bakerstreet | When I see you again

[Could be either depending on situation.]

[m/m preferred. Goes either direction.]

[Alan tapping on his door because he's not coping on Earth and doesn't know anyone else to go to?]

[YOU REALLY WANTED TO DO THIS ONE, HUH, okay.]

It's too quiet in this world. I can't say I hate it- it's beautiful in it's own way. So many colors and brightness, especially. And during the day I can tough it out. There's color enough, and sound, and the sensation of the sun and what I now understand is what Makoto always meant by 'biting' cold. But at night, I lose too many of those things and I'm just left with the cold, which feels familiar and foreign at once, and it's liable to drive me mad.

I could go back. But to go back, I would have to submit to questioning- by either Adel, or my father, and I don't want to deal with either of them. They already think me weak, and odd, and strange. Unlovable, distinctly. But to think I'm a coward, unable to handle the strange quiet of the human world?

Not on their lives or their thrones.

Which leaves me with one option. It's not a perfect option, but the tug on my left hand is leading me almost against my will, until I find myself facing a certain door, and I know he lies on the other side, I can feel the heat and pressure of his forefinger as clearly as if he had it wrapped around my own smallest finger- our rings are family, they call to each other.

I'm amazed he still wears it. But strangely thankful, as I lift that same hand, and use my signet to knock on the door. Just once. Either he'll answer, or I'll come to my senses.

[IF YOU DON'T WANT TO THAT'S OKAY]

I sit up abruptly.

Kanon's in the hospital again, just for exhaustion. I'm concerned about her, but the doctors - and Kanon - made me come back to these small rooms that we're renting, to rest. I've been lying here for about fifteen minutes, trying to sleep. Failing.

Except there's a pull on my finger. I look down at it, stupidly. I know what it is.

I swallow, and pad to the door barefoot just as he taps on it.

...there he is. I look at him with the doorhandle in my hand, then step back almost automatically to allow him in. "...Alan."

[I NEVER SAID THAT I absolutely want to.]

I'm about to turn away when he opens the door. He only looks at me for a moment, barely looks at me before he's taking a step back, pulling the door with him, allowing me passage into his home.

It's familiar. So familiar. I close my eyes for a moment, taking a breath of the cold air, so very different from the thick air in my world. He could breath it, but I know it burned his throat. This air is too thin. I feel lightheaded all the time.

I open my eyes again and look up at him, ducking my head and then stepping into his home.

"I'm sorry."

[OKAY XD]

I... I never thought I'd see him again. Not like this. Not after everything that's been happening between us.

I don't think he's here to attack.

He takes in a breath, and I can see, I can see how it's messing him up. Just like it did for me on his world. He's been hiding that from me a lot, I think. Trying to appear stronger than he is... for various reasons.

Right now he just looks tired.

"I don't understand," I say helplessly, at a loss. But I close the door behind him anyway, and usher him through. "You... you need something? Tell me what you need."

Doesn't matter how angry he is at me. If he needs something. I want to help.

He's surprised to see me here. I can't blame him. I've attacked him too often, stood by and allowed Javert to attack him... And I can't stop my plans.

But he's let me into his home, where he sleeps. I hope he sleeps. I shouldn't even know this place, but he hasn't taken off his ring, and I haven't taken off mine. I'm just usually able to ignore the pull that leads me to him- that I gave him so I could find him no matter what.

He doesn't accept my apology, but I suppose he shouldn't have. It's not fair of me to expect forgiveness. I stop part way into the house and turn around to face him again. My hand darts out before I really realize it, hooking my smallest finger around his forefinger. I let go almost as soon as I've grabbed him, and turn away again, hanging my head and rubbing both hands over my face.

"I should go. I shouldn't bother you here."

I shake my head, but the next words come out before I can stop them. "Is Kanon here? Is she alright?"

He doesn't look angry at me, like he usually is these days.

I still shouldn't've let him in. I should be more cautious, like Takeru-tachi would say. Not... unkind. Just cautious. But I can't manage that around him. Everything fails around him.

He grabs my finger, just for a moment, then lets go.

"If you're... if you're not here to try to kill me, you can stay," I say quietly. "Ah. Kanon's not here just now."

I hate it, but I can't bring myself to say exactly where she is. I'll risk myself no matter what, for him. I won't risk her.

"She'll be fine."

He looks so guarded, but only in the way I grew to recognize, the face he put on for others of my kind. My father, my brother, even the run of the mill footmen. He kept himself guarded from them all, and none of them bothered to understand him. None of them cared.

It's been a long time since he looked at me with that shuttered gaze.

"I don't want to kill you." The words slip out of me, here in the one place I can admit the truth freely. "I never have."

I wince, because I can imagine. He doesn't have to tell me- that he isn't telling me tells me all I need to know. She's not here, so she must be in triage- hospital. Whatever they call it.

"I'm sorry." I say again, turning away once more. I lift my hands, touching my ring. I should take it off. I should give it to him.

I haven't seen him looking so unguarded for a long time.

This is almost like how he used to look, around me. Back on his world.

I make a noise when he says that. I don't want him to want to kill me. But what does he mean? I've angered him. Badly. And he keeps attacking me!

...

Shit.

I put a hand on his shoulder. Is he shaking? "Stop apologising," I say, voice full of gravel. "You're here because it hurts, on this world. Aren't you."

I try so hard not to turn around when he makes that noise, a sort of choking sound of... disbelief and concern and possibly even fear.

I can't help it. He's everything to me, he has been since we met and it's only getting worse the longer I have to go without seeing him, the longer I have to pretend and keep up appearances and keep hurting him.

I turn, looking up at him, and I try at least to control my expression. Not let my emotions carve my face into giving away more than I want.

His hand lands on my shoulder and I can't help but wince, not because it hurts. His hand is the only thing that feels safe for a moment.

"I didn't want to disturb you."

When he came to me, when he felt like this in my world, it was different. He couldn't leave, though he shouldn't be there, didn't belong. This is different. I don't have to be here, on his world. I'm an invader, not a refugee.

He twitches. What's he feeling right now? I wish I knew. But I've clearly never been very good at reading him. I knew things would go badly when I deceived him. I didn't know they'd go this badly.

I want him to stay.

I want him to go before I fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.

He turns, and his eyes are... pained. I think. Oh, gosh, he has such beautiful eyes.

"If you're in need, then you're not disturbing me," I say awkwardly. "I owe you. No matter what. No matter how angry you are at me."

He's impossible. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep torturing myself with his presence, I can't keep tormenting him.

I can't imagine life without him, not anymore.

"You owe me nothing." I have to spit the words- not because they're not true, but because I want nothing more than to accept his words as they are, I want him to hold me and forgive me and... Not come home with me. But I can't make a home with him here.

I may have protected him for a long time in my world, but he kept me alive.

"I'm not angry at you!" I snap, and it of course comes out with as much venom and anger as I'm capable of expressing. Which isn't a lot, in my world, but feels like it's shattering something peaceful when it's just him, and me, and the quiet of this stupid planet.

"I miss you," and again, words I can't control, tearing their way out of my throat against my will.

...this is a small, barely furnished place. Neat enough, but very bare. As much as I could afford for now. And it's suddenly striking me how much it reminds me of where we lived while we were in Alan's world.

My gaze is troubled as he tells me I don't owe him anything. Bullshit. Complete bullshit. He did so much for me - for us - in his world. And all it got him was a pissy Rider who then betrayed him.

My chin comes up, and I - barely - don't back away when he snaps at me. Yes. Absolutely, Alan. I believe every word. I'm poised, ready to call my belt and transform if I have to, even though I know I can't beat Necrom alone.

......but then he says that.

"Let me," I say roughly, trying to mirror what he used to tell me. I tug him into an embrace, wrapping my arms around him. He used to touch me to help me tune everything out. Maybe if I touch him, I can help him feel more... more real.

The rooms are small and sparse, and while it's all a lot smoother and more... human, it's also strangely familiar.

I can tell I almost startle him when I raised my voice, but he's so strong, and he's not afraid of me. I hope. I don't want him to be, I didn't ever want him to be. Afraid of Adel, afraid of my father, afraid of my entire world and the life I led, but not of me.

But he doesn't back away, he steps closer like a fool, an insufferable fool who I can't stay away from. He pulls on me and pulls himself to me in the same motion and puts his arms around me, and things feel right for a moment. Just a moment. It doesn't last, and I let a shaky breath out against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted any of this."

He lets me hold him. It's a miracle. (It's a tragedy.)

I swallow, very uncomfortable. I want to... to help him. I don't want to think about all of that. But I suppose there's not much choice.

"You don't have to explain."

My hand's in his hair.

Each moment that passes becomes more comfortable. My mind clears of everything but him, my skin buzzes with his proximity and I feel alive again, I feel like I can breathe, like when I breathe and he's there and I'm breathing him in, I'm getting a full breath for the first time in so long...

"I shouldn't have come here. I don't belong here. This is your home..." I'm mumbling, rambling now. I feel light headed still, but in the different way, in the overwhelmingly heady way of more air than I knew I could even have.

"But I couldn't stay away."

He's breathing more easily, and I'm glad. So glad. He shouldn't be in pain like that. Like this world's trying to push him out.

(Same as his wanted to do to me.)

I want to ask him what's going on. I want to ask just what he's planning. If he can ever not hate me again. If we can ever be friends again, properly.

But what comes out is a soft, "You can come here any time you need me."

He's quiet for a while, and I take it for what it is. Holding him. Having him. For just now. It will be over soon enough. I can't have him forever. I never could. But right now...

Then he speaks, and a shudder runs through me.

"You know that isn't true."

There's a long shudder through him, and it makes me realise just how long it's been since I've been close to him when he hasn't been trying to hit me.

I hate this.

I love this.

"It's completely true," I say firmly, realising that I'm right as I say it. "No matter what happens between us. You're... you're safe here."

As long as he doesn't hurt Kanon. But he knows that.

I just want him back. I just want him at my side, as he was there... I could maybe survive in this hell world if I had him.

I can't ask that of him, but I'm allowed to dream.

"I'm not safe anywhere. I can't keep doing this to you. Disrupting your life."

I hate that his family's making him do all of this. He should just be able to exist here. To have some freedom, to find out who he wants to be without all that pressure on him.

To be with me.

"This is much less disruptive than when you're trying to kill me," I suggest uncertainly. Of their own accord, my hands are running over him gently. I don't know if it's helpful at all. Stroking his hair, stroking down over his shoulders, his back. Firm careful pressure.

I have responsibilities. The only thing that has kept me alive this long is something to do. I have been protecting him for so long, and then when I was called, as the one who knew the humans, to plan and create infrastructure for the invasion... I had to.

They would not hesitate to have my executed.

"I told you already." My voice is soft and shaking, I can't control it. His hands moving across my shoulders and around my back and through my hair all filling the parts of my mind that, without him, echo emptily. "I don't want to kill you."

Hawke | Dragon Age 2 & Inquisition | M/F

Alan | Kamen Rider Ghost

Re: Alan | Kamen Rider Ghost

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elena fisher | uncharted series | m/f