well prepared.

[ That seems to be his summing up of both doing readings for himself and the advice for the coming challenge. He does have plans, all the time, but sometimes winging it is the best scheme. But he does like to seem impressive and adds some extra showmanship. He waves his hand over the west card, and as the shadow passes over it, it swaps from face down to face up. The card depicts a woman in heavily witchy attire, her high heeled boots using the same withered man from the last card as a footrest. Most prominently, she holds a huge sword with one hand, resting on the back of the man's neck. ]

Ah... The Queen of Swords. This card's position represents the past, and offers insight on your present challenge. It indicates independent thought and an objective viewpoint. In its current position, that implies that a choice you made in the past which seemed wise at the time is related to the coming challenge... Perhaps the detail you are missing is not an unknown secret, but something you are already aware of but not consciously considering. That is the weight of the sword on your neck.

Polar opposites, polar opposites...Gotcha. Can't say I don't admire a man with dedication to all outcomes.

[More golf claps--

Well now, isn't this a fascinating card? He leans in closer, eyebrows raised and sunglasses pushed up to his horns, all just to stare at this very, very interesting artwork. The stare's held for a few seconds, before he looks back up to Deadlock and grins real wide.]

So you're telling me it's not my love for hard rock women coming to bite me on the ass, but the consequences of my past actions? I got excited there! Any woman who goes lookin' like that must be a hell of a ride, right buddy?

[Now he's curious, though. This is clearly some sort of magic, obviously, duh, but is it also confirmation bias alongside? Likely, but also unlikely enough with current company and that signage; if he can half-exist as he is, then is it really such a jump to imagine that someone might genuinely have ways to see into one of many futures? Or at least see into his concrete past? He wants to probe, wants to tear these cards apart to see the trick laid bare, and yet...The rabbit hole looks deeper yet.] Dunno if I really got it in me to be makin' wise choices, though...Let's see what else ya got in there.

[ Even looking directly up into Deadlock's hood reveals nothing about what's in there... aside from a pair of red glowing dots that may just be his eyes, though the glare fades quickly. ]

In point of fact, all of the cards can be interpreted entirely literally. For example, it is wholly possible this reading implies a woman from your past- [ He points a talon at the queen, before moving to the wands. ] -will chase you off a cliff, where you will land on...

[ The tip of that nine-inch nail of his flips the east card. The figure this one depicts is, in fact, quite close to Deadlock in appearance. A cloaked and hooded figure, on a dark throne between two crumbling pillars. One hand holds a staff with a pentagram atop it, the other hand empty but throwing up devil horns. The withered man and Queen of Swords sit before him, listening to wisdom. ]

A priest.

[ Deadlock lets that mental image settle for a second before continuing his more dramatic interpretation as if he never said anything weird and stupid in the first place. ]

The Hierophant is a powerful card to have in the future position. Some believe the card usually embodies tradition and conformity, but that is not necessarily so- it can be the simpler and stronger idea of identifying with another and obtaining wisdom from learning their point of view. In the future position, it could indicate learning your very purpose through another individual. An interesting combination with your prior cards... A misstep in the past, putting you on a path to enlightenment in the future...

Goooooood morning! Have a drink on me. I can even get you shrimp. Maybe some nice-moving classical music? No? I hate classical music, too! People that like it are all pompous jerks. Not like you. You are not pompous. No, sir.

I am Princess Carolyn. Say, it IS difficult finding good things in this multiverse, isn't it? Us girls do know how hard is it to profit on heroics, and I immensely sympathize with it. It's not because we can actually become rich by profiting off your image and all your ancillary rights.

I'm from a company called VIM. We are a group that believes in the power of stories, but to make those stories become known, we make them happen thanks to the magic of Hollywoo. We can get you right into the industry and make you rich and famous beyond words.

Oh, don't have a story to tell? It's alright. We can adapt absolutely anything into a show or movie! From books everyone knows but nobody has read; to season greeting cards. Sometimes an actor is all what's necessary to bring it all into gear, and if I can make it happen.

Or-- Oh, fish. Wait a sec. Click. You drove through a McDonalds and did what!? Oh, for-- I'll get the store to sell those burgers and tell them you made them. Do NOT remove your pants while I come to you. Click. Anyway, some talents also need some practice in protecting public image, and we can do that too. I'm the best at fixing other people's problems while ignoring my own, so that makes me the greatest helper you can have in the industry.

Like what you hear? Call me!

Edited 2021-12-04 22:01 (UTC)

[ That sure is a lot of words. Coming from a talking pink cat. Did he really drink that much? Multiverse indeed. ]

[ Still, the sheer avalanche of a pitch has Timothy snapping out of his -- well, sad derealization at the estate bar, pretty much. Even though at first he somewhat vehemently shakes his head. ]

No, no, you've got it wrong. I'm no talent, I was only in those movies [ pornography, most likely ] because my former employer sort of, ah, coerced me to under a very real threat of death and --

[ Wait. Wait, did she just say that she could clean up people's image-destroying messes in like, three thousand words? Because that is -- okay, he doesn't even dare dream that anything can be done about his particular situation, but that almost stirs something like hope in him. ]

[ All hands to deck. Okay, he's done this before, easy peasy. Just take a deep breath and be a smug, confident, charming PSYCHOPATH. He pulls his chair a bit so that he's actually facing her and pours her a drink from that bottle that she had offered him with what he hopes is a winning smirk. Even his tone seems to have changed. ]

-- aaaaaand I was just thinking how great it would be to finally work with someone who takes my aptitude seriously. I'm a natural, sugar! You could say I've been acting my whole life! [ he may be companionably laughing, but he's weeping on the inside because it's true and he wishes it didn't have to be. Oh god, let him deliver all this without his voice shaking. ] I can even cry on command and do my own stunts, saving an obscene amount of money for any company willing to hire me. [ Yes, he mentioned that on purpose. He may be green at entertainment but boy, does he know corporate. In all the worst ways. ]

There's just one teensy tiny problem I've got. My former employer, you see, turned out to be a genocide-obsessed, planet-busting megalomaniac -- and he happens to look exactly like me. Exactly. But is not me. I mean, I'm not him. Two different people. [ Okay, that just sounds suspect now. Abort mission. Divert! ] My own resume is spotless, really, but you can see how this can cause some... unfortunate image problems. Is this something you could help me with?

[ the grossest of winks. ]

Or would it be too much for you?

[ Sure way to get any career person invested: make it a challenge. Sort of. Hopefully. He actually has no idea what to do if it does work but he just has to try everything. Even if it's pink cat talent agents from the other end of the multiverse. ]

[ She performs the most professionally-practiced of all friendly giggles, as she picks the glass with the absolute confidence of either a workaholic or a sociopath. ]

Not at all! It's part of my job to do these things. You can be a comic book supervillain plotting to steal the world's oceans to build an underwater palace, and VIM would be right there covering your back and your fame.

We're just gonna need an advance in order to get started on the process, as well as a few small things of note before we begin the process of cleaning up your public image.

[ Given her ex at multiple points was Boja--bleeeeuuuugh! of all people, Princess Carolyn gained a superhuman tolerance towards creeps. It is why Princess Carolyn leans forward, projecting that aura of friendliness and definitely not at all of a predatory talent agency or management seeking to siphon all your money and sanity.

Which is why she somehow has an inch-thick legal document with her that she places on the table with even more practice. ]

All you need is to sign the dotted line. Here, here, aaaaaaand here. It's just a formality, really! Just a little legalese in order to make our relationship work out in case things get out of hand. After all, Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.

Edited (fixed an italics code.) 2021-12-05 02:53 (UTC)

[ oh boy ]

[ He chooses to ignore the red flags because all of this still sounds better than his current situation, but the inch-thick contract does make his fake smarmy expression falter for a moment. ]

[ On one hand, he's fucked up his entire life with one of those. On another, it's not like he'd been tricked via small font or anything, so his trauma does not necessarily dictate that he reads it all thoroughly this time. ]

[ Okay. Cool. Cool cool cool. What would Jack do? Probably sign the papers without looking, then throw them and the person responsible out of an airlock. Timothy would much, much rather not do that. Should he ask to read it through? But if he comes off as distrustful, she might pull the offer, and for once, it really does sound like she could help him -- ]

[ It can't get any worse, right? ]

Do you take credit card, pumpkin? [ bleeeeugh. He reaches into his jacket for a pen, his grin just a tad hysterical as he flips through a few pages with exaggerated carelessness. ] It doesn't say I'm forfeiting rights to my kidneys somewhere in there, does it?

Of course I can take it! Any business prepared enough can take anything as payment, in order to make everything work out. We are currently working on seeing if we can accept both Cryptocurrencies and those ugly monkey jpegs rich people pay millions for.

[ As soon as those papers are signed, Princess Carolyn neatly picks the stack up and stores it back into her briefcase. She extends a hand forward to shake. ]

And don't worry, we here at VIM are always concerned for the welfare of our talent, so the moment you sign, you are officially a friend of everyone in our beloved company.

I'm going to treat you as a friend, starting now.

[ Said professional relationship begins by slapping Jack in his Handsome face, and holding him by his collar. ]

What were you thinking, Captain Dumbshit? People need a planet to live in, and gentrification has made houses expensive.

You think people are going to buy the 'someone that looked at me did it' excuse? We call them deepfakes now. Get in with the times! How do you think Secretariat was filmed?

[ For a fleeting, magnificent moment, Timothy thinks that he's finally found an answer to his problems. Perhaps now he can finally be free from Jack's shadow, start a new -- ]

Ow!

[ You know what, that's valid. He can't argue with that. He too would love to slap Jack if the opportunity presented itself and he had the balls for it. Unfortunately, right now, he's the closest thing to him around for slapping. And frankly, he's not a huge fan. ]

[ His hand rises to his abused cheek as he gives Princess Carolyn a sort of betrayed look. Oh, he's so naive, isn't he? Why did he think falling for the same bait a second time would fix the first one's problems? What was wrong with him? ]

Look, lady, I get how you feel, I really do, but I've just explained t-that -- you've got the wrong guy!

[ The lack of violent retaliation and the stutter is probably rather significantly un-Jack, but then, it's not like the bastard hasn't lied to people before. It's probably exactly what he would do if he was trying to appear harmless on a new turf. ]

[ ...he's really fucked seven ways through Sunday, isn't he? ]

Yeah, and I'm Amelia Earhart, so let's get to work. I want my part of the cut from this.

[ She releases Timothy from his grasp to toss him back to his chair. She then throws another pile of papers. ]

We're gonna begin with an "I am Sorry" video. I've got the script and everything to work it out, even the selected soundtrack (standard stuff), so get practicing. Remember the points in which you have to sigh and pause, and tell everyone you're sorry they feel about you being the biggest handsome jack of all asses to ever live.

After that, you will have to go on an Apology Tour around the planet. I don't know what's sold the most where you're from, but since a lot of worlds host heroes of all ages, you will need the companies on the planet to sell a twelve-for-one, all-ages "Apology Gun Pack" while on tour.

[ She then turned to him. ]

What's the budget we're working with? Ten million? Twenty?

[ He lands in his seat with a little "oof". Wow, he certainly seems like a pushover for somebody who looks like he committed several mass genocides? ]

But -- I didn't do anything.

[ As this seems to not have any effect he was hoping for, he sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose and picks up the script. ]

[ --Okay, you know what, he did kill a bunch of people and exotic species. It was self-defense, mostly, but ah. Maybe his worldview is getting skewed at this point. But wouldn't apologizing for Jack's crimes be pretty much like admitting that he'd done it himself? ]

[ ...does it matter, if he can still sort it out? Okay, accidentally salvaging Jack's reputation would suck, but. ]

That's-- that's spot on, actually. Guns are sold the most on this side of the universe.

[ He turns a page. Oh, he's going to be here a while. ]

[ The proposed budget has him almost dropping the book with a sort of kitten-strangling twitch to his hands. Twenty million? ]

Whoa, whoa, let's not getting carried away now. Few bandit-infested planets are hardly worth that much. [ Somehow, his inflection does sound rather Jack-like there for a moment. Must be that latent DNA shot stirring in his system again. ]

[ He's actually... much better off now than when he had to take this job. Adventuring (and grave robbing) pays a lot, as it turns out, plus he'd had access to some Hyperion funds to further the illusion of authenticity. Nothing significant, of course, but it would probably be more than enough. Well, you know, if he wasn't considering that he might still need to save enough for a remote farm on Eden 6 in case all of this spectacularly goes down in flames. ]

Imaginative and thoughtful stories to fit your personal disposition and needs! Allow this humble wordsmith to colour the canvas of your mind with the delicate paints of prose that could move the iciest of hearts!

A tale of terror, a mystery for all, a world of surreal avantgardism! Romance! Adventure! Science Fiction! No genre is out of reach!

Even the obscene can be reached, but that may cost extra....

If your writing style is anything like your advertisement style, your prose is paws-itively purple.

...But I'm intrigued, anyway.

What's your price per word or groups of words? Personal interests in topics? Your strengths with your craft?

Wh-what is that supposed to mean? My vocabulary is quite modern and in vogue.

Fantasy mystery is my strength, and rate is...

1 sen a character!

[Raine just... gives him a look as they do the math. To convert each 100 sen to 1 yen....]

...So if I asked for 2000 characters, that's 2000 sen....

[A look of disgust crosses their face. 20 yen?!]

Are you trying to slowly go broke?? Just how much would 2000 sen even buy you?

That would be 20 yen! I could eat at the cafe every day, have a bath, and all the calpsi I could drink at least for a week or more.

I could get a long-sleeved button-up shirt.

I could go to the movies 60 times!

Who is so rich to consider 2000 sen nothing?

Uhh, me?

[A frown.]

I only have yen on me, not sen. I think my smallest coin is 50 yen? And maybe a few ones.

....But that still seems too cheap. Even if your writing was tripe, I'd feel like I'm shortchanging you for only 2000 sen.

[Their cheeks burn.]

But 2000 sen wouldn't buy me anything, where I am. I'd be laughed out of stores. I was... genuinely worried and I decided to leave any sense of tact at the door. I'm sorry.

F-fifty yen? Fifty yen is the smallest coin you have?

[ He couldn't imagine it. Fifty yen, who could break a fifty yen coin? It was so much.... ]

Wh-what... what do you consider a reasonable amount?

[ He wasn't sure he wanted to hear, he was sure it would be a terrifying number. ]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure...

[One moment while they pull their wallet out.]

For a short story that's 2000 characters, where I am, I'd easily pay... let's see. Factoring in that it has to be concise in those 2000 characters, and strung together with greater care to adhere to those constraints, and try to account for a greater amount of work... easily 5,500 to 10,000 yen.

...

....

!!!!

F-five thousand....

Ten thousand...!?

A person would never have to work again in their life with that amount.

How?

Inflation. Where money itself loses value and therefore, you need more of it to achieve the same cost. For me, sen was removed as a valid currency. Only collectors go for it these days.

A shirt like the one you described is easily 2,800 yen for me. Maybe 3,000. Depending on quality, of course.

2,800 yen is also close to the cost it would take to eat out for one meal, without going for the cheaper menu.

Have you come from the future? Those prices make no sense at all. There were riots a few years ago when the price of rice went up. To think prices could go so high and society wouldn't collapse.

Hmm, not necessarily? Though my magic does take me to various places. It could have taken me through time as well as place.

Maybe subtle tweaks to the runes did it...

I wouldn't think too hard on it. I sure don't.

[They flash a fanged smile.]

But in all honesty? probably, actually. I dimly remember prices being a lot lower in the past, but then I took a very, very long nap and the prices were up. I've had to adjust since.

Besides, it's easier to think of prices as compared to food items. A full belly is a full belly.

[And given their personal line of work, it's easy enough to eat their fill with clients.]

But-- let's see...

[They pull their wallet out from somewhere up their sleeve and rummage around in it. Aha! There's... a few one-yen coins, two five-yen coins, and a fifty. They show it to him.

[...They all have past and future dates on them, at least one of them in the span of 400 years between.]

All the minor change I have.

[ He looked down at them closely, inspecting them as if he wasn't sure what to make of them. ]

There are dates from almost a hundred years in the future.

[ Was this possible? Or was he hallucinating again?

Maybe he shouldn't question it too much. ]

Mmhm!

[All from within their lifetime, too. But saying as much is just asking to add more confusion to the addled fire. Or something much wittier than that.]

A lot of stuff's changed. Saying as much, uh...

[They look down at the coins again, wincing. It's probably best to keep a lot of future stuff quiet.]

...I suppose these are no good if they're from the future, and not even necessarily your future. One glance at the information and people might think it's counterfeit.

Bartering is so much more consistent than money....

Then I'll write a story for three bottles of calspi.

Sounds good. Don't start until I get that calspi first. Fair's fair. And since my money's no good... well. That's for me to deal with.

A fantasy mystery of your choice and inclinations. I want you to include at least one idea you've wanted to write for a long time, but hadn't the excuse to implement yet.

Here's your excuse now.

An idea I hadn't had an excuse to implement yet?

[ Now that felt hard, he had never been a man to hold back his fantasies, he wrote what he felt like the moment he felt like it, he had no such things sitting in the back of his mind. ]

I can write any story I feel like, but I don't have anything I've been holding onto.

Aww, really? Huh....

Not even odd character concepts? Plot twists? Zingers? ...Puns?

[There has to be something! ...Right?]

[Just going to slam this poster down. It's a lie, though. He will not, actually, do what you want unless it's fun and/or funny.]

I will compose erotic personal messages on your behalf, in exchange for compensation. Inquire for rates.

[ i blame tfln. ]

Erotic personal messages, hmm? Color me interested~!

[Or color him color/色 as in sexy. Clearly it works either way.]

What might your rates be? And also: I wonder if you have a bulk discount..?

[Is he doing this only to mess with people? Yes. Yes, of course. Time to harrass some coworkers and/or frenemies~!]

A... bulk discount?

M-hm! For example: sending one such message every five minutes for, oh say, a minimum of three hours. What would that cost me?

Ah - naturally it would have to be a different message every time.

That's not how it works.

[ If this were a face-to-face discussion, he'd be looking down from his full height of seven foot one, with disdain in every line of his posture. So, just as well, really. ]

Do you plan to be incapacitated for more than three hours?

Unlikely. But I dearly hope so!

[Any half-desired incapacitation is wholly unrelated to the matter at hand, however.]

More than that, though, I thought I would practice my delegation skills.

[There's a small booth with a small cat taking a nap on it. A pair of menus hangs above it.]

Main Menu

Fish jerky OR Uncooked Fish = I'll let you pet me. (CAT)

Well-cooked fish, 1/2lb size = I'll let you rub my belly. (CAT)

Well-cooked fish with cooked rice, 1lb = I'll cuddle with you for a few hours (CAT or HUMAN)

A fillet of fish with rice, veggies (NO onion NOR garlic!), and alcohol = I'll flirt with you for awhile. (HUMAN)

Adult Menu - men of legal age only
HUMAN or WERECAT only!
Fresh catnip = Plenty of XXXX but I'll probably transform in the middle. Very rough play and even biting is included.

Catnip tea, warm or cold = More XXXX but something softer than the above.

A large hunk of boar meat = I'll dom you.

A whole wild boar = XXXX, no holds barred. Rough or sweet, kinky or vanilla. I'll even pretend to be in love with you if you want.

Edited 2021-12-05 08:21 (UTC)

$$$$$$

exorcism and/or haunting

Deadlock ⛤ABC Warriors

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may i just say that the attention to tarot detail here is awesome, and thus, you are awesome

why, thank you very much! it's certainly fun to mess around with

VIM | Talent Agency, Show Production, and Talent Management

i don't know what i'm doing but you must know that you're perfect

Thank you very much! I don't play PC as often, but this meme was perfect for her.

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[1/2]

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beautiful

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A story for you

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Clones! Clones, for free! Different colour palettes available!!!!!

K-2SO / a star war

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Raine Sunstar | dhampir/shifter original character | m/m pref for smut, OTA for gen, CW prostitution