Amazon Meme

[lamb_chop]

Rules:

1. Post your character.
2. Other characters review your character in the style of Amazon.com reviews.
3. Profit! (With a low monthly fee of $39.99!)
4. Bonus: Describe your character's 'product features'.

OPTIONAL:
Amazon formating to leave your Character details:
(to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars and X.X out of)
<div class="contents usercontent"><div class="inner"><div class="comment-content"><a href="PROFILE LINK HERE" _fcksavedurl="PROFILE LINK HERE"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 153);"><span style="font-size: medium;">CHARACTER NAME</span></span></a><h1>PRODUCT OFFERED</h1> <div><span data-asin="B001GNBJXC" data-ref="dp_top_cm_cr_acr_pop_"> <span> <img alt="" src="https://www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /><span>X.X out of 5 stars</span> <br /></span></span></span><br /><span data-ref="dp_top_cm_cr_acr_pop_" data-asin="B001GNBJXC"> </span> <hr /></div><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">List Price:</span> <strike>PRICE</strike><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">Price:</span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><strong><span style="font-size: medium;">SALE PRICE</span></strong></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">You Save: </span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 51);">Up to</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 51);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><strong>AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT</strong></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 0);"> (10</span></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 0);">0%)</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#CC6600; font-weight:bold; font-size:1.5em;">Product Features</span><br /><ul><li>FEATURE 1</li><li>FEATURE 2</li><li>FEATURE 3</li><li>ETC</li></ul></div></div></div>

OPTIONAL:
Amazon formatting to Leave Review:
(to change star rating, change the number in "i_starsX.gif" to desired number of stars.)
<img alt="" src="https://p.dreamwidth.org/df51423e2889/-/www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_stars5.gif" _fcksavedurl="https://p.dreamwidth.org/df51423e2889/-/www.azcentral.com/ent/calendar/imgs/i_starsX.gif" /> <b>REVIEW TITLE</b>, REVIEW DATE<br />By <b><a href="PROFILE LINK" _fcksavedurl="PROFILE LINK">CHARACTER NAME</a></b><br /><br />REVIEW INFO HERE


Adapted from onegoodman

Comments

[shslliar]

Kokichi Oma

"Ultimate Supreme Leader"

3.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: ¥7000
Price: ¥700
You Save: Up to TEN PERCENT (10%)

Product Features

• Compact size for easy travel
• Three modes! Cute, Annoying, and NIGHTMARE FUEL
• Horsey laugh function
• Won't stop lying!

[sighara]

More complicated than I expected..., 01/10/2018
By SAIHARA SHUICHI

Not for the...faint of heart, I almost returned him myself, but the longer I spent time with him the more he proved to be a worthwhile product. Some buyers will be frustrated by his inability to work with others, but I've found that accepting him for who he is and not forcing him to change produced the best results.

Leviathan | Final Fantasy XV

[tidemother]

LEVIATHAN, THE HYDRAEAN

WATERY FUN FOR THE WHOLE CITY!

4.8 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 500,000,000 gil
Price: 499,999,999 gil
You Save: Up to THE VALUE OF A HUMAN LIFE (0.0000002%)

Product Features

• 3,377.62 ft. of slippin', slidin' water park fun!
• Built-in security features. Never lose* your Astral!
• Hate city life? DESTROY IT.



• *Losing TO your Astral is not covered under warranty.

[thereforetitans]

[ It that a GIANT WATER DRAGON??

It's a GIANT WATER DRA--

GIAN-- ]

I'LL TAKE IT.

[ Aaaaaand there goes all of the Survey Corps' Budget for the next ten years. ]

Best giant dragon EVER!!!!!!1, 1/10/17
By Hange Zoe

This is the best investment EVER MADE, possibly-- no, definitely even more than building those giant walls!!! THIS LEVIATHAN LOOKS SMALL IN THE PRODUCT IMAGES BUT LET ME TELL YOU IT IS EVEN MORE UNBELIEVABLE IN PERSON!! Highly recommend, would not trade for the world.

Varian | Tangled TV series

[wouldilietoyou]

VARIAN, (that one from Old Corona, not some other one, some customers were confused)

A BRILLIANT TEEN ALCHEMIST,
CAN DO TRICKS OR TREATS AND ALL THINGS ALCHEMICAL. PROBABLY NOT A WIZARD.

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: PRICE
Price: 38.000
You Save: Up to AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT (0%)

Product Features

• NEED ANYTHING ALCHEMICAL? YOU'VE GOT IT. ALSO, YOU'VE NOW GOT A BONUS RACCOON, HE'S CUTE. WHAT, WE DIDN'T MENTION A RACCOON? COMES WITH THE PACKAGE.
• GENIUS TEENAGER
• VERY INSCECURE SO NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE A SLAVE OUT OF HIM WE'RE SURE
• ALSO HE CAN BE YOURS IF YOU PROMISE TO SAVE HIS DAD, THAT'S HIS WEAKNESS,
  SO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT, GOOD COOPERATION GUARANTEED! JUST DON'T STRING HIM ALONG TOOOOO LONG, MAYBE.

IF HE DECIDES YOU BROKE SOME PROMISE TO HIM, WE DON'T GUARANTEE REFUNDS OR YOUR SAFETY. MINOR EXPLOSIONS POSSIBLE. TAKE CARE.

bonus: he's very short, won't take up much space. Until he starts building his alchemical machines, at least


No discounts, because the product is fresh off the shelf.

Don't call the product a lizard unless you want an alchemy lecture.

* Also: not Edward Elric. Some customers were confused. But we don't give refunds for that.

Ansemnort || That One Canon About Kingdoms and Hearts

[returntodarkness]

Ansem, Seeker of Darkness

A FUN ADVENTURE COMPANION FOR ALL AGES

3 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: THE PRICE OF ALL HEARTS CONSUMED BY DARKNESS
Price: 1999munny
You Save: Up to It's a lot don't ask (100%)

Product Features

• Guaranteed to mention the word darkness about 50 times each conversation
• Bothersome neighbors will never again be a problem
• Can probably take you to all of your appointments and haggle down to good prices through threats for you*
• Doesn't require any feeding because he feeds upon the darkness and misery in those around him feeds himself
• Can help your children with their science fair experiments**

*Disclaimer: he will need to be in the mood to help, we suggest supplying him with Darkness Brand Heart Munchies, the treat that every Heartless loves
**Disclaimer: We hold no responsibility for said science experiment involving the darkness in people's heart and potentially turning the entire school into Heartless

[wouldilietoyou]

He's rude. Btw, false advertising to the max, today
By Varian! With no "x"

Three Two One actually star out of five according to my memories.

He's really rude. I bought him, because I thought he might help me free my father. He didn't free him, isntead he desintegrated him, which made me cry and hurt a lot if I remember correctly, and then he did something to me. It hurt a bit, though I think not as much as seeing Dad annihilated. That was worse, as far as I remember

And then he called me a nobody and tried to change my name. Really stupidly. Uncalled for, in my opinion.

On the other hand, I'm not hurt anymore, so I took a nap. And afterwards, I think my mood improved. I mean. I'm not sure what my mood is right now. Probably apathy? So, really improved. Also, Ansem left, so at least I don't have to deal with him right now. That's great, probably? I don't even know.

Altough maybe you shouldn't take my review to heart that much. I don't find myself with any strong feelings on the matter right now. If anything, I'm slightly irritated, maybe. Or I should be.

I mean, I spent a lot of time trying to impress my Dad, and now he no longer exists. So I guess that was a bit rude of Ansem? I guess.

Anyway, that's enough, I'm busy wondering when I'll feel grief. Maybe it's belated? I've read about such cases. But that's a shame, if it's belated, it'll probably hit me harder later.

You know what? Maybe do take my review seriously.
The Ansem guy will probably make me angry tomorrow. Or someday. At least, he logically should?

Eh, don't ask me.

Ghirahim | Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

[fabusword]

Ghirahim

Demon Sword

5/5 stars

---

List Price: 100000 rupees
Price: 10000 Rupees
You Save: Up to A lot. (100%)

Product Features

• Ever wanted to conquer the world? This is the sword for you! He's an ancient demonic blade created to bring ruin!
• Ever felt like you had so many evil plans and too little henchmen? Then look no further! This blade has autonomous programming, so he may act even while separate from you! Simply issue your commands and he'll obey!
• Comes with complimentary snark and sass.
• Has been upgraded to give make-up tutorials.
• VENDOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SWORD'S CREEPY BEHAVIOR. NON-REFUNDABLE.

K-2SO | Rogue one

[k2so]

K-2SO

SALT POWERED ROBOT 

 4.7 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 70000 Galactic Credits,
Price: 0 CREDITS
You Save: Up to PLEASE JUST TAKE HIM AWAY (100%)

Product Features

• DO YOU WANT OPINIONS? BECAUSE YOU WILL GET OPINIONS.
• Can he offer you some nice calculation in this trying time?
• 100% bitchslapping rating
• Tall, dark and down to fight evil intergalactic governments

 

*Disclaimer: Might or might not do as he pleases at any given moment. Possibly a cat in disguise.

[rolling_rebel]

IT'S HIM!!!, 10/01/????
By BB-8

VERY GOOD DROID! HELPED FIGHT AGAINST THE EMPIRE AND HELPED THE OLD RESISTANCE! A ROLE MODEL :D!

Lucas Baker | Resident Evil

[1019]

LUCAS BAKER

NEET INVENTOR

0 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $05.14
Price: $06.21
You Save: Up to -$01.07??? (WHAT A STEAL)

Product Features

• NONSTOP FUN! Provides endless automatic supply of recreational tools using only common items and disposables found in your home! Toys, puzzles, party supplies, party games, party animatronics, escape rooms, high-security locks, lasers, heavy weaponry, heavy explosives, light explosives, power saws, cage matches, and more!
• Low-maintenance, will function well with minimal cleaning and fueling. Self-repairing.
• 1st Prize Winner of 1998 Amateur Inventors’ Contest; Connections’ Choice for Head Researcher 2017. A Proven Crowd-Pleaser!
• WARNING: FIRE HAZARD - Do not leave unattended for over 10 min. Mold hazard. Non-adjustable volume. Not safe for children ages 6 and up.

[zackthekiller]

False advertising!!!, 1/10/2018
By zack

Neat inventor, my ass! THIS JACKASS TRIED TO KILL MY FRIEND IN ONE OF HIS STUPID DEATH TRAPS!

[rolling_rebel]

BB-8

BB UNIT ASTROMECH DROID

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 12 Portions of Rations
Price: 49,000 credits

Product Features

• Built to assist and maintain flight systems in small crafts (i.e. X-Wings/TIE Fighters)
• Capable of understanding most common languages in the galaxy (speaks in binary)
• Numerous tools for various jobs and storage holds, suitable for small drives and money
• Ball shaped to roll over most terrain
• Programmed with a self-preservation mode to ensure safety when separate from user

[aprettyflyboy]

FRIENDLY SHAPED, REVIEW DATE
By droiddadpilot

Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, totally unique. Best, loyal and most trusted friends. Fits perfectly in any ship.

[eraser_rain]

Mikami Teru

Anti-Criminal Mass Murdering Zealot

2.1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: ¥400,000
Price: ¥350,000
You Save: Up to 12.5%

Product Features

• Now with 20/20 vision (glasses accessory still included!)
• Great with names
• Comes with full time government employment
• Probably won't kill you!

[shslliar]

WORST YES MAN EVER, 1/10/2018
By Kokichi Oma


I bought this product for my evil organization because I needed a mole.

Biggest mistake of my life. This guy won't stop talking about how great "Kira" is and how he should be our god and yadda yadda yadda. And he's a psychic! That's not a mispelling, he literally knows who you are and when you're gonna die! Way too creepy, and when you add a Death Note to the mix he becomes way too dangerous for society!

He also jacked the delete key off the keyboards.

Sending him back, -1000 out of 5. Never gonna buy from this seller again.

mordred pendragon ] arthuriana

[cadcamlan]

MORDRED

SMALL CHILD, DEFINITELY NOT CURSED

1.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: £3,950
Price: £80 (or best offer)
You Save: Up to £3,870 (98%)

Product Features

• Can carry small objects for long distances or slightly larger objects for short distances
• Eats very little and often finds own food
• Apparently cannot be drowned
• Very rarely sets fire to things if well supervised
• Can possibly be used in the next decade or so to destroy the legacy of the Pendragon
• Makes faces if you boop nose

Re: mordred pendragon ] arthuriana

[washessocks]

Misleading title, a long time ago
By Merlin

While seemingly sweet and does not appear cursed just as the title suggests, CHILD IS DEFINITELY CURSED. REPEAT. CHILD IS DEFINITELY CURSED.
Probably fine if kept away from kings.

[bringstheheat]

Mick Rory - aka Heatwave

Former Supervillain turned Legend

4.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $100
Price: SALE PRICE
You Save: 100% Up to please just take him (100%)

Product Features

• Former criminal
• Will gladly start fights and set things on fire. Sometimes when you ask him to. Don't hold your breath
• Purchase new Loyalty upgrade and he'll never leave your side
• Stock up on the beer and food. This guy can eat.

[mypriority]

False Advertising, 01/10/18
By Leonard Snart

Not for sale. Already claimed and non-refundable.

Loyalty upgrade is 10/10 though, you're missing out.

Barry Allen | DCEU

[soyourefast]

Barry Allen | The Flash

GOTTA GO FAST

 4.7 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 2500$
Price: 1500$
You Save: Up to 40 PERCENT (40%)

Product Features

• Gone are the days of walking to places like an absolute loser, enjoy being carried at the speed of light.
• Comes in two flavors: adorkable and superheroic. Not mutually exclusive.
• Can vibrate any part of his body.
• Yes, your read that right.
• Plays the viola and knows sign language (Gorila sign language included). 
• Practically unlimited stamina, enhanced healing and next to none refractory period.
• Requires large quantities of food to function and occasional naps. Please be nice to him, he's small and hungry.

 

*Disclaimer: Could break the space-time continuum if used wrong.

[bymywill]

Surprise
By itsadate

Doesn't like staying in constructs. Complains a lot. Flusters easily. But it's fun to do that. Will provide review when full features have been used.

Mitsunari Ishida | Sengoku Basara

[onthatdayidied]

Mitsunari Ishida

A GUARD DOG

X.X out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 700.000 YEN
Price: 70.000 YEN
You Save: Up to AMOUNT OF DISCOUNT (90%)

Product Features

• VERY OBEDIENT IF YOU'RE HIS LORD
• CAN MURDER A LOT FOR YOU
• IF YOU WANT HIM HAPPY PRAISE HIM SOMETIMES, BUT THAT'S NOT CRUCIALLY REQUIRED
• NO REFUNDS IF HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT HIS LORD AND KILLS YOU, SORRY. ALSO, TRAIN HIM YOURSELF NOT TO BITE GUESTS, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

Bonus: Keep away from Ieyasus if you bought any. We're not refunding any damaged Ieyasus if you don't know how to keep them apart.

[snowandfrost]

CAITLIN SNOW - KILLER FROST

Chilly Dissociated Doctor

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $5,000
Price: $2,500
You Save: Up to 50% (100%)

Product Features

• Three doctorates - one medical
• Instant ice pack/ice machine
• Hulk Syndrome Does relatively no harm
• Comes broken but still managable
• Mean roommate included

[dressedlikeabat]

Bruce Wayne / Batman

Vigilante,
now with Grappling Hooks!

5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $7,000,000,000
Price: $6,999,999,999
You Save: Up to $1 (100%)

Product Features

• Direct from Gotham City
• Voice modulator, suit, sweet car included
• Issues...just...issues
• I'm rich Billionaire mode: owns companies multiple industries

[shslliar]

Too gritty, 1/10/2018
By Kokichi Oma

I was expecting something more lighthearted like Adam West's Batman, but I got a stoic edgelord instead. Very dissapointed.

[success_story]

Red Robin

Refurbished Certified VIGILANTE (Sidekick Model)

3.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 99.89
Price: 76.02
You Save: Up to 24% (100%)

Product Features

• Gently used, packaging like new
• Hook-ups to most current electronics, easy to modify
• Great starter for younger users or perfect addition to a higher-powered unit (please double-check that you have necessary connectors)


SELLER'S NOTE: This VIGILANTE was recalled soon after release owing to some dangerous malfunctions, but this model HAS been modified and is fully operational. Warranty can be purchased through company. Please contact with questions.

[graverobin]

cheap imitation, don't bother, 1/10/2018
By JASON TODD

lame during its original Robin product run, still lame now. basically just a re-skin made of flimsy materials. great if you need to do some quick hacking, but the style's way off. save yourself the hassle and buy a Red Hood. those REALLY know how to bounce back.

[anothermission]

VENOM "PUNISHED" SNAKE

CLOTHED VERSION OF NAKED SNAKE, HIGH QUALITY IMITATION BIG BOSS

4.1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 3,999 GMP
Price: 3,000 GMP
You Save: Up to 999 GMP (25%)

Product Features

• Live Action Robotic Arm
• Fits in nearly any sized cardboard box
• Good with kids and pets
• Hardly ever speaks, very quiet!*

* This is not an imitation Quiet product. Quiet is sold separately.
Disclaimers:
Product will sometimes rarely stab itself.
May turn kids and pets into soldiers.

i am so sorry

[saveyourserpent]

Absolutely useless, xx/xx/xxxx
By Liquid Snake

Oh, I suppose he's fine if you like things like being designed to be a flawed copy or taken from your home, but really, he's better off dead.

But only if I do it.

Anyway, if I can't make a return, I'll kill you.

[polkayoureyesout]

WALDO BUTTERS

Medical Examiner/ Heroic Companion, Used

2.5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $45.99
Price: $25.99
You Save: Up to Money? (100%)

Product Features

• Handy first aid feature
• Comes with common sense check
• Music function
• Travel sized and compact

Seller Note: "Common Sense Check" functions erratically. First won't shut off, then cuts out entirely and model attacks necromancer with its teeth. Keeps repeating "I'm not a that kind of doctor." Also music function is stuck on "Polka".

Omg

[lilorphanmaggie]

Is this included in Amazon Prime’s free shipping? Or qualify for local pick up? Asking for a friend, which is me.

[toadthejanitor]

TOAD

DISCOUNT MINION: CHEAP!

3 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $9.95
Price: $6.95
You Save: Up to $3.00 (100%)

Product Features

• 30+ Years Experience in Mook Trade: Has that cynical attitude every overlord wants from their underlings
• Mutant strength, weird body chemistry
• 20 FT TONGUE
• Will work for recognition/ revenge/ affection

WARRANTY VOID AGAINST X-MEN

[invisibleheir]

ARTURIA PENDRAGON

A-TIER SABER

5 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 3 Saint Quartz
Price: 380 Saint Quartz
You Save: Up to NOTHING (0%)

Product Features

• Powerful Noble Phantasms
• Extremely skilled with swords
• A+ Riding Skill
• Absolutely no son whatsoever
• Eats basically everything

[hiryugaeshi]

I thought I was getting a little bird, but received something more akin to a lion.

Five stars.

But not actually that skilled with swords.

[sunnymerc]

SOLEIL THE ADORING ADORER

STRONGEST SWORDSWOMAN NOW DISCOUNTED FROM 5 TO 4 STAR SUMMON

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 220 SUMMON ORBS
Price: 60 SUMMON ORBS
You Save: Up to a WHOLE BUNCH (a lot%)

Product Features

• CUTE AS A BUTTON
• 2 STRONG
• POWERED SOLELY BY GAY THOUGHTS
• NOTE: may not come with shirt

[unreasons]

GOOD HAIR!!!!!, 1/10/2018
By RiderOfBlack69

DEFINITELY THE BEST SWORDSWOMAN!!! She has PINK hair and is really CUTE AND ADORABLE AND CAN BENCHPRESS ME! 5/5 stars would purchase again!!! ♥♥♥♥

[travailler]

ELPHELT VALENTINE

DEFECTIVE MODEL - BIG DISCOUNT!!! MY DAUGHTER MUST GO

1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $$ 1,000,000
Price: $$ 0.50
You Save: Up to $$ 999,999.50 (99.99995%)

Product Features

• Comes in PINK and MONOCHROME models
• ARMED TO THE TEETH - FUN FOR THE ENTIRE HUMAN FAMILY
• Good for playing dress up! Put her in cute things and make her cry!
• Definitely NOT sleeper agent intended to kill all humans!
• COLLECT HER SISTER TO COMPLETE THE SET OF SHITTY DAUGHTERS WHO WONT DO AS I SAY

[unreasons]

ASTOLFO

ADORABLE RIDER

4 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 240 Saint Quartz
Price: 120 Saint Quartz
You Save: Up to 120 Saint Quartz (50%)

Product Features

• Always upbeat and energetic
• Never gives up
• Definitely the cutest Rider out there
• Up to 4 Noble Phantasms
• Will always encourage you to live your best life
• Did we mention that he's the cutest Rider?

[sunnymerc]

A+ RIDING , 01/10/2018
By gal4pals

100% CUTE GOOD BOY wears cute things and is the sweetest. comes with a cute chicken thing 🐓

RIDES V. GOOD

[standingonmyneck]

Daria "Esmeralda" Morgendorffer

What's Her Face

0 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: $25.99
Price: $0.99
You Save: Up to 99% off; includes a easy "A" on your science project (100%)

Product Features

• Can quote the entirety of TellTale Heart by memory
• Handy pizza dispenser
• Comes with a free bottle of expired Pepto Bismal and a bag of paper clips
• For a limited time only; or until it needs an isolation tank

[edgarallanbro]

To Whom It May Concern 1/ 10/ 1843

I do not doubt the veracity of these claims nor do I cast aspersions upon the seller. Indeed I do not know this young woman who is advertising her charms and who no doubt seeks a beloved to join her in marital bliss.

Nevertheless I would like to express my confusion. Only this morning I have sent The Tell-Tale Heart off to appear in The Pioneer. Can the manuscript have been intercepted?

Sincerely,
Edgar Allan Poe

[rebellions]

RAGNA=THE=BLOODEDGE

MOST WANTED CRIMINAL IN THE WORLD

1 out of 5 stars

---

List Price: 90,000,000,000P$
Price: 90P$
You Save: Up to A SHITTON (99.99999%)

Product Features

• Updated model features over 60,000 new, creative insults, curses and threats
• Turns into a kaiju when angered
• Has like 5 days left to live — ORDER NOW!!
• Arms sold separately