bakerstreet | Hotline Meme

[ I can write the DCEU, DC comics, or DC Universe version of Harley, just lmk if you have a preference. Harley is probably the operator either looking to make some spare cash or doing it as a joke for a week or so. But if you’d rather swap roles I’m happy to have her be the caller. She is, after all, the type to call a number she saw written on a bathroom stall door.

I can also write Harleen, who’d probably be working as an operator during med school as a side gig. But, again, can swap roles and have her find this number in Arkham or something like that. Calling out of medical curiosity 😂 ]

[He definitely called this line on purpose.]

( this is definitely a side job, and she is 100% unenthused. )

[This fucking loser is a caller.]

[Leaning more towards him being the operator. Perhaps an AU or a side-hustle? Also totally open to him being the caller with the right person on the other line!]

[Does advisor to the Crown not pay enough, Specs?

But anyway, lucky you. You have the privilege of being the prince's first chatline call (and he totally got this number from Prompto who might have gotten it from an Insomnia High bathroom stall).]

Uh, hello?

[He's really going to have to start with a disclaimer about not distributing his phone number. Especially toward his younger clients. Sigh.

Anyway, a new call's in, so he straightens up in his seat and answers, his voice considerably lower than usual--]

You're on the line, speak to me.

[--and though the number on his screen matches one he'd seen on a burner in passing, and the voice on the other end sounds suspiciously familiar, Ignis is a consummate professional.]

Uh...

[Welp. He didn't really think through what to do if someone actually answered.

Not that he's worried about the bill he's probably racking up but the voice on the other end of the line sounds way too smooth for Noct's awkward stammering.]

I don't really know what to say. This is...my first time, I guess.

[A first timer. Even if the caller hadn't admitted it, it was clearly obvious from the moment this all started. No matter.]

First time, you say? I'll take good care of you, I promise.

[And because Ignis doesn't believe in overdoing it when it comes to reassuring others, he adds in a murmur, his voice breathy and rich--]

You've obviously called for a reason, so say whatever's on your mind. There's no need to be shy. It's just you and me.

Right. Um...

[That sultry tone just isn't fair. He was having enough trouble trying to focus on the conversation in the first place without all the blood rushing south.]

I just...it's hard for me to...talk to people. I don't really get out much.

[Not without an armed escort, anyway.]

So I thought maybe we could practice? Flirting, I mean.

[It's part of his job to indulge his callers. People often called with requests that were out there -- he insulted and demeaned callers on numerous occasions, and there was that one time he'd been asked to described someone using only food terms.

But helping someone practice his flirting? That's new. It's kind of endearing.]

Practice flirting, eh? Are you sure you dialed the right number?

Sorry, is that too much?

[Prompto told him that he could call the line to 'talk to hot singles' or whatever but he was pretty short on the details. Probably because he was a big, fat chocobo chick who never actually called the line and was lying the whole time about it.

Ugh, he is going to strangle Prom the next time he sees him.]

We could just talk.

We could. It's your money, after all.

[So far, it sounds like this'll be less...involved than what Ignis is used to, which he doesn't mind. If anything, it'll give him a chance to relax and, who knows, he might be able to help this shy and awkward boy.

With the familiar timbre.]

So tell me -- you've difficulty speaking with other people. Is it because you don't get out much? Or do you shut yourself in because of your trouble with communication?

Both? I’d rather stay at home and play video games or take a nap than go out and socialize, so that probably doesn’t help.

But even if I wanted to go out and date people it would be so much hassle to actually arrange it that there’s no point. My uh...my dad is a little overprotective so...basically anyone I meet gets the third degree before I even say hi.

[It doesn’t seem fair to blame that on Regis when it’s mostly the Council and Crown security that dictate his schedule and keep him from hauling off to the arcade on a moments notice but he can’t very well explain that to the nice phone sex operator, can he.]

Plus I can’t really be sure if the people who seem interested in me are actually, you know, interested in me and not my uh...family connections.

[At first, Ignis thinks of responding with a teasing remark about how his caller sounds like someone he knows, maybe even suggest he's getting a little closer than he may realize...

...only for him to consider, with alarming suspicion, how familiar this all sounds.

He should hang up, or do the polite thing and refer him to someone else, but he keeps him on the line. Exactly why, he couldn't say. Maybe it's his instinctual need to help him.

If it's really him.]

I see. So you feel this is your only recourse. Not that I'd blame you...

[He clears his throat away from his phone's receiver -- his voice was getting dangerously close to its normal level, instead of the practiced and lurid tone he worked the lines with.]

...but isn't there someone you trust that you can speak to? A close friend, perhaps?

About this kind of thing? No way.

[He laughs about it but the thought of trying to talk about this with anyone he actually knows makes his stomach flip.]

My best friend somehow got tricked into thinking I'm actually cool, I wouldn't want to ruin his image of me. Anyway, he's totally into girls and that's...not really my thing.

[Hence why he specified with the chat line that he wanted to talk to a guy.]

And my other friends are...well they definitely wouldn't approve of me talking to random people on a chatline but it's not like it'd be fine for me to discuss stuff like this with them either. It'd put them in a bad spot.

[Now there's no doubt in Ignis' mind who's called him.

He's going to have to do some serious decompressing and reevaluating after this. Starting with a bottle of wine.]

So it sounds to me your opportunities are very limited. You've come to the right place, then, because I can certainly keep a secret.

[Can you? he implies.]

[Surprisingly enough, Noct still hasn't cottoned on to who the vaguely familiar voice on the phone is but that might be because the thought of his advisor doing phone sex for pay in his off hours would just never cross his mind.

Iggy who makes him eat his vegetables and do his homework, chatting up lonely losers with their hands down their pants? Yeah, there's no way.]

Counting on it. The um...the little spiel when you call this number does say that discretion and anonymity is guaranteed, so...yeah. Just between us.

You've got a really nice voice, by the way. [Nice?? Astrals, he sounds so stupid.] I mean it's...it's very...soothing?

[Good thing you can't see a wince and Noct thumping his head into his pillow over the phone.]

Your secret's safe with me.

[The anonymity disclaimer is there for liability reasons and, well, bringing it up now would put a damper on the mood they've got going, so Ignis doesn't comment on it. Instead, he fights back a grin, just in case even the slightest crack of it can be heard through the receiver.

Oh, Highness. If only you knew.]

Why thank you. I try to make myself sound pleasing to my callers. If soothing isn't enough for you, know that I can always change. Just say the word.

Now then...

[Now comes the difficult part.]

Is there anyone you admire? Someone you're attracted to? Familiar or famous, it doesn't matter. Just someone you can easily imagine on my end of the line.

Someone I admire? Why do you-

[There's a hesitant pause and then a rustle of covers.]

There is someone...that I think about. Probably more than I should.

[And if that person knew the dirty thoughts that ran through Noct's hormonal teenaged brain sometimes involving them they would...well, he's not sure what they would do but it probably wouldn't be pretty.

But it's fine. It's just a fantasy told to a stranger on the phone.

A burner phone that he hopes no one is actually listening in on.]

Do you really want me to imagine them though? Isn't that kind of rude when I'm talking to you?

I don't find it rude it all. It's all about making this more comfortable for you. I find when callers have an image of who they want in mind, it makes for an easier experience.

[A pause, before he adds--]

It's also not necessary.

[With that out of the way, he undoes the top button of his shirt. For comfort's sake.]

Now then, if I were this someone of yours that you think of, and we were alone together somewhere isolated, what would you say or do to capture my attention? Whatever comes to your mind.

Uh...

[To be honest, if he wanted attention from Ignis he usually had it just by virtue of it being his job to pay attention to the prince's actions, his moods, his words. The problem wasn't getting his advisor's attention.

The problem was that it wasn't a particularly flirtatious kind of attention.]

Usually I get his attention by complaining? Not about him! Just...he likes fixing things for me, so. I give him something to fix.

[And after ignoring the tightening in his lower belly...]

...and would you complain to get his attention if you were trying to be flirty?

Kind of? I'd say something like, "It's a little cold in here" and make room on the sofa for him and he'd just go get me a blanket and make hot chocolate.

And then sit in the chair. It's a problem.

[Oh.

Well, he's learning so much about his young charge in this conversation, isn't he? And while Gladio often teased Ignis, in private, about a certain crush, Ignis always downplayed it. It's just an attachment, he'd reason, his Highness will outgrow it.

(Though he was always under the impression that Noctis at least appreciated the cocoa and blanket...)

But now...]

I see.

If it's a problem, he might not know your true intentions unless you speak up. Why don't you tell me what you really mean when you tell him you're cold?

I mean, "come sit with me. Put your arms around me until it gets a little too warm and we have to take some clothes off. Cuddle with me on the sofa and let me put my head in your lap like I used to when I was little only I'm not little anymore and I wish I could show you."

That's what I mean to say.

[There's a long, dramatic sigh.]

But I'm never gonna tell him that.

No, you won't.

[Before Noctis can interject, Ignis continues on, less blunt and more inviting in his approach and tone--]

Because that's too much to offer up to someone that may not know how you truly feel about them. Start nice and low.

Nice and low. Then work your way up. Understand?

Nice and low.

[Noct repeats, sounding doubtful. He was starting nice and low, that was the whole problem wasn't it?]

How? What should I say, then?

Let's take your scenario. Be less passive -- instead of commenting on the weather or environment...

[The chair he's in squeaks as he, yet again, shifts around and sits up straighter.]

...simply say, "warm me up." If you want to be more polite or less direct, "can you warm me up?" can work, but know that when you present someone with that sort of question, you're opening yourself up to the possibility of their refusal.

Now, if this person of yours proceeds to fetch you a blanket or cocoa, correct him. How will he know he's doing it wrong if you don't tell him?

Edited (ahh i wasn't done) 2020-05-25 22:53 (UTC)

Yeah but....

[Being passive is his 'out'. He needs an out, especially when there's so much at stake.]

Say he doesn't feel the same and get offended. Or even worse, what if he doesn't feel the same but goes along with it anyway just to avoid turning me down? I don't want to pressure him into anything or feel obligated just because I'm...because of who I am.

[There's a pause and then Noct groans dejectedly.] And now I'm just turning this into an advice column, sorry. This isn't your job.

[Operator, for sure.]

*Operator. or awkward caller.*

( resigned operator or awkward caller. m/m for anything flirty or sexual; ota for gen and humor. )

( operator or caller who probably knew exactly who he was going to get and has only called to tease. m/m for anything serious; ota otherwise. )

[ He's an incorrigible gnome bard who is probably going to be trolling jsyk. Can go either way. ]

Edited 2020-05-22 08:57 (UTC)

Hotline Meme

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