bakerstreet | Got a secret, better keep it

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[meme] shipping

Got a secret, better keep it

SECRET ADMIRER meme

You're in love with them, but they don't know it and you have no real intention of changing this. Whether it's because you don't want to admit anything to yourself, can't handle rejection, don't think you're good enough, or have no real experience with this kind of thing, your lips are sealed...for now. And maybe forever, if you're contented to love them from afar.

That is, if the object of your affection doesn't figure you out first.

HOW TO PLAY

Comment with your character, preferences, and whether they'd be the admirer or the admired.
Reply to others.
RNG it or not.

PROMPTS

Meeting: How do you meet? Is it love at first sight?
Falling: You learn to love them, even if you never have before.
From Afar: You're not too close to them - they may not know you at all - but you still admire them. Whether "afar" means something like a different school, a different team, or a different world or walk of life is up to you.
Notice Me: You actually do want to be noticed. Please, senpai!~
Right in Front of You: The two of you are friends or allies, yet you're hiding your emotions in plain sight.
Denial: You? Love? No! Especially not with them...no, you weren't looking at them!
Jealousy: They don't know you're attracted to them, so you shouldn't feel mad when they're getting attention from others.
Too Shy Shy: The words just won't come out. Besides, you're too flustered by their presence in general.
Don't Deserve Them: You wouldn't want to subject them to you, anyway. They're too good.
Favors: Your love may not be known; still, you can do things for them or get them gifts, and they'll wonder who's doing all this. Their happiness is all you want, not their recognition.
Bad at This: So, about all those gifts or favors? You're not the sort to know about kindness and because of this, your shows of affection tend to be you offing their rivals or giving them stolen items.
Adorkable: You're awkward but it's endearing!
Never Expect the Quiet Ones: You barely speak, much less show how you feel. How could they know what you really think?
Lash Out: It's frustrating to have a crush you can't act on, so you've decided to act out...towards the one you love, perhaps to push them away.
Admission: Finally, you've decided to admit what you've felt all along.
Outed: Someone else has told your secret.
Caught: Maybe you were caught looking at them too much, speaking about your love out loud, or leaving them a gift. No matter what, the jig is up.
Content with Secrecy: You can admire them without saying a word. You're not conflicted in the least with living this life!
Requited: No more harboring secrets, as your feelings are returned.
Unrequited: ....ouch. Just ouch.
WILD CARD

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The admirer (and stalker who roots through your trash for gift ideas, probably.)]

( either role. )

[Either role.]

[They've been through a lot together - both the chosen wizards in general, and Heathcliff and Faust in particular. He knows Faust is an Eastern wizard through and through, and that he likes his space and his privacy and that him teaching Heath is begrudging, but...

Faust is a strong wizard - maybe not comparable to the Norths, no, but he's been a solid presence during Heath's time as a Sage's wizard - and Heath respects him so, so much. He doesn't know what he'd have done without him, and the relief that Faust survived the Calamity is still something that hasn't faded, even with all the chaos and turmoil that's followed them. He wants... To do something for the man, something to show he cares, and he spends days agonizing over what to do, what to say, so much so he's shocked Shino hasn't taken matters into his own hands.

Still, he's finally(!) gathered his courage, and he knocks on Faust's door one early afternoon. He's sure if the wizard is anywhere in the manor, he's here.]

[It hasn't escaped Faust's notice that Heathcliff has something on his mind, though he's not sure what. The younger wizard has always been sensitive in every sense of the word- which isn't a bad thing, but whatever worries he's carrying are going to affect his magic if he isn't careful. If something doesn't change soon then maybe he'll have a talk with him, figure out what the problem is... maybe he can help, somehow.]

[...Or Heath could come to him first. He doesn't know who's knocking, currently seated at his desk working on lesson plans by candlelight. He pauses, but doesn't get up yet.]

Who's there?

[Just bury him where he stands.]

I-it's me, Heath. I wanted to talk to you?

[He wants to kick himself for sounding so uncertain, and he also wants to turn tail and run away, but it's too late now. He just has to brace himself, and get things over with, and maybe!!! Things won't go so poorly!! He really has no reason to believe things will go terribly - for as gloomy and distant as Faust likes to act, he knows he cares, so...

So it's not like the rejection will be because he hates Heath, and he'll probably be very kind about it.]

Heath?

[Normally his chances of refusing or putting it off might be higher- he's working, so it would even be a legitimate excuse rather than solely wanting to be left alone. But if Heath wants to talk about whatever it is that's been causing his distraction these past few days...]

[After a moment, the door opens.]

I've been meaning to talk to you as well. Come in.

[Heath likely knows well enough by now to just... avoid touching the possibly cursed stuff lying around. It's fine.]

[Faust has been meaning to talk to him? That means he really has been obvious, and not just feeling like he’s obvious, and maybe Faust already knows about his feelings…

Well.

He’s not going to run away, not after all this time.

He pushes the door open, peeking inside before he steps in. He takes a deep breath, closing the door behind him. He does know enough not to touch anything - though getting cursed wouldn’t make this any worse.]

You were?

[…]

Apologies if I’ve made you concerned with my behavior lately.

[He may be oblivious to the cause, but it's not hard to tell how anxious Heath is.]

Here, sit down.

[He'll direct him to sit in the chair he'd previously been occupying, after turning it to face the bed, which is where he seats himself once Heath is settled.]

It's obvious that something has been bothering you... I suppose I hoped that you would be able to work through it on your own, but if you've come to talk to me then I assume that's not the case.

[At least, he must be here to tell him about whatever has been bothering him, right?]

[Heath is - generally - someone with a nervous disposition. There are things that can snap him out of it, surely, but...

Well.

He's easy to read, even if he doesn't want to be.

He sits down on the chair, knees together and back straight. He looks... Decidedly uncomfortable.]

There's something I need to tell you.

[He grimaces at how serious he sounds.]

It's nothing, ah, important, but... I've been thinking of it for a while, and I thought now would be a good time to do that.

[...]

Ah, but before I do, I, uh, I made you something?

[Give him a moment to fish through his pockets.]

[He really does seem uncomfortable... since Faust doesn't know what's wrong he's not even sure if he'll be able to help, but if that's the case he could at least direct him to someone who might be better suited to-]

[...Wait, something to tell him? Specifically? He's a little caught off guard, especially when he follows it up immediately with That.]

You made something... for me?

Yes…

[Is it possible to take deep breaths with it not being obvious that’s what you’re doing?

Probably not.]

To show my appreciation for you.

[He half-stands awkwardly, holding out a compact mirror decorated with delicate filigree.]

I made it, but if you don’t like it you don’t need to take it. I understand.

[Faust has so many mirrors already, so does he really need more? Maybe he should have made something else…

But, hey, it’s better than talking about!! His feelings!!!]

[Heath??]

[He stares at the compact mirror, reaching out to carefully take the gift as if it's made of glass. He gently traces the filigree with gloved fingertips, his expression soft, before looking back up at Heath.]

[Heath has always been a kind soul, but somehow it manages to break right through his walls when that kindness is directed at him.]

...For a moment, when you said you had something to tell me, I was worried that I might have said something to hurt you without realizing it.

[He knows he can be callous at times, so he'd believe he could have unintentionally hurt Heath's feelings. Fortunately that doesn't seem to be the case.]

[He smiles softly.]

I don't know what I did to deserve such a thoughtful gift, but I will gladly accept it. Thank you, Heathcliff.

No! No, you haven't done anything like that.

[Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no-]

You're welcome. But this isn't... All that I meant to do. Or say.

[He can do this! He just has to think of Shino encouraging, of Akira's steady support, of- Of basically anything that would get him through this.]

I also wanted to confess some... Feelings... I've been having.

[wheeze]

[He holds the gift in his lap as he watches Heath gather himself, his expression more serious once again as it's clear he's trying hard to say whatever this is-]

[...]

Some feelings...?

[He's not quite following.]

Yes...

[...]

...

[For a long time, it doesn't seem like he's going to elaborate. Heath seriously considers just getting up and leaving, because, well, it's not like Faust - not like anyone - would reciprocate, so he should save himself the heartbreak and just leave and not come back until they need to fend off the Calamity.

It's not like he deserves it, anyways.

Still. He knows if he turns tail and run, he'll have to deal with Shino, or with Faust looking for more answers, and maybe even Nero would find out, or someone else, someone worse, who would tell the rest of the Sage's wizards and then he'd never know peace. So he takes a breath, tries to imagine what someone like Cain, or Arthur, or Shino would say, and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.]

I like you! A lot. In a, uh. In a sense that might not be what you're thinking of.

[He does not have the courage to say the word romantic, but Faust is a wizard who's lived for much longer than Heath has. Surely he'll get the memo.]

[He waits patiently enough, letting him take his time, though it does make his concern grow about whatever he's going to say. What could be weighing so heavily on his heart? He hasn't noticed Shino acting differently so it seems unlikely these feelings are related to their relationship, but then Shino isn't as easily readable- or as sensitive to other's feelings- as Heath can be...]

[His attempts at guessing the issue are interrupted by Heath finally saying what's on his mind, and... for a moment he just stares blankly, processing. Not only is he blindsided, but it's such a clumsy, innocent confession, the way an awkward teenager would confess to someone they've had a crush on for a while.]

[...That's exactly what just happened.]

[A lot of pieces start to fit together to make the picture he'd completely missed, and his chest tightens with a mix of emotions he was not prepared to deal with today.]

...Oh.

[It's a little winded, and he looks down at the mirror resting in his hands as he feels his face gradually heating up. If he'd known this is what had been bothering him- he never would have agreed to meet him directly, would he? But he's here now, and he can't just run away, not without hurting Heath. He has to say something.]

Heath... I know that you think highly of me, as your teacher, and... maybe you feel indebted to me for trying to protect you during the last Calamity...

[He's already messing this up. But getting a confession like this, unprepared, from Heath- now he feels like the awkward teenager. But making sense of his own feelings isn't as important as making sure that he does what's best for Heath.]

What I'm trying to say is- please don't take this personally, but what you're feeling is likely just a crush. You're still young, and I'm... whatever you think you see in me, I'm not who you think I am.

[That's quite literally true, in some ways. He's tried to keep his past quiet when he can, after all.]

[The rejection is expected, but it still stings. He tries not to let it show, though, forcing a smile that looks awkward and pained because Heath just isn't a very good actor. Everything he feels is always so obvious, which... Usually causes more harm than good, if he thinks about it.

What was he even thinking? Faust is a much older wizard - he's mature in ways that Heath can't manage, and there's no way he'd ever consider someone like Heath an equal, or that he'd see anything in him that was worth loving. He's just... Taking responsibility for Heath, and that doesn't mean anything for all that it makes butterflies take flight in his stomach.

And now Heath has gone and ruined all of it. He bobs his head in a stiff nod, standing up awkwardly.]

I...

[What does he even say to that? He can't argue for his feelings - that would be unbecoming - and he shouldn't stay here to make things even worse. He just wants to turn tail and run, and the worst part is he knew it was going to be like this. He was a fool to ever consider otherwise.]

Of course, I should... Go.

[Just go back to his room and have a little cry like the heartbroken boy he is.]

[His efforts to soften the blow were wholly ineffective, it seems, and it pains him to see Heath struggle to hide how much he's hurt him. But what else can he say...? He cares about Heath, much more than he ever expected he would, but something like this... it's because he cares so much that he can't afford to carelessly throw words around just to make himself feel better...]

Heath, wait, I... when I was around your age, there was a much older wizard who said to me, let's live side by side.

[He's not sure why he's saying this, because it would be very easy to just say nothing and let Heath go and tend to his broken heart and hope that he'll someday find someone more deserving to offer it to, but-]

At the time, it made me really happy to hear that, and I was ready to live a long life with him... but in the end, he left long before that could happen, and I was made the fool for believing in him.

[...]

I can't accept or return your feelings if I can't first be absolutely certain that my entire heart is behind it... do you understand?

[Maybe that won't make any sense, or help at all, but he feels all the more vulnerable just for saying it. Well, maybe that's only fair, after Heath came to him and exposed his own heart. But he won't force Heath to answer or stay any longer if he doesn't want to.]

...You can go.

[He pauses, turning back to look at Faust. Of course he's going to wait - going to listen to whatever the man says. It's Faust, and even if he just wants to go back to his room and cry into his pillow for a bit while berating himself for being an idiot, he's going to stay and listen to him.

He's not sure what to expect, and he can't hide the way he frowns at the mention of this older wizard who left Faust, and he definitely can't help the way he has to remind himself not to get his hopes up.]

Are you afraid of becoming like that wizard?

[He can't imagine Faust ever being so cruel... For as dour as the man is, he was ultimately kind and generous in a way few people in the East ever are. Heathcliff doesn't know much about his past, about what came before the maledictor - and this is a glimpse of that past.

...

He wants to find out more.]

[He fully expects Heath to take the opportunity to go and sort through his feelings in private, and he could use that chance himself, so it takes him a moment to answer that question. It's not an easy one, either.]

...I don't know if I'd put it that way. In some ways, I'm envious... sometimes I wish I could leave the past behind me so easily.

[...]

But I don't want to be someone who would betray another's faith in me. I would never wish that on anyone... That's why... I don't want to mislead you. You've always treated me with such kindness, Heath. But that kindness, and the feelings you've offered me today... I don't deserve them.

[If Heath were smarter, he'd be gone already. If he was smart, he wouldn't have told Faust in the first place.

But in for a penny, in for a pound.

(Also, hearing the same sentiments he has echoed by Faust... It hurts. His heart aches for Faust, because while he doesn't understand... He also does in a way. That feeling of not deserving love, or kindness... He understands that. He hates it, but... He can't say he doesn't feel the same.)]

You don't deserve it...? Why wouldn't you deserve it? You're such a kind person, Faust... You do so much for everyone around you, and...

[He trails off. Faust saved him, and he'll never forget that. That's probably the first thing that made him start to develop feelings for him.]

Maybe it appears that way to you, but...

[This is a difficult thing to talk about, not just because of how avoidant he is of talking about himself, but because he has even more reason to avoid inflicting that on the younger wizards. As jaded as he is, he doesn't want to impose his own disillusionment with the world upon them. Especially not Heath, who still has hope yet he's already suffered more than he should...]

[But would turning him away and shutting him out have the same effect, if not worse?]

...I'm a failure, Heath. I put my faith in the wrong person, and there are countless who have suffered and lost their lives because of my actions, or inaction... or my weakness. Even now, if I do what I can to prepare you for the next Calamity, will that be enough? Or will I fail you all like I did those who died in the last Calamity...?

[He tugs his hat low, in some effort to hide the weight he carries from showing on his face, along with the low burning embers of his hate. He very much blames Alec for his actions back then, but... that doesn't mean he bears no blame in allowing his faith to blind him so thoroughly.]

I don't want that to happen. But I'm far from infallible... hell, I'm a maledictor. I'm not kind, or worth looking up to. You're the ones who decided otherwise... I wasn't even willing to become a teacher at all, but...

[He sighs.]

That's why I'm still here, in the end. [In a very literal sense.] To at least try to guide you, and support you. I want you to be able to live a safe and happy life, Heath... I would give my life for it again, if I had to.