You've been pissy with me since I told you I wanted to come home. You're not talking to me, you're stomping around like a fucking bull in a china shop. I know it's because that girl was flirting with you and you wanted to stay. You know what? You don't have to be here! Go back to the bar if you want. Go have fun. I'll be fine.
[They've had a few drinks - okay, more than a few. Maybe emotions are a little too heightened. At first, Jyn is angry. But when the second text arrives from the other room - it stops her heart.
This is her best friend in the world and he thinks - he's just said ... ]
I don't give a fuck what you do. Maybe she'll give you a place to stay because you're not staying here anymore. Pack your shit and take it with you otherwise it's going in the rubbish.
[Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Those things he just texted her are the very last things he would ever text her in any other circumstance where he's sober, but Ben's definitely had a few too many - he feels drunk and sick and maybe a little sad too because the girl at the bar who'd been flirting with him hadn't been Jyn and maybe he flirted back to make Jyn just a little jealous.
No - this has turned out so much worse.
This is why Ben doesn't drink anymore - he only smokes when no one's around to curb his stress.]
wait no jyn im sorry i didn’t mean any of that i promise.
[Ben tosses his phone aside and goes to lean against her door, his face pressed against the surface.]
Jyn, I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean any of that.
[Jyn doesn't reply. What more needs to be said? Ben thinks that it's her fault that she and Cassian role up, and maybe it is but it still crushes her heart to read the words over and over and over again, unable to throw her phone down or turn it off or do anything other at all than collapse into a heap on her bed and try not to cry.
She has no real right to feel upset about some random flirting with Ben at the bar, but here she is, miserable and sick at the realization that she was so hurt because he's never looked at her like that, and never touched her the way he was playing with that girl's hair and most likely never would because their relationship just isn't like that.
Never would be like that. And how is she even supposed to tell him that she wants it to be like that? He'd think her pathetic and lonely, he'd assume that she's just looking for a quick rebound, that there are no real feelings involved, and if he thinks that, he's so so mistaken.
He's at her door, then, and he sounds as miserable as Jyn feels. But she doesn't say anything for a long moment, doesn't even make the effort to get up and open the door so they can speak face-to-face.
Why?]
Yes, you did, Ben. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't believe it, even just a little.
[She's sniffling. Maybe she's crying, maybe she's successful in holding the tears back. She isn't going to say either way. Let him think what he wants - it doesn't matter anymore.]
[Ben had liked the attention from the girl at the bar. It was fun and mostly innocent. He wasn’t going to go home with her.
He just wished it had been Jyn he’d been flirting with.
But she’d never shown any interest - she’d always date other guys but never him. Ben doubts she’ll ever change her mind about their friendship at this point.
He can tell she’s been crying or still is. Fuck - he feels shitty. He’s a shitty friend and a shitty human being.]
I wish it was you.
[He’s drunk, but still cognizant enough to know more or less what he’s saying. It’s definitely the alcohol speaking now, though.]
[Who wouldn't? Everybody liked feeling appreciated, attractive ... desirable. Jyn couldn't begrudge Ben that. But it had cut her to the core to see some other girl flirting with him, to see him responding to it favorably, living out all the ways that Jyn's imagined him to ...
With someone else.
She wishes that it had been her. She wishes that she could have sucked it up and found the courage to tell Ben how she felt years ago rather than dating other people and pretending that they could fill the missing piece in her heart.
But they didn't. They could never hope to fill the space he occupied in her life, none of them would ever take his place.
Maybe Cassian had known that all along, too. Maybe it was at the crux of their issues.
Everything goes silent as Ben replies that he wishes it was her. And Jyn thinks that she understands what he means, but she's confused, because why would he say that?
And is it honest? Or is it because he's had a few drinks and he's not thinking straight and he's just saying whatever comes to mind in a clumsy attempt to apologize?
She's mostly silent as she sits for a moment longer, her heart in her throat.
I wish it was you.
Shakily (as a result of the alcohol, not her emotions, she finally stands adn quietly makes her way to the door. But she doesn't open it, isn't ready to see Ben just quite yet.
She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against the door and doesn't even have to raise her voice in order for Ben to hear her when she asks - ]
[The next time she speaks, he can tell she’s right on the other side of the door.
She’s so close and yet his behavior has caused an entire chasm between them. He’s such an idiot - albeit, a drunk idiot, but still an idiot.
I wish it was you - I wish it was you instead of that other girl - it’s what he wants to say (because his stupid mouth has opened this can of worms), but the fear is very much real right in that moment when she asks him to clarify.
Does he say it? Does he explain it all? And what if she rejects him? What if she doesn’t want to speak to him ever again after this?
But most things are really determined by luck not risk assessment.]
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bakerstreet2020-05-15 03:28 pm
jyn erso || rogue one || ota
2: Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
3: You. Me. Closest empty room. We have 20 minutes.
4: the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
5: I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. I thought you were going to shiver out of your skin.
6: [bring your own text]
4
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This is her best friend in the world and he thinks - he's just said ... ]
I don't give a fuck what you do. Maybe she'll give you a place to stay because you're not staying here anymore. Pack your shit and take it with you otherwise it's going in the rubbish.
I don't want you here anymore.
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No - this has turned out so much worse.
This is why Ben doesn't drink anymore - he only smokes when no one's around to curb his stress.]
wait no jyn im sorry i didn’t mean any of that i promise.
[Ben tosses his phone aside and goes to lean against her door, his face pressed against the surface.]
Jyn, I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean any of that.
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She has no real right to feel upset about some random flirting with Ben at the bar, but here she is, miserable and sick at the realization that she was so hurt because he's never looked at her like that, and never touched her the way he was playing with that girl's hair and most likely never would because their relationship just isn't like that.
Never would be like that. And how is she even supposed to tell him that she wants it to be like that? He'd think her pathetic and lonely, he'd assume that she's just looking for a quick rebound, that there are no real feelings involved, and if he thinks that, he's so so mistaken.
He's at her door, then, and he sounds as miserable as Jyn feels. But she doesn't say anything for a long moment, doesn't even make the effort to get up and open the door so they can speak face-to-face.
Why?]
Yes, you did, Ben. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't believe it, even just a little.
[She's sniffling. Maybe she's crying, maybe she's successful in holding the tears back. She isn't going to say either way. Let him think what he wants - it doesn't matter anymore.]
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He just wished it had been Jyn he’d been flirting with.
But she’d never shown any interest - she’d always date other guys but never him. Ben doubts she’ll ever change her mind about their friendship at this point.
He can tell she’s been crying or still is. Fuck - he feels shitty. He’s a shitty friend and a shitty human being.]
I wish it was you.
[He’s drunk, but still cognizant enough to know more or less what he’s saying. It’s definitely the alcohol speaking now, though.]
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With someone else.
She wishes that it had been her. She wishes that she could have sucked it up and found the courage to tell Ben how she felt years ago rather than dating other people and pretending that they could fill the missing piece in her heart.
But they didn't. They could never hope to fill the space he occupied in her life, none of them would ever take his place.
Maybe Cassian had known that all along, too. Maybe it was at the crux of their issues.
Everything goes silent as Ben replies that he wishes it was her. And Jyn thinks that she understands what he means, but she's confused, because why would he say that?
And is it honest? Or is it because he's had a few drinks and he's not thinking straight and he's just saying whatever comes to mind in a clumsy attempt to apologize?
She's mostly silent as she sits for a moment longer, her heart in her throat.
I wish it was you.
Shakily (as a result of the alcohol, not her emotions, she finally stands adn quietly makes her way to the door. But she doesn't open it, isn't ready to see Ben just quite yet.
She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against the door and doesn't even have to raise her voice in order for Ben to hear her when she asks - ]
You wish what was me?
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She’s so close and yet his behavior has caused an entire chasm between them. He’s such an idiot - albeit, a drunk idiot, but still an idiot.
I wish it was you - I wish it was you instead of that other girl - it’s what he wants to say (because his stupid mouth has opened this can of worms), but the fear is very much real right in that moment when she asks him to clarify.
Does he say it? Does he explain it all? And what if she rejects him? What if she doesn’t want to speak to him ever again after this?
But most things are really determined by luck not risk assessment.]
...I wish it was you instead of that girl.
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