bakerstreet | Hardest words to say

Hardest words to say

HARDEST WORDS TO SAY

Sometimes the hardest things to say are also the most important. It doesn't matter how much it scares you to do so, it's finally time to be honest.

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01. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE Unfortunately, you can't keep lying to your partner/friend/family anymore. You just don't feel the same for them anymore.

02. I WOULD KILL YOU The person who means so much to you has done something completely unforgivable and now it's time to make sure they know where they stand. You would kill them if you ever got the chance.

03. I LOVE YOU, BUT... A bittersweet love confession. You know you love this person more than anything, but you're not sure you can give them what they need.

04. I DON'T TRUST YOU No matter how you feel about this person, you really can't trust them anymore.

05. SACRIFICE You're going to sacrifice yourself, for the person you're talking with or for the good of all humanity. You want them to know the reasons and that there's no stopping you.

06. TROUBLE You're in trouble and you might not make it through. You need to let at least one person know how you feel before it's too late though.

07. CRIME CONFESSION You did something you weren't proud of and now it's time to admit it.

08. DEMONS We've all got our demons and we've all got our own personal nightmares we have to face, but this time? You can't hold it all back.

09. I'M PREGNANT... Now's not the best time for it maybe or maybe you're just nervous how your partner will react, but they need to hear it.

10. BETRAYAL You've betrayed this person and you have to tell them the truth, no more running from it

11. CHEATED You've been unfaithful and it's time to tell your lover.

12. BROKEN That's it. You've had it. You are entirely broken and tired of everything.

13. AFRAID Something has you deathly afraid and you need to talk about it.

14. HELP ME You need someone to help you, bad. You can't do it alone anymore, you've tried.

15. I'M SORRY You said something or did something horrible and now it's time to ask for forgiveness.

16. YOU WERE A MISTAKE Sorry, but whoever you're talking to was the biggest mistake of your life or maybe it was just something you did together.

17. NOT WHO I SAY I AM You're so far from who they think you are, you need to finally tell the truth.

18. LET'S RUN AWAY You want to just get out, leave everything behind and be with this one person for the rest of your life.

19. ASHAMED Either you're ashamed of something they have done or something you did, either way you need to bring it up.

20. CAN'T REMEMBER The person standing in front of you looks so happy to see you, so relieved, but how do you tell them you can't remember a thing about them?

21. HOW COULD YOU You don't understand how they could treat you like they have, do what they have done when you've done nothing but be good to them.

22. YOUR CHOICE Either choose an option from above, mix and match, or make up your own idea.

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[The cigarette lights this time almost of it's own accord, his eyes open at those words. They seem to have still been on Totsuka the whole time because it is there the gaze lands immediately.

A loose trail of smoke snakes it's way around those red spikes atop his head, one of the side strands almost in front of his eye when those words fell upon his ears.

Mind? No, he did not, in fact he come to more than not mind these moments over the years.

There is a moment he considers teasing the other, perfectly natural if he did, yet, there is that look still, the one that tells Mikoto some how it all means more today.]

It's not so bad.

[He expects it, really, the teasing that doesn't come. Instead there's a small flame flickering to light the cigarette, and Totsuka smiles to see it before his eyes return to meet his King's. He's never been anything less than imposing, but it's a comforting presence, knowing Mikoto would never do anything to harm him. How could he be afraid?

Predictably, his heart seems to beat harder in his chest, and he thinks it should be loud enough to be heart across the room by now. Despite that, he sits back on the couch, leaning back with some pretense at relaxing. So many Buts and Can'ts spinning around his head, he wants to make more certain than this. Somehow.
For now, he'll settle for being grateful he can be this close. It's great! He just wishes it was enough.]

[It was not an awkward silence, at least not to Mikoto, he did not need constant talk so for a few minutes he just sprawled there in the chair, smoke plumes moving over his head till the cigarette was gone.

The butt is done away, a soft breath expels from his lungs and the ceiling loses it's interest.

His movement is slight but he shifts in the chair, getting more comfortable obviously okay with just sitting here for however long they did.]

Careful, your brain may start to smoke.

[There is that slight amused sound, the faint curve of smirk into smile before it disappears.]

[It should be comfortable. Always has been, always was, but now, now it's hard to calm down, even when there's Mikoto. He feels drawn in, as he always has, but more. Doesn't want to fight it - never needed to before - but he's his vassal, his clansman. And that's all, isn't it? That should be all. ...he's never cared about 'should' before, either.
The teasing snaps him out of it easily enough. But he sees the truth of it, too.]

It's not like me, is it? Thinking that hard on something?

[Ruefully, he looks down, down and away, before recovering his smile. He doesn't want the King to worry. But it's a big late for that, isn't it?]

[Mikoto never made a move as a King, not since those first days, he was not about to start now. He also was not a man who would think over the should of a situation. Things just were what they were and that is what they were going to be.]

No, you're not being carefree.

[Reckless was more like it, but Mikoto chose his words and those were the ones he was going to use as he pushes himself up from his chair. It takes no more than a step with those long legs, he stands before Totsuka.

His hand raises, it falls upon the others head, rest there as he just looks down at him for a moment.

Wasn't this the guy who was supposed to say how it would all be alright? No worry though, Mikoto knew he was still that guy.]

[Carefree, he says. And Totsuka can't help but think about risks he's taken. Broken limbs, the threat of a knife or a snapped neck or a crushed throat. Naturally, his eyes follow Mikoto as he comes to him, and he looks up with curiosity, ever wakeful eyes on him. His eyes close, though, when Mikoto's hand lands on his head. He smiles, calm and easy, head tilting slightly to lean into the touch.

He can't help but think, "what risk?" just in comparison, and it makes him chuckle.

Opening his eyes by degrees, still smiling, he brings his own hand up to touch the one resting on his head. Not bold, not quite, but certain, slender fingers tracking over the back of his hand. Looking up at his King, he finds his doubts gone, his hesitation. Fear seems silly, suddenly.]

I love you, you know.

Ha..[That soft sound is all he gives at first, that was it, was it? It left a warmth, different from the usual fire he contained, those words, that hand.

Silence remains at first, Mikoto watches his face, brave, sure, the same certainty he feels in the slender fingers over top his own.

His eyes are the first thing to give any indication, coming to his response in his own time he closes them. What did he say? Mikoto was not a man of sentiment after all.

But this, this was more than some random confession and well,where his hand rests, that the other hand is over his. Physical contact, not a thing he allows quite often, affection, he was not, then he stops that thought because what was he doing right now if he he was not the affectionate type.

There is faith in those eyes that find his, the face, the smile, it is all and has been his strength more than most would notice.

It is after all this that he finally speaks, his hand does not move, his eyes once more fall closed. That fondness curves the edge of his mouth.

He could hear the other in his head, don't sweat it, it'll be alright and the words come.]

I know, you know the same too. [Words, never his strong suit, but the feelings, most certainly returned and he assumes, there and now that Totsuka knows this, he can see it in him, after all, he sees what Mikoto himself can not see within his own self or so it has always seemed.]

[Totsuka had always been the one who saw where the lines really were. The one who, therefore, knew exactly how to carefully navigate them and get away with things others would not dare to try. His faith doesn't waver. It never has. But this? This is new, brand new in that way that feels a little bit like being scared, a little bit like falling.

He hears the exhale, and he thinks 'here it comes'. Expects some way of being let down in a way that might hurt slightly less. But instead...

Instead he's beaming, overjoyed to see that fond smile.]

You- ... [He knows? And he stops himself before he falls all over his own words in response, instead, lets go of his breath like he's been holding it. It sounds almost like a laugh, and looks like it might be one, too, with the slight shaking of his shoulders.]

I was worried if I told you, you might not... [All sorts of things. Not feel the same way. Not want him close anymore. Not take it seriously.]

Ah, but... it looks like I could have taken my own advice, doesn't it?
[It'll work out somehow. And it is.]

[It was endearing, the entire response from the first excited smile, to the slight laugh, to the words spoke. It was all Totsuka again. All because that smile it so bright once more.

Such a wierd guy Mikoto thinks, but it is always with that fondness, that crack in a rather well set armor. He obviously cares for all his clan, but this, yes, this was different.]

Up to you, turned out alright, didn't it?

[Romantic was not something the King would ever be called. Calm, for a moment even that edge in the back of his mind, the thought of burning is gone. All lost in a smile and warm eyes in front of him.]

[Another laugh. It's strange to hear Mikoto say it, very strange, but it warms him in a way he can't properly express.]

Yeah, I'd say.

[Second thoughts are a thing of the past. They never suited him anyway, and if problems arise, they'll deal with those then. Totsuka gives the hand atop his head a light squeeze, before gently, slowly shifting it to the side of his face. Eye contact is steady as his smile, but he'd never demand, only ask. And now, he'd like to feel that warmth against his skin. No big words or big actions.]

[That was new, he watches eye contact broken as his hand is brought to Totsuka's face, his fingers still, then slowly they move in a pattern they have never known to cup that cheek.

He is always warm, but is powers kick up a little, it is never enough to hurt, a gentle radiation from fingertip to palm, where ever skin touches to skin.

Big words or big actions would have been awkward here, instead there is the steady gazes, the warmth of skin. A peace that settles over, problems were something that came, Mikoto did not even stop to consider them at this juncture.]

Ha.

[Eyes close, roughened palm rests against smooth skin, breaths are easy. A cigarette has not even been thought of let alone sought out. He focuses in his silence on the warmth in his palm, the tingle that did not come from power.]

Edited 2013-01-19 02:21 (UTC)

[For a pattern they have never known, they settle quickly. Totsuka exhales quietly, visibly enjoying the touch, the gentle warmth of it. This is, really, what drew him to Mikoto in the first place. Not just the strength, but strength used with kindness in mind, with purpose. This man isn't some loose canon.

Mikoto has Totsuka's absolute trust.

If it wasn't clear enough before this, Totsuka leans into that hand, callouses and all. Hands that know to break, to burn, and he knows they do, yet he closes his eyes, still smiling, with not a care in the world. Takes a deep breath of lingering smoke, cigarette and otherwise, that seems to cling to Mikoto no matter what, these days. And it fits, doesn't it? Suits him well, at least in this one's mind.

He enjoys the moment, wishing he could somehow capture it, yet knowing how much of it would be lost if he did. This is good, just as it is.]

[He knows Totsuka trusts him, believes in him, it is the man's belief that is Mikoto's, he has none of his own. He would never see himself as this, a King, strong, protector, no, these were not words Mikoto would have used to describe himself.

They are all words that this man's beliefs helped make true. Pressure comes into his palm when Totsuka leans in, it is a comforting feel.

So strange, new, yet familiar all at once. Ease is what he feels, his hand never leaves, his form however does. Down he goes, beside Totsuka on that couch.

There are no words he needs here, no more gesture than his hand upon that cheek. Relaxed is what his posture says as he turns his body to make sure the contact of his hand does not fade.]

Edited 2013-01-19 03:52 (UTC)

[It's a welcome shift. Puts them, in a way, on more even ground, and that makes him so happy it nearly hurts. Because despite everything, they can be together. Can be as equals, even if they're not. His smile, grateful as he opens his eyes, shifts where he sits to accomodate, says more than he can find words for.

It puts his King within reach. So reach for him he does, as he hasn't since the days HOMRA began, his free hand moving slowly, tentatively, brushing aside a strand of hair as his own calloused fingertips touch the side of his face. They don't stay there. Instead, they slide into the red mass of it, just to find out what it feels like. There's so much of him that Totsuka feels he doesn't know, suddenly. Even so, his movements remain unhurried.]

[It is as if the touch lingers once it is gone. Never has he felt those fingers there, yet skin will not soon forget. They find his hair and Mikoto feels it not just where touch lay, but through him.

His own hand stays ever steady, ever present as Totsuka's explores. At last eyes draw open, his head moves into the touch in the slightest of measure.

Thumb is all the moves as it draws a line across cheek, gaze, as warm and steady as his hand meets with Totsuka, it is one guard let down, his gaze, unchecked, not something Mikoto gives to many, not when it reveals such emotion.]

[It makes his smile brighten all over again, knowing this, the closeness, the contact, is being enjoyed rather than simply permitted, and while Totsuka doesn't need the signs, necessarily, it's still nice to see them. All as he feels that warmth, steady and kind against his skin.

He continues, threading fingers through thick, short hair he's half surprised isn't actually fire. Down from there to his neck, past the last wisps of red, and it occurs to him that he could tug and pull and shift - but he doesn't. Rather, he meets those eyes, eyes that never seem to decide what colour they are, convinced there's absolutely nothing to worry about. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just them, and slowly but surely, it seems like that warmth moves through his skin, leaving an imprint there as surely as the mark of flame, only that this one is just for him and goes without the threat of searing.]

[Perhaps it is the flames in him, his eyes reflect what he holds behind the silent, seemingly calm demeanor he has most times. Right now, it is not such holding in, no, right now he is calm.

Mikoto watches him, wondering only to himself just what is going on behind those eyes which seem warmer than any flame he could emit. For a moment he may look as if he is going to say something.

Then he does not, instead he just leans in, hand does not move, eyes do not waver, lips find Totsuka's forehead and for one brief second they rest there. There was not another who drew breath upon this earth who could tame Mikoto this way, who could instigate something so gentle, yet here, it seemed natural.]

[Totsuka waits for the words, but no words come, and he figures, that's still fine. He feels his heart hammering in his chest instead, and his fingers still as Mikoto leans in. There's no nervousness, none of that, not now, and he lets his eyes close. It's as though even just this little bit of warmth burned it right out of him, leaving only this, only them.

His hand that's still resting on Mikoto's finally moves, sliding up his arm, his sleeve, his shoulder. Finds a new place to stay when it reaches his side, and then his back. It seems to fit there, so there he lets it stay, trading warmth for warmth, even if his is only the natural kind.]

[There is no sound except that of a rustle of clothing or the faint exhale of air as it leaves lungs. It is not needed, the words were something that came just as easy in the actions.

Would he have thought when his eyes first opened in those moments before that he would be soon in this room. Totsuka's hand resting there against his back, his own holding his cheek. No, he would not have thought to live this moment in the course of his day, yet, in the same breath he could not imagine this not in his life either. Things known and unspoken, slowly growing that it all flowed like one story, to this moment.

His forehead moving now so that it can touch to Totsuka's, those eyes remain ever the same in their intensity and hold, even as the color seems to dance like fire.]

[Opening his eyes to meet Mikoto's up this close, he visibly fumbles for a moment. Wants to try for words, to defuse this, deflate it, to somehow make it less of what it is and make some room in his chest again.

He thinks better of it, though. Settles on just watching the fire there, looking right at him, even if he thinks he might somehow overflow from it all. Maybe that's why he trembles, just slightly, breathing in, but it's all smoothed over with the exhale. But he doesn't look away, doesn't want to miss a second of it.]

[If he thought of it, he would have to say this is the longest that Totsuka has been quiet, except when he was asleep.

That however is not what he thinks of, instead his eyes keep with Totsuka's, he feels things in him Mikoto never saw existing in his life. That same noise, the exhale that he makes so often comes.

His other hand comes, both hold a cheek within their grasp. Surprisingly, it is Mikoto who breaks the silence.]

Thank you.

[He finds he likes it, being held like this by his King. But then the words come - and they're not what he expected. Not that he could say for sure what he expected at all. It seems a very him thing to say, thinking of it. But in response he gives a minimal shake of his head, lips curling in quiet, fond amusement.]

Don't mention it. I thought I was pretty selfish, actually.

You are always selfish.

[It is a tease, the tone of his voice says as much as his eyes fall upon that found curling of lips. It is nothing unpleasant, unexpected yes, he did not think to be here today.

But he now does not want to be anywhere else. A hand drifts away, arm slips around Totsuka. Mikoto closes his eyes, juts his chin just a little, the touch is there, it goes to the edge of lips but it only lingers for a fraction of a second. Even as he remains close. Fingers finding their place against his back, the original touch to cheek still there, somehow he does not want to let go of that connection.]

Yep.

[The answer is quick and half-serious, before Mikoto shifts at all. He smiles all the same. It's not what he expected would happen, but then, he never minds surprises.]

I just do whatever I feel like.

[Not so dramatic now, but with his voice as quiet as it only rarely is, because there's no need for his voice to carry further than inches. This time, it's him who leans in, lips finding Mikoto's. He doesn't linger for long.]

Always have.

[Now it is Mikoto who is caught by surprise, a fleeting touch of lips fully to his don't drown out words but they certainly leave their impression even once they move away.

There is a quirk to his mouth at the last words, it was true, but what he wanted was never harmful to anyone else, save for himself, that much Mikoto would say, even if he was reckless. Some would probably call him that for his last action.

Yet, what it earns him is a gentle pull forward, chin tilts, Mikoto leans in, when his lips touch this time they stay, there is no parting of the pair, instead they just rest there softly, learning the feel of those that are beneath them.]

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