bakerstreet | middle of the night texting

[ooc; pretend that this is from a unnamed friend of Cassian's or family or something. Or Chirrut or Baze.]

[Cassian is sent a link to a clip of a Knights of Ren interview where they're discussing their new song, Not Over You. It's a complete turn from their normal rock/metal fare. This is an acoustic, heartbroken song. Their lead singer, Kylo, is talking about the meaning behind the song. How he lost someone he loved so much, someone his opposite, but his match, his person. And he hopes their fans can find comfort on the song too.

And the text that goes along with.

'Knew you saw them live with Jyn.']

[Cassian knows the song - it's impossible to escape with how much it's on the radio, the tv, the internet, everywhere he turns. Sometimes it feels like everything is caving in on him from the weight of the knowledge that he's the person that's hurt the love of his life so badly, even if he's created such beautiful art from his pain.

He knows that he should leave well enough alone, that it will do more harm than help to watch the interview, but maybe he wants to hurt more, maybe he feels like he deserves it after what he's done.

Cassian's heart drops into his chest to see Ben - not Kylo, not to him, sweet and shy Ben, funny and smart and kind Ben, amazing Ben - look so sad as he's asked about the meaning and the inspiration for the song.

The guilt eating at him only took more and more of him all the time. Soon, there will be nothing left.

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so cruel? How was he supposed to go on knowing that he's let the love of his life slip through his fingers and for what?

Because he couldn't handle Ben being away so often knowing that there was no getting around it? Because he'd fallen into the hole of feeling jealous even though Ben had never given him any reason to believe that he was being unfaithful?

What an idiot. What an asshole. What a ... glutton for punishment.

Cassian stares at his phone, very well aware that Ben's number is still stored in his contacts - and even if it weren't, he's already memoried it - and it would be so easy to send a message just to ... check up on him.

Just to see if he's doing okay.

Before he thinks better of it and convinces himself that this is a bad idea, reminds himself that Ben's made it painfully clear that he wants nothing to do with Cassian ... he sends off a message doing just that - checking up on the other man, nothing more.

Ben probably won't even answer. He's probably got Cassian's number blocked, and that's for the best.

They should ... move on.]

Edited 2021-11-23 22:13 (UTC)

[The arguement that had resulted in their breakup had torn Ben's heart in two. Hearing Cassian be so cruel. He didn't know the man had it in him. After the words had left Cassian's mouth, Ben just shut down. He didn't say anything before he left the lawyer's condo. He had gone back to Poe & Finn's place and hidden himself against his best friend.

And just sobbed.

He wasn't unfaithful to Cassian. He had never even entertained the thought. Just the mere idea that Cassian had thought that... It ached. It tore into him, clawed into his chest and ripped out his heart.

But he never deleted Cassian's number or blocked it. He didn't delete the texts or voice-mail.

Instead Ben just dove into his music. He wrote and wrote until Not Over You was the result.

Everything. It was his everything. All the pain, all the sorrow. All of his anger and rage. Funneled into one song. He hadn't meant to release it.

But he had been singing it in the studio late one night and their manager overheard.

Here they were six months later...

Ben was lying awake in bed in the room he had at Poe & Finn's. Rey was over at her girlfriend's. His phone dinged and... His heart beat a little faster as he moved to pick it up.

Cassian...

He shouldn't reply. But Ben loved Cassian, even now. The man was his person, he knew that. And he wanted him back.]

....

Hey...

[Thing was - Cassian knew with eveything he was that Ben was not the type of man, even in his position, even with thousands of screaming fans who would do anything for just one night with him, to put his relationship in jeopardy.

But his insecurities and fears got the best of him until he just ... let it all out, accusing Ben of the worst things his untrustworthy brain had convinced him was happening behind his back. Of course he regretted each and every word as soon as they came spilling from his lips, but - he couldn't take them back. He couldn't turn back time and find a way to speaking about those fears openly and honestly without portraying Ben as a villain.

But really - what did Cassian even have to offer that Ben would want long term? He wasn't anything special, he wasn't the most exciting person in the world. How could he hold a candle to some of the people showing interest in Ben?

He tried to stutter out an apology, but Ben hadn't given him the chance. He'd just gotten up and left, and Cassian hadn't seen nor heard from him since, except every-fucking-where he turned with the release of Not Over You, a song that ripped him into shreds every time he heard it.

The guilt only grew deeper each day that shifted into the next and Cassian ... haunted his own life. He threw himself into work, but there was only so much time he could spend at the office until he was chased home, where he couldn't stand being alone with his thoughts. He didn't go out and try to date, why, when there was no getting over Ben.

For a short, sweet period of time, Cassian had had the love of his life, and then he had pushed him away. It was a pain that would never heal. His life - that part of it, anyway, was effectively over.

Jyn was worried about him, she made that much perfectly clear. His family, too. He was just so morose and down. The worst part was - there was nothing that would make anything better. He'd made his bed, now he had to lie in it.

Truthfully, he wasn't expecting a reply, but as his phone buzzed and he stared down at it, it felt like the world stopped and he couldn't find a way to breathe.

Ben.]

I was thinking about you (~~like I always do~~) and I just wanted to make sure (~~I know I don't have the right~~) that you were okay.

Edited 2021-11-24 03:31 (UTC)

[Ben was similarly haunting his own life, going through the motions. He threw his all into performing and writing. He was kind to fans.

But he was empty. Hollow.

Cassian was the love of his life and he'd just walked away. He had made no attempt to contact the man... And it ate away at him. He was nothing without his other half. Nothing.

Ben's heart jumped and he... He touched the picture of Cassian that was saved in the contact. He was laughing and smiling.]

I...

I am not okay.

[Cassian's heart plummeted to receive the confirmation that Ben, too, wasn't doing great. He wasn't happy to hear that it wasn't just him, he just hurt all the worse. It wasn't fair that Ben was still being punished for what he'd done, what he'd said.

The accusations were bad enough, but when he'd punctuated them with a cold - 'how am I supposed to know what you're doing, Ben? You're never here', he knew he'd sealed his fate.

And he was miserable, but he knew that he deserved every painful second.

He took a deep, shuddering breath, staring at the message that had just come through, so distraught to know that he was the cause of Ben's pain when all he had ever wanted was the opposite.]

I'm so sorry. You deserve nothing but happiness.

How can I be happy when my heart isn't with me?

[Ben resisted the urge to FaceTime Cassian. He didn't know if it would be accepted.

He curled tighter in the large, empty bed, feeling as though it could swallow him whole.]

[Cassian would have readily accepted the FaceTime invitation - even though he knew he looked a mess. He could pull himself reasonably well for work, but it was all a facade, all just a mask to hide how broken he was on the inside.

He felt the same, but how could he say it, knowing that he didn't deserve Ben's forgiveness.

Cassian carded shaky fingers through his hair, trying to find enough composure to continue.]

Yeah. I know the feeling.

I love you Cassian. I love you so much and I miss you desperately. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry I'm never around.

I'm sorry...

[Ben finally broke, sobbing lightly into the pillow. He ached, everything ached and he was so tired. He wanted Cassian back.]

[For how desperately Cassian had wanted to hear Ben say that he loved him one more time, it was the apologies that finally broke him completely. Ben hadn't done anything wrong, he had to know that. He had to know that it was only Cassian's insecurity that had caused him to say the things he'd said.

He didn't bother wiping away hot tears as they streamed down his face, obscuring his vision as he tried to find a way to reassure Ben from God knows how many miles apart.]

I said those things because I felt small and scared, not because you deserved any of them to be directed toward you. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't deserve for me to hurt you.

I'm so fucking sorry for what I said, you'll never know how much.

You were good enough. You are good enough, I promise you that. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you and I'm glad that I had that for even just a moment in time.

I will never stop loving you or regretting that day, all the things I said that made you run away.

[Ben hit the request for FaceTime. He only hoped that Cassian answered.

He hoped he did.

He didn't want anyone else. Just Cassian.

Please...]

[Cassian accepted the request immediately, even though he knew he was a mess.

He was silent, save for his sniffling, clumsily wiping wet eyes to try to make an attempt to pull himself together, not that he thought it would work.

For as afraid as he was to do it, eventually, he looked straight at the phone, terrified of what he would see in Ben's expression once he did. Whatever it was, anger or disgust, he knew he deserved it.]

I...

I don't want anyone else. Just you. Always you.

[Ben dropped his head, tears falling down his face. He looked thinner, pale.

Almost like he hadn't been taking care of himself.]

I haven't looked at anyone else. I haven't wanted anyone else. Never.

[Cassian's breath caught in his throat as he listened to Ben speak, his heart slowly beating painfully back into life. He wasn't blind, he could see that Ben looked like he felt, and the guilty only roared back fully.

I did that. It's my fault.

He wanted to argue that he didn't deserve anything from Ben, especially his love, but God, he wanted the man back more than he had ever wanted anything before or would again.]

Still? [He asked, his voice rough, tearful.] After what I did?

I forgive you.

I forgive you...

[Ben choked on a sob, closing his eyes. He curled further into the bed, trying not to cry harder, to sob and sob...

He wanted to leave Poe's and go find Cassian and beg on his knees to be taken back.]

[Cassian didn't know how much he needed to hear those words until he did. And then, there was no holding back the deluge. He dropped his heads and let his tears fall, his shoulders shaking as he tried to keep as silent as possible. This wasn't wholly about him, after all, it was about Ben, too, and he wanted, even now, to be as respectful as possible.]

I'm sorry - [He managed to gasp, his voice wrecked from emotion.] I love you so much, Ben. I never should have accused you of anything, and I wish ...

I wish I could take it all back.

[He wished they could return to a time when everything felt good and comfortable and happy.]

I can be to your place in twenty minutes.

Please I need to see you...

[That meant that Ben was in town. He wasn't out touring. Honestly, he didn't want to tour anymore. Not after the rift it caused.

He looked at Cassian again, everything about him pleading.]

[Cassian knew he couldn't deny Ben the opportunity to see each other again. It had been so long since the last time, after all, and they hadn't parted in the best way.

He ached to see Ben face-to-face again, even without knowing what would happen once they were in close proximity. He knew he just couldn't stand the distance anymore, and even if he never got the chance to try to make things right, at least they could find some sense of ... closure.]

Yeah, Ben. Come over, please. Door will be open for you.

[Ben swallowed and nodded. He bit his lip and gave a shaky smile.]

I'll see you soon. I promise.

[He ended the call before getting up and quickly getting dressed. Jeans and a sweatshirt. His hair went up into a bun and he donned his glasses.

He grabbed his keys and left, driving towards Cassian's condo.]

[It was the smile Ben shared with him that gave Cassian a modicum of hope. There was no helping the small, fleeting smile he offered in return.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[And he wasn't. Luckily, he had managed a shower earlier, and in the depths of his despair hadn't let his home get too cluttered. Not that it ultimately mattered, Ben wasn't going to pass judgment. This was about something else entirely.

All Cassian could think to do was get up, unlock the door, and sit back down, waiting for Ben's arrival, his stomach turning and twisting into knots.]

[True to his word, Ben was there in twenty minutes. He was opening the door and stepping into Cassian's condo. He let out a breath and smiled shyly at the man. He was a little shaky. But he had stopped and picked up a bottle of mezcal.

And a bouquet of daisies.

Ben stood there for a moment, a slight tremor having started to go through him. He...

Cassian...

Did they have a second chance?]

[As soon as the door opened, Cassian was on his feet, watching Ben enter. Although he wanted to greet him properly, he was scared to do something wrong. This, whatever happened, was going to be Ben's decision.

His eyes drifted to the bottle and he huffed out a chuckle. The flowers, though, were a surprise. His favorite. His heart stuttered painfully and finally, he took one tentative step away from the couch and toward the door.]

Ben. You're here

I am...

[Ben shut the door and took a breath. He toed off his sneakers and took a step towards Cassian. He was terrified his knees were going to give out. That he would collapse where he stood.

He swallowed and let out a shaky breath.]

I've missed you. I've never stopped thinking about you. I've... That song wasn't meant for anyone but you. Us.

[Another small step forward and... He shyly offered Cassian the daisies.]

[There was so much that Cassian wanted to say - so many apologies to offer - that he couldn't even begin to untangle them and figure out where to begin.

So he just watched Ben as he slipped out of his shoes and slowly neared the couch. It felt like his heart was beating out of his chest as he stayed as still as possible, almost afraid that if he made too loud a noise or moved too quickly, he'd scare Ben off completely.

And that - after everything - was the very last thing he wanted.]

It's beautiful, the song. Gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. And the first time I heard it ... uh, well, it brought me to tears.

[Tentatively, Cassian reached out to accept the flowers, his breath audibly catching as, inevitably, their fingers brushed together, a chill racing up and down the length of his spine to make contact after so much time spent apart.]

Um. You should sit, if you want. Let me - let me go find these a vase.

[Ben gave a small intake of breath when their fingers touched. He nodded and then sat down in the chair. He set the mezcal on the coffee table.

He took a breath and leaned back, allowing himself to relax. They had a second chance. Oh he hoped they did. He didn't want to go through life with a broken heart anymore.]

I love you and... I didn't know how else to reach you. I wrote and wrote, the words coming out.

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