[he starts to relax at the feeling of Snake's fingers on the back of his neck, closes his eyes. maybe he's selfishly trying to pretend for a moment that things are the way they used to be. maybe this is the only place things have felt like they might be okay, like Kaz might be okay--]
[that's probably it. the Phantom's arms had felt the same way, before Kaz had found out the truth and wheeled on him the next time he'd tried to touch him, realized he'd shown more of himself than he'd ever wanted to show anyone, even Snake, to a stranger and made the Phantom call him Miller when they were alone and avoided his very presence until the wound scabbed over and he could look at the Phantom again without hating him. but knowing what he knows now, if the Phantom really was a psychological copy, he likely loved Kaz too. and as he realizes that, Kaz feels a little guilty. but not much. a kiss from the Phantom would turn to ashes in his mouth now. having anyone but the real one, the one he'd fought and bled with, no matter how convincing a replica was just... insulting. not right. made his skin crawl and the back his head scream 'LIAR'.]
[--but it's real this time, unless it isn't, and honestly, he's not sure what he'll do if it isn't. he wraps his fingers in Snake's jacket to try and convince himself of the reality of the situation, which doesn't work. but Snake smells strongly of cigars, as always, and that's somehow grounding.]
It was... Do you know how many times-- screw the fact that Diamond Dogs was a wreck without you to lead them --I'd have killed an innocent person just to talk to you for five minutes? To use you as a sounding board for battle tactics. To ask you the best way to talk down a mutiny. To ask you if you'd heard of some famous general I'd just finished reading about, and what you thought of him. To just sit there in goddamn silence and have a smoke with you.
And I'm not trying to throw this on you, don't apologize, it's just... shit, Snake. I had it bad for you. Really, really bad. Maybe that was why I could never let go, why I couldn't give up on you waking up and move on. I've never loved anyone like that, not ever. Not even close.
I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. Running my mouth because I don't know what else to do, maybe. What do we do? Where do we go from here? What are you trying to do with Outer Heaven?
no subject
[that's probably it. the Phantom's arms had felt the same way, before Kaz had found out the truth and wheeled on him the next time he'd tried to touch him, realized he'd shown more of himself than he'd ever wanted to show anyone, even Snake, to a stranger and made the Phantom call him Miller when they were alone and avoided his very presence until the wound scabbed over and he could look at the Phantom again without hating him. but knowing what he knows now, if the Phantom really was a psychological copy, he likely loved Kaz too. and as he realizes that, Kaz feels a little guilty. but not much. a kiss from the Phantom would turn to ashes in his mouth now. having anyone but the real one, the one he'd fought and bled with, no matter how convincing a replica was just... insulting. not right. made his skin crawl and the back his head scream 'LIAR'.]
[--but it's real this time, unless it isn't, and honestly, he's not sure what he'll do if it isn't. he wraps his fingers in Snake's jacket to try and convince himself of the reality of the situation, which doesn't work. but Snake smells strongly of cigars, as always, and that's somehow grounding.]
It was... Do you know how many times-- screw the fact that Diamond Dogs was a wreck without you to lead them --I'd have killed an innocent person just to talk to you for five minutes? To use you as a sounding board for battle tactics. To ask you the best way to talk down a mutiny. To ask you if you'd heard of some famous general I'd just finished reading about, and what you thought of him. To just sit there in goddamn silence and have a smoke with you.
And I'm not trying to throw this on you, don't apologize, it's just... shit, Snake. I had it bad for you. Really, really bad. Maybe that was why I could never let go, why I couldn't give up on you waking up and move on. I've never loved anyone like that, not ever. Not even close.
I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. Running my mouth because I don't know what else to do, maybe. What do we do? Where do we go from here? What are you trying to do with Outer Heaven?