tfln.

[hanswolo]

you know what to do.

Comments

Essa Erso-Andor | Rogue One OC | OTA

[theresalways_hope]

1: No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.

2: I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering

3: Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.

4: Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.

5: [send a text!]

1

[seenitbefore]

In my experience, there's really not. But okay, I won't push.

[theresalways_hope]

Don't do that.

[seenitbefore]

Don't do which?

[theresalways_hope]

I know what you're doing with your soft interrogation techniques.

[Which … doesn't necessarily mean that she won't fall for it. Y'know, like every time.]

[seenitbefore]

Good, you were paying attention.

So, this story you're not telling me.

[theresalways_hope]

I always pay attention.

[Face, meet palm.]

The one that isn't a big deal. Yes. I'm aware of it.

phone tags are a real bitch

[seenitbefore]

And now so am I. It's such a little tiny deal that you can't let your old Papa hear a word of it.

[ now he's just ribbing her, of course - the heavy-handed paternal act is a longstanding tease, Cassian being in fact the most unassuming of parents. Which means it's also a signal: see, I'm being funny, I'm being transparent, we both know it's a lie, a joke. I'm not pushing. ]

i knooooow. godspeed to you.

[theresalways_hope]

[Essa's parents aren't without their particular quirks, but having grown up with them, she's not entirely unaware of what the light tone might be masking. Her old Papa isn't fooling anyone.

At the same time, she also knows that there's no way she can keep things from them for very long. Besides, she's already broached the subject with Mama, and that ...

Hadn't ...

Gone very well at all.]

What would you say if I mentioned that I might be ...

Interested in

Thinking about

...

Enlisting?

[seenitbefore]

[ A pause that's just a hair too long. ]

Your observational skills still need work.

[theresalways_hope]

[Yeah. Not great.]

It's not wrong to want to make a difference.

[seenitbefore]

No, it's not.

[theresalways_hope]

But you're upset.

[seenitbefore]

I'm not upset.

I spent thirty years killing myself by inches in order to make a difference. Instead I lived and there's hardly any difference at all, and now my child is ready to start killing herself too.

Upset doesn't really cover it.

[theresalways_hope]

I don't have a death wish, Papa. But what does it say about me if I know that something bad is building and I ignore it? How can I live with myself if I keep my head down and hope that someone else takes care of it?

[seenitbefore]

The question you need to ask is whether you'll be able to live with yourself if you don't.

[theresalways_hope]

And the answer to that is that I don't know. Mama's not talking to me right now, so you can see how well broaching the subject went with her.

What would you do if you were me?

Would you do what you did all over again?

[seenitbefore]

I might as well.

It's all I was ever good for

Everything I

[ ... ]

Is that what you want from me?

tfln is not supposed to bring the feels but here we are

[theresalways_hope]

No.

I want you to be my Dad, like you've always been.

I'm old enough for you to tell me the truth, even when it hurts.

And I want you to understand that the world is full of terrible things that I can't be hidden away from forever.

What do you want from me?

oops?

[seenitbefore]

I want you to hear what I'm saying to you.

I did what I did because there was nothing else for me. Because it didn't matter what happened to me. I had nothing to give but myself and I gave that to the Rebellion so it wouldn't be wasted.

War isn't noble, Essa. It's ugly, and cruel, and the people it doesn't kill, it eats them alive. It took everything from me and everything from your mother, and you're saying that now we have to let it have you, too. That hurts.

no i love it thank u

[theresalways_hope]

[That makes Essa's stomach twist uncomfortably. How had she never thought to consider this from her parents' perspective? She feels shame and guilt and embarrassment ... ]

I'm sorry.

I ... should have considered all the points of view before I considered speaking to you both about it. And if I had done that, I never would have done so at all. I don't want to run the risk of losing my life ...

Or being one more thing that you and Mama lose. I won't hurt you like that, Papa. I couldn't. I'm sorry. I hope you both can forgive me.

[seenitbefore]

[ Cassian doesn't answer for a few minutes. First because it's taking all his concentration to breathe through his grief; then, after he's seen her reply, because he's weighing his words even more carefully than usual.

It's a very dutiful message, from his daughter, and in this moment it's almost certainly sincere. But. ]

Estrella, it's not a question of forgiveness. If you have to do this, you'll do it. Doesn't matter who it hurts.

But I ask you not to, unless you have to. You have more to give than just your life.

And if it comes to that, not to hide it from us. I know I have no right to ask that, but I do.

[theresalways_hope]

[That few minutes feels like it lasts hours, even days - and as the seconds tick by, Essa's regret grows by the second. How selfish and stupid of her to ask understanding of her parents for something reminiscent of what they'd almost lost their lives for.

When Papa's next message arrives, she thinks she can almost hear the sadness in each word, as if they were talking face-to-face. Maybe it's best that they're not - she doesn't think she can bear being the cause of that pain.]

It matters to me.

I won't do anything rash. And if the time comes that I feel I've got no other choice, I'll tell you. I can promise you that. I don't want you and Mama to sit and worry about whether or not I'm coming home.

I should probably apologize to her, huh?

[seenitbefore]

Thank you.

[ The two words aren't enough to hold what he's feeling. It's not relief; there's no way he can be relieved, under the circumstances. Nor is it exactly comfort. He's only, overwhelmingly, grateful to her. ]

You didn't do anything wrong. She's angry with herself because she can't because she's scared, that's all.

[theresalways_hope]

[Now, Essa almost wishes that this conversation was being held in person, if only because she really needs a hug, the reassurance that although she's clearly brought traumatic memories right back to the surface, it's not such a vast mistake that she can't be forgiven for it.]

Because of me. I should make it right, I don't want her to be scared. I don't want either of you to be scared.