there were no wolves in the movie -_-

[dunadanon]

Rules:

1. Post your character.
2. Other characters review your character in the style of Amazon.com reviews.
3. Profit! (With a low monthly fee of $39.99!)
4. Bonus: Describe your character's 'product features'.

OPTIONAL:
Posting template (to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars and X.X out of)

<a href="PROFILE LINK HERE"><span style="color: #339; font-size: medium;">CHARACTER NAME</span></a> <h1>PRODUCT OFFERED</h1> <img alt="X.X out of 5 stars" src="https://www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /> X.X out of 5 stars <hr /> <span style="color: #999;">List Price:</span> <strike>PRICE</strike> <br/><span style="color: #999;">Price:</span> <span style="color: #c00; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">SALE PRICE</span> <br/><span style="color: #999;">You Save:</span> <span style="color: #c03;">Up to <strong>AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT</strong> (100%)</span> <p><span style="color:#c60; font-weight:bold; font-size:1.5em;">Product Features</span> <ul> <li>FEATURE 1</li> <li>FEATURE 2</li> <li>FEATURE 3</li> <li>ETC</li> </ul>

OPTIONAL:
Review template (to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars.)

<img alt="X.X out of 5 stars" src="https://www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /> <b>REVIEW TITLE</b>, REVIEW DATE <br />By <b><a href="PROFILE LINK">CHARACTER NAME</a></b> <p>REVIEW INFO HERE

Comments

Caleb Widogast 》Critical Role 《 OTA

[zemnianjoy]

inanna | babylonian mythology | ota

[god_queen]

[ Still in the voicetesting process! ]

Ichimaru Gin | Bleach | OTA

[coldscales]

[This idiot deserves, like, less than one star. A half star. No stars.]

Tsunade / Naruto / OTA

[gambloser]

doppo | hypnosis mic

[doppomine]

Bucky Barnes // MCU

[beliivolk]

Vintage product, one of a kind, gently used. Older model that's been upgraded and cleaned up for optimum functionality.

Features include: Super strength (ideal for moving furniture or carrying all the groceries in one trip); Vibranium arm with limited warranty; Enhanced staring capabilities to make you or your enemies feel uncomfortable; Jacket with removable sleeve.

Dimensions: 6'1" (185cm); 220 lbs. (99.8 kg).

[anothermission]

VENOM SNAKE

OLD MAN MERCENARY

⭐⭐⭐ 3 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 100,000 GMP

Price: 80,000 GMP

You Save: Up to 20% (100%)

Product Features

• Doesn't talk much.


• Good with animals.


• Great at making money.


• Requires only occasional showers.

[hobblepot]

⭐⭐⭐⭐ "4 out of 5 stars"
Worth the price. July 22, XXXX
By O.C.C

While the method of delivery was not quite what I was expecting, he arrived swiftly and in one piece, and for that, I cannot complain. Competent, loyal, and with more than two brain cells to rub together, which sets him apart from a number of hired guns I've known in the past. Gets the job done with minimal fuss or unsolicited commentary. All that keeps me from offering the full five stars is the occasional need to remind him that good hygiene is his friend.

Keeping Venom Snake around is a little like owning a well-trained dog; not the most pleasant-smelling at times, but you'd be hard-pressed to find better protection.

G’raha Tia | FFXIV

[crystallinum]

Michael | The Magnus Archives

[corridors]

[Is he a good monster.]

[meds4sale]

⭐⭐⭐⭐ An Excellent Monster, October 23, XXXX

By No One of Any Import

Outstandingly spooky and unsettling. They will cause ruckus with little to no known provocation.

Be sure to read instructions about usage and care, and follow diligently. Keep out of reach of children.

[shuchaku]

MIMI

MED STUDENT

⭐⭐ 2 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: ¥10000000

Price: ¥5000000

You Save: Up to ¥5000000 (50%)

Product Features

• 【 🌟Medical Knowledge🌟 】Say goodbye to those costly hospital visits! Your Mimi comes equipped with dense medical knowledge and a thorough knowledge of the human body. Whether you like it or not, she will provide you her medical expertise, and perform everything - from basic first aid to roadside surgery - with a nauseating, chatty glee!


• 【 🌟Small Size🌟 】Worried about packing space? Don't be! At only 142cm, your Mimi can fit in just about any commercially available suitcase money can buy. And not only that, at a mere 37kg, she's even easier to transport once packed. Be careful of curbs!


• 【 🌟Durability🌟 】Mimi has been tested against various physical stressors, and found only occasionally wanting! Mimi has been drop tested from heights of up to 50m, and tested against temperature extremes of -30°C and 60°C for up to 60 hours! You can be assured that your Mimi passed these tests with flying colours at least 60% of the time!


• 【 🌟Multi-Lingual🌟 】You won't have to worry about frustrating language barriers! Mimi speaks Japanese, English, and a variety of other languages quite fluently. She can even act as an interpreter! Never be caught unaware again when the Mi-go inevitably descend upon the Earth and attempt to enslave the human race!


• 【 🌟Folklore🌟 】Thought Mimi's expertise was limited to the medical sciences? Think again! Her knowledge of folkloric practices is vast and varied! Mimi has obscure knowledge of various rituals, magical practices, and ancient traditions local to her home country of Japan, but her background in researching these matters also gives her an edge when it comes to learning the traditions of other populations! Choose Mimi, and never find yourself clueless at another esoteric ritual site again!


• 【 🌟dreams🌟 】Please note that the whispering of your Mimi above you in the dead of night while you sleep is very normal and is in fact a feature of the product


• 【 Think again!Think again!Think again! 】do not look Mimi in the eyes


• ya hai kadishtu ep r'luh-eeh nyogtha eeh s'uhn-ngh athg li'hee orr'e syha'h

[doomed_anyway]

⭐⭐ gotta wing it, MAY 31 198X.

By MIKU

'assembly' 'instructions' unclear
i kept seeing the letters warp and bleed

oswald cobblepot / penguin | GOTHAM

[hobblepot]

Product Features:

- Equipped with sharp tongue, snarkasm, and over 15,000 unique and scathing comebacks
- Big heart for the people who matter
- Overflowing with ambition
- Good at making money
- Van Dahl Mansion included
- Leg brace includes a sheath for a knife
- Cane also includes a knife
- Comes with a removable eyepatch (at your own risk)
- A wide variety of bespoke suits included
- A few points of articulation (please bend gently)
- Note: right foot sticks out naturally; this is not grounds for a refund
- Pairs best with Edward Nygma; however, Edward Nygma is NOT included

[youremom]

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ 4 out of 5 stars

Stylish

By: A Local Christmas Decoration

I like this product. Four stars only because it is very loud sometimes, but this may not bother you. This description is also inaccurate: Oswald Cobblepot comes with many more knives than listed here.

Kishin Asura ΦΦΦ Soul Eater

[strongestcoward]

[ Whenever someone starts to type a review, the soft sound and warm moisture of breathing too close starts up behind them. ]

[soundsoul]

⭐ 1 out of 5 stars 800 Years Old and Still a Whiny Bitch

By SOUL

major daddy issues, don't engage unless you wanna listen to two hundred hours of some emo dude waxing poetic about madness and shit

Kuro | Ori and the Blind Forest

[owlmother]

Aziraphale | Good Omens

[sohoangel]

[Feel free to rate his bookshop instead.]

[inlovewithmycar]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ DON'T LISTEN TO THE OTHER REVIEWS, September 3rd, 2019

By Jason Plunket

A.Z. Fell and Co. is an excellent bookshop with customer service that goes above and beyond. Can and should buy books from there more often and support your local businesses!

J'onn J'onzz 👽 DC

[yourfavorite]

J;'onn J'onzz

Manhunter From Mars

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $1

Price: $0

You Save: Up to AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT (100%)

Product Features

• Justice is free to all! TO ALL! As the heart and soul of the Justice League, will possibly come with bonus FREE heroes!


• As the last Martian of his kind, is of an utterly unique design.


• Requires double stuffed Oreos, not included

[youremom]

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ 3 out of 5 stars

OK if you like Justice Leagues

By: Wonder Bread Powers Activate

Probably the least worst one. You can at least have a conversation with him. Will still manhunt you though.

Loki of Asgard | MCU / D+ | OTA

[gloriously_purposed]

Loki Laufeyson

BIG SALE of Trickster God Variants!

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $5,000

Price: $4,500

You Save: Up to 10% (100%)


Product Features

• Highly skilled in magic.


• Extremely talkative.


• Most variants are well educated both academically and in regards of royal etiquette.


• While most variants are made from the same mold, they are genderfluid and shapeshifters. Your model might vary in species and form at times. Please specify which one you want in your order.

[howbraveyouare]

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

Well-made, aesthetically pleasing and sort of fun to talk to, but ultimately lacking in moral fiber. Wouldn't trust him with my worst enemy. Might purchase again on sale.

The Medicine Seller | Mononoke | OTA

[meds4sale]

The Medicine Seller

DODGY PEDDLER OF MEDICINE & OTHER NARCOTICS - Very cheap!

3 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: ¥100,000

Price: ¥75,000

You Save: Up to 25% (100%)

Product Features

• Quiet


• Self-Cleaning


• Aesthetically pleasing


• Many excellent features and accessories!


• Lazy Energy Efficient


• Can cook!


• Any and all Mononoke problems gone within hours of arrival!*


*Retailer is not responsible for any friends, family, or loved ones that perish in the removal of Mononoke.

[anothermission]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Bargain, 09-23-1984

By Snake

Only recently purchased but already found many uses for this. Unknown how it holds up over time. "Features and accessories" includes good tea and pretty clothes to look at. Highly recommend this to anyone.

Efina | LiEat series

[sweetlittlelies]

EFINA

PORTABLE LIE DETECTOR

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 4000 G

Price: 2000 G

You Save: Up to 2000 G (50%)

Product Features

• Lightweight and highly portable.


• Your choice of multiple styles.


• Manifests lies in physical form.


• Eco-friendly! Runs on lies generated.


• Supplemental candy not included.


• Product dimensions: 98cm (3'2")

[onhislaurels]

DANGEROUS PRODUCT, 01-03-0889

By Ein

I received Efina as a gift from my daughter. At first I was overjoyed, but this has to be the most poorly though-out product I've ever seen. It's only been a few hours and there are hundreds of these little demons running around everywhere. Not only does she attack even the most innocuous of technically not-quite-true statements, she materializes them faster than she can eat them - a real oversight. I can't imagine how this product made it through testing.

Ben Solo/Kylo Ren | Star Wars

[chiaro_oscuro]

Has issues, September 22, XXXX

Ben Solo

Pros:

* Let him guard anything that needs guarding. You'll never have to worry about burglars again.

* Surprisingly good at fixing things.

* All-rounder: capable fighter, intelligent, skilled pilot, quick learner.

* Genuinely brave. If you're on his positive side, this unit will literally die for you.

Cons:

* One of the reasons he's good at fixing things is because he breaks them. A lot.

* Strongly recommended that you don't make him mad. Not very hard to make mad.

* "Intelligent" does not equal "makes good decisions".

* It is likely that, if you sufficiently earn this unit's respect, he will want to fight you to test your strength.

[jedied]

2 out of five stars. Stopped functioning and disappeared without warning after being glitchy for an entire year.

UPDATED: needed software update, now 5/5.

Mordred le Fey | Arthurian & Modern AU Muse

[druidofthegoddess]

[Product features (for all varieties) include: ability to use magic, sass, cute dark curls, and an often crippling need to keep control of situations. YMMV where relationship success - platonic or otherwise - is concerned if your name isn't Galahad.]

Re: Mordred le Fey | Arthurian & Modern AU Muse

[nooner]

⭐⭐⭐⭐ probably definitely a good egg* (*probably)

By an actual good egg

This model gets a pretty bad rap, but it seems like the big issue is user error. Requires a lot of patience and attention and probably way more hugs than the average human is capable of giving, but definitely capable of intense loyalty and high-capacity performance if you can get it working right.

Also like 90% sure it won't malfunction and wreck your whole kingdom at some point.

Or like 75% sure.

Tobias Matthews | Confessions of Dorian Gray

[rockandrollvampire]

[Older on the inside than he is on the outside! Amateur guitarist and skilled pianist. Epic video game pwner and the best looking ass you'll ever find in jeans. Made for ages 100+]

[mayfairmonster]

A Cornucopia of Bugs and Dysfunctional Features, but Ideal, September 23, 2021

By CharlesW

This will be a review for completion’s sake for the relevant supernatural procurement societies, because as of August 2014, as any knowledgeable collectors know, this model is no longer available. (I already purchased it. No, you can’t have it.)

What else is there to say about this model that hasn’t already well passed through the bars and underground nightclubs of London since the 1980s? For starters, I’ll describe features that I doubt few previous owners have been able to work with the model long and properly enough to realize. Hopefully this will be useful to those maintaining relevant manuals and (sigh) Wikipedia articles on the subject.

1. Undying Loyalty (Literally). Self-explanatory. The model latches on to loved ones and will do everything short of hurting them in order to protect them. I’m not always sure this is a good thing.

2. Gorgeous. And I’ve seen me.

3. A Paradox of Cynicism and Romanticism. The model wants to marry me (a significant bug, but nothing I can’t handle) but also has little faith in most other aspects of past or present human society. We’ve reached a few compromises in the past, but I doubt anyone from the society has ever gotten as far as I have with it. Sometimes this dual feature can be beautifully poetic and exceptional in its artistic value on the whole, but the model will not see it that way. Ever. I don’t recommend bringing it up.

4. Joyful and childlike. This is an excellent feature that the model is also mostly blind to. Capable of restoring faith in life and the value in continuing on, even when you’ve already “been there, done that”. Do not lose this model after unlocking this feature. The consequences are emotionally disastrous to the owner.

5. Sexually gifted. Don’t you wish I’d say more on this subject?

As a parting and related caution, take care to keep this model out of reach of anyone likely to choke on large parts. (Not that you can. As was already stated, you can’t have it.) It’s happened to me and, trust me, it never happens to me.

Cheers,

CW

Abner Krill • The Suicide Squad

[youremom]

Brand: S.T.A.R. Laboratories
Polka Dot Man (Task Force X) 6’ literal actual man with issues.

Features and Details
•incredibly mentally damaged
•includes costume, goggles, and inter-dimensional virus
•not contagious
•can supply an endless amount of morbid facts at inappropriate times
•colorful
•sad
•glows in the dark
•California proposition 65 warning! This product contains unknown and unidentifiable caustic materials known to cause harm to everyone and everything
•power dampener not included

susie | deltarune | ota

[mossenjoyer]

SUSIE

PURPLE DINOSAUR

⭐⭐ 2.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $200DS

Price: $0DS

You Save: Up to 100%! (100%)

Product Features

• Good with small, bouncy princes


• Vacuum cleaner


• Opposite of a scarecrow


• Has a tail


• Please take it


• She ate the entire inventory


• * NOTE: Not actually a purple dinosaur

[tity]

Wow
How could I pass this up
I'll take two

dimos | nier re[in]carnation

[prayererror]

Soldier Model DIMOS

Clockwork Gunman

⭐ 1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 1,000,000 coins

Price: 1,000 coins

You Save: Up to 999,000 coins (99%)

Product Features

• Preprogrammed loyalty, complete with absolute obedience to given commands!*


• A lack of human traits, so you never have to feel bad about sending something with sentience and a personality off into battle!**


• A cool cowboy hat!


• Knowledge of how to use and maintain all guns!


*Defective models have been found to override their programmed 'master', but we are aware of this issue and working on eradicating it from our stock!
**Defective models have also been found to start developing something of a rudimentary personality, though they still lack the ability to process human 'emotions', so please don't worry if your DIMOS starts trying to converse with you! Just send it back for a refund and an improved model!

Roy Kent | Ted Lasso

[everyfuckinwhere]

.

1/2

[parttimeprick]

James T.
grumpy old twat

Don't be surprised at all the noises he makes. If they aren't the random grunts of a mad man, they're just the creaking of his old grandpa joints. Some assembly required. Knee likes to give out. Some'd say that's a feature though, specially on the field. Me, it's all a bit much, innit? Would've worked much better a decade ago. Out of date, look for a newer model. Cheers.