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1. I just want to fuck Steve until he sees stars.
2. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
3. The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
4. I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
5. Text her
2. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
3. The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
4. I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
5. Text her
1. I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
2. it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
3. On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
4. There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
5. I'm sorry for breaking our door. And to a lesser degree, for being a bitch about it.
6. I have a hickey in my new work ID photo...
2. it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
3. On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
4. There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
5. I'm sorry for breaking our door. And to a lesser degree, for being a bitch about it.
6. I have a hickey in my new work ID photo...
1. Someone signed me up to be a nude model for art class.
2. The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning.
3. Are you still rolling around in the snow?.
4. Pants are for mortals!
5. I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in class yet.
6. Text Bobby!
2. The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning.
3. Are you still rolling around in the snow?.
4. Pants are for mortals!
5. I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in class yet.
6. Text Bobby!
1. I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and researched why it is okay to be single forever
2. I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
3. Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
4. text her
2. I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
3. Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
4. text her
1. I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
2. What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
3. Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
4. Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
5. Oh man. I am buzzed, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a realm.
2. What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
3. Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
4. Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
5. Oh man. I am buzzed, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a realm.
1. i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
2. I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
3. I take it you're alive?
4. do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
5. text her
2. I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
3. I take it you're alive?
4. do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
5. text her
1. Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
2. Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
3. You came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
2. Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
3. You came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
a. We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say babe you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
b. Acid is not a Monday night drug.
c. Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face in the emergency room, it's officially Spring Break.
d. He's doing fine. He just headbutted the wall and threw up.
1) I woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger. If this was Las Vegas, I'd be worried.
2) He made me feel like a shish kabob. His dick was the skewer.
3) Not trying to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
4) Text her!
2) He made me feel like a shish kabob. His dick was the skewer.
3) Not trying to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
4) Text her!
1) I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots. Best compliment ever?
2) My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
3) If my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speeches for the Oscar, the Heisman and the Nobel peace prize.
4) Text her!
2) My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
3) If my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speeches for the Oscar, the Heisman and the Nobel peace prize.
4) Text her!
1) I have like two friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect?
2) I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
3) You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM.
4) Text her!
2) I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
3) You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM.
4) Text her!
1. I'm talking to a corgi on tinder... wtf has my life come to
2. She went into my room and sang to my cat for three hours... she actually has a beautiful voice...
3. She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
4. I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
5. Text your bartender.
2. She went into my room and sang to my cat for three hours... she actually has a beautiful voice...
3. She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
4. I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
5. Text your bartender.
1. How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night...
2. This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now...
3. if I can salvage this and still somehow see you naked I feel like that's a win.
4. Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
5. text him!
2. This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now...
3. if I can salvage this and still somehow see you naked I feel like that's a win.
4. Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
5. text him!
1. we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
2. He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow.
3. Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
4. You know what I'd love more than anything right now? ...a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy.
5. text him!
2. He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow.
3. Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
4. You know what I'd love more than anything right now? ...a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy.
5. text him!
1. The number of times I think "I don't care" while people are talking to me is really getting out of hand.
2. The horrifying moment when you look around for an adult and realize you are one.
3. IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER
YOU GOTTA tell me really explicitly because I can't tell when people are actually flirting with me.
4. We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time.
2. The horrifying moment when you look around for an adult and realize you are one.
3. IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER
YOU GOTTA tell me really explicitly because I can't tell when people are actually flirting with me.
4. We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time.
1. He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
2. If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
3. He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
4. text him!
2. If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
3. He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
4. text him!
1. I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
2. DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
3. You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter
4. text him!
2. DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
3. You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter
4. text him!
Edited 2016-06-25 01:16 (UTC)
1. Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so I'm assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi.
2. Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
3. I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda.
4. Text him!
2. Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
3. I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda.
4. Text him!
1. pretty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower
2. bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here
3. I turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
4. Text her!
2. bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here
3. I turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
4. Text her!
1. I may seem like an angry person on the surface but deep inside im actually angrier.
2. im just so glad the word 'ugh' was invented.
3. 90% of my life is me making an irritated face.
4. Relationship status: generally annoyed with one another but also turned on.
2. im just so glad the word 'ugh' was invented.
3. 90% of my life is me making an irritated face.
4. Relationship status: generally annoyed with one another but also turned on.
1) How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
2) Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
3) Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
2) Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
3) Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
1. I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
2. Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
3. I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
4. or text her!
2. Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
3. I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
4. or text her!
1. It's going to be like a slumber party but with alcohol.
2. I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes!
3. Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
4. It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Remilia or God.
5. [text her]
2. I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes!
3. Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
4. It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Remilia or God.
5. [text her]
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