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1. Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
2. I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
3. The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
4. We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
5. I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
6. Text him!
2. I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
3. The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
4. We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
5. I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
6. Text him!
1. Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
2. I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
3. Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important
4. so explain again why im purple
5. (text her!)
2. I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
3. Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important
4. so explain again why im purple
5. (text her!)
Edited 2016-09-09 18:47 (UTC)
He would probably be willing. I don't think you really want me singing the music of the anything.
1. we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like...for sure.
2. everything is bullshit and i hate everyone.
3. i just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah i think i need you to come get me.
4. in theory, it seemed like it would work.
5. i've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. i'm surviving.
6. [text him!]
2. everything is bullshit and i hate everyone.
3. i just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah i think i need you to come get me.
4. in theory, it seemed like it would work.
5. i've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. i'm surviving.
6. [text him!]
Um... Dad, did you mean to send this to me?
Edited 2016-09-09 19:00 (UTC)
1. HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
2. Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
3. You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
4. Taking body shots off hot Andorians. Get here now.
5. i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
6. Text him!
2. Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
3. You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
4. Taking body shots off hot Andorians. Get here now.
5. i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
6. Text him!
i can't help that i'm the classiest alcoholic anyone has ever seen.
1. I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
2. Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3. I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
4. I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level.
5. [text her!]
2. Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3. I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
4. I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level.
5. [text her!]
Oh tell me you're using that in your vows. I want to see the minister's face when you stand up before the congregation and God proclaim that.
1. The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat.
2. Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting in front of my door filled with porn and peeps?
3. Why is there a cash register on top of the shuttle?
4. they fed me a peach. I was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
2. Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting in front of my door filled with porn and peeps?
3. Why is there a cash register on top of the shuttle?
4. they fed me a peach. I was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
1. I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
2. That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
3. Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
4. I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
2. That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
3. Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
4. I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
1. I have officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
2. I give out orgasms like candy and can fly...how is that not appealing
3. Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black leather pants
4. THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
5. My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
6. Text him!
2. I give out orgasms like candy and can fly...how is that not appealing
3. Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black leather pants
4. THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
5. My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
6. Text him!
1] The inside of my ship is covered in fire extinguishing foam. I’m not sure if I want to know what happened.
2] Remind me never to play cards with a person who has a lightsaber.
3] During negotiations we emptied the liquor stash and broke the bed.
4] Obligatory text him first option.
2] Remind me never to play cards with a person who has a lightsaber.
3] During negotiations we emptied the liquor stash and broke the bed.
4] Obligatory text him first option.
1. If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
2. The copper didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
3. I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
4. How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It went very well thank you, but you are still not even close to being forgiven for that. I don't even want to know where you found those.
1. I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safety when getting laid is on the line.
2. I've decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting.
3. Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
4. I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be allowed in the same room again.
5. Or text him.
2. I've decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting.
3. Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
4. I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be allowed in the same room again.
5. Or text him.
1. You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
2. One of the only things that I remember was the security guard telling me I was too drunk for laser tag...
3. I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we consumed so much.
2. One of the only things that I remember was the security guard telling me I was too drunk for laser tag...
3. I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we consumed so much.
1. September 9th, captain's log. I woke in a daze, unsure of my location.
2. I have Friday night plans! You can confirm as much with my cat. Either of my cats.
3. Well, for starters, I'm drinking vodka from a bell pepper. How is your evening going?
4. No, I brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in, but now everyone loves him!
5. Text him!
2. I have Friday night plans! You can confirm as much with my cat. Either of my cats.
3. Well, for starters, I'm drinking vodka from a bell pepper. How is your evening going?
4. No, I brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in, but now everyone loves him!
5. Text him!
1. Should I be curious about him randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab or just move on with my life?
2. Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
3. I stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. Aren't you proud of me?
2. Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
3. I stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. Aren't you proud of me?
a. So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
b. I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
c. I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
d. Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
or text her.
b. I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
c. I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
d. Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
or text her.
And what makes you think that strategy is going to work?
1. worst night to have a conscience
2. i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
3. The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
4. Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
2. i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
3. The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
4. Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
1. Yes, well, I didn't walk gracefully into these feelings. I stumbled and fell face first.
2. Why is your boyfriend texting me crying about a Disney film? What are you two doing over there?
3. I woke up and sent him a text that says "I'm sorry forever."
4. If you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone, I will never speak to you again. I mean it.
2. Why is your boyfriend texting me crying about a Disney film? What are you two doing over there?
3. I woke up and sent him a text that says "I'm sorry forever."
4. If you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone, I will never speak to you again. I mean it.
Drunk Disney movie night. Bambi's mum died.1. I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
2. I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3. I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
4. TEXT HIM
2. I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3. I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
4. TEXT HIM
My apologies, Master. But I did find her advances rather crude.
1. Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"?
2. Let's get high and only speak French to each other tonight.
3. You asked me to be the big spoon when you passed out on the stairs.
4. Jésus can read your poker face... he is not pleased.
2. Let's get high and only speak French to each other tonight.
3. You asked me to be the big spoon when you passed out on the stairs.
4. Jésus can read your poker face... he is not pleased.
1. The officer asked you how you were getting home and you said "very carefully."
2. Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, I french braided it. I am such a good friend.
3. He tried to commune with the cat by staring at it for over an hour.
4. You called me to come to the bar and pick everyone up but you forgot that I was already there. Buying you another drink.
2. Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, I french braided it. I am such a good friend.
3. He tried to commune with the cat by staring at it for over an hour.
4. You called me to come to the bar and pick everyone up but you forgot that I was already there. Buying you another drink.
So that's why I woke up with all these bobby pins in my hair...BTW I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT THREAD school ate me, i'm gonna hit it up later today if you don't mind
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lightmagic
- 2016-09-09 19:33 (UTC) - ExpandNO WORRIES!! I'm super behind on logs because I was out of town, so hit it up whenever <3
furrylittleproblem
- 2016-09-09 20:01 (UTC) - Expand1. You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
2. I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
3. In theory, it seemed like it would work.
4. Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory.
2. I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
3. In theory, it seemed like it would work.
4. Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory.
a. YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
b. Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
c. When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
d. Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
or text him.
b. Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
c. When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
d. Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
or text him.
I just want a girl who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my school xmas party. Is that too much to ask?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
[ Text Her Instead ]
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
[ Text Her Instead ]
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