1sts (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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bakerstreet2020-11-27 03:49 pm
1sts) wrote in bakerstreet2020-11-27 03:49 pm
Entry tags:
1. Did you give my number to some rando at a cantina last week? If so, I told them that their call wasn't funny and you'd been dead for 15 years.
2. Any room can be a panic room if you'd give me a fucking second
3. If you ask a coworker "how are you" and they say "Well, I'm here", that loosely translates to: "I need you to push me off the room. We can make it look like an accident. If I die, I'm finally free. If I love, we'll sue this place and split the money. Please help."
4. No Noise November. Everybody Shut up.
5. ( text him! )
one — We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth.
two — He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
three — I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's because you cooked it over burning styrofoam.
four — Well last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at the market. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it.
five — Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obituary photo was his Grindr photo.
one — People don't fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face.
two — You did what with his pubic hair?
three — 1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
four — Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
five — Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
1. its not a good night unless im covered in bruises the next day
2. my mkouth tastes houw teh barn smelllls
3. you idiot just get here forget about the wine the millelith are looking for you
4. there was a trail of blood leading into the alley next to the pub
it reminded me of you
5. text him!
2. my mkouth tastes houw teh barn smelllls
3. you idiot just get here forget about the wine the millelith are looking for you
4. there was a trail of blood leading into the alley next to the pub
it reminded me of you
5. text him!
Edited 2020-11-27 20:55 (UTC)
.1 â–º I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job keeping me alive last night.
.2 â–º Don't think my hand is broken since I'm still typing with
.3 â–º If you're not dead now would be a good time to reply.
.4 â–º At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there or why you didn't get out of it. Please don't make it a habit.
.5 ► Text him. Misfires are A+. OTA — crosscanon/mediums/ocs, etc.
1. You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
2. I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting the movie went horribly wrong.
3. btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
4. and she should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with her
2. I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting the movie went horribly wrong.
3. btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
4. and she should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with her
1. Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
2. its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
3. The strip club called, they have your shoe.
4. Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
2. its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
3. The strip club called, they have your shoe.
4. Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
1. Well, one of us has to be wrong, and it's not going to be me.
2. He was definitely old enough to have sex before you even learned how to walk.
3. That's not even the first time I had to leave a party through a third floor window.
4. I can't remember how long I've been laying here... It could be 10 minutes to a day.
5. text him!
2. He was definitely old enough to have sex before you even learned how to walk.
3. That's not even the first time I had to leave a party through a third floor window.
4. I can't remember how long I've been laying here... It could be 10 minutes to a day.
5. text him!
1. I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
2. Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
3. Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
4. the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
2. Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
3. Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
4. the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
A. i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
B. started my week off by being hospitalized. You?
C. I think my stomach is breaking up with me.
D. Im handcuffed to your bathroom sink...WHY?
E. We didn't actually get married last night...right?!
F. is for failure to communicate i mean misfire him i mean yolo i mean ota
1. First off: I'm drunk so fuck you.
2. DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
3. There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
4. It's like you are the intoner of getting jizzed on
5. Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
6. Text her.
2. DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
3. There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
4. It's like you are the intoner of getting jizzed on
5. Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
6. Text her.
1. Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
2. I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
3. I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
4. Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
2. I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
3. I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
4. Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
one — you're fired. i need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
two — you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. you decide.
three — running across highways takes a lot out of you. when he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
four — just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. whoever said alcoholism is bad for you obviously has no fucking idea.
five — sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my brother
1. The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
2. He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
3. I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need coffee. Mainlined.
4. I didn't scare your boss by showing up on the roof, did I?
2. He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
3. I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need coffee. Mainlined.
4. I didn't scare your boss by showing up on the roof, did I?
1: i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
2: And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
3: Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
4: We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
5: Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
6: [bring your own text]
2: And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
3: Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
4: We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
5: Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
6: [bring your own text]
1. I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
2. I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
3. You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
4. Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
2. I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
3. You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
4. Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
1. My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
2. you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
3. It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else he'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
4. My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
2. you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
3. It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else he'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
4. My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
1. Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
2. I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
3. he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
4. OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the overwatch group chat
5. text her.
2. I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
3. he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
4. OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the overwatch group chat
5. text her.
1. I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
2. At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
3. I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
4. I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
5. Text him.
2. At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
3. I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
4. I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
5. Text him.
1. The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
2. That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
3. i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
4. the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day...
2. That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
3. i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
4. the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day...
- 1. just found glass in my funny face pancakes. there's nothing funny about that
2. i won't ask you to forgive me but i'll pay for your emergency room visit
3. karaoke resulted in only four injuries this time so there's some improvement
4. the bruises from climbing out the window last night make sitting impossible but that isn't a legit excuse to not study
5. ( text him! )
Oh dear, Naa-chan what happened?
Forget studying, you must tell me everything~!
Was it a romantic escape~?
Forget studying, you must tell me everything~!
Was it a romantic escape~?
1: Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
2: So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... '
3: It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
4: I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
5: Are you complaining because we're having too much sex for you to find the time to masturbate?
6: [bring your own text]
2: So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... '
3: It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
4: I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
5: Are you complaining because we're having too much sex for you to find the time to masturbate?
6: [bring your own text]
1. I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and Jell-O.
2. Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
3. It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
4. I dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
5. Text him!
2. Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
3. It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
4. I dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
5. Text him!
1. And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
2. Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
3. "I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
4. Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
5. Before you panic, none of that blood is mine. And yes, the guy is somehow still alive.
6. (or text her!)
2. Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
3. "I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
4. Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
5. Before you panic, none of that blood is mine. And yes, the guy is somehow still alive.
6. (or text her!)
Edited 2020-11-27 20:57 (UTC)
1. I'd tell you there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
2. What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
3. I just woke up to 17 texts from you detailing all the things you would do for a french fry
4. Please keep texting me so I can pretend someone likes me.
5. Just saw a guy walk down the street with a sword and zero clothes.
6. text him!
2. What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
3. I just woke up to 17 texts from you detailing all the things you would do for a french fry
4. Please keep texting me so I can pretend someone likes me.
5. Just saw a guy walk down the street with a sword and zero clothes.
6. text him!
Honestly, "get your shit together" will get the point across fine in a pinch.
Short, blunt, doesn't mince words. Sometimes the direct approach works best. Especially when the situation doesn't call for pleasantries.
Short, blunt, doesn't mince words. Sometimes the direct approach works best. Especially when the situation doesn't call for pleasantries.
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