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a. seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank”
b. the guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
c. idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
or text him.
b. the guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
c. idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
or text him.
1. My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
2. I spy something regrettable...
3. She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
4. Text her
2. I spy something regrettable...
3. She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
4. Text her
Backseat and front? Well at least you're thorough. Can attest from personal experience that those pine scented air fresheners are a hell of a lot stronger than you might think. Maybe give one a try if you get tired of driving around in eau d'coitus.
Edited 2015-12-11 19:34 (UTC)
1.) I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night...
2.) This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
3.) Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how things are going.
4.) I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance...
5.) I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was probably born on a Monday.
6.) Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
7.) Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
8.) [Text him?]
2.) This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
3.) Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how things are going.
4.) I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance...
5.) I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was probably born on a Monday.
6.) Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
7.) Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
8.) [Text him?]
[Michael knew that this was probably a misfire. The question in his mind wasn't whether or not his brother actually wanted to talk to him about his sex drive, but who the text was actually for.
At least he didn't feel especially embarrassed or bashful about this subject, even if it was a bit awkward.]
Ah..I'm sure you didn't mean to send this to me, Devil, but, if you want, I could always pick up a few sex toys or erotic novels for you to enjoy. May I ask who this text was for though?
At least he didn't feel especially embarrassed or bashful about this subject, even if it was a bit awkward.]
Ah..I'm sure you didn't mean to send this to me, Devil, but, if you want, I could always pick up a few sex toys or erotic novels for you to enjoy. May I ask who this text was for though?
1. I stole an accordion from the bar
-Accidentally
-I'm having regrets about stealing the accordion
2. Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
3. I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
4. Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
-Accidentally
-I'm having regrets about stealing the accordion
2. Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
3. I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
4. Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
1. The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
2. I think I am going to devote my summer to making these cats internet celebrities.
3. What's the appropriate "I've been inside you, but we're not technically dating" Valentine's present?
4. I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
2. I think I am going to devote my summer to making these cats internet celebrities.
3. What's the appropriate "I've been inside you, but we're not technically dating" Valentine's present?
4. I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
1. I keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
2. He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
3. Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend.
4. You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
2. He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
3. Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend.
4. You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
1. Why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall?
2. I am not willing to donate my body to this sad excuse for an experiment. Do you even have a hypothesis?
3. Send Fitz a text.
2. I am not willing to donate my body to this sad excuse for an experiment. Do you even have a hypothesis?
3. Send Fitz a text.
Of course I have a hypothesis, Fitz. I'm a scientist, not a sadist.
1. For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex.
2. I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home.
3. I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
4. Text him.
2. I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home.
3. I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
4. Text him.
I'm happy you found a place where you can listen to that until your ears fall off, dear brother.
Edited 2015-12-11 22:18 (UTC)
1. Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place
2. You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
3. I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
4. You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
5. Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
2. You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
3. I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
4. You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
5. Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
1.) Putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my lower region in a warm blanket.
2.) When breakfast is a rum & coke at the Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day.
3.) Gentlemen don't puke and tell.
4.) I am sitting in my underwear, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching brother. My day is going great.
5.) [Text him?]
2.) When breakfast is a rum & coke at the Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day.
3.) Gentlemen don't puke and tell.
4.) I am sitting in my underwear, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching brother. My day is going great.
5.) [Text him?]
[Of all the texts he was expecting to get, Michael..hadn't expected to receive a text from his past self. From before he smashed his phone and went to be with Devil and Enoch. And, from the sound of it, from..before Devil changed his name. Back when Lucifel called himself Lucifel and was still an Angel.
So, with a heavy heart, Michael texted himself back.]
I'm glad that you and your brother are enjoying yourselves, but..it might be best if you got dressed. I'm sure you're cold in just your underwear.
So, with a heavy heart, Michael texted himself back.]
I'm glad that you and your brother are enjoying yourselves, but..it might be best if you got dressed. I'm sure you're cold in just your underwear.
1.) But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some coffee.
2.) I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor.
3.) And I just got smacked in the face by a cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
4.) The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
5.) [Text her?]
2.) I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor.
3.) And I just got smacked in the face by a cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
4.) The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
5.) [Text her?]
[ one after another bc this is tfln and anyone can text-- ]
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having regrets about stealing the accordion1 — i searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as i am, has probably gone off and tastes like shit. i don't care any more. it has come to this
2 — i'm downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. don't find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull
3 — you should know two things about me... 1. i am highly sexual and 2. i am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate
2 — i'm downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. don't find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull
3 — you should know two things about me... 1. i am highly sexual and 2. i am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate
Is that something the world needs? I haven't watched all of Breaking Bad yet.
i. I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
ii. Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
iii. It's the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky.
iv. I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me £ 20.
v. Text her.
ii. Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
iii. It's the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky.
iv. I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me £ 20.
v. Text her.
I FOUND YOU AGAIN, your Evie is so lovely ;A; (iii)
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standingonmyneck
2015-12-11 10:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Now don't leave a girl hanging with a text like that. What limbs and why.
1. The number of threesomes I have "agreed" to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk.
2. He told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead.
3. I need to immerse myself in a tub of hydrogen peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
4. Your shirt... was in my pants.
2. He told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead.
3. I need to immerse myself in a tub of hydrogen peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
4. Your shirt... was in my pants.
So long as you're okay with that, I guess? If not you should probably insist that he calls you by your name.
1.) If the world ends and I have no vodka please just kill me.
2.) Taking care of drunk people almost fulfills my need to be a father.
3.) I have bruises all over my legs. Did I trip over my robes and fall down the stairs yesterday?
4.) If you hear death cries, that's me singing. Just let me be.
5.) [Text him?]
2.) Taking care of drunk people almost fulfills my need to be a father.
3.) I have bruises all over my legs. Did I trip over my robes and fall down the stairs yesterday?
4.) If you hear death cries, that's me singing. Just let me be.
5.) [Text him?]
If the world ends you'll text me and I'll bring vodka.
Unless you're a minor.
Unless you're a minor.
1 — it hurts to hear and i can smell shapes.
2 — unfortunately, the bilbo baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch golden girls
3 — pounding your chest saying "me tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
2 — unfortunately, the bilbo baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch golden girls
3 — pounding your chest saying "me tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
(deleted comment)
Ugh, who is it this time? I can come get you if you need it.
My question is: Is the raccoon standing on two legs and does it have a machine gun
worthit
- 2015-12-12 00:21 (UTC) - Expand1. She eyed me up across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex"
2. 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
3. I swear to God if you fuck my sister I will fuck your mother.
4. Every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
5. You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
6. TEXT HIM
2. 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
3. I swear to God if you fuck my sister I will fuck your mother.
4. Every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
5. You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
6. TEXT HIM
i'm like lightning okay and maybe i just sort of got lucky >.<
deepseated
- 2015-12-11 22:25 (UTC) - Expand
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