bakerstreet | cuddle meme .

Lotor just shook his head. "I am far from uncomfortable, if it had somehow escaped your notice." He smiled a little mischievously into Shiro's shoulder before taking in the rest of the words and sitting back slightly to meet his eyes.

"I do not believe it is something which needs to be defined. We care for one another; anything more can simply be as we go along. But for now you should really move closer and allow me to hold you, Takashi. You are visibly suffering from the cold and I can easily cover us both with the blanket."

Simply survival tactics, of course! Nevermind the fact that it had been centuries since he'd felt his heart speed up so noticeably at another's touch.

Takashi. It catches him visibly by surprise, cutting off whatever polite demurral he was going to make. It's odd... The only people who call him that are those who knew him long before the Kerberos mission, when he was just a student, and even then he usually went by his nickname or surname. It makes him feel like Lotor... might... actually care. Not about the Black Paladin, not about the Champion, but about... well, him. Himself, rather than the personas and leadership mantles he has to wear all the time.

His expression softens into one of gentle consideration overlaid with a little confusion. ".... All right. You sure you don't want me to hold you instead?" The brusque firmness has faded out of his voice, leaving it quite and personal.

He saw that surprise and shook his head slightly, annoyed with himself.

"Forgive me. I did not mean to presume, but in my research about you I discovered that your people hail from Japan and that to use given names in that culture is a sign of intimacy. I shall refrain from doing so if it discomforts you."

And then he smiled, because no, of course Lotor cared nothing for titles. They could be bestown on anyone for any reason; he was living proof. Shiro's had been earned, but even so and while they were valuable in themselves, it was the man under them that held his interest.

"I am certain. I believe you will find that we of Glara blood tend to emanate a great deal of natural warmth."

Shiro takes the time to rearrange, feeling a little guilty about putting his cold body against Lotor's warm one. He lets Lotor choose the arrangement that's most comfortable for him. But he can't deny that it's a relief to feel the heat start to soak into him again.

After a few moments, he says quietly, "It's all right. To call me that, I mean. I just haven't heard it in a long time. No one but Commander Holt uses it, and that's only in private when he really wants to get through to me. ...Matt hasn't since Pidge brought him back." That hurts, in a way, to feel that distinct distance between them, but he can hardly blame Matt for that. "So yeah... I don't mind if you use my first name in private. It's nice to feel like someone's taking notice." He shouldn't have said that, and he flushes up the back of his neck. His shoulders tense in self-reproach. "But it's not necessary if you'd rather stick to Shiro. That's fine too."

Edited (typo) 2018-06-13 01:10 (UTC)

Lotor didn't move a great deal, doing his best to let Shiro find the most comfortable position for himself. When he seemed settled, though, Lotor was quick to wrap both the blanket and his arms around him.

"I would like to call you by your name, if you truly do not object. I find your nickname to be rather fitting as well, but as everyone refers to you in such a way I would enjoy being able to verbally signify our connection to one another."

After a moment, he sighed.

"The man underneath is who I wish to know. I am used to wearing masks as armor and it would be a privilege if neither of us felt the need to do so with one another."

"...I'd rather know you. The Emperor is one thing, the Son of Zarkon is another. But it feels like it's probably been a long time since you could just relax and, well... be."

He's quiet a moment, chewing his tongue and trying to decide how open he should be. Finally he says, so quietly that he knows Lotor can probably only hear it because of his Altean hearing: "I don't know if I can take off the mask anymore. I don't know if there's anything under it. But that's all right... I know what they need me to be, and that's enough."

"A very long time indeed. I too am unsure that I know who I truly am without the survival tactics that have become so ingrained. Voltron, and you in particular, are beginning to let me see that I can be more than my father's darkest shame."

The words were quiet, not as soft as Shiro's had been, but the man in his arms did have human ears, after all. He found himself fighting off the powerful urge to kiss him after such a confession.

"That is all right. It takes a great deal of time to chip the masks away enough to let the light underneath be visible once more. But it is never extinguished. Suns rise and set and hide behind clouds and in eclipses, and yet they do not cease to exist.

The kindness and the strength you show are not something put in place by the witch. They remain despite her interference. You are what your teammates need because you are a good man who will not allow any of them to doubt themselves. But you are important as well, and someday you will see that again."

The ache in Shiro's chest isn't just the cold anymore. He nods, a tiny, jerky thing, and bows his head to press his lips against the edge of the blanket and the warm hand underneath. It's not exactly a kiss - he's mostly resting there to try and get his emotions back under control - but it's not entirely not a kiss either.

In a way, it hurts worse, to know that here is yet another person who thinks, beyond all reason, that he is a 'good man'. When all the evidence Shiro can see right now points the exact opposite direction. He's slipping, especially recently. Badly enough that he's actually snapped at the other paladins, gone behind their backs, stormed off the bridge, executed plans without their knowledge. What kind of leader is that? It's hard to feel like he isn't completely losing his grip and sliding into the monster that lurks under the scars and nightmares.

But on the other hand, Lotor's right. He loves and supports his team the best that he can, even if that best isn't good enough. That's why it hurts so much when they don't trust him. That's why he starts doubting himself when they all fight him on something he believes is right. That's why he goes around them rather than picking fights and hurting them anymore. He wants them to be whole and safe and happy. And that's not something Haggar could ever understand. It's not something she could have put into place. It's something that he had to have had beforehand. Which means that there is someone underneath there, even if he doesn't know who it is or how to reach him right now.

He raises a hand under the blanket to curve his fingers gently over Lotor's forearm. "...Thank you. I don't feel like I'm as good a person as everyone seems to think I am, but you're right about H-- about the witch. She may have shaped me, but I'm not her creature, and that has to count for something."

Having seen some of those things for himself, Lotor had noticed the discomfort, but he couldn't say that Shiro's actions had been unforgivable. He'd acted in the way he felt was best despite the opposition of his team, and that was something Lotor could so easily understand. But he'd never been as close to his team as Shiro was to his own, although his generals had been the closest thing to true friends he'd had for millennia. Still, the fact that Shiro obviously thought he was acting in their best interest said a lot. He hadn't done or said those things to deliberately hurt the others. And leaders were allowed to lose their calm demeanor sometimes. It wasn't as if the time since Lotor had become their ally had been serene.

He shifted a bit so he could press his lips against Shiro's temple. There was no force at all behind the movement and he doubted it was enough to feel beyond a slight brush of a touch, but he hoped it was not unwelcome.

"She did not shape you. You were already formed, she simply used her claws to cut your edges away and hone them into blades. For that, I am forever sorry. She did the same to me, but over a much more prolonged period so it was not nearly as shocking to me as it must have been to you. But regardless, what she did and what she forced you to do - these things do not define you. They are scars much like the physical ones you carry, but they too shall fade with time.

If you were not a good man, you would not be worried about not being one, Takashi. That is all the proof I shall ever need to say emphatically that you are."

He had to laugh softly at the switching of Haggar's name to the descriptor Lotor had given her so long ago. She was called so many things; High Priestess, Druid, her name, the Enperor's Right Hand...but she had never been those things to him. She had been a witch from his earliest of memories.

"It is all right for you to call her by her name. I do not as she has only been a witch in my presence, but the name does not bother me or cause me pain. You needn't feel obligated to censor it in my presence. And I should hope that if you allow any Galra to hold you, you will let it be me."

Shiro huffs, a bitter twist to his lips. "Be careful what you hope for. The only other galra I'd consider is dead because of me. He sacraficed himself for me. Twice. Defied orders. I brought hate and danger and death to his doorstep. He's dead, and there isn't even a body to bury. It's not a smart idea, Lotor. You have way too much on your plate already, not to mention everything that's been done to you in the past. You're the one who can show the universe that not every galra thinks like Zarkon. That there's hope for peace and prosperity among all people. Allura's the much better choice."

But he doesn't let go of Lotor's arm.

"Sacrifices are choices. They are not easy ones; if they were they would not be defined as they are. Ulaz was a great man and he shall not be forgotten, but you cannot allow his death and his choice to make it so cause enough guilt that you find yourself unworthy of love. I choose to continue this because I wish to and because I understand what it is to feel yourself unworthy. I am making it my mission to show you that you are worthy despite your beliefs to the contrary."

He tried to soften his tone a little, the emotional shaking to it having taken on a bit of a growl in his throat.

"I care for Allura a great deal. I had never expected to find another living Altean, and growing close to her is a privilege. I could grow to love her. I do already, in a way. But I shall not choose between two people that I care for. No love is exactly the same and I shall not allow you to foist me off onto her, do you understand? You do not have permission to make that choice for me, Shirogane Takashi. I choose to stay by your side and that is final, unless you veto this decision for legitimate reasons that are not the trauma you carry."

He paused, a hand going to the one Shiro still had around his arm, placing his own over it and squeezing gently, being careful of his claws.

"Hate and danger and death were on his doorstep all his life. I realize the distinction does not change your guilt, but it is Zarkon who put it there, not yourself. Ulaz knew this when he became a warrior of the Blade. He knew his life was forfeit when he freed you. And he chose to do it anyway because he believed in something greater than the way this universe has operated for millennia. He believed in you. I refuse to dishonor him by not doing the same. If I am to bring peace I need you with me; you have already brought more of it than you can possibly understand. There are worlds you have no knowledge of that speak your name reverently and with stars in their eyes for the goodness you have given. This is simple fact and I shall hear nothing different."

Edited 2018-06-15 01:05 (UTC)

Shiro focuses on his breathing as he listens. It's tough to keep it even and steady right now, the vulnerability in opening up this far threatening the facade of strength and dignity he's been preserving all this time. He shuts his eyes against the sting of errant tears. He is not going to cry. Not here, not now, not in front of this man that expects so much from him and sees him as so vastly different than how Shiro feels. There will be time enough for breaking down later, when he can get back to the Castle, receive his tongue-lashing from all the paladins, and retreat to the bare, sparse little cabin he haunts.

"They don't really know me," he says quietly, the last half-hearted attempt to express himself. "They see the Black Paladin - even more, they see Voltron. Those same people would see you and run screaming. Sorry if I don't put a lot of faith in their views." He sighs, running his hand through his short-cropped hair. "I guess I'm just tired. I don't... I don't want you to go, really. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I can trust you. And that I can trust you to at least listen and try to see where I'm coming from before making a decision. I just don't want you hurt because of me. But you're right - it's your decision who you decide to give your heart to, and if you decide that some portion of it should be given into my keeping, I'll do my best. I really admire you."

Lotor tightened his hold as much as he felt he could without making the man in his arms uncomfortable, murmuring comforting Galran gibberish under his breath without truly being conscious of it. Comforting another was not something he had much experience in, but Shiro desperately needed it, and Lotor knew intimately well how heartreaking these things were to discuss. He truly expected nothing from Shiro aside from simply being himself, whoever and whatever that might mean as he attempted to reclaim his identity from his captivity, the war he'd had no real choice in joining as a commander, the horrors he'd faced, and the expectations placed on him by so very many.

"No, they may not. But they see the goodness in what it is you represent. I realize it is not nearly so comforting as it would be of those who know you, but they see goodness and they would not see it if it did not truly exist."

He sighed, placing a hand under Shiro's chin and gently moving it so that he could meet his eyes.

"It is completely logical to be tired. War and the horrors of imprisonment are difficult to mae peace with in one's mind. I do not know exactly what it is you experienced and I shall not ask, but I know what it is to be forced to take innocent lives. It has never been something I have enjoyed, though I am sure my father would have been more pleased with me if I had. But I have had thousands of years to obtain distance and if not closure, at the least a sense of quietude in knowing it is the past and does not define me."

He stopped for a moment and pulled Shiro back against him under the blanket, running his palms up and down his back, trying his best to soothe.

"You will not hurt me. And if you do, it is a risk I am willing to take, as I do not believe you would do so with malice. I could easily say that you admiring me is ridiculous and dangerous for you, because as you say, much of the universe would see me and run. With good reason. I was no prisoner, in the sense most understand that term, and I have hurt many. But I wish for peace and to care for others. Such has been long denied me and if I am able to do so then I shall."

It was surprisingly difficult to maintain eye contact - Shiro's eyes kept flickering sideways with shame - but he always tried to pull back to look Lotor in the face. But the other surprise was how his heart swelled and turned over with the gentle touch on his face and along his back and sides. His chest ached, his throat swelled, and he found himself wishing he could just wrap his arms around Lotor's neck and bury his face in the man's shoulder. What the hell. How long had it been since he had felt anything like the kind of trust that would require? ......How long had it been since he felt he could do that. With anyone.

Before Kerberos.

Before the Garrison, even.

...Since his mother passed.

He took a deep breath and deliberately took Lotor's hand, lifting it to his mouth, and laid a soft kiss on the knuckles. "I know you want peace. That's what you've been working for this whole time. I trust you, Lotor. We'll make it out of here, and we'll find a way. It's only a question of time."

"It is indeed. There is nothing to fear from our captors if they are unwise enough to leave us in the same cell without restraining us."

It would be easy to fight back. Even without weapons, he and the Black Paladin were both well aware of how to fight effectively.

What he was more concerned with was the way Shiro was obviously uncomfortable. He understood why, but it still bothered him as he was unable to make it better, even knowing that it could take years or decades to begin to truly heal.

"Come here. You're rather bad at being held. Do not make me command you."

But he smiled, a genuine one that crinkled the corners of his eyes.

Shiro huffs a sort of laugh. "All right, all right. Can't let that get out. The Coalition will have a meltdown." He's joking, really, but he does back up a little more and lean back against Lotor's chest. And he has to admit, there's something really, really nice about that. The warmth is finally soaking down into his chest and easing the strain cold's been causing since his latest escape. The rasp is starting to leave his breathing, that goodness. At least he sounds less weak now.

He had never sounded weak to Lotor. As it was, he simply held him, murmuring soothing things into his ear, old Galran fairy tales and stories that no one knew anymore.

"I would venture to guess that the witch may have set some of these breathing issues into motion. When we return, it may be a good plan to go into a cryopod for a bit. I will stay with you the entire time and you shall not be alone."

Shiro lets his eyes drift closed as he listens to the stories, hoping that he can remember them later. This is something that should be recorded. They're fascinating.

But when Lotor suggests the pods, Shiro stiffens slightly. "No. I'm not going into a pod. It's just the cold - I'll be fine once I'm back somewhere warm. When I got out last time I spent a while on an ice planet. That's probably the source."

"I would not allow anything to harm you. I promise it with my life."

He could understand the hesitancy, but the idea of Shiro simply dealing with such things due to a fear did not sit well with him.

"I'm not worried about that," Shiro says, and he tries hard to keep from being short with Lotor. "I don't want to hurt anyone else."

There's a wealth of information in that. That he'll panic. That it will be so bad he doesn't think he'll be able to tell friend from foe. That he will use force to keep from being shut into a pod. That he won't hold back.

A swell of disgust turns Shiro's stomach and he swallows it down.

Lotor felt that undercurrent of fear and felt rather terrible. He hadn't exactly forgotten, but the knowledge of this man's incarceration - which would obviously have included being forced into pods - was no true secret, especially among those of his rank.

He ran his hands soothingly over whatever skin he was able to reach, murmuring as he went.

"Forgive me. It is not often that someone such as yourself is able to function after such blatant mistreatment. I tend to forget the hells you were subjected to. I would never wish you to face such things again. I merely wished for an alleviation of your current issues, nothing more. I shall not insist you go back, fear not."

Shiro closes his eyes and forces himself to relax into the touch, taking a deep, steadying breath. "It's all right. It's not like I talk about it. It's easier... not to think about it. Besides, there's not a lot to remember. Just fragments, mostly. It's a human defense mechanism, to block out things to make it easier to keep moving and not just shut down, but heh. I really wish it wouldn't be quite so thorough. Others had it worse than I did, I'm sure. You had to live through a lot more, a lot longer, and a lot more subtly destructive."

cuddle meme .

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Gah I typo'd Galra

I honestly didn't notice

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icon keywords being apt again

Re: icon keywords being apt again

i finally get to use this icon (keywords yo)

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I'm sorry this took some time <3

I don't mind! They're psls - take as long as you need. ♥

another year later, feel free to ignore if you like

Nope! I'm enjoying it if you are!

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