foureightsix (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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bakerstreet2021-02-19 12:52 pm
foureightsix) wrote in bakerstreet2021-02-19 12:52 pm
Entry tags:
[ FBI agent and daughter of a con artist. Full biography is here. ]
1) Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
2) To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
3) My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery.
4) And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed.
5)[ Text Janet. ]
1) Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
2) To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
3) My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery.
4) And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed.
5)[ Text Janet. ]
Edited 2021-02-19 18:00 (UTC)
- 1. So how did lowering your standards work out last night??
2. I'm tired of you "accidentally" texting me when you're doing illegal things
3. I just need to shower poor decision making off of my thighs
4. You kept spraying the cat with water and telling it to "man up" when it cried
5. ( text him! )
Is it the accident part or the illegal part? Because I'm a bit strapped on the latter.
Edited 2021-02-19 18:21 (UTC)
i. a drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather boa, a wine glass, and a 15" bowie knife. you're looking for the one under that
ii. he claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. debatable
iii. as i was throwing up blood i assured concerned onlookers id just eaten a lot of ketchup today
iv. all i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. i just couldnt stop
ii. he claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. debatable
iii. as i was throwing up blood i assured concerned onlookers id just eaten a lot of ketchup today
iv. all i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. i just couldnt stop
how much blood?
[does she have to find a nice ditch to leave him in??]
[does she have to find a nice ditch to leave him in??]
1: Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
2: I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
3: This person keeps on sending me little icons of eggplants, peaches, tongues, water droplets, and hand symbols. I feel like I’m not understanding something.
4: I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
5: I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
6: [bring your own text]
2: I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
3: This person keeps on sending me little icons of eggplants, peaches, tongues, water droplets, and hand symbols. I feel like I’m not understanding something.
4: I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
5: I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
6: [bring your own text]
i. just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. going to give it 5 min then i'm going in. see you on the other side.
ii. please collect your boyfriend. he's semi-passed out on the couch trying to grab asses as people walk by. anyone's ass, he isn't choosy.
iii. i'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. i'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
iv. well i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage
ii. please collect your boyfriend. he's semi-passed out on the couch trying to grab asses as people walk by. anyone's ass, he isn't choosy.
iii. i'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. i'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
iv. well i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage
1. You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
2. I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is wonderful!
3. I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
4. Eating pizza at 9 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had, but it beats working.
5. We're currently on the phone, she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit. I muted myself and I’m watching scary movies.
6. Text her!
2. I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is wonderful!
3. I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
4. Eating pizza at 9 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had, but it beats working.
5. We're currently on the phone, she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit. I muted myself and I’m watching scary movies.
6. Text her!
i. Don't worry about the blood on the pillow. It's from my face.
ii. He was, once again, the drunkest girl at the party.
iii. We aren't even in the same country and I heard about your hook-up last night before you'd even had it.
iv. She called all my friends to find out where I was last night. Seven out of ten said their place.
ii. He was, once again, the drunkest girl at the party.
iii. We aren't even in the same country and I heard about your hook-up last night before you'd even had it.
iv. She called all my friends to find out where I was last night. Seven out of ten said their place.
Edited 2021-02-19 17:56 (UTC)
1) It was like Where's Waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
2) Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
3) Solid performance last night. Would you like to be fuck buddies?
4) Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator.
5) Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered.
6) ( text him! )
01. And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juice
02. thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
03. i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
04. i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
05. Text him
02. thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
03. i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
04. i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
05. Text him
I ran out of whiskey. How do you know what windex tastes like?
1. 1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the heck are you
2. doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. he asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
3. there are leaves in my underwear?
4. thrres cinnamon everywgte. plead cine get me
5. i'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. this may not end well.
6. text him!
1: You. Me. Closest empty room. We have 20 minutes.
2: Remind me never to take that much pain killer ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
3: you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on
4: ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and you're welcome.
5: I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
6: [bring your own text]
2: Remind me never to take that much pain killer ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
3: you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on
4: ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and you're welcome.
5: I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
6: [bring your own text]
01. they knew we were both too shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
02. Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
03. With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
04. I bought weed. Teach me to shotgun.
05. Text him
02. Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
03. With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
04. I bought weed. Teach me to shotgun.
05. Text him
I am 100% sure you meant that for someone else because what the fuck?
1. Sent you business cards that describe your profession as Tortured Soul. You're welcome.
2. I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
3. She called me an ungrateful asshole because I laughed when she asked me "how do you, me, and a bed sound?"
4. They're taking me to the ER. Mistakenly. Come get me.
5. Text him.
( gently voicetesting atm. seasons 1-2 compliant. )
1) i'll be so proud. like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
2) i feel like death crawled up inside me and died. that sick
3) we're the kind of people who ruin family vacations.
4) mass text to all of my back up boy toys. first one here wins. mama needs some.
5) i slept naked last night on stolen pillows. i felt like a golden goddess.
2) i feel like death crawled up inside me and died. that sick
3) we're the kind of people who ruin family vacations.
4) mass text to all of my back up boy toys. first one here wins. mama needs some.
5) i slept naked last night on stolen pillows. i felt like a golden goddess.
1. You inquired as to whether I would be looking upon you with disdain, then asked if it were possible for the great Prinzessin der Verurteilung to make you sober.
2. A shame! This royal vessel is currently without any company, well past the fourth hour of the morning, consuming what appears to be some sort of cold skewer..
3. I do not think there is anything peculiar about wanting a slide instead of a staircase!
4. You looked absolutely frigid, so the kind Prinzessin covered you with leaves for a blanket, of course.
5. Do you know what it means to be "spooning"?
2. A shame! This royal vessel is currently without any company, well past the fourth hour of the morning, consuming what appears to be some sort of cold skewer..
3. I do not think there is anything peculiar about wanting a slide instead of a staircase!
4. You looked absolutely frigid, so the kind Prinzessin covered you with leaves for a blanket, of course.
5. Do you know what it means to be "spooning"?
1: Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
2: Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of corellian rum and moving on.
3: Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
4: So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... '
5: long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
6: [bring your own text]
2: Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of corellian rum and moving on.
3: Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
4: So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... '
5: long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
6: [bring your own text]
1. Have you considered murder?
2. I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
3. It's official drugs can't kill me
4. I think I sort of joined another cult last night.
5. text him
2. I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
3. It's official drugs can't kill me
4. I think I sort of joined another cult last night.
5. text him
01. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
02. I'm going to buy some wine, come back, call my grandfather, and eat all those croissants.
03. I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
04. Wait an hour then go and untie him. Want anything from the cafe?
05. You called me, told me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomited, then hung up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
06. [ Text him! Misfires welcome by me, if not him. ]
02. I'm going to buy some wine, come back, call my grandfather, and eat all those croissants.
03. I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
04. Wait an hour then go and untie him. Want anything from the cafe?
05. You called me, told me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomited, then hung up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
06. [ Text him! Misfires welcome by me, if not him. ]
[ Shelby's bio. ]
1. I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate anything else?
2. The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
3. I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
4. Text Shelby.
1. I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate anything else?
2. The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
3. I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
4. Text Shelby.
1: It's a bit inconvenient how often you cause me to have an erection.
2: It's kind of sad that my greatest accomplishment today is that I stood up and didn't fall down.
3: Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Or vice versa. Happy?
4: Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me the good painkillers and juice.
5: I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
6: [bring your own text]
2: It's kind of sad that my greatest accomplishment today is that I stood up and didn't fall down.
3: Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Or vice versa. Happy?
4: Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me the good painkillers and juice.
5: I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
6: [bring your own text]
1. You don't remember stealing them?
2. I would reciprocate the feeling if I knew who this was.
3. How do we leave politely?
4. I was surprised he admitted he couldn't keep up. We both knew but usually they don't come out and say it.
5. Now that you're back together, are you going to tell him you set his things on fire?
6. text him!
2. I would reciprocate the feeling if I knew who this was.
3. How do we leave politely?
4. I was surprised he admitted he couldn't keep up. We both knew but usually they don't come out and say it.
5. Now that you're back together, are you going to tell him you set his things on fire?
6. text him!
I don't think that you will like this answer, but by the current standards on courtesy: in roughly 60-90 minutes, and only after verbally passing onto the hosts an appropriate amount of well-wishes for their hard work.
[ ... several moments later: ]
Actually, we're in Mondstadt, so perhaps 45-60 minutes is acceptable here.
[ ... several moments later: ]
Actually, we're in Mondstadt, so perhaps 45-60 minutes is acceptable here.
1: woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. you're dangerous.
2: Never in my life have I been as excited to nap as I am right now.
3: This is me politely asking you to slam me against the wall and make out with me.
4: Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the 'fresher floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
5: But in all honesty, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
6: [bring your own text]
2: Never in my life have I been as excited to nap as I am right now.
3: This is me politely asking you to slam me against the wall and make out with me.
4: Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the 'fresher floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
5: But in all honesty, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
6: [bring your own text]
Impending sunrise or oncoming traffic?
1. I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming
2. A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
3. I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
4. I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
5. So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
2. A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
3. I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
4. I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
5. So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
1. just tell me the parts i wanna hear
2. I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
3. His penis is my hero
4. Fun fact. The average person would walk past a murderer about 36 times in their lifetime.
5. I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
6. Text him
[ Open to misfires and assumed cr ]
2. I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
3. His penis is my hero
4. Fun fact. The average person would walk past a murderer about 36 times in their lifetime.
5. I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
6. Text him
[ Open to misfires and assumed cr ]
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