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BAD SEX/RELATIONSHIP TIPS MEME

There is nothing to be ashamed of if things in the bedroom are boring or if you need tips to figure out how to make relationships work. There is help right at your local bookstore! Pay a visit to the magazine section and see what all the men's and women's magazines have to offer you. They are full of some useful nuggets of advice.

Rules
1. Put your character's name and series in the subject line along with any preferences.
2. Choose a tip from here to try out and save your failing love life! Or just a few to laugh over as you read over the magazines.

(Modified from a meme on Bakerstreet. Credit goes to

primrosepath)

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"We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for your breasts. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool)-" well, that is just unfortunate "-we don't know what will."

[Who in God's name let Irene Adler read Cosmo? Well, someone is to blame for this. And, of course, she is not just reading it, she's reading it aloud, putting her drama school training to good use and projecting.

Continuing her soliloquy, highly entertained--]

"Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. ...Yowzah."

[She closes the magazine (but never fear, there is a stack on the coffee table) and positively beams; Irene's hobby is making other people feel all the embarrassment she's immune to.]

And to think, I've been doing it wrong all this time.

Edited 2012-08-27 21:44 (UTC)

[ God Bless America, right? Pam hefts a brow over the arch of her compact disk, pausing her application of lipstick when 'tickle his feet' gushes out of The Woman. She doesn't laugh, nor smile, nor snort, but she emits a more subtle air of half-hearted amusement. Really, now. ]

Don't feel down, Sugar. You really don't got the equipment to do it with.

[ Dropping her gaze again, she presses her lips to even out the bright red shade. ]

There's only one way to a man's heart, and it ain't through his feet. Better off rollin' up that issue and swatting it with it, do just as well.

Hush, now. You'll give me a complex.

[She sounds fabulously unconcerned, nigh entertained, settling back in her chair with an air of supreme insouciance. (Fairly carefully calculated insouciance, but everything she does is fairly carefully calculated, and the absurd confidence and flamboyance is all real- just molded into a specific image).]

A few swats sound much more entertaining than reverse cowgirl and nipple-to-foot action- oh, d'you think they've got anything on kink? Now that I've got to see.

Hm.

[ A note of doubt, as if to suggest Pam's pretty well figured out what Irene's complex is, and doesn't think it'll be so easily topped by another. She's got her own image, which is largely that of an unimpressed, cold-hearted bitch, and it's largely the truth. Being technically dead, her heart has been sitting inert in her chest for nearly a century, and unless she's recently fed (usually a good chance of being true - she doesn't deny herself much) her skin tends not to get much over room temperature. And she hasn't exactly survived the years by being very compassionate. She's more bark than bite now, but both are nasty when she gets going, and one comes as easy as the other. She's really not trying.

The compact snaps shut. Uncrossing her legs, she leans over to push the stack of magazines out, splaying them across the table. ]

What you gotta figure is that women over fourty sit on their front porch and in salons with their curlers readin' this trash, and the people writin' it's about the same. Pretty sure most of the ideas come outta opening drawers around their house. They really like puttin' things in the refrigerator.

But you know, I think they did an issue after them Fifty Shades books that's givin' everyone the vapors.

[ That Louisiana southern drawl gets two more helpings of honey thickness on the punctuation, and the vampire plucks up a magazine to fan herself for effect before her face falls to an eye-rolling deadpan. Her brows jump, however, when those blue eyes settle on a particular cover. ]

Here.

[ She plucks up one of the aforementioned magazines, one side of her mouth quirking into a diminutive sneer at the cover as she flips it open. After licking her thumb and passing the other woman a bit of a smirk, she works her way through the pages and leans back. ]

"Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs."

[ Unlike Irene, Pam reads this in a complete deadpan. Sometimes underwhelming is overwhelming. ]

Edited 2012-08-28 05:56 (UTC)

[Irene is a social chameleon, adapting her self-presentation subtly as demanded by the situation- when faced with a conversational partner who favours deadpanning, she tends to play herself up to eleven.

She leans in, immaculate red nails skimming over glossy proclamations that this magazine will revitalise your relationship, this article will give you magical insights into the unknowable alien brains of men...]

Oh... [She gives a rushing sigh, and very mournfully remarks--] heterosexuals. The poor darlings.

Of course, you shouldn't underestimate the kitchen drawer, dear; I've wrapped a few men in cling film, though I'm not sure Cosmo was intentionally giving tips on 'how to conveniently satisfy your client's mummification fetish'.

"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

........okay I don't know who keeps leaving this on my locker but it's getting to the point of ridiculousness. Please, stop. [Even Steve wasn't that stupid.]

[Clint is going to peer right over your shoulder now, Steve, and just laugh.] Fuck. Are they serious? That's probably the greatest thing I've ever heard.

Great, you can read it then. [Steve snorted, tossing the magazine clipping at Clint.]

No, c'mon. It's hilarious. [He catches it easily, turning it over in his hand, and laughing all over again.] Steeeeve.

It isn't amusing, I find it kind of offensive, as a matter of fact. [Steve muttered, looking anything but amused by the situation.] It's either you or Tony. Who keeps doing this, Clint.

Yeah, no. Not me. [He pauses for a beat.] There we more?

"Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."

Huh? Who the hell thinks *that's* sexy? That's just... owch....

"During sex, stick your finger in his mouth and order him to suck it."

I don't know much about this kind of thing, but... that doesn't sound very kinky...

"Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off."

Okay... that one's just making me hungry...

All tips taken from Here

Have a Phoenix look over with a painful look on his face.

"I don't want a fork anywhere near my naked body... eating utensils are just that... eating utensils."

"Yeah, forks just make me think of food and then I get hungry and I'm not really thinking about, yah know..." Now looking rather embarassed...

"You're always thinking about food... you're a Death God, are you sure you even need to eat?"

"Well, I'm supposed to be as human as I can be, in order to blend in, if I'm handling a case in the mortal world. It just kind of carries over to the other side."

Aramat doesn't usually read modern literature, she'd been taught that that is tasteless and rather silly. She's about to find out that there is some truth in the matter.

"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

"But what if change gets stuck there?"

"Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

"That's just disgusting..."

"As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

"...I think I may have done that before, but I don't think it was sexual at all."

Everyone gets bored, so Phoenix's taken to reading one of those 'men magazines'. Perhaps he should have just read the newspaper.

Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”

"I think she would rather just have the necklace..."

"81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

"No shit, nobody wants to be surprised with that."

She's not gonna want the ⁿecklace anymore.

I know right? Disgusting.

What you reading ±hose for, anyway? Legal research?

Boredom. [Tosses the magazine away.]

[ignoring that answer entirely]

Is it the guy in the pink? He's probably the pretty traditional wine and flowers type.

12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

...

Really? And here I was eating all of those oysters for nothing...

"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

[ If there's a way to look appalled, thoughtful, and slightly amused all at the same time, he's sporting that look right now, directing it at the magazine in his ice-cold hands. ]

Edward!

[And there goes Alice, lightly snatching the magazine from his hands.]

What are you doing with my Cosmo? I told you, women's hair gel i-

[She stops short with a little cackle when she actually reads what he was looking at.]

Oh my God.

[And now he's both mortified and irritated. Luckily for him, the irritation is winning.]

I'm installing a lock.

[strum]

♪ Wouldn't that trick be a little old
When you are already cold? ♪

[ Wow, he's actually kind of speechless. Except for the part where he semi-blurts out: ] How do you know that I'm always cold?

Edited 2012-08-30 02:57 (UTC)

[strum]

♪ When the dead are walking above ground
Sooner or later, word gets around ♪

19. Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street.

[funnily enough, it's not the weirdest thing he's ever done on a date.]

You did that on our first anniversary. Congratulations on being ahead of the curve.

[Whether or not it's a curve he would want to be ahead of is up for debate.]

Edited 2012-08-29 02:35 (UTC)

How do you know they didn't see us and got the idea from that? Maybe they've just been sitting on it for the past fifteen years.

Hm, yes, that makes perfect sense. I'll bet they were agonizing over what to put in this issue and thought "Hey, what about that thing with the violinist that director and author did that one time on a date nearly two decades ago? Genius."

Here's another one, 24. Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh.

Just what I've always wanted: minty fresh breasts.

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