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1. Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
2. whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
3. It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
4. My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
5. text him?
2. whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
3. It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
4. My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
5. text him?
No. You can't just drop it after telling me something like that.
[ You have a captive audience, Murphy. Look at all that power. ]
[ You have a captive audience, Murphy. Look at all that power. ]
1. ) How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
2. ) I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
3. ) And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now.
4. ) text him!
1. How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
2. Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
3. There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
4. My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
5. text him?
2. Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
3. There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
4. My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
5. text him?
[ Ring, ring, answer your phone, Dean! ]
Why would you wish to be drunk on an airplane?
[ Dean, you have an angel. Just pray to him, jeez. ]
Why would you wish to be drunk on an airplane?
[ Dean, you have an angel. Just pray to him, jeez. ]
1. I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
2. That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
3. Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
4. Text Shelby.
2. That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
3. Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
4. Text Shelby.
1. I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
2. In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier does get you really really drunk.
3. Why did you make a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and email it to me?
4. Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1) why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
5. [ text him ]
2. In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier does get you really really drunk.
3. Why did you make a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and email it to me?
4. Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1) why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
5. [ text him ]
1. You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
2. he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
3. Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
4. I dedicated my morning wood to you.
5. Text him!
2. he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
3. Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
4. I dedicated my morning wood to you.
5. Text him!
kurt wagner [nightcrawler] ❧ x-men: apocalypse ❧ ota for gen/misfires; m/m for ships
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shadowblends
2016-10-15 11:01 am (UTC)(link)
1. I will be the DD but everyone has to call me 'Mistress'.
2. Today, some guy at the mall told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks, I grew it myself." This is why I have trouble making friends.
3. I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
4. [text him!]
2. Today, some guy at the mall told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks, I grew it myself." This is why I have trouble making friends.
3. I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
4. [text him!]
OR I'LL ... I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING. i highly doubt that 'boy scout' is that offending.
1. Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
2. Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
3. I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
4. I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
5. I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
2. Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
3. I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
4. I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
5. I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
1. I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope Scott doesn't need that"
2. She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
3. Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
4. If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my dick inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
5. [ text him ]
2. She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
3. Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
4. If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my dick inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
5. [ text him ]
1. Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
2.Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
3. please come you make the beer taste better
4. i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
5. text him?
2.Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
3. please come you make the beer taste better
4. i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
5. text him?
1. I'm wearing black today mourning the orgasm I couldn't get this morning :(
2. What kind of vibe do I give off that a guy I hardly know thinks it's okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
3. I thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until I sobered up. Oops.
4. I don't even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
5. [ text her ]
2. What kind of vibe do I give off that a guy I hardly know thinks it's okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
3. I thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until I sobered up. Oops.
4. I don't even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
5. [ text her ]
Admittedly, that's a little unsettlingly promising.
[ That's still being nice, right? ]
A taxi. I'm on my way home.
[ That's still being nice, right? ]
A taxi. I'm on my way home.
a. | found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese n tomato. like a block of cheese n whole tomatoes. he was alternating. thats why ur cheese has teeth marks.
b. | really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to
c. | see? told you cheetos don't microwave great
d. | well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. cause I care.
b. | really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to
c. | see? told you cheetos don't microwave great
d. | well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. cause I care.
That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
I. It's my birthday, I should be around people I want to fuck
II. You kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
III. I need you to recap everything for me after "I think I'm gonna try vodka-pong"
IV. AND he cooks. I couldn't say no to breakfast waffles.
Or text him yourself!
II. You kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
III. I need you to recap everything for me after "I think I'm gonna try vodka-pong"
IV. AND he cooks. I couldn't say no to breakfast waffles.
Or text him yourself!
Luckily I don't mind a belated gift. Especially when it's two belated gifts.
1. That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
2. Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
3. How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts!
4. Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction.
5. or text her
2. Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
3. How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts!
4. Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction.
5. or text her
I'll avoid pointing at people then, only at things. And names are universal, I can use those no matter the language.
But I don't really know much sign language, save for all the bad things....
This really isn't panning out, I think I'm going to be stuck with being a phone sex operator.
But I don't really know much sign language, save for all the bad things....
This really isn't panning out, I think I'm going to be stuck with being a phone sex operator.
1. Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
2. And after last night's activities, I am teaching 3 classes of Sunday School in the morning. I feel like I should feel more conflicted.
3. "Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
4. Text her.
2. And after last night's activities, I am teaching 3 classes of Sunday School in the morning. I feel like I should feel more conflicted.
3. "Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
4. Text her.
1. I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
2. Well, it was a little awkward arresting her for disturbing the peace 3 days after the fact, yes.
3. how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
4. Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
5. We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
2. Well, it was a little awkward arresting her for disturbing the peace 3 days after the fact, yes.
3. how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
4. Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
5. We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
1. he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read "Romantic Dinner For 2"
2. you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
3. I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
4. Text Babs
2. you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
3. I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
4. Text Babs
fifty shades of grayson, coming soon to a cinema near you!
seriously, though, barbie. i would've been all for the visual if i knew it was going to be a solo act. just sayin'. but knowing that you're cashing out for a night with dick? not so hot.
[ jason, no. ]
seriously, though, barbie. i would've been all for the visual if i knew it was going to be a solo act. just sayin'. but knowing that you're cashing out for a night with dick? not so hot.
[ jason, no. ]
1. I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
2. you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
3. Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
4. He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
5. [text him!]
2. you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
3. Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
4. He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
5. [text him!]
1. Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says.
2. Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
3. I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
4. For some reason, she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing.
5. text him!
2. Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
3. I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
4. For some reason, she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing.
5. text him!
1. just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
2. how much do souls cost? i feel like i need a new one of those.
3. how drunk is he right now? he just left me a message as batman.
4. goddamnit i hate your level headedness.
5.[ text her ]
2. how much do souls cost? i feel like i need a new one of those.
3. how drunk is he right now? he just left me a message as batman.
4. goddamnit i hate your level headedness.
5.[ text her ]
i don't think i have the kind of qualifications needed for that, honestly.
well, all the way in means you can't be a whiny little bitch when you're trip starts getting scary. grow some balls and face all those little baby teeth bodies like a man.
god, you're hopeless. this was why i kept telling you i should've stayed.
the second rule of taking psychedelics is ALWAYS have someone with you. preferably sober, but highly experienced and under the influence works too.
well, all the way in means you can't be a whiny little bitch when you're trip starts getting scary. grow some balls and face all those little baby teeth bodies like a man.
god, you're hopeless. this was why i kept telling you i should've stayed.
the second rule of taking psychedelics is ALWAYS have someone with you. preferably sober, but highly experienced and under the influence works too.
1) Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over.
2) I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
3) Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
4) he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "sir" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
5) I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. Texas is where i belong
6) text him
2) I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
3) Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
4) he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "sir" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
5) I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. Texas is where i belong
6) text him
Are you sure that you're alright there, Goodnight? Do I need to come and get you?
a) Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says.
b) Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
c) Where you at? Come here and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
d) [text him]
b) Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
c) Where you at? Come here and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
d) [text him]
1. I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
2. Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
3. On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
4. I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
5. Text him?
2. Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
3. On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
4. I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
5. Text him?
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