The Awkward Sex Meme

[thememesock]

The Awkward Sex Meme

Sex is weird. You do what with that? And it goes where? Oh god, right there, right - ohgodnonotthere! Did you just - no, no, it's fine. Whatever. I'm tired anyway. You want to have sex WHERE?!

How It Works:
* Post.
* Pick or roll for your specifics. You don't have to roll for every category if you don't want; either pick the categories you want, or roll for the category and go from there.
* Enjoy the lols.
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I. LOCATION!
1. The Beach!
Sounds great, right? There was that whole romantic thing in the movies and DEAR FUCKING GOD THERE'S SOMETHING CRAWLING ON ME GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!

2. The Pool/Ocean/Shower!
This is a great idea, right? Absolutely nothing could go wrong! Wait, what do you mean water washes away lubrication? God, I hope we don't drown/fall and crack our skulls open.

1. On Random Furniture!
Um. Um. Honey? I think it's great that you have that whole 'I absolutely need you right now' thing going, but I am not having sex on my grandfather's hand-carved table.

4. The Bathrooms!
Oh. Oh god. What is that smell? I think I'm going to throw up.

5. The Car!
Honey, you remembered to put the parking break on, right? Move over, I have a seat belt buckle in my back.

6. The Movie Theater!
Gdi, that guy's doing a walkthrough again. What the hell does he think we're doing in here- oh.

7. The Great Outdoors!
I'm sorry, I didn't invite that squirrel to this party. Oh man, I'm getting bug bites places I didn't even know I had.

8. In An Airplane!
Augh augh augh we're going to crash and die! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Oh man, I think I'm stuck. DAMN THESE TINY BATHROOMS.

9. WHERE AM I?!
DIY space! Pick another number or make up your own!


II. OOPS?

1. Injury!
Darling? Sweetie? Honey? I swear I didn't mean to slam you into the wall like that. Talk to me?

2. Timing!
....Uh. Look, if you give me a little while, I'm sure I can get it up again - can I give you a massage or something in the meantime?

3. Interruption!
OH MY GOD WHO THE HELL IS CALLING WHEN I AM FINALLY GETTING SOME - hi, Mom!

4. Awkward Bodily Functions!
...That totally wasn't what it sounded like. Honest!

5. Calling Out the Wrong Name!
Yeah, you're screwed. Just leave now while you still have your limbs.

6. Failed Experimentation!
Hey, honey? Honey? This really isn't working for me. I'm really sorry.

7. Just Plain Fail!
Where did I put the keys to those handcuffs?

8. Oh Shit!
DIY space! I have no idea what just happened, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't good. Pick another number or make up your own!


III. OBSTACLES!

1. Stress!
It's not you, honey, it's just that I've got a lot on my mind. Maybe we could try this a different way?

2. Preparation, Preparation, Preparation!
Fuck, where did the condoms go? Have you seen the lube? I swear they were around here somewhere!

3. Inexperience!
Do you like it like this? How about like this? Okay, what if I do - okay, no, not that. How about -

4. Location!
Your cousin just HAD to show up and need a place to crash today. IF WE DO NOT FIND SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

5. Mood-Killer!
I just feel like that picture of your mom is staring at me. :|

6. Surprise!
Hey. You didn't have that cut before. No, I want you to tell me what happened! Did you always have that birthmark? Holy shit! Where did you get THAT scar?

7. How The Hell Do I Say This?!
Hey, honey, you know that thing you do that you think is really sexy and stuff? ...Could you not do it this time?

8. Aww, I'm Sorry, Baby!
DIY space! Pick another number or make up your own!



Taken from the original.


happy new year!

Comments

Time to get Moriarty-ed /goes into corner

[moriarty_hi]

[She'll get a text from him before she's made up her mind.] Do you consider yourself free because you're running?

[the_whip_hand]

[she raises an eyebrow, then replies]

Did you think you owned me because I sent you what you wanted?

[moriarty_hi]

Still worthless either way.

[the_whip_hand]

[Irene's expression turns from smug and self satisfied to just on the edge of nervous. She does know that Jim Moriarty is dangerous, but she's not about to let him see that over texts.]

Is this your way of breaking up with me? Tsk tsk, Jim.

[moriarty_hi]

[See it? He can practically sense it.] Oh, you know me. I can never just settle down.

[the_whip_hand]

Then I shan't be hearing from you again. Goodbye, Jim.

[1/2]

[moriarty_hi]

Toodles!

[2/2] (Picked a destination, if that's okay.)

[moriarty_hi]

Have fun in Chicago.

Absolutely!

[the_whip_hand]

[she leans up and looks around the small plane. No. No, she's being ridiculous. She sits back down.]

I wasn't aware that stalking became part of your manifesto.

[moriarty_hi]

It's pleasure actually; can't have my associates up and leave without a proper farewell.

[the_whip_hand]

I don't need a proper goodbye from you.

[moriarty_hi]

Nonsense. Granted, it's not one from Sherlock, but it'll have to do...

[the_whip_hand]

[she stared at her phone for a long moment, completely unsure as to what to type back. That didn't happen very often.]

Well, Jim. If this is goodbye, then it's been a pleasure. You're my kind of man.

[moriarty_hi]

[And out he comes from the cockpit, with the smugest, smug smirk that was ever smugly smirked.] My acknowledgements shall be made then, dear.

[the_whip_hand]

[she sits up straight, truly startled for a moment, then immediately moves into an actress's relaxed pose]

Personalizing it, are we?

Funny. You're a lot younger than I thought you were.

[moriarty_hi]

[He shoves his hands into his trouser pockets and takes a step forward.] That's people's first mistake. Assuming that they know who I am.

[the_whip_hand]

I don't assume anything. Except that you look very young. Consider it a compliment.

[the last bit is said with a little bit of harshness, similar to a cat hissing a warning out. She's not going to let herself be frightened, even by a man who says he'll make her into shoes.]

[moriarty_hi]

Never said you did; just making general small talk. [His smirk widens with her hiss; really, don't feed into him, Irene. He lives off that.

And, to be fair, she'd be a very lovely pair of shoes.]

[the_whip_hand]

We could talk about the weather.

[she holds up her mobile and punches in a few digits into the weather system before promptly going back to her text messages. She should message Sherlock.]

Cold in Chicago. Heavy wind.

[moriarty_hi]

[His nose scrunches.] Isn't it always? Quite surprised, though, that you're not going to New York. [He flops down into a chair across from her.]

Too cliché for you?

[the_whip_hand]

[she leans forward a bit, trying to portray a woman who isn't at all afraid]

I'm taking a tour of America. Chicago is just the first step.

[moriarty_hi]

Say hi to Rahm Emanuel for me then. [He plucks some stray lint and dust from his Westwood, with a carefully concealed smirk.]

[the_whip_hand]

[slow smirk] I'm actually seeing one of his secretaries, but if I see him in passing, I will.

[moriarty_hi]

Ah, John Lewis, I presume. [He looks up at her with a quirked brow.] Wife, two kiddies, nice house, 40K; likes matches.

[the_whip_hand]

[she straightens. This is starting to make her decidedly uncomfortable.]

Don't you have something to blow up, Jim? My clients aren't your concern.