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The Gold Saucer Meme

You're at Gold Saucer. Gold Saucer! One of the most famous amusement parks ever, filled with games and adventure and party members and secrets just waiting to be discovered! This is going to be awesome!

"But what can you do here?" you might be asking. Well, let's check out the map...

Alright.

1. You can chill at Wonder Square. That's where you'd find the bulk of the arcade games, get silly prizes...like, if there's a stuffed chocobo plushie you're trying to win, you'll probably win it there. It's also a good place to meet new people and/or get your fortune told. You know, it's one of those good meeting places.

2. Or you could go to Battle Square. For the low, low, low price of 10 GP you get to enjoy an intense and really realistic fighting game, in which you go through subsequent rounds of fighting with escalating difficulty and arbitrary status effects being dropped on your party for no particular reason. For the more active types.

3. Or you could go race chocobos. Are you a jockey or otherwise involved in racing chocobos, like a chocobo stablehand, or are you more of a spectator? Either way, it's cutthroat and there's rumors that less savory people are racing in a bid to win their freedom, but that's obvious nonsense. But it's still very competitive.

4. Or you could go to the Event Square. Generally speaking, nothing's going on, but through a wacky set of circumstances we know as meme magic you'll find that your arrival timed perfectly and you'll be asked to participate in a silly play. The default is Princess Rosa being kidnapped by the Evil Dragon King Valvados, and the hero Alfred is sent to rescue her. But...well, that's just the default option. Go with whatever sort of play makes you happy.

5. If you're tired there's also Ghost Square, aka the haunted house/obligatory hotel. Yes, it's a haunted house hotel. Ill fated phasmophobiacs beware. You will not sleep.

6. But hey. If you're unable to sleep there's always Round Square, with gondolas, scenic fireworks, a pristine view of Gold Saucer in all of its glittering glory, maybe some...kissing?

7. There's also Speed Square, which consists of a roller coaster shooter that's basically what you get if you mix a roller coaster with laser tag. Good times!

8. And finally, there's dodging security because you pissed them off just that much. Had problems with the exchange rate? Screwed up the play at Event Square that much? Took Battle Square too seriously and accidentally assaulted an employee? Whatever the case may be...run. Run!

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They still shouldn't be that fast at using them! That's just not fair at all and--whoops! Two more, right on their tail. These guys are good, he has to give them that. Even if they can't catch up, they're keeping up.

It makes Zack grin a bit, more than Kunsel's empty threat could ever make him pout, as he alters his course towards the hub instead. Now, they could head for the exit and just get out of here...or they could try to lose the guards in the crowd instead. And isn't that an idea? Oh, yeah. He's going for it.

"Head for the Square! We'll lose 'em in there!"

Kunsel could point out that Zack could be that fast, too, if he, you know, practiced using his PHS. Kunsel would even be willing to volunteer to help him practice, too! (Seriously, talk to him, buddy. He wants to hear everything.)

But they're a little busy right now, so that suggestion will have to wait.

It's almost on the tip of his tongue to ask which Square (there's six others besides the one they're in, you doof!) but you know what? Never mind. He's just going to follow Zack's lead and hop into whichever slide he picks.

It occurs to him as they're sliding to the Event Square that he's getting way too used to following Zack's lead when he stirs up insanity.

But the Event Square... "Good thinking!" There's plenty of people here to hide their presence. In fact, people seem to be gathering for some kind of performance. Even better for them! "Stop running and let's see if we can blend in!"

The suggestion's probably going to have to wait until they're off KP duty, which is what's doubtlessly going to happen once Angeal catches wind of this; Kunsel may not be his student in the way that Zack is, but Commander Hewley is terrifying in ways that those guards still dogging them will never be.

Not nearly as disconcerting as Zack's ideas, though. Commander Hewley wouldn't ever have them considering jumping off a small cliff and into the sea the way Zack had that one time they were out by Junon. Most of his 'good thinking' is just as reckless as his bad...but the crowd parts for the runners anyway, and he hunches down so his spikes don't show. Once Kunsel is in earshot of a whisper, however, he points to the stage.

"Head for the back. We could slip out through there or wait these guys out."

Just so long as they're not in the crowd when it thins. They're already getting a few looks! ...Or no, because that's just him. Kunsel's much too well behaved to get looks like Zack does.

Kunsel's getting a few looks, too, Zack. What do you expect when two SOLDIER Seconds are running through a crowd? Kunsel offers a weak wave a reassuring smile to the people looking at them, then reaches out to try to snag Zack's arm. It seems like that's the only way he's going to get his friend to slow down.

"Got it," he whispers back. "Just try to act natural. We don't want anyone to think they have any reason to stop us."

Fortunately, the stage hands all appear to be busy- oh. Looks like they're about to start a play. Perfect. That should provide plenty of chaos behind the curtains for them to slip through. As impromptu plans go, it's a pretty good plan.

Too bad it never has a chance.

"You two!"

Uh oh. Spotted by the man dressed like a king!

Ah, shoot. So much for getting through unnoticed! Act natural, huh? Zack flinches a bit, like a kid with his hand caught in the sweets jar, but slowly begins to stand. Even at fifteen, he still stands a good head taller than a lot of people around here. If the guards run past, they're going to get spotted.

Act natural. Right.

"Us?" When the man nods, Zack all but railroads over him before he can speak again. "Sorry, man, but we're kind of in a hurry. Maybe next time."

For whatever it is he's just going to keep walking, not bothering to pull free of Kunsel. Stick close, man. They just gotta keep moving...

"You better believe you're in a hurry," the fake king growls, glaring ominously and planting himself right in their path. "You two were supposed to be here five minutes ago! The whole play's waiting for you!"

"But-" With a rising sense of alarm, Kunsel tries to cut in, only to get interrupted by a large, ornate prop sword getting shoved into his face. There's one getting shoved into Zack's hands, too.

"No buts!" the king barks. "Now move it, move it, move it!" He circles around faster than a man that big has any right to move and starts herding them straight toward the stage.

The thought that they're SOLDIER crosses through Zack's mind as he's also handed a sword, the feel of it all off. They could easily force their way around him, slip past the curtain and head straight on out of here, regardless of the prop swords and how off balance they feel.

But the entire idea of coming into this part of the Saucer was to avoid attention, not draw more of it. Making a run for it is going to draw attention to them, and so Zack sends a helpless look in Kunsel's direction even as he's forced to keep moving. Nothing to do about it, buddy. Just gotta do it. But even so...

"What's the play? We don't know the lines!"

...No really they don't this could be just a case of mistaken identity.

Inexplicably, several other actors nearby burst into laughter at Zack's protest. "Good one!" someone calls out.

Even the king flashes Zack a grin before clapping him hard on the shoulder. "There we go. That's the right attitude! Just don't forget that and you'll do fine."

What? Kunsel catches the helpless look Zack sends his way, and shoots him one of his own. "But we don't know the lines," he tries to back Zack up, in case they're just not taking Zack seriously.

"That's all right," the king says cheerfully. "None of us do!" And just to emphasize his point, he gives them one last shove - right onto the stage. Right in front of the crowd.

A crowd with a pair of guards prowling along the edges. Kunsel gulps any other protests down. But now what do they do? They can't just stand there frozen, right? Crap, crap, crap. Kunsel silently swears as the crowd quiets down, and all eyes but the guards' fix on them.

This is just so not cool! If they make any sort of move away from here, the guards will notice, likely call in back up, and they'll be running again. No way Angeal would miss that ruckus if by some miracle he's missed this one.

They...really don't have a choice here. With one more helpless look at his best friend--if he'd known this was going to be a thing he'd have turned them towards the chocobos!--Zack forces himself to turn away, back to the actors, as the play begins. A man in a brown, nondescript cloak, steps to the front, hands spread as if to welcome the audience and yet not take up their notice.

"Long, long ago...an evil shadow appeared over the peaceful kingdom of Galdia. Princess Rosa, light of the kingdom's people, was kidnapped by the Evil Dragon King, Valvados. Her father, the great King Leonis, summoned all the knights from all the realms with a single request: find my daughter, and return her to me! You shall be rewarded with your hearts desire!"

He lowers his arms, stepping away as if to clear the field, but gestures to the grand man in his kingly costume...and at the pair of SOLDIERs standing there, still a bit stunned.

"And yet," the man continues, "Only two answered the call. Good King Leonis did not know what to make of these men, warriors from another realm that they were."

And if that wasn't a quip at the two of them standing out in their uniforms, Zack'll eat his boots. But the King actor steps forward, the sternest of looks on his face. They're in it now, and regardless of a lack of a proper script, there's an act to follow. Only question is, a part of Zack's mind quips, should they follow it or just change it so they can try to bolt?

In Zack's moment of indecision, Kunsel steps forward, taking a breath as he goes. He's no actor, but he knows how to talk to people, at least. Maybe that can serve well enough. "My king!" he calls out, raising his voice for the audience to hear. "We heard your call and came! We do not fear the Dragon King! Tell us where he is, and we will go!"

Maybe with some luck, the king would send them off stage, giving them a chance to make their escape.

In the mean time, Kunsel keeps his eyes on the guards who are searching through the crowd. So far they seem to be ignoring the play. They're probably well used to the actors' antics by now and consider the whole cast and crew unimportant to the mission they're on right now. That could change, though. All it would take is one guard looking up and realizing two of the actors are dressed in costumes that are a little too good for the play they're in. Costumes that look familiar. Really, there's too many things that could tip these guys off. Kunsel swallows, trying not to let his nervousness shows, then elbows Zack in the ribs.

Come on, say a line!

He's thinking, darn it! Don't rush him!

But in the end, it doesn't matter that Zack can't think of something in the next two seconds, or that their uniforms don't quite match up with the aesthetic the other actors are dressed in. The King looks at them, eyes growing firm in his role, before he sweeps his arms open as if to welcome them into an embrace.

"Great Knights from across the realms! I implore you: travel west, face down the Dragon King and return my beloved daughter to me! Rescue her from the Dragon's mountain lair, and there shall be a reward for you!"

He stops there, a lull in the action, and Zack has a second where the look that crosses his face can only be called desperate. For his chattery nature, Zack isn't quite so good on the spot like this! He scrambles for something to say, something that'll fit the bill, but if this falls flat, well...he tried.

"No reward, sire," he begins slowly, but then louder as his brain catches up with the idea, "Can be as great as knowing the Princess is safe where she belongs."

Heroes are altruistic and caring, right? The crowd thinks so, because a small part of it claps at his line, and the King smiles. These two aren't so bad after all.

"Then go, brave warriors!" He calls, hands spread once again, "Go to your destinies!"

Kunsel immediately brightens. That sounds like a cue that they can leave! He exchanges a quick look with Zack before starting forward, fully intending to walk right off the stage.

"But wait!" a voice cries out before he can take more than a couple of steps, and a man dressed in robes with star patterns sewn in quickly intercepts his path. "The path to the Dragon King's mountain is perilous! You will need a guide. I am Astros, the king's mighty wizard." He raises his staff, punctuating his statement.

Flash!

The crowd murmurs in awe with a few scattered claps when someone ignites a few packets of flash powder cleverly concealed around the stage. While the crowd is entertained, the wizard gives them a significant look, as though to say come on, it's your line.

Well it would have been a clear way out if this guy hadn't just shown up out of nowhere like that! Zack's expressive face curls in annoyance right back at the wizard's look, and he huffs...almost like someone who wants outta here right now. Really, he does.

"A map would do, mighty wizard. Don't risk your life with us."

If he sounds a bit more annoyed than he should, it's because he is. Pursing his lips, Zack tries his level best to not roll his eyes, to try and keep in "character", but it's a little hard with those guards closing in as they search the crowd. They get too close and the jig's up so fast!

Really should have gone with the chocobos.

Astros shoots Zack a frown of annoyance, as though he feels like Zack's trying to keep him from stage time, and not the other way around.

"It is not my life I fear for, brave knight. I have many spells to protect me from danger. However, your path lies through a forest filled with magic. You will need what I have to offer if you wish to make it through alive!"

Wow, way to ham it up. If Kunsel hadn't been stuck in the middle of this play, he might have snickered at the guy's over-the-top acting. But this guy's acting is keeping them from making their escape, keeping them right in the center of the stage while there are guards actively looking for them. That kind of kills any amusement he might have.

Judging by the stubborn glint in this guy's eyes, though, it might be better to play along. Better that than to risk a further escalation in theatrics that might really attract the guards' attention. Kunsel elbows Zack in the side, then quickly cuts in.

"We would appreciate any assistance you can provide, for the sake of the king's daughter, if not our own. Lead on, good wizard!" Come on, Zack, play along!

Ah, come on! Zack's starting to think that just bolting would attract less attention than dealing with his hammy guy, and he doesn't stifle his eye roll this time, even as Kunsel's elbow nudges a rib. Yeah, yeah, he got the point. Sheesh...he clears his throat softly, brain scrambling for a line that'll go along...but all he manages is a nod, firm and resolute.

Astros takes it, however, and slams his staff to the ground once more. A second round of flashbangs goes off, a display of "magical power", no doubt, and the audience claps again. Astros all but grins. Someone clearly likes the stage.

"Follow me, brave knights! This journey will be long and treacherous, but together, we can achieve it! Not even the Evil Dragon King can stand before the might of the Great Wizard Astros!"

Yeah. Hamming it up. But as he speaks, parts of the stage begin to change to set the backdrop for the next scene. If they could just slip out the side while that's happening...Zack shifts his weight from foot to foot, peering over Astros' shoulder. There's always a door, isn't there? Where's the door?

Kunsel, in the mean time, takes the opportunity of a scene change to look around under the pretense of getting his bearings. He wants to keep an eye on those guards, thank you very much, and make sure they haven't spotted him or Zack yet.

Damn, the guards are still there. They seem to be trying to keep to the fringes to avoid disturbing the patrons, which is making their job of searching the crowd more difficult. Kunsel tries not to release a sigh of relief too loud. At least it hasn't occurred to the guards that their quarry might be hiding in plain sight.

By the time he looks back to the stage itself, the scenery has finished shifting to something more "forested" with a painted mountain in the background.

"Beware, brave knights," the wizard warns them with an ominous tone - again, played up for the crowd. "We draw near the lair of the Evil Dragon King! You must be on your guard!"

Sheesh...who is this guy, Commander Rhapsodos in disguise? Sure seems like it. Zack's face has curved in distaste, obvious in the way that his open displays of emotion always are, but Astros seems to read it at the mention of the dragon than at him and his display. Lucky them.

"I'm sure, great wizard, that the Evil Dragon King is no match for your powers." Was that a sneer? Well, it certainly was annoyed, but Astros almost preens so it seems he didn't quite catch the tone. Great. A guy so blinded by his own ego that he doesn't recognize when someone wants to punch him. (Just like Genesis, in a few years).

Astros' next line is cut off before it can begin by a sound effect, the flap of wings and a canned roar, as the story moves on. Astros raises his staff to the "sky" as a black piece moves overhead, meant to cast a shadow for the audience.

"Behold! The Evil Dragon King! Raise your swords, knights! The battle draws near!"

What a ham. What. A. Ham.

A ham he might be, but Kunsel still grips his sword instinctively, readying it for the "battle" coming up. Never mind that his prop sword would likely break with one hit. There won't really be a fight (or he sure as hell hopes!) so it's all just play-acting for the crowd.

...well, up until Commander freaking Rhapsodos steps out as the Evil Dragon King. Kunsel's eyes widen and he pales. Oh shit-

"Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul," Genesis intones, eyes glinting as they land on the two of them. "Pride is lost! Wings stripped away, the end is nigh!"

LOVELESS, Act II.

Shit, they were so screwed.

Edited 2015-06-03 11:50 (UTC)

A ham he might be, but Kunsel still grips his sword instinctively, readying it for the "battle" coming up. Never mind that his prop sword would likely break with one hit. There won't really be a fight (or he sure as hell hopes!) so it's all just play-acting for the crowd.

As if on cue (and maybe that was his cue) another actor steps out into full few, wearing a costume vaguely fashioned after a dragon. He spreads his arms, flaring two fabric wings behind him as he shouts a menacing stage roar. "I am the Dragon King Valvados! Who dares enter my domain!"

Aw, crap. Names, they need names. They can't very well give their real ones here! Kunsel darts a look at Zack. "Uh... Angeal?"

What? It's the first name that isn't "Zack" that comes to mind when he looks at his friend, okay?

Hey, it works! Even if Zack trips up and stares at Kunsel for a moment, bright eyes wide--he is so not his mentor!--he eventually blinks and gives a faint nod, taking a deep breath before taking a single step forward.

"Angeal and Hewley, Knights of Rashin! We dare to enter your domain!"

...What? It was the first couple of names to enter his mind, too! Astros grumbles at Zack's "attempt at stealing his spotlight", however, and waves his staff. Overhead, someone rattles something to mimic thunder.

"And Great Wizard Astros of Galdia enters with them! Return Princess Rosa to us, foul beast, or face your demise!"

Hammy ham ham. Zack rolls his eyes again, but there's no mistaking the spread of that grin across his face. Finally getting into it, he is.

Hey, like Hewley's any better!

...if this were a test, neither of them would be scoring any points for originality on the fly.

"Angeal, Hewley, and Astros," the Evil Dragon King sneers. "I fear neither strength of arms nor wizardly might! The princess is mine and shall remain that way, for you do not possess the one thing you would need in order to defeat me!"

"And what-"

"Oh, but we do!" Astros cuts Kunsel off, a sudden, vindictive grin on his face. "For I know that your weakness is true love, and these two men, Angeal and Hewley, are the lovers that will be your downfall!"

Wait wait- "What?!" Kunsel's eyes couldn't possibly be any wider. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

If this was a test, they're about to fail so very hard.

Where Kunsel has the air and thought to verbally reply, Zack stares with equally wide eyes. What. The. Heck?! That's not--they're not--what the heck--they're not even eighteen! Astro's vindictive grin catches in Zack's vision, and he starts to see red.

Alright, that's it. No more mister nice guy. In a split second, Zack's face goes from surprise to a snarl, and he takes one step forward. His prop sword drops with a clatter, but he's moving too quickly for anyone stop. Astros still faces the Evil Dragon King, so he doesn't see Zack coming until he's been grabbed by his robes, whirled around on his heel, and punched hard enough to hit the ground with a thud. Valvados jumps back--this was not even in the basic script!--as the crowd gasps, and this catches the guards attention. They turn, catching sight of the two most definitely not from the play's usual crop of actors, and one points.

"There! That's them!"

Whoops? Time to go!

Kunsel could have stepped in. He could have reached out and grabbed Zack by the harness, stopping him before he did something stupid. He could have done any number of things - if his brain hadn't screeched to a halt.

What the hell. What the hell?

His brain only kicks back in when it's a split second too late and-

No. You know what? Screw it, this guy deserves to be punched! Kunsel's belated attempt to stop Zack abruptly aborts before he does more than raise his hand. Flushing, he glares at the crumpled form. "You-!"

"There! That's them!"

The shout from the guards jerks Kunsel's attention back from Astros. His eyes widen again. Shit, they've been spotted!

"Zack! Run!" He reaches out to grab Zack and drag him along if he has to, bolting for the other side of the stage.

Behind them, Valvados flounders with the disaster he's been left with on his hands. "Uh... Hah! Pathetic wizard, you have clearly, uh, been deceived? ....Astros? You okay?"

And then a woman's voice joins them, shouting something about love, but at this point, Kunsel's too far away to hear it. He can only hear the guards yelling at the two of them to stop. Dammit dammit dammit! In response, Kunsel only pours on more speed.

He doesn't have to pull for long. One stumbling step turns into two running strides, Zack picking up enough speed to keep pace with his friend with ease. The guards are gaining on them, to be sure, but they're nothing behind hurried SOLDIERs. The stage gives way to the main floor, to the crowd below, and Zack hop skips around someone to avoid a collision. Astros had it coming. This crowd? Not so much.

Not when they're serving to slow the guards the way a tangle of thorns slows a frog. Someone in the crowd--or maybe on stage--screams in alarm, but Zack? He's just going to keep running. Behind them, boots thud the ground as the guards reignite the chase, and Zack's brain scrambles to remember the map they saw when they entered the saucer. If they can just get back to the main plaza, they can get out. Of course that means bolting past a bunch of guards, but hey! They did it once already. They can do it again!

Except there's more guards in the plaza itself preparing to go into the Event Square in pursuit and. Well. There's a bit less room to dodge down here. Zack hisses curses under his breath; this is going to be fun.

Sheesh, this is just getting ridiculous! How many guards are even on their tail now? "Zack, let's get out of here!" And by that he means they need to just leave the Gold Saucer. "They're never going to let us go back to what we were doing!" Which, damn, that means a vacation cut short and being stuck back in Corel for the rest of it, but at this point he's pretty sure that's the better option they have.

Better than being stuck in the prison, anyway, which is where these guards probably want to put them! Kunsel swears as he barely evades another guard's grasp. Okay, they need to get serious about this. His weaving run abruptly turns into a sprint with a brief parting in the crowd, then he leaps, booted feet connecting with the rail of the stairs only long enough to launche himself over the people on the stairs - including the guards coming down!

"Zack! This way!"

(Oddly enough, the move is met with scattered applause. What, do some of the people think this is all just part of the event?)

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