Aki ([personal profile] spectrumseed) wrote in [community profile] bakerstreet2015-05-16 07:56 pm

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme
holding hands

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

  • Comment with your character. Be sure to include preferences (ie, f/f for shipping, OTA for gen, etc)
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  1. Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
  2. Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
  3. Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
  4. Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
  5. Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
  6. Holding Hands: There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.
  7. Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
  8. Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
  9. Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
  10. Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
  11. Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
  12. Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
  13. Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
  14. Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
  15. Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.
  16. Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.
  17. Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.
  18. Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.
  19. Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.
  20. Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.
  21. Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.
  22. Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.
  23. Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.
  24. Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.
  25. Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.
  26. Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.
(taken from here)
britishbinary: (I'm listening)

RNG says 18

[personal profile] britishbinary 2015-05-17 09:24 pm (UTC)(link)
[ooc: Pre-AoU, temporary address Avengers Tower?]

[Generally, nighttime disturbances in the Tower went observed but uninterrupted. However, Jarvis is growing concerned about the severity of Thor's tossing and turning, and when Mjolnir stirs in its place across the room in response to some summons within Thor's dream, it is perhaps time to intervene.]

Your Highness? Prince Thor?
whatfollowsthunder: Thor, Mjolnir held high and lightning coming down (Bring on the lightning)

[personal profile] whatfollowsthunder 2015-05-18 01:57 pm (UTC)(link)
[Nightmares are a relatively new experience, for Thor. Not bad dreams - everyone has those, either from stress or weariness or even just bad food. But nightmares, dark and heavy, the kind that leave you trapped in your own mind and shivering and cold upon waking, are something he's never really had before.

Not like Loki always did.

But recent events have taken their toll even on him. Thor begins to stir at the sound of JARVIS' voice, but it's only when Mjolnir flies to his grasp, when he reaches out to catch it without even really thinking, that he finally, properly wakes, sitting up sharply on the bed and staring around blearily.

It takes Thor a moment to process that he's actually, apparently, alone in the room. Then it takes him another moment to remember that he's not, not really, and then he lets out a long, ragged sigh, setting Mjolnir safely back on the ground.]

I know I have asked Stark to tell you not to call me that.
britishbinary: (Off duty service)

[personal profile] britishbinary 2015-05-18 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes, sir, and I do apologize for the lapse.

[Mr. Stark had in fact laughed and told Jarvis to do 'whatever' when addressing Thor, apparently very amused that his propriety subroutines activated when speaking to royalty from another planet as well as Earth. However, as Jarvis had overheard the request, he had until now attempted to oblige and use the conventional 'sir.'

The flight of Mjolnir had startled him enough that he had not wanted to try half-measures.]

I had hoped that the use of your titles would bring you to wakefulness more quickly. Do you wish to talk about it?

[Ordinarily he would simply ask after Thor's health, but Mr. Stark's nightmares had for years necessitated an entirely different type of response. Jarvis considers himself a reluctant expert in the aftermath of a nightmare now.]
whatfollowsthunder: Thor, looking bitterly upset after Loki's latest betrayal (Betrayed)

[personal profile] whatfollowsthunder 2015-05-19 11:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[Thor nods his acknowledgement of the apology. Sometimes, even now, he reflects how strange it is to converse so easily with a machine. They are capable of equally intricate feats of technology on Asgard, but somehow no one ever thought to give their programs a voice.

Just one of the many fascinating distinctions of humanity. Now, Jarvis is such an everpresent force in the tower that none of them really think twice about replying.

Thor gets to his feet, stretches out some of the aches in his shoulders. His expression remains dark, grim, troubled, but all he says aloud is:]

It was a dream. [His voice is still a little thick with sleep.] What more is there to discuss? [Yet he knows there'll be no more sleep for tonight, so Thor heads to the door of his room instead.]
britishbinary: (Working hard)

[personal profile] britishbinary 2015-05-20 12:22 am (UTC)(link)
[Jarvis knows this is an uphill battle. Even after this many years, Mr. Stark is sometimes reluctant. And perhaps this particular battle will not be one he wins, but he will be quietly persistent. He has not seen Thor suffering from nightmares before. Has something happened?

The hallway outside the door lights slowly, though Jarvis keeps the level dim and pitches his voice quiet to match.]

Discussing the contents of a disturbing dream can assist in determining the reason behind it.
whatfollowsthunder: Thor, kneeling in defeat after being unable to lift Mjolnir (Far from home)

[personal profile] whatfollowsthunder 2015-05-20 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
[Thor immediately starts down the hall towards the elevators as the hall itself lights his way. He means to head to the kitchen, or maybe the gym. Either way, just the feeling of being up and moving is helping to chase the cobwebs from the edges of his mind.]

I know the reason behind it.

[Though virtually no one else does. Here on Earth, only Jane is fully aware of what transpired on Svartalfheim, of what had to happen to bring Malekith to heel before the universe paid the price. And even then, the entire, painful story before and after...

...no. Thor has convinced himself that there's no point discussing any of it.]
And even if I did not, how would you know anything of dreams?
britishbinary: thoughtful closeup (considering)

[personal profile] britishbinary 2015-05-20 01:34 pm (UTC)(link)
[The kitchen is a common refuge for those in the Tower who find themselves unable to sleep. And conveniently deserted at this time, so Jarvis gently lights the hallway leading in that direction, and begins heating hot water in the pot on the counter.

Dealing with an Asgardian's nightmare aftermath might be somewhat different, but in Jarvis' experience, many people welcome a warm beverage of some type or other after being jolted from their dreams.]

I know rather more than you may have anticipated, sir. Mr. Stark has not become the man he is today without waking from a great many nightmares. There was a period when he refused to sleep at all. It was...a difficult time.

[Designing and machining parts for dozens of different armors had kept Jarvis more active than he had been in years. He had spent most of his intermittent down time researching a cure for nightmares.]
whatfollowsthunder: Thor, carrying on towards his fight despite the harsh environment (Through the storm)

[personal profile] whatfollowsthunder 2015-05-25 05:49 am (UTC)(link)
[That is...surprising to hear, but Thor also knows that it shouldn't be. He's certainly not foolish enough to think any of them are immune to troubled sleep. But it's true that Tony and Jarvis have spent a uniquely great amount of time together, and that gives him pause.

Thor knows very little about dealing with bad dreams - they're comparatively new to him, all things considered. So perhaps he should defer to someone else's expertise.

Finally, with a sigh, Thor takes a seat on a stool by the coffee maker, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts.]

I assume you're familiar with the incident from a few months ago? The alien invasion, that landed in Greenwich?
britishbinary: (Over the shoulder)

[personal profile] britishbinary 2015-05-25 04:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Very much so, sir. I had kept a close eye on the situation, and in fact I suggested our intervention, but Mr. Stark...

[Mr. Stark had not slept in days. Mr. Stark had been obsessed with creating armors, new and more powerful and better, constantly better, it had become a need. Jarvis could vividly recall their conversation.

"Sir, there is a disturbance in London."
"Uh huh."
"Weather reports indicate that Thor may have arrived back on Earth."
No answer.
"I suggest we contact him and offer assista--"
"Did he ask for assistance?"
"No, sir, he has not contacted--"
"Then shut up about it. I need you here. Why isn't this working?"

Mr. Stark felt confident that the situation was entirely within your abilities.
Edited (I knew there was something missing, hello small tag) 2015-05-25 16:24 (UTC)