bakerstreet | The Toddlers & Tiaras Meme

The Toddlers & Tiaras Meme

Maybe you've always had a child with this person, and you've been doing your best to be a good and competent parent. Oooor, the two of you have ended up with a "daughter" somehow, perhaps out of thin air or a liaison from the past or anything, really. If all that's not hard enough, there's more! For some reason, you have to enter her into America's new favorite pastime: glitz beauty pageants!

In case you haven't seen the Emmy award winning program Toddlers and Tiaras (you're really missing out), a glitz beauty pageant is:

A type of pageant that allows makeup on young children and babies as well as clothing covered in rhinestones. These pageants focus specifically on beauty. The opposite of a glitz pageant would be a natural/ scholarship pageant. Contestants also wear hair extensions, flippers (fake teeth), and are dressed to look much older than they really are.

So you're about to be thrust into the world of glitz, glamour, and crying children. How do you feel? Are you horrified at this exploitation of kids, annoyed you have to be here, or excited to see your little girl take down the competition?

HOW TO PLAY

There are two ways to play!
- AND SUDDENLY, CHILD: You and this person have somehow come into possession of a little girl who is to compete in a pageant.
- AU: This is your actual daughter that the two of you have raised.
Comment with your character, putting your character's name, canon, preferences, etc.
Comment to others and play out the "parents." Handwaving/NPCing the actual child will probably be best, but if you want to bring a third person in, go for it!
If you have a young child character, they may actually be in the pageant.
Though girls are more likely to be in pageants, boys can be, too.

PROMPTS

I want to be a star: For some reason, the little girl you're taking care of is going to be in a pageant. Are you a willing participant, or do you oppose this?
Practice makes perfect: You have to come up with a routine that's sure to wow the judges, and that means time invested.
Preparing for the pageant: Dresses, hair, makeup, oh my! It's a painful process, so it might take both of you to get this done. Don't forget your flipper, because snaggle teeth are not a good look, even on a five year old.
Beauty: Beauty is the most important part of the pageant, and where the bulk of the score comes from. Go out there, support your kid, and hope they don't fall off the stage!
Outfit of choice: This is where their personalities shine through. Any cute costumes go! Just remember that "undead mutant" might not go over well.
Talent: The portion where your little princess gets to show off her superpowers and control over the mortal mind. Or her ability to hoola hoop. Either one.
Crowning: So, who won? Not everyone gets to take home a crown, and you might have to nurse hurt feelings and tiny bruised egos.
After: Build your kid's confidence back up by buying them a pony or taking them to McDonald's.

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[SHE WILL ALWAYS BE AN UNWILLING PARTICIPANT.]

[Steve really doesn't know how he gets roped into these things. He needs to learn how to say NO to Annie's Disney eyes, because the absolute last thing he wants to do is help this little girl prepare for a pageant. He isn't even-- He doesn't know anything about pageants! Or little girls!

He sighs, holding out a blush applicator and a hand on the little girl's shoulder.]

Okay, hold still. [Don't mess it up, Steve.]

[Let's just say Loki has something to do with this and move on, yeah?

So, this little girl, with a mop of blonde curls, is just moving. She won't stand still, and she's jumping on the balls of her feet. Surprisingly, it is from excitement. Not the excitement of the pageant -- 'cause, y'know, fuck beauty pageants --, but the promise of a mountain of ice cream, if she wins, from Snow White (yeah, she's equating Annie to Snow White, okay). She's at the age of three or four, when you're still amazed and excited at everything (BECAUSE EVERYTHING) and, when you watch Disney movies, you don't see sex and dicks everywhere, you see "A Whole New World!"

She hasn't hit the age when she starts to become the cynical, buzzkill, bastard that she eventually becomes. I am talking, of course, about Britta Perry, ladies and gents. She doesn't have the fear of becoming a blow-up doll, yet, and she does not have the memories of her twelfth birthday party, so she doesn't have any problems doing this.

~~Plus, Prince Charming is, like, right in fount of her, and he's really nice, and she's going to marry him one day!~~]

Do you think Snow White will lemme get all the flavours?

[Yeah, Steve, you might have a problem getting her to stand still. SHE'S JUST SO DAMN EXCITED ABOUT THAT ICE CREAM.]

[Every time Steve tries to get close to her with the blush, she moves, and while he's glad he's not getting it everywhere, it's still really frustrating. Why do little girls even need blush? It seems awful to do that.]

I'm sure she will if you stand really still and let me make you look even prettier. [He smiles at her, because that seems to work on people.]

Britta, can you help?

That's not my name! [She is, however, still in the possession of that rebellious "fuck you" attitude and almost inane, passionate pursuit of uniqueness.]

It's Madame Butterfly! D'uh. [No, she has never seen nor heard a note of that opera. But, it sounds pretty and that's all that matters to a three year old girl.]

[Right, of course she is, because she's Britta. Steve nearly sighs but manages not to. Instead he closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them, still smiling. He's going to murder Annie.

Or at least give her a very stern lecture.]

Right. Well, Madame, please, let me make you even prettier?

[Now it's Britta's turn to use Disney Eyes.]

You don't think I'm pretty?

[No, no he was trying to avoid this!]

Of course I do. I think you're beautiful, Madame, but those other people out there, they're evil and mean. And they don't think you're beautiful at all, so we have to show them.

Yeah, fuck them! [Fun fact; little kids are like parrots and Tony Stark should never be around them.]

[Steve's eyes widen and he covers her mouth with a hand. Christ, Tony, watch your language!]

No, no, we don't use those words, okay? You'll get in trouble.

[If him touching her and calling her beautiful is her punishment, she doesn't understand why she needs to watch her language.]

Why?

Because it's not polite to say such things, Br--Butterfly, now please. For me?

Only if you promise to, to marry me. [Britta, you so sly.]

[He grins at that, because oh, Britta is going to be so mad later when she realizes.]

Of course I will. But you have to promise to stay still and not use the bad words.

[Mad will not begin to cover it. As it is, though, Britta grins widely, nodding wildly.]

Okay, I promise. [And, look, she's really trying her best to be a statue, going all Weeping Angel.]

You're doing great. [So he gets all her make up on her, or, at least the makeup he kind of knows how to do and turns around to grab her dress, making a face at it.]

You ready to look like a princess?

No. But for ice cream, yeah. [And she wants the biggest ice cream ever. So much ice cream that not even the combined force of Thor and Steve could finish it. She wants the amount of ice cream that only the Hulk (not Bruce Banner, Bruce when he's Hulking out) could finish.]

Okay. We'll get you ice cream, promise. [He holds out the dress to her, trusting that she can get it on herself -- because he's pretty certain that undressing a little girl is something he shouldn't ever do, even if it's just Britta.]

[No, wait, but what if they ever have a daugh -- I'm joking! I'm joking!

He can at least help her put it on because Britta is in the group of little girls that don't know that dresses can also be put on from the bottom as well. Long story short, Britta's head is a little wider than her legs, so, when she tries to pull the dress on over her head, it, well, gets stuck, and her arms are flailing around.

So, um, help her please? A contestant not fully clothed gets marked down, y'know.]

[He tries really hard to laugh, he does, but it doesn't work, so he's chuckling as he pulls her dress down and fixes it.]

There. Ready?

Yeah, sure. [Taking his hand, she looks up at him and beams.]

[He smiles down at her. She's the sweetest thing he's ever seen, how could he possibly not smile at her? He leads her into the line to go on the stage and lets go.]

I'll be in the audience watching the whole time.

[She frowns, trying to think.] Is, um, that guy... with the funny beard, um, will be be there too? I liked him.

[Only three year old!Britta can like Tony. Regular Britta thinks he's a dick.]

[He won't hold it against her. Against his better judgement, he likes Tony most of the time, too.]

No, but I can call him and he'll go get ice cream with us. Is that ok?

And that wizard too? He was nice.

Wiz-- [Steve squints at her.]

Oh! You mean Thor. He uh- he can come for ice cream too, sure.

[Yeah, the line's moving without her, but she's deep in conversation about ice cream and who's coming with AND GODDAMMIT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PAGEANT.]

Not him. The other guy. He was, um, wearing green and, and, and, he said I was gonna have fun. [And, to Britta's three year old mind, she is.]

[Steve doesn't even notice the line, because Loki.]

Loki. Yeah, I'll make sure he's there.

[Well that just blows her motherfucking mind 'cause she lets out a squee and now she's hugging Steve's leg.

If Loki was going to turn Britta back to her proper age, this would be the perfect time to do it. But, nah. He can wait.]

[SHE IS WEARING AN UNDEAD MUTANT COSTUME AND IT'S FUCKING ADORABLE.]

[...or something else, but. Seriously, I couldn't resist. People other than her canon parents/family are free to handwave or AU into being gaurdians for meme hijinks.]

[ Wolfgang cannot say no to anyone, including six-year-old children who want to win a puppy and a two-foot high tiara. AND THUS, HERE THEY ARE.

Secretly irritated if his child does not win beauty supreme, despite them not even having any of his genes. ]

[Despite Hassan's caution of 'are you sure?', one of the pageant helpers had volunteered as a martial arts mannequin instead of him, to avoid the possibility of cheating. Eventually he'd just smiled, shrugged, kissed his little princess (or prince - he tries, Uri) on the head for good luck and went to re-join the audience.

To Uri, in Arabic:] This is going to be interesting.

[ He responds, likewise: ] What are they doing, anyway? I asked, but they yelled and hit me with a Barbie car and told me to get out, it was a secret.

[ But given that they had to change into a karate uniform for talent, it's safe to say Uri is very alarmed. ]

I think it might have something to do with what I showed them last week, I can't be sure.

[Hassan, you have a pretty good idea of what it is in that case, don't lie.]

Just don't get upset.

[:')]

Whenever you say "don't get upset," one of you does something upsetting.

[ "And now please welcome to the stage, contestant number forty-five... uh..." ]

I like that they can pronounce Mekkaynzee, but not Suheir.

N...ot always.

[Hassan makes a noise in agreement, but lets it go. He's gotten used to this sort of thing in the U.S. (not that it ever really stops bothering him).

At that, a tiny child in a karate uniform steps on stage, long hair tied back and a broad smile on their face. Xe gives a little wave out to the crowd, before taking xir place on the stage next to the adult 'helper' (re: victim). The announcer states the obvious, "Sue-air is going to give us a demonstration in martial arts," in a very William Shatner Showbiz sort of accent.

Suheir gives a polite bow to xir opponent. And then in a five part move that is executed with the skill and speed of a small ninja, the attendant lands on the ground with an increasingly red face while xe lets out a cry of "Kiai!"

And Hassan sits there with the biggest, most proud grin to ever grace the auditorium.]

[ Uri, meanwhile, immediately leaps to the side to go try and do some damage control before someone calls the cops on their poor baby. he has a quick talk with the judges while Suheir bows seriously and then skips off stage, toddling to their mama and then back over to daddy. "mama, baba, did I win??" they ask, beaming. ]

We don't know yet, baby, we have to wait for them to tally the scores. Hey, it's not nice to hit people if they don't know you're going to hit them, okay?

[ "I only hitted him a little bit 'cause they said no swords." ]

I -- wait, who taught you how to use a sword?!

[Hassan scoops up Suheir and sits them on his lap before tiny can ~~land him in more trouble~~ say another word.]

It's not a real sword, baby, you get one of those when you're older. Let's not give Mama a heart attack. ["'kay."] And it doesn't matter what anyone else says, I thought you were amazing.

[There's a lot of squirmy cuddling and then, "Can I get pixiesticks?" ...these are A+ parenting skills.]

[steve is holding a crying little girl, petting her blonde curls and attempting to calm her down. he's pretty sure her make ups smeared all over his shoulder by now.]

It's all right, it's not a big deal-- [aaaand the sobbing only gets louder. WHAT DO.]

[Tony's tapping his foot, looking unimpressed and agitated. Trying his hardest to block out the wailing kid in Steve's arms, he leans over.]

I told you we should've bribed the judges! There's no way that kid with the brown ringlets sang better, they had to have passed money under the table.

[a long suffering sigh.]

That wouldn't have been a fair win, and you know it. There'll be plenty of other competitions.

If everyone else is going to cheat, we have to cheat best!

[A pause. Oh yeah, crying child.]

Also we should probably take her out to eat. We can start working on a strategy for next time. 'Cause we're going to win.

Win or lose, we do it fairly.

Yeah, food sounds good. [he turns his head towards their daughter,] Cheeseburgers?

[the sniffling dies down a little and she nods, still gripping steve's jacket. he nods, then looks back to tony.] Cheeseburgers.

[WHY]

[This is, like, the cutest kid, ever!]

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I'm sorry I'm sorry, too good to pass up-- Suddenly Child and 3

britta hates you; i, on the other hand, less than three you.

oh britta, don't worry. steve will make it up to you.

right, she requires ten gallons of vodka and his body for thirty-six hours.

noted.

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