bakerstreet | Sure, an emotionally fulfilling relationship's okay, but have you tried: slow burn and mutual pining

Entry tags:

[meme] shipping

Sure, an emotionally fulfilling relationship's okay, but have you tried: slow burn and mutual pining

The Painful Secret Pining Meme

You've been with them for a long time - years, perhaps, maybe even their whole life. More than that, you served as a true friend and supporter. No one could be as dedicated as you are, and you're content to stay in the shadows and let them shine if it just means you can stay by their side a little longer.

But you're not a perfect saint or a martyr of friendship. There are somewhat selfish undertones to your loyalty. You love them.

You feel like you’ve loved them forever, yet while it’s a great affection - no, “great” is probably not enough - in your heart, these feelings are your secret, kept away from everyone…possibly from the object of your desire themself! After all, you couldn’t burden them with anything like that. So, you’ll allow your own emotions to come in second place.

Of course, you haven’t allowed yourself to figure out how this could come back to haunt you in the end, could you? What about when your love moves on to someone who’s “more than a friend?” They won’t need you as much any more. Can you take into account the moment when you snap and can’t hold back the truth any more? And even if you’re really “together,” others won’t know if you keep your relationship under lock and key, and you’ll have to endure others approaching your lover.

Then again, the shoe could be on the other foot. You could be the side being pined after. Will you ever realize your friend’s feelings; if you do, can you return them? After you are certain that you do, will it be too late? Can one burst of passion lead you both to something that changes your relationship forever?

Basically, it’s a meme about (one-sided) love one friend has for another over a long time. Devotion, angst, all that.
Thread out withheld desires, stoic facades, attempts at leaving this all behind, anger, awkwardness, breaking down, confessions, and all that.
Comment with your character and preferences. You might want to include your smut/no smut status.
Mention if you’d like your character to be the pining or the pined for.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ HMM Well anything post 15x18 won't be mutual secret pining anymore unless we AU it lol.

Okay, after thinking about it a little, what if we AU 15x20 so when Dean dies, instead of his soul going to heaven, it goes backwards in time looking for Cas, but basically just gets stuck going backwards. So we get to play Cas' death scene but Dean with 15x20 knowledge so he reacts differently, but it doesn't matter, Cas, gets sucked into the Empty anyway, Dean's soul jumps back further to like purgatory in 15x09, or whatever scenes/episodes in the show with these two that we want to fix/play with? Just an extended excuse to ~~fix~~ gay up every scene of theirs in the show basically.

But if that's too much or doesn't sound fun for you, I'm down for whatever ideas you have! I just love these two a lot, so I'm good with whatever. ]

[I'm willing to try it! It's an interesting concept. Would Dean's soul be jumping into his body at that point in time he gets flung to? And Cas wouldn't be aware right?]

[ Yeah! So he'd just take over his old self, and you can have Cas realize he's different if you want or have him not be aware, whatever's more fun. And if it doesn't jive we can try something more straightforward? ]

[Sure! Sounds good.]

( Okay! PM me if you decide you want to play something different and want to chat through whatever o/ )

[ It wasn't an easy death. It was slow and painful, agonizing right up until the dark came. There was nothing heroic about it. The worst part was leaving Sam, having to lie to him, telling him it was okay, making him promise not to bring him back when he knew that was the worst thing he could say to him. The one thought he had, as Sam's tear-streak face faded out and all Dean could see was cold, empty black, was that he hoped he didn't go to heaven. He wanted to go to The Empty or nowhere. He didn't want to end up some place that didn't have Cas. He was done with that. If there's one thing Dean wanted, and had wanted for the last five months, was for it to be over. Cas was gone, and he was done with it, living without him, existing. The whole thing.

When he opens his eyes, he thinks may there will be a reaper there, or an angel. He's half right. There's a loud thud against metal, and he startles, face turning toward the sound. That's a door in the bunker's basement. He recognizes it. That's Billie on the other side, sparking up the warding. And that's... ]

Cas?

[ There's Cas in front of him, tear-eyed, saying goodbye, and Dean looks at him, disbelieving. This is a memory. Is he in heaven? Why the hell would he be remembering this? "You changed me, Dean," Cas says, and Dean know what's coming next. He looks at the empty brick wall behind him. ]

No.

[ He says, mostly for himself, or for the angels that are running this clipshow, or Jack, or whoever thought it would be a good fucking idea to do this to him. He turns back to the memory of Cas, and he says, angrier, voice choked with the emotion of the memory, of seeing Cas in front of him again when he's gone in The Empty, and not coming back. ]

No, we're not doing this again.

[Castiel feels some kind of blip in space but he assumes it's Billie at the door or the Empty realizing it's time to collect payment. And he's too in the moment and what he's trying to tell Dean, to save Dean, that it barely registers either way.

He's not surprised that Dean is trying to deny him this sacrifice, but Castiel has to do this. He knows this is what he's been waiting for.]

Dean...

[He starts, but is surprised when Dean says something he's not expecting. It interrupts what he's going to say next (the most important thing) and he looks confused.]

What do you mean "again?"

[ There's a desperation in Dean he's got no reason to be feeling, because he's already dead. This already happened. This Cas is a memory; he's not real. There's no point getting worked up about it.

But he can't help it. There's Cas, like he was alive, like he was the last time Dean saw him alive, was there in the same room with him, and how the hell is something like this supposed to be Heaven? He's in Hell. He's got to be. No way Jack would be this cruel. The tears are already welling up in Dean's eyes, but he struggles to stay angry, because anger's so much easier. ]

I mean we're not doing this again. The whole "I love you" and then the portal to angel death.

[ He turns slightly towards the wall behind him, but his eyes are glued to Cas, like if he blinked, Cas would be gone again. Because he might be. Hell, just acknowledging that this isn't real might be enough to end it, and as much as Dean wants it over... He can't even stand thinking about losing Cas again, even in a memory. He closes the distance between them, puts a hand on Cas's neck, and he's warm, and solid, and it breaks Dean. His voice wavers and the tears start falling, even while he's trying to keep himself together. ]

I need you. Okay? I need you here with me. Cas... I need you not gone.

[As soon as Dean says those three words - the three words that he was about to say when Dean interrupted him - he looks stunned. Billie is still pounding at the door, which distracts him for a moment, but then he's looking back at Dean.]

I don't understand...how did you...?

[Did Dean just know all along? Had he suspected his true feelings?]

Dean...there isn't time.

[There's an urgency in his voice as his tears slip down. Dean has to let him do this. And then Dean's tears are also spilling and this isn't what's supposed to happen.]

She's going to kill you, Dean. You said it yourself. I won't let you die. If you know how I feel then you know I can't.

[ There's something weird about that, Dean acknowledges way deep in his gut where his hunter instinct lives. The script's different. He's stealing Cas's lines, but Cas isn't just going on and saying it anyway, he's asking how. Were heaven memories like that? God, it's been years. He can't remember. All he knows is, this isn't real, can't be, because Cas is gone. Dean wipes at the tears on Cas's cheeks with his thumb, brings the other hand up to do the same, doesn't bother with his own. Cas's been gone for months, and he's— ]

I'm already dead.

[ So what does it matter if Death kills them? How many times can one person die? A dream or heaven or hell, or whatever this is, he'll be happier when it's over. He's happier already than he was being alive, just seeing Cas alive, even like this, messed up as it is... ]

Let Billie kill me, trying to get to you. We'll go out like Thelma and Louise, right off that cliff. 'Cause if you try going to The Empty without me, Cas, so help me God, I'm going to ride your ass there with you. I can't say "goodbye" to you again, man. I won't do it.

[Castiel can't help himself. He closes his eyes for a moment and leans into Dean's touch - more intimate than it's ever been. Maybe this is what he gets for his sacrifice - this one moment.

He shakes his head and opens his eyes when Dean says he's already dead. Not if he can help it.]

Please, Dean. Please. You can't...I made a deal. It's going to happen sooner or later. Let me use it to save you.

[There's no way Castiel will let Dean end up in the Empty.]

Sam needs you. Jack needs you.

[The world needs the Winchesters. It doesn't need a fallen angel who has only messed things up over and over. But he can do this one thing right.]

[ That's how this always has to go, isn't it? One of them sacrificing themselves for the other, over and over again. Hell, Dean's last request to Sam was not to bring him back, but he can't say he won't do it, and what then? There's no getting Cas back from the Empty after the deal he made, and Dean's done living without him. His grip on Cas's neck tightens, just a little, insistent. ]

And I need you. Jack needs you, too. And Sam. We love you.

[ This isn't how it went, so what is this? Maybe he's not dead. Maybe the vampire thing wasn't real, and this is a djinn dream. Dean's got no idea anymore. He just knows that he regrets it. Losing Cas again, losing the chance for something more, something better than what they got. So whatever this is, he's not screwing it up twice. ]

I love you.

[ He should've said it. He couldn't, and god, he wishes he did. So he says it now, with tear-stained cheeks, still holding onto Cas like he might just turn to dust right in his hands if he lets go. ]

You're my happiness. And I'm yours, okay. Alive, together. Not whatever this is.

[ There's still Billie pounding on the door behind Cas, the warding Cas put up in blood sparking in Dean's peripheral vision more than he remembers it ever had, but he doesn't look anywhere but Cas's eyes, so beautiful, so damn sad, wet with tears. It never should've came to this, but it really, really shouldn't have ended like it did. Dean's voice drops quiet, rough with desperation. ]

Don't leave me, Cas. Don't do this.

[Castiel lets out a sound that might be a laugh or a sob or both. This isn't what he expected. None of it. He expected to say his piece and be pulled into oblivion. He didn't expect Dean to say the words first of all things. He didn't expect Dean to say them at all.]

Dean...

[He doesn't even know what to say. No...that's not right. He does know, but he also knows that the Empty awaits. In fact, he thinks it's starting already. So there isn't much time.]

I love you, too. I...I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Dean. I should have said. I don't want to leave you. I promise you.

[But that choice isn't his and he doesn't see how he can get out of the deal or how to defeat Billie. His hand comes up to press against Dean's hand on his cheek and he smiles through his tears. It's unfair. They could have had this. He didn't know.]

[ There was no other way out, and Dean knows that. Logically, he knows Cas did the right thing, the only thing they could do. He died to pull Billie into the Empty and spare Dean, but the thing is... He didn't feel saved. Sure, him and Sam and Jack stopped God. They saved the world from being just another crumpled up, tossed away manuscript. But then they had to live in that world. Then he had to keep going on living, without Cas, because of Cas, and that's a shitty way to live. Every day, he prayed, and he drank, and he thought about this moment, and how it should've gone, what he could've done different.

Well, this is it. The bad end happened, and he doesn't care how it goes this time, if they both end up in The Empty or Billie kills him. As long as he's with Cas again, finally, that's fine.

Cas promises, and Dean nods, ignoring the apology that didn't need to be made in favor of everything else Cas is saying. ]

Good. Then don't.

[ He brushes more of those tears from Cas's cheeks, and he threads his fingers through the hand of Cas's that's covered his. He brings their linked hands to his lips and kisses Cas's knuckles, and doesn't let go, afraid of what'll happen if he does, afraid to look away, that Cas'll be gone just like that, in an instant, like had happened so many times before. The door pounds. The air feels thick with magic, or emption, or who knows what. Dean ignores it. He ignores everything but Cas, so sad and so beautiful, still alive in whatever place this is, right in front of him. It doesn't matter anymore if it's real or not. It's better than reality ever treated him, and Dean doesn't want it to end. ]

We'll make up for past mistakes. And I promise not to leave you, either.

[He curls his hand around Dean's and watches in awe as Dean kisses them. They could have had this. Why didn't he see it? He wonders if his regret will null out the moment of happiness that called up the Empty. He doesn't think so.]

Dean...it's coming.

[He can feel it. He can see it. As an angel he can see inside and outside this moment at once. Billie at the door. The black of the Empty. Dean's tear stained face.]

It will kill you.

[Or it will reject him. Take Castiel and spit Dean back out. There's no place for humans in the Empty. But there's also no place for humans or angels in purgatory either. They had proven that wrong. He almost wishes they were going back to purgatory at this point. A lifetime fighting monsters next to Dean is preferable to the nothingness that awaits him.

He should push Dean away before he gets hurts, but he's frozen in this moment - Dean's lips on his skin, eyes locked, hands tangled together.]

[ There's a rush of adrenaline Dean feels at Cas's warning, but it's not fear. He's not scared of dying. Not anymore. He pulls Cas's caught hand up to rest on his shoulder and does the same with the other quick after, pulling Cas in by his hips and holding him close, kissing the tearstains on Cas's cheek as he smiles. ]

Won't be the first time.

[ Death might not scare Dean anymore, but The Empty should, shouldn't it? He's never seen it, never fought it. Never been to that place that Cas's described as nothingness, run by some narcoleptic cosmic entity that's stronger than God. He's not scared, though. Living without Cas, then dying in some barn on a vamp hunt gone wrong, leaving Sam to clean up the mess he left, and ending up someplace new without Cas all over again? That scares the hell out of him. He wraps his arms tighter around Cas's waist, holding on. No getting shoved away this time. ]

[Castiel huffs out a watery laugh and shakes his head at Dean’s self-sacrificing tendencies that have led him to so many deaths. Too many.

He closes his eyes at Dean’s kisses. They’re like a balm against this at the same time horrible and wonderful moment. But if this is it. If this is his last moment on this earth, the last time he’ll see Dean Winchester, then he’s not going to waste any more of it. He opens his eyes and Dean is right there. His hands tighten on Dean’s shoulders and it’s so easy to lean in and press his lips to the hunter’s. The universe has it in for them, but it can’t take this away.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sure, an emotionally fulfilling relationship's okay, but have you tried: slow burn and mutual pining

cw: spoilers for the end of Supernatural

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: death, suicidal thoughts

Sorry for the delay!

No worries!

Re: No worries!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject