you always do. i'm a jerk for wantin something, i'm a jerk for not. ya tell me things and don't want me to say shit about them, but then if I say the same thing ya get all bent outta shape.
so fuck it. we'll just fuck, and you can go on your stupid dates with other piece a shit heroes, and go on an on about it. i mean, the only thing about bein out with me that makes ya happy is gettin me to puke, right? fuck you.
[for a few hours he doesn't respond. he's unsure how. reading dabi's message makes him feel disheartened and he wonders idly if this is how it's like to be rejected. finally, somewhere late in the evening, he writes a message back.]
You're right. I really did get carried away. It won't happen again, Dabi.
As long as I'm useful to you, nothing else really matters. Do with me as you like.
[too bad he can show off the biggest, fakest smile on his lips.]
[ if dabi could find any specific thing to prove that hawks is a birdbrain, this would be it. well, even worse than a birdbrain in this case. doesn't he get what dabi is upset about? doesn't he understand what he's trying to say? for a perceptive spy who's supposed to read people, he's pretty damn dense.
dabi is upset about the things hawks has said throughout their whole conversation. he's upset about how different this stupid thing between them is, and how it has to be. he's upset that hawks will go on about his stupid date, and will taunt him about the media and tabloids constantly, but when dabi actually wants something to count, hawks would rather act like what they do doesn't mean shit.
he's upset that hawks isn't really jealous at all, but that he definitely is, but that it doesn't seem to matter in the end, because what else do they do but fuck? dabi can't even cook a meal for hawks without him bringing fucking into it.
but that's what he wanted, right? it's better this way. no point in getting deeper if hawks is just gonna fuck him over in the end.
so if hawks thinks he's a jerk, then fine. he'll just stay being the jerk. it's not like hawks listens to what he says anyway. it's not as if he ever understands what dabi is trying to say.
it's funny how hawks is the one who feels rejected, when that's all it feels like he's been doing to dabi the last few messages. but it is what it is. he doesn't expect a message back. when he reads the one hawks sends back hours later, he tells himself he doesn't even care anymore. it hurts, but that's his own damn fault. he let himself get way too carried away.]
whatever you say.
nothin else matters, huh? that's what ya really want?
[there's two birdbrains here. keigo definitely has his moments, especially traversing this relationship with dabi. his relationship in the past were all failures that the media did what they could. but, as the villain pointed out earlier, they were probably shit to begin with. it wasn't like keigo missed them either.
he does miss dabi. even going a few hours without him makes him antsy. this time though, it's because he isn't sure how to process his thoughts and what to say properly. he's said plenty of wrong things before. he knows how to anger dabi, and it's far from what he wants.
naturally, he assumes the villain thinks of him as nothing but convenience. dabi has called him that plenty of times before. he tries to pretend though, holds onto those soft things his villain will say and believe their relationship improves, but it always seems to come back to this. misunderstanding, probably. but where? from him, or from dabi? both?
it can be hard to understand the villain through texting alone too. hard to figure out if dabi is being serious or teasing.
keigo is plenty jealous. but where did that jealousy get him before? his lover angry and dismissing him. keigo has to hide it. but he had hoped being honest would keep the villain from taunting him with it. he also tries to not push his luck with dabi's own jealousy issues. that's landed him in quite some trouble. plenty, actually.
he doesn't try to taunt about the tabloids or media purposely. if he could, he'd like the entire world to know of his expression towards dabi entirely. but their affairs are private. he would never jeopardize it. even if this man wasn't a villain and keigo infiltrating their ranks, he'd respect his lover, hoping for it in return.
respect from a villain is so farfetched. however, he thought they were close enough to get that from one another. dabi always reacts violently somewhere when he's upset, name-calling or cursing. keigo puts up with it. he likes the villain enough to do it.
he slips up at times too. figures that dabi will agree to things easier if sex is provided. it's what dabi always says he's worth though, right? convenient hole. so of course keigo tries to smooth out what he wants by providing sexual services in exchange. he'd choose having dabi cooking a meal for him over sex in the kitchen. as the villain said before, it's unsanitary.
he doesn't know that dabi wants more out of this. he can't see the hints. keigo had hoped asking dabi out for a date, walking in the park and the movie theater, as well as the cooking, maybe his lover would get the hint that he wanted to deepen this relationship. he thought he had it too. dabi agreed. but now it's back to square one and keigo assumes his villain wants nothing but sex from him.
he checks his brain, birdbrain at that, for answers. constantly while he waits. would dabi even answer him? he comes to bury his face into a pillow, wings fluffed from his hurt disposition. when he receives that message though, he thinks it over. immediately, he assumes he should pretend to be the whore he's constantly considered to be. but, he stops himself. stops the message from being typed.
and writes out what he actually feels.]
...no. Of course not. But what I want, you don't, right? I don't want to lose any of this, so even if it's you using me, then I'll take it. I just don't want to lose you.
[ yeah, maybe they're both birdbrains, but hawks already knows how hard this shit is for him, and the difference of how things were before as opposed to how they are now. or at least dabi hoped he knew.
the fact that dabi even agreed to a date in the first place shows that this isn't just a convenience and he hasn't thought that way about it in a long time. why would he be so jealous of hawks' other ones, then?
but even after all this time hawks doesn't know how to read dabi yet. or maybe he doesn't want to. dabi doesn't make it easy, that's for sure.
every time this happens though, dabi pulls away. he feels like he puts some of himself out there and it's misunderstood, or that he's doing it all wrong, and he's fully ready to shut it down again. this isn't meant for someone like him anyway. people like him don't go on dates.]
right. me usin you. that's all i do.
sure, hawks. it is what it fuckin is, right? i'll call ya when i need intel or a good fuck.
[to describe dabi as an enigma would be saying it lightly. he was like a puzzle with all the pieces painted a singular color. just as keigo believes he understands and knows his villain, he finds out he was wrong.
dabi had all these layers. like an onion. such a vegetable seemed fitting to the villain.
maybe there are parts keigo knows. there are parts he doesn't. he does, however, know how this will play out. they'll miss each other. they always do. at least, keigo likes to think dabi will miss him. it can go on for a few days, maybe a week at most, and they'll come back, apologizing in their own ways. their communication was the worst, and keigo can't put all the blame on dabi.
he could agree to the message, allow the villain to think he's just some good fuck to keep around. then keigo can find amazing intel for dabi to make amends. and they can loop it back all over again. in fact, keigo is already typing his message out to be just that, but before he hits send, he reads it back over. and sighs.
and retypes.]
You don't want that. And I don't want it either. I don't want to fight and wait a week and we fuck and make up again.
Can't we talk? Can you give me that much? I can't just only be a great intel and good fuck provider for you. It's more than that here, isn't it?
[ a singular color puzzle... that's probably a good way to describe dabi, even if he'd scoff so damn hard at it. no one has ever understood him before, though. no one has ever really tried.
all of this does feel like a loop though. and endless loop of feelings and misunderstanding. trying to figure out how to deal with each other and themselves. dabi will hate himself and all the shit he actually tried to do, because he'll feel like it was useless and worthless, and why does it matter anyway? nothing ever does, or should. nothing but him being a villain, and his murderous goals that have nothing to do with love of peace.
nothing to do with finding home.
he expects hawks to just reply with the same stupid shit, and then he'll toss his phone against the wall and get completely wasted. who needs this anyways? not him. but that's not what happens this time, and dabi has to pause, reading the message over and over again before he replies. ]
[this is out of loop for hawks. he hasn't tried to better their fight, not since finding it awkward and out of control over their first big fight. maybe that's where he fails. he knows dabi struggles with emotions. really, that guy had his own birdbrain moments.
he hopes his villain doesn't bitch him out, doesn't tell him off. it makes him nervous, staring with worried golden eyes at the screen in the dark.
and, to his relief, dabi is agreeing, and keigo finds himself smiling. it's small though. nothing was fixed. he couldn't celebrate yet.
now, how do they talk? it can't be through texting. it's easy to misunderstand. what was considered too much and too little from here? should he call dabi or...?]
[ hawks is right about him not wanting just intel or a good fuck. it's more than that, but he can't quite say it. even if they talk he isn't sure he'd be able to, but at least this is different.
how do they talk, though. he has no idea either, and he wonders just how this will go. but he's already grabbing his jacket and shoving his feet into his boots, telling shigaraki that he's out for the night and to fuck off, he isn't telling him where.
[the response sends a rush of relief through his body. okay. good. dabi was on his way here. he needed to get out of bed.
so, he does just that, and because he's a little on edge, he also uses his feathers to pick up his penthouse a bit. even though dabi had visited before when his home was messy, keigo feels as if he should provide a sort of clean atmosphere.
it also keeps his mind from wondering.
eventually, he deems the penthouse cleaned enough by his standards, so he waits with anticipation on the couch, coincidentally, wearing one of dabi's shirts. okay. maybe he put it on earlier after his shower when they had initially discussed dabi cooking him a meal. although now the shirt was ruined due to the large wings sticking out the back of it.
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toastysocks) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bakerstreet2021-04-23 09:16 am
no subject
that's what i thought.
whatever.
you always do. i'm a jerk for wantin something, i'm a jerk for not. ya tell me things and don't want me to say shit about them, but then if I say the same thing ya get all bent outta shape.
so fuck it. we'll just fuck, and you can go on your stupid dates with other piece a shit heroes, and go on an on about it. i mean, the only thing about bein out with me that makes ya happy is gettin me to puke, right? fuck you.
no subject
You're right. I really did get carried away. It won't happen again, Dabi.
As long as I'm useful to you, nothing else really matters. Do with me as you like.
[too bad he can show off the biggest, fakest smile on his lips.]
no subject
dabi is upset about the things hawks has said throughout their whole conversation. he's upset about how different this stupid thing between them is, and how it has to be. he's upset that hawks will go on about his stupid date, and will taunt him about the media and tabloids constantly, but when dabi actually wants something to count, hawks would rather act like what they do doesn't mean shit.
he's upset that hawks isn't really jealous at all, but that he definitely is, but that it doesn't seem to matter in the end, because what else do they do but fuck? dabi can't even cook a meal for hawks without him bringing fucking into it.
but that's what he wanted, right? it's better this way. no point in getting deeper if hawks is just gonna fuck him over in the end.
so if hawks thinks he's a jerk, then fine. he'll just stay being the jerk. it's not like hawks listens to what he says anyway. it's not as if he ever understands what dabi is trying to say.
it's funny how hawks is the one who feels rejected, when that's all it feels like he's been doing to dabi the last few messages. but it is what it is. he doesn't expect a message back. when he reads the one hawks sends back hours later, he tells himself he doesn't even care anymore. it hurts, but that's his own damn fault. he let himself get way too carried away.]
whatever you say.
nothin else matters, huh? that's what ya really want?
no subject
he does miss dabi. even going a few hours without him makes him antsy. this time though, it's because he isn't sure how to process his thoughts and what to say properly. he's said plenty of wrong things before. he knows how to anger dabi, and it's far from what he wants.
naturally, he assumes the villain thinks of him as nothing but convenience. dabi has called him that plenty of times before. he tries to pretend though, holds onto those soft things his villain will say and believe their relationship improves, but it always seems to come back to this. misunderstanding, probably. but where? from him, or from dabi? both?
it can be hard to understand the villain through texting alone too. hard to figure out if dabi is being serious or teasing.
keigo is plenty jealous. but where did that jealousy get him before? his lover angry and dismissing him. keigo has to hide it. but he had hoped being honest would keep the villain from taunting him with it. he also tries to not push his luck with dabi's own jealousy issues. that's landed him in quite some trouble. plenty, actually.
he doesn't try to taunt about the tabloids or media purposely. if he could, he'd like the entire world to know of his expression towards dabi entirely. but their affairs are private. he would never jeopardize it. even if this man wasn't a villain and keigo infiltrating their ranks, he'd respect his lover, hoping for it in return.
respect from a villain is so farfetched. however, he thought they were close enough to get that from one another. dabi always reacts violently somewhere when he's upset, name-calling or cursing. keigo puts up with it. he likes the villain enough to do it.
he slips up at times too. figures that dabi will agree to things easier if sex is provided. it's what dabi always says he's worth though, right? convenient hole. so of course keigo tries to smooth out what he wants by providing sexual services in exchange. he'd choose having dabi cooking a meal for him over sex in the kitchen. as the villain said before, it's unsanitary.
he doesn't know that dabi wants more out of this. he can't see the hints. keigo had hoped asking dabi out for a date, walking in the park and the movie theater, as well as the cooking, maybe his lover would get the hint that he wanted to deepen this relationship. he thought he had it too. dabi agreed. but now it's back to square one and keigo assumes his villain wants nothing but sex from him.
he checks his brain, birdbrain at that, for answers. constantly while he waits. would dabi even answer him? he comes to bury his face into a pillow, wings fluffed from his hurt disposition. when he receives that message though, he thinks it over. immediately, he assumes he should pretend to be the whore he's constantly considered to be. but, he stops himself. stops the message from being typed.
and writes out what he actually feels.]
...no. Of course not. But what I want, you don't, right? I don't want to lose any of this, so even if it's you using me, then I'll take it. I just don't want to lose you.
no subject
the fact that dabi even agreed to a date in the first place shows that this isn't just a convenience and he hasn't thought that way about it in a long time. why would he be so jealous of hawks' other ones, then?
but even after all this time hawks doesn't know how to read dabi yet. or maybe he doesn't want to. dabi doesn't make it easy, that's for sure.
every time this happens though, dabi pulls away. he feels like he puts some of himself out there and it's misunderstood, or that he's doing it all wrong, and he's fully ready to shut it down again. this isn't meant for someone like him anyway. people like him don't go on dates.]
right. me usin you. that's all i do.
sure, hawks. it is what it fuckin is, right? i'll call ya when i need intel or a good fuck.
no subject
dabi had all these layers. like an onion. such a vegetable seemed fitting to the villain.
maybe there are parts keigo knows. there are parts he doesn't. he does, however, know how this will play out. they'll miss each other. they always do. at least, keigo likes to think dabi will miss him. it can go on for a few days, maybe a week at most, and they'll come back, apologizing in their own ways. their communication was the worst, and keigo can't put all the blame on dabi.
he could agree to the message, allow the villain to think he's just some good fuck to keep around. then keigo can find amazing intel for dabi to make amends. and they can loop it back all over again. in fact, keigo is already typing his message out to be just that, but before he hits send, he reads it back over. and sighs.
and retypes.]
You don't want that. And I don't want it either. I don't want to fight and wait a week and we fuck and make up again.
Can't we talk? Can you give me that much? I can't just only be a great intel and good fuck provider for you. It's more than that here, isn't it?
no subject
all of this does feel like a loop though. and endless loop of feelings and misunderstanding. trying to figure out how to deal with each other and themselves. dabi will hate himself and all the shit he actually tried to do, because he'll feel like it was useless and worthless, and why does it matter anyway? nothing ever does, or should. nothing but him being a villain, and his murderous goals that have nothing to do with love of peace.
nothing to do with finding home.
he expects hawks to just reply with the same stupid shit, and then he'll toss his phone against the wall and get completely wasted. who needs this anyways? not him. but that's not what happens this time, and dabi has to pause, reading the message over and over again before he replies. ]
fine. let's talk, then.
no subject
he hopes his villain doesn't bitch him out, doesn't tell him off. it makes him nervous, staring with worried golden eyes at the screen in the dark.
and, to his relief, dabi is agreeing, and keigo finds himself smiling. it's small though. nothing was fixed. he couldn't celebrate yet.
now, how do they talk? it can't be through texting. it's easy to misunderstand. what was considered too much and too little from here? should he call dabi or...?]
Come over. Please. We can talk in private here.
no subject
how do they talk, though. he has no idea either, and he wonders just how this will go. but he's already grabbing his jacket and shoving his feet into his boots, telling shigaraki that he's out for the night and to fuck off, he isn't telling him where.
twice gives him a knowing look anyway.]
yeah, alright. i'll drop by.
no subject
so, he does just that, and because he's a little on edge, he also uses his feathers to pick up his penthouse a bit. even though dabi had visited before when his home was messy, keigo feels as if he should provide a sort of clean atmosphere.
it also keeps his mind from wondering.
eventually, he deems the penthouse cleaned enough by his standards, so he waits with anticipation on the couch, coincidentally, wearing one of dabi's shirts. okay. maybe he put it on earlier after his shower when they had initially discussed dabi cooking him a meal. although now the shirt was ruined due to the large wings sticking out the back of it.
he'd have to buy dabi a new shirt.]
no subject