shocksock (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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bakerstreet2020-08-07 01:04 pm
shocksock) wrote in bakerstreet2020-08-07 01:04 pm
Entry tags:
1. So the rumors that Kylo Ren has faked his death are gone. But in their place it seems a number of people are convinced Han Solo is actually alive. On an unrelated note: I need a new wardrobe.
2. I just received a holo message from Poe that is just a looping video of a dumpster on fire. Should I be insulted or worried.
3. They just asked for the droid back, they didn't specify which one.
I'm sure Threepio will enjoy spending time with them.
4. [ No text is attached.It's just a picture of Kylo Ben giving a very straight faced thumbs up in front of a holo of Armitage Hux with a huge Dick vandalizing his visage. ]
5. ( text him! )
1) If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it, can I put it down on my timesheet?
2) I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
3) I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry stuff makes me feel like a pussy.
4) Are you just going to ignore any texts involving my dick from now on? Because that's going to shut down a pretty sizable portion of our conversations.
5) I get drunk and say inappropriate things... You get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. It's what we do.
6) He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle.
1: Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
2: I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken.
3: Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
4: I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
5: OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
6: [bring your own text]
2: I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken.
3: Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
4: I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
5: OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
6: [bring your own text]
Darling...
I'm on my way back from my folks. Need me to bring anything?
I'm on my way back from my folks. Need me to bring anything?
1. I stopped to have a glass of wine in a day care parking lot. The children were playing outside. The adults were mortified.
2. It’s not kidnapping if it’s romantic or familial.
3. I just accidentally walked into a parade for Horde Prime.
4. [text her]
2. It’s not kidnapping if it’s romantic or familial.
3. I just accidentally walked into a parade for Horde Prime.
4. [text her]
This reads like you’re trying to justify something. What’s your problem with kidnapping?
01. You left a trail of sequins from your dress in case we got lost.
02. You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise and you screaming my name.
03. That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
04. text him
no. drunk me likes the floor and you more
but I am surprised it was only twice
but I am surprised it was only twice
1) I made that whipped coffee shit today. Took six pouches of instant espresso.
2) A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
3) Only you would try street racing with a chocobo.
4) Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack.
5) He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerking off" look.
6) Well, you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
1 - I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
2 - Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
3 - So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
2 - Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
3 - So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
001. "God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us."
002. "i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso."
003. "i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity"
004. "It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask."
002. "i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso."
003. "i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity"
004. "It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask."
1. Thank the spirits dogs can't talk. They see WAY too much.
2. It's official: after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. Fix this.
3. I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants.
4. Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic freaking unicorn.
5. text her!
2. It's official: after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. Fix this.
3. I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants.
4. Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic freaking unicorn.
5. text her!
1: You are lucky that I'm away. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
2: I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
3: Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
4: But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
5: If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
6: [bring your own text]
2: I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
3: Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
4: But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
5: If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
6: [bring your own text]
001. "Come on in and take your pants off"
002. "She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed"
003. "not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today"
004. "Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!"
002. "She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed"
003. "not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today"
004. "Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!"
1: Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 30 years of having a body.
2: I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
3: Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
4: I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
5: Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
6: [bring your own text]
2: I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
3: Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
4: I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
5: Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
6: [bring your own text]
1) If I have to put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture, I will.
2) I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with.
3) Well, that wasn't the ex-boyfriend I expected to hook up with today.
4) I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
5) So it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
6) wildcard!
1. I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
2. Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
3. Just saw your date getting head in the mcdonalds parking lot... you want anything?
4. I swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
5. text her!
2. Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
3. Just saw your date getting head in the mcdonalds parking lot... you want anything?
4. I swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
5. text her!
1. He just showed up at my house and asked "have you seen an axe laying around?" He wasnt wearing any shoes.
2. Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
3. you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
4. I let each of them use one of the glittery toddler toothbrushes that came in Morgan's 4 pack. Pepper used her label maker and put their names on them.
5. TEXT HIM
2. Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
3. you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
4. I let each of them use one of the glittery toddler toothbrushes that came in Morgan's 4 pack. Pepper used her label maker and put their names on them.
5. TEXT HIM
If this is Thor we're talking about, that doesn't seem too out of character.
001. i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
002. You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
003. there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
004. You brought string cheese to the strip club
005. Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
002. You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
003. there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
004. You brought string cheese to the strip club
005. Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
1. He's still drunk from last night. He's explaining to the Professor how humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat.
2. I only ever get that feeling in my gut when someone is about to die or when you're being a hoe.
3. He just got really stoned and kept complimenting my ponytail.
4. Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
5. We don't really talk anymore, but I do still see her wearing the sweater she stole from me after we had sex. It's a grim reminder.
2. I only ever get that feeling in my gut when someone is about to die or when you're being a hoe.
3. He just got really stoned and kept complimenting my ponytail.
4. Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
5. We don't really talk anymore, but I do still see her wearing the sweater she stole from me after we had sex. It's a grim reminder.
1) It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
2) I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar.
3) All of your clothes are on the front lawn. Sprinklers go on in 20 minutes.
4) We stopped her at 12.
5) Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flaccid penis.
6) wildcard!
( 01. ) i honestly don't know what i was thinking, going home with someone who drank vodka cranberries all night and asked me if i know what turtles think about when they're in their shells
( 02. ) could you just stop looking so fuckable for FIVE SECONDS
( 03. ) you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their head so they can't lick their wounds while they heal? they should invent something like that for human emotions.
( 04. ) so who did you text "score" to after we hooked up? yes i saw that.
( 05. ) "with a sword" is not how i wanted that proposition to end
( 02. ) could you just stop looking so fuckable for FIVE SECONDS
( 03. ) you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their head so they can't lick their wounds while they heal? they should invent something like that for human emotions.
( 04. ) so who did you text "score" to after we hooked up? yes i saw that.
( 05. ) "with a sword" is not how i wanted that proposition to end
That would defeat my purpose of looking as fuckable as possible right now.
1: The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
2: I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
3: Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
4: I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry.
5: He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
6: [bring your own text]
2: I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
3: Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
4: I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry.
5: He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
6: [bring your own text]
Go easier on yourself, Rey.
I've had much worse days. Don't worry about me too much. I'll be fine.
I've had much worse days. Don't worry about me too much. I'll be fine.
1. Hold on, just because a house is on fire doesn't mean law enforcers have to get called.
2. I love you. Or your coin purse. After a certain point, you've become one.
3. I'm fun uncle: I beat up his bullies, tip his courtesans and say his hair doesn't look like a mop explosion.
4. The last thing I remember is you screaming, 'Let's hunt humans.'
2. I love you. Or your coin purse. After a certain point, you've become one.
3. I'm fun uncle: I beat up his bullies, tip his courtesans and say his hair doesn't look like a mop explosion.
4. The last thing I remember is you screaming, 'Let's hunt humans.'
1. You turned down sex for fried cheese??
2. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
3. You googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
4. So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
5. text him!
2. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
3. You googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
4. So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
5. text him!
i would never worry especially not about that
i know a guy but also i know some bleach it depends on how discreet you need to be1. I know, the whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
2. I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life.
3. It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
4. I need a hug and tequila.
5. TEXT HIM!
2. I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life.
3. It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
4. I need a hug and tequila.
5. TEXT HIM!
I mean... I'm aiming for fun but it's entirely possible that it could be both.
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