THE ADVICE COLUMN MEME

[monkeytailed]

THE ADVICE COLUMN MEME
For all of your fictional dilemma advice needs.

It's an advice column meme! Write letters and have the helpful Aunt Lu write back with fantastic advice which will offer insight and guide you on your way.

• Post with a letter. You know, something like...
  
  

  Dear Auntie Lu,
  
  I recently moved to a new city and whoever's running this place really doesn't like giving out pants. It's skintight catsuits or nothing. What's the etiquette behind asking the omnipresent overlords if they could spare some more normal clothing?
  
  Pantsless And Not Thrilled

  
  
  (Despite using accounts assume that everyone's anonymous unless they specify otherwise. Alright? Alright.)



• Respond to other people's letters! (If you need IC justification, you just got hired on as one among many faceless minions of Auntie Lu churning out responses to increasingly inane letters.)
  
  

  Dear PANT,
  
  You should be firm, but polite, in telling them that you would appreciate pants. However, you should be sensitive to cultural differences. Perhaps catsuits are the normal and appropriate for your new city? When in Rome...
  
  Auntie Lu

  
  
  (The above about 'assume we're all anon unless we don't wanna be' qualifies here too.)



• If you want to do other things like have George realize that Jack wrote the letter about catsuits and he brings it up later when they go out for Thai...go for it.



• And have fun!

Comments

[lowkeyinaminor]

Dear Auntie Lu,

How do you tell someone that they're supposed to be dead?

Silver Tongue Turned To Lead

[meatysoviet]

Dear dumb tongue,

Tell them they are dead or, better still, make them dead. Honestly, this was waste of paper.

Best regards,

Glorious Union.

Kiryuu Kaoru | Futari wa Precure Splash*Star

[breatheinthefog]

"Aunt Lu".

People are confusing. I'm starting to feel strange things. ...Happy, even, sometimes. But I shouldn't be, because I'm trapped somewhere I'm not supposed to be, and also because I have something important to do back where I was. Like destroying the world.

Sincerely,
This is Pointless.

Re: Kiryuu Kaoru | Futari wa Precure Splash*Star

[meatysoviet]

Dear Pointless,

Gaiety is good, but is more important to remember priorities. You are good to do this, hooray for you.

Perhaps you can make the best of both worlds literally and let new found happiness fuel you into using the place you are in as a trial run for world destroying. This way you may get sent back to do actual job, or at least your confusing feelings would stop.

Best regards,

Glorious Union.

Takamachi Nanoha|Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha

[ihu2carl]

Dear Auntie Lu-san,

I've got some friends who are involved in something really dangerous and important, and somehow, I found myself involved too, because I didn't want innocent people to get hurt. In the end, though, we're going to have to fight... What should I do?

Sincerely,
Worried

Re: Takamachi Nanoha|Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha

[the_new_sexy]

Worried:

Stop complaining and practice fighting.

SH

Midorikawa Retasu|Tokyo Mew Mew

[aquaticrush]

Um, Aunt Lu-san,

I'm afraid for someone I... really care about, who's been hurt so badly by this place that he's been acting strangely and he's afraid of having love anymore. I know I haven't got a chance, but there's somebody everyone wants him to be with and I really think it would be good for the both of them because he seems nice enough, but he -- ah, I mean the person who's hurt and afraid -- how do I help him out?

I'm starting to think that maybe I should go after the source... I'm scared, though.

Sincerely,

Worried

awkward what awkward. totally not awkward.

[croibhristeoir]

Dear Worried;

I think the best course of action would be to approach the individual that has been hurt. Express your concern clearly, but not in a way that pushes him to make any particular choice. Gently call his attention to the one that you think would be good for him, and let events take their course as they will.

The important thing is not to make him feel as if you are forcing him into a decision. I advise caution and tact, especially in a matter as delicate as romantic issues.

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

My family and friends think I am dead.
I don't want to go with "The Man on the Cart"
Suggestions?

Not Yet Dead

[ihu2carl]

Um... why don't they believe you that you're not?

[annoys]

Dearest Auntie Lu,

A certain acquaintance of mine is incredibly obstinate about admitting that he fancies me! I know he's harbored some feelings for a while, but he's so stubborn--every time I suggest anything he gets horribly red, or he tries to flee, or he says that he has to go study or somesuch other excuse.

how do i get him to adore me

How do I help him acknowledge his emotions?

Love and Best Wishes,
Tickled Pink

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

TP:

It's clear that he doesn't fancy you at all and all your previous efforts to draw out such feelings have left him so embarrassed on your behalf that he turns red and the only hope for the poor sod is to flee your presence as quickly as possible.

I suggest you set aside such sentimental feelings and focus on whatever it is you can focus on that isn't this bloke.

AL

[crownless]

Auntie Lu,

Why can't I get a girlfriend? I'm a cool guy. I don't know why it never seems to work out.

--Crouching Single Guy, Hidden Babes

[the_new_sexy]

CSGHB:

Because you're annoying.

SH

[dontthink_feel]

Dear Auntie Lu,

How do you tell people you're living with two guys without it coming off really, really wrong?

-It Pays The Rent

THIS IS THE ULTIMATE VENGEANCE

[crownless]

Pays the Rent,

Imply that your roommates are gay.

--Lu

[notsostoic]

Dear Auntie Lu,

How do you tell your best friend to just suck it up and admit his feelings already? Actually, both him and his potential girlfriend are terrified of commitment and responsibility. I'm relatively sure they're good for each other. My friend's always happier when she's around, anyway. And she's always happy when she sees him.

Annoyed

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

Annoyed,

How right you sign your name in such a manner, as this is quite annoying.
Why does it matter to you what is happening in their lives? Perhaps your time would be better suited to resolving your own issues.

-AL

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Auntie Lu,

How do I convince a megalomaniac that I'm not their fated adversary? It's getting very tiresome.

Sincerely,
The Protagonist

[crownless]

Protag,

Sorry, dude. You've gotta kill him.

--Number One

[moirailcompass]

:33 < dear auntie lu
:33 < how do you get over a purrson?

arsenicCatnip

[cibopath]

Time.

But even that's not a sure thing sometimes.

--Just Beet It

[cibopath]

Auntie Lu,

I have a...condition that limits my diet quite a lot. To avoid getting into the less than appetizing details--got any good beet recipes?

--Just Beet It

[sex_angel]

Beet,

What are the limits of the diet?

--AL

[aintno_grave]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I am involved in a relationship with a woman where, the further I go in my timestream the more I know her, while, the further she goes in her timestream the less I know her. She also has a fondness for guns and, on several occasions, has tried to kill me.

My dilemma is: what would be a good supper for us?

Yours etc (through time and space),

Fish Custard

[bloodofakiller]

Just keep smoking what you're smoking and I'm sure anything'll taste good.

-- AL

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

Auntie Lu-

I am working undercover as an advice columnist, I don't think people like my suggestions, even though they are the most logical answers.

Why are people such idiots?

-Not My Career Choice

[crownless]

Because you're a douchebag.

--Lu

[alwaysimpure]

Dear Auntie Lu,

My best friend has a crush on me. I recently figured out that I have one on him, too, so I told him I'd like to give it a try.

For some reason, that made him cry.

Why?

-Accidental Poet, apparently

[musicmaestro]

Dear Accidental Poet,

I don't know, maybe he's scared of being crushed. Can't say I understand it myself.

-Auntie Lu the Great

[edgar_roni]

Dearest Auntie Lu,

While I don't mind the opinions others may have of me, I am concerned I've a reputation as a bedhopper that may or may not be true. Should I worry if this will scare off potential...friends?

Regards,
The King

[(Anonymous)]

Dear The King,

Yes

-Auntie Lu

[lovefool]

Dear Aunt Lu,

I think my boyfriend will be the death of me: literally. Ever since a few days ago he's been saying all sorts of crazy things, like the world is ending, and that I should kill him! It's really put a strain on our relationship, even though I love him. What should I do?

-Hoping to Avoid a Bad End

[ex_reforms251]

Hoping to Avoid a Bad End --

Perform a thorough background check.

If his claim holds any merit, I'd recommend damaging the external carotid artery for a swift and (fairly) painless death.

Alternatively, seek out a relationship that does not ultimately lead to an armageddon scenario.

-- Aunt Lu, Mk. II

[professorgent]

Dear Auntie Lu,

I am the guardian of a wonderful young lady. However, with all respect, her cooking is not so wonderful. In fact, it may be quite inedible. She loves to cook, though, and I dearly do not wish to hurt her feelings. My schedule does not allow me to be able to teach her or find instruction elsewhere.

What way would be best to gently let her know that her cooking needs improvement? I don't think I can afford to take myself, her, and my apprentice out every night to eat.

Sincerely, Puzzled Over Kitchen Concoctions.

[sex_angel]

Dear Puzzled,

Suggest she locate a cooking class to have fun. With any luck she'll go and the instructor she locates will be kindly enough to gently make her a better chef.

--AL

wesley gibson | wanted | pre-film

[bloodofakiller]

Dear Aunt Lu,

I can't believe I'm doing this but -- I'm broke. I have a live-in girlfriend who hasn't paid rent since three months after she moved in. That was almost a year ago. I've thought of approaching her about it. I've also thought about just leaving her shit on the curb while she's at work. No matter what plans I make I can't seem to follow through. It's to the point where I don't think I even care if I get evicted.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

-- Insignificant Asshole

P.S. Oh and she's fucking my best friend. So there's that.

[alwaysimpure]

Dear Asshole,

Suggest a threesome, let your best friend move in and stop paying rent.

Ever effective,
AL

Celes Chere | Final Fantasy 6 | Help I can't resist puns

[aria_di_celes]

Dear Aunt Lu,

A close friend of mine had a falling out lost someone close to him some time ago and has trouble not blaming himself for what happened. Is there any way I can help him move on?

Sincerely,
Generally Concerned

1/2

[temptsfate]

[What. Just...what was this.

Is Setzer a gambler? Yes. He lived for risks, for tempting fate, for flying sky high and living or dying based off of a roll of fortune's dice. Life was so much sweeter that way.

But even occasionally he had to stare at the hand fate dealt him, in this case a random letter, and ask himself...what the fuck was this shit. (Except in Setzerese.) How was he supposed to answer this?]

[poupeechan]

Dear Aunt Lu,

I know it's not exactly fair to seek advice from strangers, especially when you don't have much context, but I don't feel like there's anyone I can turn to. Although I do have a penpal, but he hasn't been writing as of late, so I thought I could give this a try.

Well...the truth is, there is someone I'd like to see. I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I've even been told not to see her, but I want to anyway. Even if it's just to deliver food, or help her with cleaning, I want to be there for her. I want her to open her heart to people, not just me, even if she never does like me in that way.

I'm sure I must be annoying her if I'm around her too much, but I don't think I'm doing anything worthy of hatred. I want to see her. It's not that I dislike the people around me, but...I feel so lonely at times. And being alone...it's the worst feeling in the world.

Do you think I can stop thinking about her? Or if there's a way I can cope?

-Lonely Doll

[okei]

Hey Auntie Lu,

Any advice for a guy who wants to ask a girl he's known forever out?

It's not for me, though. I swear! It's for a friend...

Thanks,
Oh So Helpful Friend

[musicmaestro]

Dear Helpful Friend,

If your friend wants to impress a girl, he has to really put thought and effort into it! He should try skydiving into her back yard in the middle of a fireworks display while playing the banjo. If he has any bird friends, he could ask them to be his chorus! Trust me, girls love that kind of stuff.

Sincerely,
Auntie Lu the Great

[stfuabouthonor]

Dear Aun what kind of a stupid name is Auntie Lu,

How do you get someone to stop insultin see it yo realize that y shut up?

-Annoyed

[(Anonymous)]

Dearest Annoyed,

First make up your mind, then try ducktape.

Sincerely,
Auntie Lu

Asmodeath Lucifer De Versebute ♆ The Devil King is Bored ♆

[the_devil_king_is_bored]

Dear Who Cares

I'm bored.

Yours, The Devil

[(Anonymous)]

Dearest Devil,

Get a Job.

Sincerely,
Auntie Lu

[findmyownreason]

dear auntie lu

someone told me there's a day coming up you're supposed to give a gift to someone you care about.






what do I give?

signed,
sidequest here I come

[edgar_roni]

Sidequest,

Vodka and black underwear.

Regards,
Auntie Lu