only one star because it won't let me put zero!!

[blacklisle]

Rules:

1. Post your character.
2. Other characters review your character in the style of Amazon.com reviews.
3. Profit! (With a low monthly fee of $39.99!)
4. Bonus: Describe your character's 'product features'.

OPTIONAL:
Posting template (to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars and X.X out of)

<a href="PROFILE LINK HERE"><span style="color: #339; font-size: medium;">CHARACTER NAME</span></a> <h1>PRODUCT OFFERED</h1> <img alt="X.X out of 5 stars" src="https://www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /> X.X out of 5 stars <hr /> <span style="color: #999;">List Price:</span> <strike>PRICE</strike> <br/><span style="color: #999;">Price:</span> <span style="color: #c00; font-size: medium; font-weight: bold;">SALE PRICE</span> <br/><span style="color: #999;">You Save:</span> <span style="color: #c03;">Up to <strong>AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT</strong> (100%)</span> <p><span style="color:#c60; font-weight:bold; font-size:1.5em;">Product Features</span> <ul> <li>FEATURE 1</li> <li>FEATURE 2</li> <li>FEATURE 3</li> <li>ETC</li> </ul>

OPTIONAL:
Review template (to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars.)

<img alt="X.X out of 5 stars" src="https://www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /> <b>REVIEW TITLE</b>, REVIEW DATE <br />By <b><a href="PROFILE LINK">CHARACTER NAME</a></b> <p>REVIEW INFO HERE

Comments

fem!Byleth| Fire Emblem:Three Houses| OTA

[extra_layer_of_protection]

Izuku "Deku" Midoriya| My Hero Academia| OTA

[secondarynature]

Shoshosu Shosu| Final Fantasy 14 Adventurer| OTA

[potato_powerhouse]

[grandtheftmecha]

Premium Lalafell Pu$$y, 2/14/2020

By Katina Tarask

The most adorable companion a girl could ask for. Super affectionate, fun loving, and cute - and performs incredibly well in bed, even when dealing with exceptional sizes! Would recommend sharing with all your friends.

hana (d.va) / ow.

[meched]

[almightythirst]

one crackerjack pilot, 03/03/2075

By deadeye

Nice kid. Doesn't let fame get to her head. The only downside to having Hana on your team is that she might take out all the bad guys before you even have a chance to get your gun out. Didn't take a star off for that though. Real reason is that she might find your secret stash of snacks in the middle of the night and wipe the whole thing out if you aren't careful.

esther moreau / original / ota

[57times]

Esther Moreau

Multipurpose Secret Agent

List Price: £25,000

Price: £18,750

You Save: Up to £6,250 (25%)

Product Features

• New and improved moral code!! Now up to 70% greyer, allowing for quicker, more efficient killing and/or maiming of a target of your choosing! (Up to x5 weapons included)


• Experience in dog training


• Good with children; makes an excellent babysitter


• Has a talent for cooking a variety of nutritious meals


• Highly trained in close combat martial arts; ideal for those in need of a bodyguard.


• Skilled violinist and singer; can provide musical entertainment - violin included.


• Able to run efficiently for hours, even on very little charge

[gadaboutdetective]

Great with dogs!, 4.3.2020

By Llewellyn Watts

My basset hound now has excellent manners, and she has helped refine his tracking abilities quite a bit. We’ve made ample progress, and before long I expect that he’ll be quite helpful during casework. I believe he quite likes the extra company, especially on days when I’m kept at work to all hours. She’s very responsible and I can trust her to take him for extra walks while I’m out.

Also, the bonus of eating less takeout since her arrival has been a pleasant surprise. Although I would like to caution everyone that she will insist on cleaning out the refrigerator, despite there not really being any need for it.

I would have given Esther a full star rating, but I have begun to suspect she is utilizing her training methods with me (my boyfriend finds this amusing and absurd, he might be in on it). Her distraction technique is formidable. I have yet to prove it to be true or false, but I will update the review once I have.

Finally, while I appreciate her ability to intimidate others, I’ve had to learn to keep her away from certain people. I know the look of a person contemplating murder, and I do not need to make use of that talent.

Insector Haga / YuGiOh

[spoiledbugboy]

Insector Haga

High Trash Insect Boy

2 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $99.99

Price: $39.99

You Save: Up to $60.00 (60%)

Product Features

• Bratty and full of himself


• Will criticize everything you do


• Surprisingly nice when actually befriended


• Endless insect knowledge


• Will help you with murder

Mermista 🌊 She-Ra &c. 🌊 OTA

[mermustyou]

Mermista

SEA-RA

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: Priceless
Price: Admit sharks are better than you
You Save: Up to Hours of argument (100%)

Product Features

• Eco-friendly
• Encyclopedic knowledge of mystery tropes
• Super cool
• Low bullshit tolerance

how did you do the emojis???

[nepharious]

came with a bunch of unwanted accessories, 2/13/2020

By Nephele Nolastname

seagulls physically manifested in my house after purchase showed up

two stars cuz they ate the stale leftovers sitting in my sink so that was good i guess

Cassian Andor | Rogue One | OTA

[seenitbefore]

Cassian Andor

All-Purpose Rebel Operative

3.7 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $41.99
Price: $25.99
You Save: Up to $15 (38%)

Product Features

• Extremely convincing, versatile puppy eyes
• Tragic yet lightweight backstory folds down small for easy travel
• Compatible with a wide range of anti-Imperial agendas
• For experienced users only

[callsign_rogueone]

Extremely effective, really validates faith in the brand, 0 BBY

By Bodhi Rook

I probably should have taken the 'experienced users only' label to heart, and gone with a more beginner-friendly introduction to anti-fascism. My options were a little limited at the time, though. I found the programming behind this operative is much more complicated than it probably needs to be, making for a steep learning curve, but I can't fault the results at all. It's really versatile, but also functions extremely well when given strict parameters. You don't usually find both traits in a single operative.

The only thing keeping this review from the full five stars is the collapsible backstory. It's jammed in there so tight, you can't pry it out without breaking the product. Has anyone else experienced this issue?

James "batteries not included" Barnes / MCU / ota, gen preferred

[dyatlov]

James Buchanan Barnes

WINTER SOLDIER (2014 MODEL)

4.1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $17
Price: $9
You Save: Up to $8 (48%)

Product Features

• 99% reliable killing machine
• Vintage design with chrome accents
• Frost-resistant, rechargeable

[balanceact]

bought in on sale, 2020-03-03

By Scott A. Campbell

Has less ass than the Captain America edition. Came with more baggage than expected, but reliable.

emet-selch (final fantasy xiv)

[wholeness]

Emet-Selch

Paragon

★★☆☆☆ 2.1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 999,999,999g

Price: 600,000g

You Save: Up to 999,399,999g (99.93%)

Product Features

• Honest. Earnest. He means what he says and he says what he means.
• An unflappable man possessed of a regal air...or perhaps simply a condescending one.
• He's the whole package. Literally. Metaphysically.

[greatestgrandma]

Scott Lang

Ant-Man and All Around Sunshine Boy

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $50.00

Price: $10.99

You Save: Up to $39

Product Features

• Instant mood boost.


• Clean out those stubborn spaces you can't reach.


• He's easy on the eyes, too.


• Witness breathtaking magic tricks.

[pursuitofcappiness]

Received in damaged condition but still good, 2015-05-06

By Steve Rogers

Very reliable. Would purchase again. Do not recommend the magic trick features.

Jasper | Dragon Quest 11

[leitstern]

[smilingarmour]

Damaged Beyond Repair, Disappointing, 05/03/2020

By The Great Sylvando

- A very close and dear friend of mine swears the earlier model is the way to go. I'd agree with him after experiencing the current version darlings! After a certain point the whole series goes downhill.
- Deceptive price, definitely doesn't mention the many-legged friend that will come as a surprise when shipped! I love a good twist, but a Tentacular? Honestly!
- No longer supports or operates well with Hendriks, who are a great deal stronger than any Jasper you can find. Don't let that flashy, gaudy exterior on some models trick you, it's all for show!
- Bans interactivity with friends at random, had to come up with many different workarounds for this poor design choice. Nothing we couldn't fix ourselves in the end, but still.
- Do not try to connect to Yggdrasil. Yggy will suffer a fatal error and shut down in a flash!

+ Astonishingly good at backstabbing.
+ Have a Mordegon? Here's the perfect little betrayal-packed accessory.
+ Customer service and return policy make picking up a new, more open and interactive model easy. I've been having great success with the Luminary, I've found nothing better!

Jonathan Crane | DC

[restingstitchface]

Rose | Tales of Zestiria

[shivmeabreak]

Rose

Quick Change Merchant/Assassin

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 50,000 Gald

Price: 45,000 Gald

You Save: Up to 5,000 Gald (10%)

Product Features

• Owner of two successful guilds with all the associated perks. Includes premium membership to the Sparrowfeathers Fan Club, offering monthly discounts on goods.


• High spiritual capacity; can communicate with spirits and combine with them to take on powerful new forms! (Each spirit sold separately.)


• A lean, not so mean killing machine.


• Compact, adorable size. Great for travel.


• Fun-loving with a quirky sense of humor. Great for elevating the mood of a group.


• Culinary incompetence makes you feel like the next food star!


• Moral compass helps keep you on the straight and narrow. Comes with excellent kill program if you stray too far!


• Corruption resistant.

[blazearang]

Good Value, Touchy Kill Program, 2/29

By Aika Thompson

Mostly functions as advertised. Still a better cook than I am. Very deadly, but kill program is a bit touchy if you're willing to skirt around your ethics on occasions. Almost cut my throat - so have a good explanation on hand!

Linhardt von Hevring | FE:3H | ota

[sleepyscholar]

Linhardt von Hevring

Scholar and Personal Nap Buddy

---

List Price: $30.00

Price: $25.00

You Save: Up to $5.00 (100%)

Product Features

• Can spend many hours researching at a time but requires frequent breaks


• Has magical healing abilities


• Will nap anywhere at anytime with you


• Good manners not included

[potato_powerhouse]

One size does not fit all!, 2/23/2020

While product is aesthetically pleasing, it's much to big for one Lalafell to carry safely without fear of accidental damage. On the bright side, both healing and snuggling capabilities are top notch, but...Shoshosu think he's probably got a type, and it's not Lalafell or other small ladies. Over all though, excellent heals and back up DPS!

Princess Azula / Avatar: The Last Airbender / OTA

[makeadragonwannaretire]

Ben Solo | Star Wars AU | OTA

[flyboytwopointoh]

Orisa ~ Overwatch ~ OTA

[crossingguardpony]

Orisa

Custom modified OR15

List Price: 1 Genius Grant from the Adawe Foundation
Price: Make me an offer
You Save: The lives of anyone in her immediate area.
____________________________________________________________________

Product Features:

Over 50 colors and models to choose from.

Some battle damage.

Comes with all accessories including:
Fusion Driver
Protective Barrier
Supercharger

Some assembly required
Some battle damage
You pay for shipping.

[almightythirst]

you'll want this one on your team, 03/03/2075

By deadeye

This one's built like a tank: literally. I mean, she's basically a tank. Not many out there who could put up a better defense when the going gets tough in the middle of a fight. Sweet as can be when you're not on the opposing side though. A bit of a stickler for rules but that's not worth a star, so long as she doesn't get any funny ideas about a man's bounty.

Add | Elsword | OTA

[subtract]

Add

Mad Paradox

2 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $23.99

Price: please god just get rid of him

You Save: Up to $23.99 (100%)

Product Features

• Generates user friendly portals for instant travel


• Undo all your daily mistakes with the easy-to-use Seal of Time functionality


• Destroy the fabric of reality to unmake your enemies or torture them across all time and space, forever


• Comes in two interchangeable sizes!


• Nonrefundable, any damage caused by this product is the sole responsibility of the buyer


• Do NOT leave unsupervised

[fonewearl]

 
 
 
 
 

DO NOT LET NEAR YOUR PC, error_invalid_date

By error_invalid_id

DO N🅾T

skekGra the Heretic | The Dark Crystal

[skeksisheretic]

[vliste_staba]

surprisingly nice!, 2020-03-03

By D33t the Gr0tt4n

Like puppetry? You will love this product! Musical taste somewhat questionable but enjoyable if you have an open mind. Ideal sassy gay uncle. Highly recommend purchasing the matching Mystic, as well, as they work better as a set.

Masaki Andoh, Super Robot Wars series, OTA

[discutting]

安藤 正樹 MASAKI ANDOH

RANDAHL XAN ZENOSAKIS EDITION

4.0 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $10000

Price: $2500

You Save: Up to $7500 (75%)

Product Features

• Your typical shounen hero


• Capable of piloting the Elemental Lord of Wind CYBUSTER


• Friendly, good with children


• Speaks Japanese, English and the language of La Gias


• Skills in martial arts and dance


• Come with black and white cats


• Prone for the following: temperamental/mercurial emotions, distance over past history, vulgarity, hot bloodedness


• Randahl Xan Zenosakis Model compatible with "白河 愁 SHU SHIRAWAKA- Christophe Meta Nexarist Model" beyond the usual compatibility- see other "安藤 正樹 MASAKI ANDOH" models for details.


• WARNING: All models suffer from severe lack of direction.

benedict dearborn — original (academic, demonologist) — ota

[fumitory]

Ben Dearborn

DEMONOLOGIST (not exorcist*)

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ 4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: PRICE

Price: (just don't tell the diocese that I was here)

You Save: Up to your entire soul (100%)

Product Features

• *Okay, fine; exorcist of demons severe or lesser (possessions of people, homes, etc)


• NOT a priest; can give you guidance on or banish many demons from the world over (no confessions)


• Record of banishing dozens of demons over the span of over a decade


• Too much of a do-gooder to do this for money


• Speaks three languages and comprehends a handful of really dreadful ancient ones


• Wingman is his guardian angel


• Can make pasta from scratch


• Fidgety

aziraphale | good omens

[lunchbreaks]

Aziraphale

Bookseller, translation services

4.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: £6,810.56

Price: £17,515.42

You Save: Up to -£10,704.86 (-257%)

Product Features

• Opens at inconsistent and confusing times.


• May be distracted from duties by impending Armageddon.


• Beautiful handwriting.


• Knows many languages, both modern and ancient.


• Nice and accurate work with other available skills such as repair and stage magic.


• Very comfortable to lie on.


• Also takes lunch dates, Châteauneuf-du-Pape and rescue from guillotine as payment.

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. XD

[1926]

Touch my pigeon and we'll find out if I'm venomous, 2020-03-03

By Anthony J. Crowley

As far as angels go, this one is quite pleasant to be around. As a bookseller, I would have to rate his services a -Five Stars. You're supposed to sell the books, Angel. Not hoard them. He is rather quite high maintenance, so patience is key. It does help to be undeniably infatuated with him. He requires more protection than should be necessary for someone capable of miracles. He could also be considered an "expensive date" if you actually paid for your meals. His taste in fine wine and company is quite superb. He is excellent for cuddles whether you're human-shaped or something more serpentine. His worst deficiency is that he is utterly oblivious.

Ten out of ten. Would recommend. Except not, because he's mine. Find your own 6000 year old life partner.

steve rogers | mcu

[pursuitofcappiness]

Steve Rogers

🦅🦅🦅

5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $FREEDOM

Price: $FREE

You Save: Up to it's high, it's always been. (And it's a price he's willing to pay. And if he's the only one, so be it.)

Product Features

• Runs very fast.


• Is on your left.


• Absolutely, 100% the best person to bring home to your parents.


• Could bench a helicopter.


• Owns a motorcycle.


• Comes with a complimentary shield!


• Vintage, pristine condition.

[freightcars]

serious buyers only, May 6, 2016

By James Barnes

I'm gonna be honest, it's a hell of an investment. First few years it kept causing problems with the neighbors and getting broken in back alleys. Eventually it started bringing home stray birds, cats, and ants. You're basically signing up for a zoo here.

Still worth it.

erik lehnsherr | xmcu | ota

[incogneto]

Erik Lehnsherr

Terrorist Mutant

2 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $1,000,000

Price: $489,000

You Save: Up to $510,000 (51%)

Product Features

• Literally tried to kill all the humans.


• Like several times.


• Never bothers to check if his ex paramours have children before said children are adults.


• Discounted cause he's gonna get rebooted into a brand new timeline in a popular cinematic universe soon!! Major savings!


• Looks great for his age though.

[hext]

THIS MAY BE A POLARIZING OPINION, BUT..., 04/02/18

By Wanda Maximoff

...he is the okayest dad. He impregnated my mother, left, and never reached out to my brother or to me, but we learned to fend for ourselves amidst harrowing copyright cross-production company issues. We may or may not have received our powers from him, according to whom you speak. But he does menace every possible significant other I get serious with like a father is programmed to do (less with shotguns, more with magnet-smashing), so I guess???

He is ok????

P.S. Dad, stop calling Steve Rogers a starving artist just because he draws while retired.